Read The Douchebag Bible Online
Authors: TJ Kirk
planet. So, yeah, Sentinel Prime is evil. I will now
list all of the reasons why this is fucking retarded:
•
In the first film, it was said that Megatron was
discovered frozen in ice in 1894. How long he
was there, we don’t know, but that means this
deal couldn’t have been made before 1894. In
1894 there were only about 1.5 billion people
on earth, with little grasp of technology
whatsoever. Megatron and Sentinel Prime
conspired together to get 1.5 monkeys (most of
whom had yet to industrialize) to rebuild their
technologically advanced planet?
•
Why would they make that deal when the
allspark still existed at that time? The allspark
had the power to restore cybertron, and
Megatron had come to earth to find it
according to the first film. So, was this plan
with Sentinel just his shitty back-up plan?
•
If Megatron is the leader of the decepticons
and Sentinel Prime was the leader of the
autobots, then how could Sentinel Prime be a
traitor? When two leaders agree to end a
conflict and fight for a common goal, their
followers tend to—I don’t know—FOLLOW!
•
I’m sure it probably conflicts with some of the
plot points in Revenge of the Fallen as well,
but honestly I can’t bring myself to even
remember what the plot of that movie was at
this point.
None of this matters, however, since the movie
drops the plot entirely after the first hour in favor
of the longest, most mind-numbingly boring, non-
stop “action” sequence I have ever had the
misfortune of suffering through. Chicago is
destroyed so many times over that you start to
swear you’ve seen the same building fall 10 times
by the time it’s done. You don’t care about anyone
on either side and, in the case of the Transformers,
you can barely tell them apart. Stuff explodes.
Everyone gets dirty but Carly (because I guess
Michael Bay doesn’t think dirty girls are hot). Her
ability to stay clean in a city rocked with explosions,
collapses, dust, dirt, fire and ash would be a glaring
inconsistency in most movies—here it’s almost
expected.
At the end of the movie, almost as if Michael
Bay ran out of time, Optimus Prime suddenly
becomes a super badass and kills all of the
decepticons in like 30 seconds. I wanted to scream
at the screen, “Why didn’t he fucking do that in the
first place!?” He could have saved me hours of my
time and, more importantly, my sanity.
After the film, my mind was so numb that my
family and friends found me wandering the
parking lot like a lost dog, unable to speak, unable
to process what I'd just suffered. Don't see this
movie.
Bay's Transformer films are particularly egregious
example of how mind-numbingly awful much of our
entertainment is, but he's not unique in his
pandering to the lowest common denominator. And
when it comes to movies, I think a good deal of the
blame for this lie with the lackluster crop of critics
that currently populate sites like Rotten Tomatoes.
Kung-Fu Panda 2's positive reviews are a good
example of this decline in standards. Kung-Fu
Pando 2 is an inept work of brain-dead cinema that
substitutes racial stereotypes and bright colors for
character development and a coherent narrative. I
defy anyone to describe any of the secondary
characters to me without relying solely on their
appearance. Is the monkey smart? Is the crane
tenacious? We don’t know. We don’t care. They’re
just there as toy-fodder for Happy Meals so that kids
across America can be as fat as the kung-fu panda
themselves.
I’m told I’m a cynic for hating movies like this,
but the real cynics are the jaded assholes who peddle
this pablum to us and expect us to accept it. And we
reward their cynicism with rave reviews and
financial success! No one made Kung-Fu Panda 2
because it was a story that burned in their chest, a
story that they just had to share with the world. It
was made for the sole purpose of making fat wads of
greasy money by pandering to the dumb masses—a
fact which is evident in every frame.
And don’t even get me started on X-Men: First
Class!
If you've seen that movie, I have a simple
question for you: How the fuck did they get off the
island? Seriously. At the end of the movie it's
Professor X, his human girlfriend, the guy who
shoots energy, the guy who can … uh, scream really
loud, Beast and that’s it. They’re trapped on a small
island. They’re surrounded by Russian and
American ships full of humans who want them dead.
HOW THE FUCK DID THEY ESCAPE? None of
them have powers that could have enabled all of
them to escape. And the humans are hostile, so they
weren’t rescued. What the fuck happened?
Perhaps I'm nit-picking, but that's a pretty big
plot hole to forgive when nothing else in the movie
works.
Charles (Professor X) and Erick (Magneto) are
somewhat developed as characters, but the other
characters are flat as pancakes. And this might be
acceptable if they were at least superficially cool—