Read The Douchebag Bible Online
Authors: TJ Kirk
people are ridiculously exceptional. They are not an
accurate representation of humankind as a whole.
Part of the problem is that our evolution never
really prepared us to handle modern living—we
didn’t develop to interact with faceless masses, but
with the familiar faces of our tribe! And people still
seek out tribes, because they don’t want to feel
isolated in the sea of the unfamiliar.
But part of the strength of a true tribe is that
it’s a group of people working together despite a
variety of opinions. Different perspectives within
the same group leads to a system where everything
is considered from many different angles.
But that doesn’t work when everyone picks
their own tribe. People tend to surround themselves
exclusively with other people who agree with them.
So our modern tribes—from the religious right
to the PC left—have no ideological diversity. They
purposely screen
against
ideological diversity. So,
we've really all become ideological cheerleaders in a
never ending war for purity and supremacy.
Cooperation? Overcoming differences? Ha! That's
so yesterday!
People need to grow up. There are 7 billion of
us. We’re not all going to have good lives. We’re not
all going to get what we want. We’re not all going to
be treated fairly. I think the first step towards the
best possible society is admitting that no society is
going to be anywhere vaguely near perfect. We can’t
write bullies, bigots and bad people out of the script.
And we certainly can't get anywhere worth going if
we only associate with our own ideological clones.
We are just a tragic species! People build
empires because their fathers didn’t love them
enough. People kill prostitutes because they were
too scared to ask girls out in high school. People
shoot themselves in the head because no one
understands them.
Human deeds can, no doubt, be monumental,
encompassing the most vile of malicious deeds as
well as the most selfless acts of charity.
But at the core of almost all human actions,
there is a pathetic motive—usually something to do
with a traumatic failure to connect with another
person at some vital moment of raw need. We are
always avenging our own loneliness. Even with 7
billion companions, we are lonely. Even with
ideologically delineated groups, we feel as thought
no one hears us.
Some ask why I am not an advocate of suicide
if my view of humanity is so bleak. “What reason do
we have not to kill ourselves immediately after we
become aware of life's futility?” I am asked.
Because if there’s anything more futile than
life—it’s death. In life, there is happiness, love,
pleasure, conflict, excitement, terror—does it all boil
down to essentially nothing? Pretty much.
But death
is
nothing. No happiness, love,
pleasure, conflict, excitement, terror—nothing at all.
You can’t even be bored by it, because you will not
exist and will therefore have no perspective or
judgment. You won't even have a you.
Also, why rush to eternal nothingness? Why
not enjoy the minuscule blink of life you’ve got? Why
not fill it with something meaningful to you? If you
want to get married and have kids, do that. If you
want to stick bananas in your butt, do that too.
Personally, I have a woman I love, friends
worth conversing with, sexual realms to explore,
creative endeavors I can’t wait to embark on and
self-changes to enact.
I have things to live for.
Humanity cannibalizes it’s own soul by
working to abuse, oppress and subjugate those who
stand out from the herd. If my happiness was tied to
the human condition, I’d be miserable. But it's not!
I don’t play that game. I focus on myself and my
passions, because that’s the only way to stay sane in
a world full of drones.
In other words, I try to remain detached from
the spectacle of human failure. I don’t always
achieve this detachment, but usually I do. And it's
how I attain personal happiness despite having an
unflattering view of my species. It is my self-
determination that makes me a content person.
Self-determination is the core human right.
Without that, any other rights are essentially just
nifty little fringe benefits of no substance. The
concept of self-ownership means that you can
conduct yourself as you see fit without the
interference of conformity-enforcers who seek to
legislate against your ability to choose for yourself.
To say I own myself is to say that I am a piece of my
own property and that my value is incalculable. To
say that you own yourself is to say the same. If
anyone else tries to steal your ability to self-
determine, whether they are the government or a
private citizen or a company—they are stealing from
you. They are stealing ownership of your self from
yourself. This is the most grievous possible outrage.
The protection of self-ownership is the basis for my
moral code.
For too long, we have allowed our government
jurisdiction over our bodies. This is not, to me, a
women’s issue or a men’s issue—this is an issue of
all human beings. Your government has told you:
• When you’re allowed to have sex.
• What kind of sex you’re allowed to have.
• What drugs you can take and what drugs you
can’t.
• That you can’t kill yourself, even if you’re sick