Read The Douchebag Bible Online
Authors: TJ Kirk
What I remember most of all though were my friends Luke,
Nick and What’s-His-Face and our two clubs: The SSS (School
22 Once again, for legal reasons, I am not using the real name here.
23 His name may really have been Dave, actually. I don’t quite know.
Sucks Shit) and The Pricks (this name was a double entendre in
that we were admittedly asshole and that we all carried around
thumbtacks with which to stab other children). I don’t recall if
School Sucks Shit ever had a theme song, but I know that The
Pricks did.
We are the pricks!
We prick you in the dick!
Dow dow dow!
Dow dow dow dow dow!
Dow dow dow!
Dow dow dow dow dow!
Granted, it was only slightly less inane that the Crestdale theme
song, but it was a hell of a lot more “
fu-un”
.
In either incarnation of our club, our primary agenda was
to fuck up our uptight private school, which we all despised with
every fiber of our angst-crammed preteen minds. Threatening
letters to teachers, harassment, the infliction of tiny puncture
wounds upon our peers, lifting up the girl’s skirts, making fun of
the kid whose older brother had committed suicide—nothing was
above or beneath us.
Pretty much all of us were expelled from Crestdale or asked
to leave, so I guess we must have been a threat to the established
order. At 8-years-old I had managed my first and thusfar my last
successful subversive movement.
Democracy Is Fascism By Consensus
I am an atheist in a country with a religious majority, where the
majority rules. If ever a law were to come before the voters that
somehow restricted the rights of those who do not believe in God,
how would they vote? I imagine they would vote similarly to how
11 states voted on the issue of gay marriage in 2004.
The question posed to the American people was simple: do
these people deserve the right to enter into the same social
contracts that we do? Let’s take a look how that turned out.
BAN SAME-SEX MARRIAGE?
YES
NO
Arkansas
75%
25%
Georgia
76%
24%
Kentucky
75%
25%
Michigan
59%
41%
Mississippi
86%
14%
Montana
67%
33%
North Dakota
73%
27%
Ohio
62%
24%
Oklahoma
76%
24%
Oregon
57%
43%
Utah
66%
34%
There you have it, Mr. Franklin, three wolves and a sheep voting
on what to have for dinner.
Where are the well-armed sheep to contest this vote?
Where are those who defy the masses of dumb asses and shove
the narrow-minded pettiness of the populace down its own throat?
As George Carlin once said, “We don’t have people like that in this
country.”
People must have control over their destiny and the
direction of their country, but just as murders cannot murder
without consent, populations cannot strip one-another of
inalienable rights. If your pursuit of happiness includes fucking
other members of your own sex, then it is un-American for us to
put it to a vote. If desegregation were put to a vote, blacks might
still be drinking from the black water fountain and we certainly
wouldn’t have a man named Barack Hussein Obama in the
highest office in the land.
A system where 51% of the people can rule over the other
49% doesn’t make much sense, either ethically or pragmatically.
Having a leader who only represents the values of a little over half
of your country makes no sense. The fictional character spider
Jerusalem from Warren Ellis’ comic book masterpiece
Transmetropolitan
explained it best:
“You want to know about voting? I’m here to tell you
about voting. Imagine you’re locked in a huge underground
nightclub filled with sinners, whores, freaks and unnamable
things that rape pit bulls for fun. And you ain’t allowed out until
you all vote on what you’re going to do tonight.
You
like to put
your feet up and watch
Republican Party Reservation
.
They
like
to have sex with normal people using knives, guns, and brand
new sexual organs that you did not know existed. So you vote for
television, and everyone else, as far as your eye can see, votes to
fuck you with switchblades. That’s voting. You’re welcome.”
The sole qualm I have with this analogy is that we’re not
lone dissenters at the mercy of an overwhelming mob. We have
numbers. If you’re gay—or just a freedom-lover who wants to
fight for the beaten down—then fight those who seek to pass laws
against gay marriage. Don’t vote against the measure because
doing so is a tacit admission that voting on such matters is the
proper thing to do. Instead, challenge the very notion that such
things should be voted on. If you can’t win on that basis, then it’s
time to get more extreme. For my own legal safety I can’t tell you
what extremes you might go to to preserve freedom, but I’ll tell
you what Thomas Jefferson had to say about it.
“The tree of
liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of
patriots and tyrants. It is its natural manure.”