Read The Douchebag Bible Online
Authors: TJ Kirk
Bo tried to physically fight me and call the
police on me several more times after that first
major incident. Each time for making very little
noise. None of my other neighbors ever complained.
In fact, I asked my next door neighbor if he had any
issues with my noise levels and he told me that he’d
never heard a peep.
I was told by my landlord that this man, Bo,
had complained about the noise of the traffic outside,
the noise of people entering the apartment building
late at night, the noise of crickets in the grass out in
front of the building, etc. This man was not rational,
yet everyone was terrified of confronting him
because of his violent temperament.
Finally, I had enough. I moved out of the
apartment months before my lease was up. I don’t
think I will ever be able to live in an apartment again.
My life was turned into constant stress by this one
man. For months afterward, I couldn’t walk on my
house's floor without tip-toeing around because I
subconsciously thought I might set off the powder
keg of a neighbor living below me. And every time I
realized that I didn’t have to worry about him
anymore, it was a tremendous relief.
Perhaps the most ironic thing of all about this
whole situation is that my neighbor would
constantly get into screaming matches with his
college-aged son. So this noise-hating psycho was, in
and of himself, incredibly loud. I would have to
listen to him berate his son at the top of his lungs at
least once a month.
Even after I moved out, Bo still wound up
giving me a little bit more grief. I had rented too
small of a Uhaul and so I'd had to make more than
one trip to get all my stuff. I didn't arrive at the house
to collect my last few things until 3 in the morning.
There were only a few things left inside and it only
took us 15 minutes to pack all of the remaining
stuff—but Bo spent the entire 15 minutes yelling at
me and my friends that we weren't supposed to be
there and that I was supposed to be out by midnight
and I was trespassing. He even called up my
Landlord (at 3AM!). I ended up talking to my
Landlord on Bo's phone and trying to calm the
situation.
I kept telling Bo, “Why do you give a shit? I'm
leaving. We won't be neighbors anymore. This is the
last you'll ever have to deal with me. Why are you
trying to create an altercation?” He was no amenable
to this logic. Galen was less geared towards a
peaceful resolution and kept taunting Bo, daring
him to do something. But of course, Bo didn't do
anything. He talked pretty much constantly about
kicking people's asses, but he had no real follow-
through.
8. ZEN MOTHERFUCKER
When I was 13, I was made fun of for being the boy
with breasts. My fat has always liked to deposit itself
on my chest, and the bigger I got, the bigger my boy
tits got. Well, now they’re man tits.
The older I've gotten, the more I've realized
that other people are going to give you shit no matter
what you do or how you look or what you are. People
are just assholes. You just have to keep your chin up
and learn how to look them right in the eye and say,
“Fuck you. I’m proud to be me.” I consider that to be
my pursuit of happiness.
Most people who strive for happiness are
embroiled in misery. They don’t want happiness for
some property that happiness holds; they want
happiness because to them, it represents an end to
their internal torment.
I don’t really seek happiness any longer. Nor
do I run from pain. I exist, and I seek out that which
interests me. I do that which feels worth doing.
What emotional reward it will give me is not
foremost in my mind.
The odd thing is this: when you let go of your
concern for your emotional well-being, you find that,
more often than not, you are content. There will be
anger and there will be sorrow and there will be
boredom—but that’s fine. Those are just states of
being and they, like happiness, are ephemeral. And
it is possible to look at them rationally, even when
you are in the throes of them.
I am not a hedonist. I do not hold pleasure
above all things. Nor do I seek refuge from my pain.
Nor do I ignore my needs for pleasures and my
needs for pains. I simply follow my passions,
wherever they may lead.
I call this attitude bullshit zen. And it came in
handy recently in my pursuit of losing weight. My
most valuable advice on weight loss, however, is
don’t listen to the people who think they’re experts.
Everyone thinks you’ve “got” to do this. Or you’ve
“got” to do that.
Fuck them.
You know what you’ve got to do on a diet? Eat
good food. Even if that, to you, is a bunch of