The Douchebag Bible (55 page)

but their mutant powers suck dead dog dick. A girl

with dragonfly wings who spits molten cum? A guy

who can yell … really loud? A guy who can fire a

laser . . . out of his chest? Meanwhile, the black guy

who actually has the cool power of rapid

evolutionary adaptations is killed unceremoniously

in about two minutes.

The philosophical difference between Charles

and Erick is supposedly the focal point of the film—

but Charles makes no good case for his point of view.

Erick’s point of view is continuously vindicated by

circumstance, whereas nothing in the film’s

dialogue, events or subtext gives any support to

Charles’ view whatsoever. So, remind me again why

we’re rooting for this guy? Why is he the protagonist?

And while I'm on the subject of things in

movies that piss me off, I'd like to devote at least one

paragraph to a disgusting phenomenon I've noticed

cropping up all over the place in recent movies. I call

it the “APPROVE OF ME, DADDY!” phenomenon.

You know that scene in movies (and books) where

the father/father-figure says, “I’m proud of you” for

the first time and it’s supposed to be this big

emotionally powerful moment of release, where the

protagonist has finally pleased his stodgy old

father/father-figure? Am I the only one who finds

such scenes pathetic? I understand why it appeals to

people—but instead of fulfilling people’s desires to

please paternal authority figures, why don’t we

instead teach them to be satisfied with their own

accomplishments, even if they don’t ultimately get

that validation?

Not all complaints against modern movies are

valid, however. For instance, on the blogging site

Tumblr, a faction of politically correct (and in no

other way correct) people began to light their virtual

torches and brand their virtual pitchforks because

the Pixar film, 'Brave,' set in 10th century Scotland,

didn't feature any African American characters. I

wrote this refutation at the time:

So, apparently, there are some black people

complaining about the lack of black people in

Pixar’s new movie Brave. So, here is what I’d like

those black people to do. I’d like them to go to

Google Image Search and type in Pixar Meeting or

Pixar Team. Look at all the pictures. Who do you

see? White people. Sure, there’s the occasional

Asian or Hispanic. But, mostly, it’s white people.

Do you know why white people make movies

about white people? Probably for the same reason

black people make movies about black people.

Black Directors like Spike Lee and Tyler Perry

make movies about black people, not out of racism,

but because that’s who they are and that reflects

their experience. But somehow when white film-

makers load their movies up with white characters,

we’re assholes? Racists? This is a double standard.

Here’s my suggestion: if you’re a black person

who is furiously angry that black people aren’t

included in Brave, then you go get to college for

years to study animation, get good enough to get

hired by Pixar, work with them and their team,

earn the respect of those around you, then say,

“Hey. I think this character should be black.” And

lay out a compelling case for why.

Is that too hard? Well, it wasn’t too hard for

all those white people who work at Pixar now. They

did the work. They control the art.

If you don’t like it, then don’t go see it. You

want to change it? Then change it by creating

something of your own or working to change the

current system from within.

But, If all you’re willing to do about your

convictions is moan like babies, then fuck you. I

don’t care and I don’t see any compelling reason

why anyone else should care either.

Does racism still exist in America? Sure. Do

white people like me have advantages? Yes. And

you know what? We’re not gonna give them up.

We’re NEVER going to give you a fair deal. And it’s

not out of malice. It’s not out of racism. It’s simply

because we’ll never see the problems in the system

the way you do. There’s no urgency to us, because

we’re inherently selfish. If the problem doesn’t

effect us, then we don’t even see a problem.

So, If you want to fix the problems in this

country that affect you, looking to us to fix them is

a waste of time. You’ve got to fix them yourselves.

And the way you do that is not by whining on

Tumblr. It’s by dedicating yourself to your dreams

and following them relentlessly until you’ve made

the world a better place.

That’s actually the only thing that anyone—

regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation,

whatever—can do. And if you think you can subvert

that, you’re delusional. I know the path is harder

for you than it is for me, but the path doesn’t get any

easier. I’m sorry that being black is often like living

life in Hard Mode. I’ll never understand your

struggles or what you go through, and I’m not even

going to bullshit you about it.

But I know one thing: no amount of you