The Child Whisperer (37 page)

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MARK’S STORY

Type 4 Fun

My son Mark loved Legos from an early age. He played with them for hours on end. He especially loved the sets that included a picture book of the finished Lego project. He studied the picture to figure out how to put it all together. When he mastered the Lego world pretty well, we purchased a more advanced system that included more mechanical pieces and parts that required a lot more focus and precision to build the desired structures. To this day, Mark enjoys recreational activities that involve his single focus and perfecting nature. Snowboarding and competitive mountain bike racing have allowed him those outlets.

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It is especially important to find channels for your Type 4 child to express their inborn, critiquing nature. Otherwise, they just become very critical about things that don’t really matter. For example, Mark and I were watching TV one night and he criticized nearly every commercial that came on. I turned to him and said, “I appreciate your natural gift to see the flaw in things, but right now I just want to watch TV! I am also excited for you to get involved in more pursuits that will allow you to use your gifts and talents in productive ways.” Mark took my feedback to heart, and since we have a very close and trusting relationship, my directness was not offensive to him. We continued to watch TV—without the Type 4 commentary.

Activities to Help a Type 4 Child Develop Natural Gifts

Type 4 children will be drawn to activities they think they can do most perfectly in the least amount of time. They set high standards for themselves and hesitate to do a new activity if they feel they might not meet their standard. Allow your child to pursue activities they feel naturally good at, as well as try new activities in low-pressure situations where they will not feel embarrassed if they fail in front of others. 

Type 4s can excel in all sports as long as they are allowed to approach it in their own, more serious way. Whether they are interested in soccer, basketball, swimming, gymnastics, tennis, golf, or baseball, help them see examples of the best players so that they can break down the movement and duplicate it themselves. Individual sports that require precision and repetition are also a good fit.

Golf is a particularly Type 4 sport. The players dress up a little more formally than for other sports, and their swing is a bold movement in order to create a very precise result. The majority of top professional tennis players are Type 4s. Martial arts also provide a very Type 4 experience. They require a lot of repetition and accuracy with levels of advancement that are rewarding to a Type 4. Whichever activities your Type 4 child enjoys, they will want to perfect their technique.

Child Whisperer Tip:
If you attend your child’s sporting events, do not shout loudly at them or call their name, even to cheer them on. It draws attention to them that they would rather not have, and it distracts their mental focus. Whenever I yelled my own Type 4 son’s name really loudly at a sporting event, he turned to me and said, “Don’t do that.” Give your child your focus by attending the event, but don’t single them out in front of others. If your child is not drawn to sports where you could be a spectator, this may be the reason they hesitate. In their tendency to look at the bigger picture, they have probably considered your presence at their event. In order to avoid an uncomfortable experience, they may choose not to pursue sports. Reassuring them that you will not cheer them on and call out their name may be just what they need to get active in sports.

Performing and entertaining may be another area for your child to pursue, as long as they are supported in having enough private practice before they have to go up on stage, and they have personally decided that they do want to perform. Ballet requires structured, precise, and rehearsed movement that they may enjoy. Other options might be drill team or ballroom dancing. Type 4 children tend to have a clear sound to their voice, so if they enjoy singing, consider voice lessons. Most instruments, like the piano or violin, require repetitive practice that these children take to naturally. Let them choose which instrument they prefer most, support them in their practice, and watch them excel.

Parents sometimes push their Type 4 children to branch out and try new things before their children are ready. Everyone should obviously try new activities that will challenge them, but Type 4s have a particular need to be allowed to approach the new activity in their own way. When a Type 4 child does not like the activity they are involved in, they often refer to it as stupid, which I mentioned earlier. Again, rather than label your child as harsh and judgmental, see that word as a red flag that the activity is not honoring of their true nature in some way.

A Type 4 child needs outlets in their life where they can express their natural gift of critiquing and perfecting things. Help them identify and participate in activities they feel they’re the best at.

Of all 4 Types, these children have the greatest tendency to want to immerse themselves in video games. This is not true of every Type 4—always black and white, they are either completely into the video game world or they are out of it. If your Type 4 child is into video games, you may notice their tendency to want to play all the way to the end of a new game without stopping, to unlock everything in it. Video games can be an excellent outlet for a Type 4, but taken to an extreme can become more of a road to isolation than to the solitude that Type 4s need.

Child Whisperer Tip:
If your Type 4 child enjoys video games, set an amount of time together that they decide to play, and do not let them go beyond that time limit. Make sure this is a matter of discussion between the two of you, not just a rule that you lay down. Otherwise, it won’t work. Consider a leeway day where they get to play for a longer amount of time or don’t have a limit on the first day they have a new game.

This tendency for overload is most obvious in video gaming, but it is a tendency that can show up anywhere in a Type 4’s life, in any activity that they choose to pursue. Because they have a one-track mind, they can focus so well on one thing that they tend to overwork and overdo things and then not want to do them anymore. They go from too much of something to nothing.

As a parent, you can help your Type 4 child learn to achieve balance. Your child will relate to you describing their thought process as a track. By logically explaining that they can consciously shift tracks, you can support your Type 4 child in creating the balance they need.

Which activities would you like to involve your Type 4, more serious child in that would honor their movement? List a few here:

Learning Tendencies

Learning Style:
Duplication with improvements

Observation is key for a Type 4 child. These children have a gift for taking in a process or concept by seeing how it works. They also have the additional gift of being able to duplicate something they’ve seen and improve upon it. They are hands-off learners at first, watching and taking everything in. As soon as they feel they have grasped an idea, then they want to jump in and do it themselves without anyone looking over their shoulder.

More important than the method in which they learn is the attitude of the person trying to teach them. A Type 4 will immediately dismiss someone who talks down to them. When someone speaks to them condescendingly, they may feel angry that they are not being treated as an equal or an adult. They may also feel threatened or weak if they think that the person teaching them thinks they know less than they do. Even when your Type 4 child is a toddler, speak to them in a more adult-like manner. When you do this, they feel honored and they respond enthusiastically.

Type 4s set a high standard for themselves. When they are interested in a concept or skill, they want to master it to perfection. They want to know that they can finish a project right (or do it better than their example) before they begin. Although mistakes are a process of learning, small stumbles can seem huge to a Type 4. They are all or nothing, and if they don’t master it all, they may see their learning so far as a failure.

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MARK’S STORY

Mastering a Foreign Language

My Type 4 son Mark went to Slovenia and wanted to master the language, but he encountered some challenges because he didn’t want to speak it until he could do so perfectly. It’s difficult to master a language perfectly unless you speak it, mistakes and all. He saw the Slovene people as the authority of their language and he wanted to show them respect through his respect for their language. (Plus, he didn’t want to look stupid.)

The key to a situation like this is to shift the focus from the end result to the process. Mark could not perfect the act of speaking correctly at first, but he could perfect his process of practicing the language. He could be 100% perfect in the amount of time he spent studying and the goals for new words to learn and grammatical concepts to master. He just needed to switch the focus to a kind of perfection he could actually attain.

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Classroom Behavior:
Adapt to structure if respected

Their tendency to be very thorough and keenly aware of their responsibilities leads most Type 4 children to perform at high levels in traditional school systems. The routine of a school day supports their more structured movement, and they feel safe knowing that rules are in place that peers must follow. In a school setting, Type 4 children value fairness, structure, routine, time to focus, and time to adjust as they move from track to track. Fairness includes a teacher who treats students equally, without favorites or scapegoats.

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COLE’S STORY

Teachers Love Him

Cole’s 3rd grade teacher said that if all of her students were like Cole, she would have a perfect class. In his music class once a week, the music teacher gives out small prizes to the best behaved children. Every week, Cole gets a prize. True to his Type 4 nature, he performs well within the structure presented to him.

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Child Whisperer Tip:
These children face the challenge of setting their own standard too high, with unrealistic expectations for themselves. They want to complete their projects perfectly. They aim for perfect scores on every assignment. They don’t want to make a single mistake. Lofty goals are fine, but they can be damaging if a Type 4 child bases their sense of worth on them. Reassure your child that they do not need to do anything in order to be loved and worthwhile. They can pursue their goals, but the minute they feel less valuable for a mistake they’ve made, it’s time to reevaluate the purpose of their goals.