The Child Whisperer (41 page)

• All your needs are important to us. You can grow at your own pace, and we are here for you.
  
• We love your constant, still nature—you are a gift to our family.
  
• It’s okay to watch and observe; it is safe for you to watch as long as you want before exploring in other ways.
  
• You can be you and we will always love you.
  
• It’s okay for you to be different from Mom and Dad. We will work out our differences.
  

Child Whisperer Tips to support this stage:
Type 4 babies need structure and predictable routines in order to feel secure. Support them in finding a regular sleep schedule and do not interrupt or change it unless absolutely necessary.

  These babies also respond well to structured movement on their bodies. Dress them in clothes that fit more closely, rather than loose-fitting garments. Swaddle them tightly and make sure they feel like you are holding them with a solid embrace.

Toddler 18 Months to 3 Years

Primary Emotional Need:
Support in sensing, exploring and doing in the world. Learning to do things by themselves!

The Type 4 toddler is ever observant. They want to understand exactly how the world around them works and they pay particular attention to what adults value and do. They try to duplicate adult speech and behavior, which leads many to observe them as mature for their age. At this age, your child will often say, “I want to do it myself.” The Type 4 child is learning to master this world, to think things through and know how things work. They need to do things themselves with your guidance and support.

Messages your Type 4 child needs to hear in this stage of life:

• It’s okay to be curious, to watch, to think about, to touch and explore this world.
  
• We want you to explore. We will make it safe for you.
  
• We want you to learn to do things yourself. Mommy and Daddy are here to support you.
  
• You can be you and we will always love you.
  
• You can try out new things and find your own way of doing things.
  
• It’s okay for you to make your own choices about what you want.
  
• You are so aware and observant.
  
• You are so loyal and caring. We are here to take care of you.
  
• I love you just the way you are.
  

Child Whisperer Tips to support this stage:
Make sure your home environment supports your child’s desire to explore how the world works. As they learn to talk, focus all your attention on them when they are trying to communicate something to you. Make sure you stop what you are doing and give them your full attention and eye contact. This is a practice that will serve and honor you and your child’s relationship for the rest of your life. If you don’t have time when they are demanding it, let them know and that you will give them your full attention in the time you decide. Put on a timer so they can relate to what that time looks like. They will gain confidence in their speech and in their relationship with you if they know that you will listen when they speak.

Pre-school 3 to 6 years

Primary Emotional Need:
Coming into their own identity and power and feeling a sense of their own authority.

In this stage, you may notice your Type 4 child really start to assert their sense of authority in their life. They may refuse your requests to do certain things. They may also demand to do things you don’t want them to. Your experience in parenting them will be a continual readjustment to find the right balance of partnered authority. Practice it now while the stakes are lower and simpler. You will receive inspiration to know when to give your child responsibility and when to take more parental control.

At this age, they also need to develop an understanding of the bigger picture of their lives so they can put things into a logical order in their minds. They may ask incessantly throughout the day, “What are we doing today? When is this going to happen? When is so-and-so coming over?” They need to know what to expect and what direction things are going.

When we planned a visit to our daughter’s home, Jenny expressed some concern and hesitation about telling her Type 4 son Seth we were going to visit. She knew from the day she told him that he would ask every day, “When are Grandma and Grandpa coming?” I suggested she make a paper chain with him with one link representing each day until we arrived. She has used this strategy successfully in many situations when she needed to relate a timeline to her young son. She helps him make the chain, they hang it in a place where he can neatly cut off a link for each day that goes by.

She has also learned to share with him the plan for the day so she doesn’t hear all through the day, “What is happening next, Mom?” Recently, she shared a story of telling Seth their plans on a Saturday, which included getting haircuts, going to the grocery store and a few other errands. Seth got his own piece of paper and, as best he could, noted the plan. Jenny is a Type 1 and can easily make a change in her plans, which she often does. This can cause great distress in her Type 4 son’s life if it becomes the norm.

In this case, they were driving in the car, going about their plan, when she saw a garage sale sign. Jenny loves garage sales, as they are full of possibilities and surprises and great deals. Rather than just divert from the plan, she asked Seth, “Do you mind if we stop at this garage sale?” From his toddler seat in the back he said, “No!” She clarified and asked, “So you don’t mind?” He quickly replied, “No, I DO mind, I do mind!” very emphatically. Jenny chose to honor Seth and the day was very pleasant.

Jenny is not required as a mom to give up what is true and right for her, but she knows it’s a matter of taking one day at a time and striking a balance that works for both her and her children.

Messages your Type 4 child needs to hear in this stage of life:

• It’s okay for you to know what you want and make your own decisions.
  
• You are learning what is right for you—trust your instincts.
  
• We are glad you are thinking for yourself.
  
• We love to hear about the things you think.
  
• Your strong and serious nature is powerful. Trust it!
  

• You understand things clearly; thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.
  
• Thank you for the lessons you so easily teach our family.
  
• You are an important member of the family. Your natural gifts and talents are a blessing to all of us.
  

Child Whisperer Tips to support this stage:
Since Type 4s experience the world intellectually, give them opportunities to learn about what interests them. They like to look at processes and systems to learn how they work, so involve them in activities with several sequential steps, showing them how things work. Take stock of how much down time you give them at home to make sure they stay centered and balanced.

School Age 6 to 12 Years

Primary Emotional Need:
Fitting in, working within structure, knowing and learning

Type 4 children naturally move through life with a structured expression, so they usually move into school-age years with ease. They may express initial worry about certain new experiences that come with this stage of life, but as long as they have enough advance information to mentally prepare and they know the routine of their new environment, they will be able to make the transition.

Messages your Type 4 child needs to hear in this stage of life:

• You are smart and brilliant, and you learn so thoroughly.
  
• You can have as much structure and routine in your life as you want.
  

• You can succeed at anything that feels right and honoring of you.
  
• Trust your thoughts; they are brilliant.
  
• You deserve to succeed.
  
• Follow what is right for you. You don’t have to do things that are not honoring of you.
  
• It is not your job to make sure that others are following the rules. We will take care of your siblings and your teachers will take care of your classmates.
  
• Thanks for being so loyal.
  
• You never have to talk to other people when you don’t want to.
  
• You have a right to have boundaries and know what is important to you.
  

Child Whisperer Tips to support this stage:
Type 4 children in this stage are interacting with the structure of school and learning how they want to create their own personal structure in their lives. You can help them remain centered and happy by supporting them in making a schedule they feel good about.

Due to their tendency to be very literal, experiences like Santa and the Easter Bunny can be a sensitive issue in the life of a Type 4 child. I know Type 4 adults who were so let down and felt they had been lied to when they learned that Santa was not real that they refuse to create a pretend Santa in their children’s lives. My grandson announced at age four that Santa was not real and followed by sharing all the logical reasons why he was not. Rather than try and convince her son that Santa was real, his mother said he was not real, but he represented the spirit of Christmas by giving gifts and that it was fun to pretend. Seth made the decision in his own mind that Santa gave each family member one gift and the rest came from Mom and Dad and shared that conclusion several months after he had figured out Santa was not real.

Jenny is just letting Seth lead the way on the Santa experience rather than trying to make it something that may not be worth the issues of trust that can come up for a Type 4 if they feel they are being lied to.

High School 12 to 18 Years

Primary Emotional Need:
Separating and creating independence from the family

In this stage of a Type 4 child’s life, friends take on a high level of importance. Social interactions and creating a social network of friends is a big focus at this age. This may be challenging for your Type 4 child, especially if they are expected to be naturally social and outgoing. This is not their nature. Remember, their natural energetic expression is more reserved. Honor and support them in having a smaller group of close friends they feel they can trust.

Messages your Type 4 child needs to hear in this stage of life:

• You can have a small group of close friends.
  
• You can interact socially in a way that feels safe to you.
  
• You do not need to do things perfectly in order to be loved.
  
• You can take all the time you need to grow up.
  
• We are happy with your choices.
  
• It is okay to make mistakes.
  
• It is okay to take your time to think about things.