The Child Whisperer (34 page)

If you don’t feel emotionally connected to your Type 4 child, there’s a reason. Consider the possibility that your child has one of these experiences with you:

• They think you don’t respect their opinions.
  
• They think you talk down to them or treat them like a baby.
  
• They think that you don’t trust them to make their own decisions.
  
• They feel like you put them on the spot or embarrass them.
  
• They do not think that you keep their personal information and concerns confidential when talking to others.
  
• They feel confused because they sense that their parent has judged their naturally structured nature as flawed.
  

Type 4 children don’t just appreciate respect from you—they need it. It’s just part of their nature. When you respect your Type 4 child’s true nature, your child will feel safe with you and your relationship will flourish.

What other thoughts do you have on the experiences your Type 4 child has with you? How will you improve your relationship with what you know now? List your ideas here:

Communication: Logical and Concise

Type 4 children value respect, loyalty, and straight-forwardness in their communication with others. They have a gift for sharing their thoughts clearly and in a few words. They hold back until they have something in mind that they are eager to share.

Their minds work in a logical, accurate way, so they express themselves literally. They may come across as matter-of-fact and sometimes blunt. These children may also take others literally when perhaps they are not meant to. Since their primary connection to the world is intellectual, they really think you mean what you say. They do not handle sarcastic remarks and teasing well, as they do not understand what’s meant to be funny when it sounds and feels mean to them.

One funny story of how literal they can be (and a good reminder for me) happened with my Type 4 son, Mark. With his very precise and thorough nature, he is my go-to guy for getting my car detailed. We were texting back and forth about how much I would pay him to do this job for me when I texted him, “I’ll pay you $100 for in and out.” He responded, “$100 for in and out? Where did you get that?” It took me a moment to understand his questions until I realized he thought I was going to pay him $100 in a gift certificate for the popular hamburger fast food restaurant, “In-N-Out Burger.” What I was referring to was I would pay him $100 for detailing both the inside and outside of my car!

When you speak to a Type 4 child, speak clearly, consider the literal, and take them seriously when they respond.

. . . .

TAUSHA’S STORY

Lost in Communication

Tausha is a Type 2 mother whose 11-year-old daughter is a Type 4. They had done a lot of gardening together and her daughter got excited about buying some flowers to plant in her own little garden space. One Saturday, Tausha promised they would go and buy some flowers together soon.

To Tausha, soon meant sometime in the near future. To her daughter, soon meant as soon as possible. Over the next few days, Tausha’s daughter asked when they would go buy flowers. But it wasn’t ever a good time and Tausha continued to put it off.

On Tuesday evening, Tausha noticed that her daughter seemed upset. When Tausha asked what was wrong, her daughter said, “Mom, I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but it is hard to believe you when you tell me you will do something for me, because you always put it off and do other things. I don’t feel like I am on the top of your list.” Her daughter told her this in a respectful tone, but with tears in her eyes.

Tausha says that before knowing her and her family’s Types, she might have felt offended that her daughter corrected her, especially when Tausha was obviously so busy taking care of the family and house and everything. But she realized in that moment that she had not communicated clearly with her daughter and needed to honor her right then. She apologized, validated what her daughter said, and promised to work on putting her daughter’s needs at the top of her list. Tausha told her daughter that she was more important than any to-do list.

She grabbed the keys, loaded the family in the car, and they went to buy some flowers that very minute.

. . . .

Child Whisperer Tip:
If you need to communicate something important to your Type 4 child, talk in logical terms and trust that they’ll understand quickly. Type 4s are so observant that you do not need to say much for them to get the idea you’re trying to convey. If you can explain the logic of something on the level they can relate to at their age, these children can easily align with your reasoning and shift from being argumentative to very cooperative. I have used this numerous times with my young Type 4 grandson, and every time he understands the logic behind a request, he easily cooperates.

This expectation of understanding works both ways. Your Type 4 child expects you to understand what they mean logically, as they feel they have been clear. If they are not able to communicate their own thoughts and feelings clearly, they may become frustrated with themselves. Type 4 children communicate most clearly and effectively if they feel respected and trusted. Use these phrases to help them communicate better: “How do you see this situation?” and “What’s your opinion about this?”

. . . .

JAKE’S STORY

Trying to Speak

Little Jake wanted to play a computer game that he saw once on the family’s computer. He didn’t know the name of the game, though, so he tried describing it. But nobody in the family knew which game he was talking about. When he couldn’t get his point across, he lost it. Shouting and pushing things around, he said how stupid he was and that he couldn’t do anything right, all because he couldn’t clearly explain which game he was talking about.

This sort of frustration is difficult for a young Type 4 child. They know so clearly what they want, but when they can’t articulate it, they just feel stupid. You can reassure your child that you hear them and that you’ll work with them until their meaning becomes clear to you.

. . . .

One word pops up again and again in a Type 4 child’s vocabulary:
stupid
.

Parents may try to discourage their Type 4 child’s use of this word, especially when their child seems particularly critical of something or someone. Many parents see this kind of communication as something that needs to be disciplined or parented away, but this word is actually a gift. Constant use of this word is a huge indicator that your child is, indeed, a Type 4. Plus, it’s a fabulous opportunity for you as a parent.

There are several reasons why Type 4 children refer to things as “stupid.” They are embarrassed by something or someone. They feel insecure or inadequate. They are not feeling heard or respected, or they are bored. When they use that word in reference to something or someone, they don’t feel they have any authority to work out a situation that makes them feel uncomfortable or inadequate. They don’t know any other way to handle it than to deem it flawed and call it stupid.

For example, a Type 4 child might say that about their teacher, “That teacher is just stupid.” This does not mean your child is trying to be rude about their teacher. It means they’re having problems in their interaction with them. Your child is giving you information and you have the opportunity to recognize it and do something about it.

Child Whisperer Tip:
Forget approaching whatever situation your child calls
stupid
by telling your child they are being too critical. Just validate that they feel it’s stupid and they have a right to feel that way. Validate their authority to judge something in that way by asking, “Can you tell me why you think it’s stupid?”

Then follow the conversation wherever they take it. Just remember that there’s an underlying issue you need to discover. By saying something is stupid, your child is building an idea that if something doesn’t work in their life, they have the right to judge an external force as stupid or wrong. As you listen to your child, ask yourself what is really causing the discomfort, sense of inadequacy, sense of powerlessness, or the feeling that your child can’t be their true self. Turn on your Child Whisperer skills and tune in to the real message your child is sending you. That message might sound like this: “This is not right for me, I don’t feel honored in this situation. I need your help changing this so I feel good about myself and feel supported.”

Doing this makes any stupid situation easier. It leads you to the true issue and gives you the insight you need to approach your child to help them make changes so they can feel appreciation for themselves and their experiences.

I suggest some of the following phrases to use with your Type 4 child when they are referring to something or someone as
stupid
:

“You think that is stupid. What don’t you like about it?”

“You don’t like that. Tell me more about why you don’t like that.”

Once they have shared their feelings, you can follow up with phrases like these:

“I can see you don’t feel respected. How can I help you change that?”

“What do you think a solution to this problem is?”

“What are you responsible for? How can you show up differently in this situation?”

Of course, the language of these approaches will need modifications to be age appropriate for your child. Because you are a Child Whisperer, you can take this idea and run with it, using inspiration to find the perfect words for your particular child.

Type 4 children communicate openly with select people whom they trust to honor and listen to them. They say what they mean and they expect others to do the same. If they say they will do something, they see that statement as a commitment and they follow through on it. This means that they also take others at their word, even if someone just offered a suggestion or an idea.

. . . .

LIZZIE’S STORY

On Follow Through

Lizzie’s grandmother said that they should go out and get ice cream sometime. It was a nice idea, one that Lizzie liked the sound of, but it didn’t happen that day. Or the next. Lizzie started asking her mother on a regular basis when Grandma was going to take her to get ice cream. She couldn’t understand why Grandma hadn’t called her yet to follow through on the idea that Lizzie interpreted as a solid commitment.

Praise and appreciate your Type 4 child’s ability to make commitments and keep them. You may need to help them differentiate between others’ commitments and suggestions.

. . . .

Type 4 children have a hard time opening up to people they do not yet know. They need time to situate themselves and allow the interaction to happen. And they will keep their heart and mind especially closed to anyone they feel is critical of them. Type 4 children want to feel safe to open up with their parents. You can do a few specific things to create a situation in which your Type 4 child feels secure in sharing with you.

Child Whisperer Tip:
Type 4s also do not like to have to repeat themselves, so if you ask your Type 4 child a question, pay attention and listen to their answer. They will lose respect for you if you distract yourself while they respond and will not be very willing to repeat themselves, which unfortunately makes them appear stubborn.