The Child Whisperer (47 page)

Type 4 Vegetables
:
Type 4 children do not need much variety in what they eat. Their tendency toward repetition starts to show up in their eating patterns around three to six years old. They tend to want to eat a few things over and over again. For this reason, parents tend to label them “picky eaters.”

Child Whisperer Tip:
If your Type 4 child has the same pattern of only eating a small list of items, make sure there are some healthy choices on that list and don’t worry about their limited menu plan!

Giving Up Blankets and Pacifiers

This is a big one. How old is too old for a child to use a pacifier or carry around their security blanket? Given everything you’ve learned in this book, you may assume (correctly) that it depends on your child’s Type.

Type 1 Security Items
: These children disconnect and connect. So they will be unattached to security items and then attached again. They might feel like they’re ready to give up a blanket and then they’ll want it back. Give them the opportunity for some randomness by putting their pacifier or other item in a place where you can get it again when they need to feel a little connection. Then put it away when they disconnect again. They may just end up forgetting about it.

Type 2 Security Items
: Of all the Types, these children have the hardest time letting that blankie go. They are highly connected to items that root them in the past and help them feel comfortable. When these items are taken away without preparation or their consent, they perceive the event as trauma. It will be particularly painful for Type 2 girls who are especially tender.

. . . .

ANNE’S STORY

Her Blanket

When my Type 2 daughter Anne was born, our women’s church group gifted me with a blanket for her. She loved her blanket and as she grew through all the stages of her developing years, her blanket remained very precious and important to her. As a toddler she carried it around, and as she grew into her school-age years, she slept with it every night. If she spent the night at grandma’s or a close friend’s, it always went with her. As a Type 3 mom, I guess I was too busy to even think about taking it away from her, because I never even considered it. By the time she was a young adult, her blanket was very worn and thin, but she still loved it. When Anne went off to college, her blanket did too.

When Anne was 21 years old, she decided to spend 18 months doing volunteer work in Bulgaria—and her blanket went with her. Just a couple weeks after her departure, I received a package in the mail. Inside was her blanket with a note, which said, “Mom, please take care of my blanket. I don’t want anything to happen to it, so I am sending it home for you to take care of until I return.” You can imagine my tears. At this point in my daughter’s life, I now had knowledge of her gentle nature and need for comfort and security. I was honored to be the caretaker of her blanket until she returned home.

We joked that when it came time for Anne to get married, she should wear her blanket as her veil! She is married now and has her blanket. Since her husband is her new security blanket that she sleeps with, she stores her blankie in a safe place to have the rest of her life.

. . . .

Child Whisperer Tip:
Allow your Type 2 child to hold onto their security items. If allowed, your Type 2 child may keep and cherish their blanket or favorite stuffed animal until adulthood. When you decide that they need to let go of using certain items in public or they will not be allowed to take those items to school, prepare them in advance. Help them make a plan for what they will do in those situations to feel comfortable without their item.

Type 3 Security Items
:
These children are so busy that they probably won’t care or notice. In fact, taking a special blanket from them probably won’t even be an issue because they won’t have one.

Child Whisperer Tip:
If your Type 3 child does happen to have a security item, turn the experience of giving it up into a practical and direct one. Consider the possibility that you are actually more attached to certain items than your child is.

Type 4 Security Items
: Type 4 children may hold onto security items out of repetition and habit. These children look at adults for cues and then try to duplicate what they do. They will realize that nobody’s carrying around blankets and they won’t want to, either.

Child Whisperer Tip:
If your child does not naturally let go of their security item in order to be more grown up, do not take it from them without letting them in on the conversation. Point out, logically, that grown kids and adults don’t use pacifiers or blankets and they will make the decision on their own. Once they’re committed to letting the item go, they generally won’t go back.

Testing Your Boundaries

This is a common myth about children—that they will test your boundaries to find where your limits are or “what they can get away with.” This creates an adversarial sort of mindset that does not strengthen your parent-child relationship. If your child is testing anything, they are testing the world to see what it’s like and how safe they are to be themselves!

Type 1 Boundaries
:
Type 1 children just have naturally big energy. They move randomly and with animation. Think of air: it fills any space it enters—so will your Type 1 child. When entering a room, they may bounce around randomly, seeing what fun they can find in it. They are not doing this to test you. They are doing this because it’s their nature to do so.

Child Whisperer Tip:
Allow your child space and time to be free. If your child seems to be testing boundaries, take a moment to consider where in their lives they feel confined. Their energy never becomes too big if they have a good balance of spontaneity and fun in their lives.

Type 2 Boundaries
:
These children want to be appropriate and don’t want to disappoint anyone, so they are less likely to look like they are testing boundaries. If anything, they may hang back and feel a bit hesitant to test the boundaries of their world.

Child Whisperer Tip:
Help your child to feel comfortable to try new things and test the boundaries of their world in a manner that’s true to their nature. Let your child know that you’re on their team and that you will support them as they explore their world and that they can always come back to you in order to feel more comfortable.

Type 3 Boundaries
:
These children aren’t even thinking about your limits. When you do impose boundaries, they just see that you’re getting in their way. Of all 4 Types, these are the children that will push against your boundaries the most. Remember that it’s not about you; it’s about their forward push toward exploration and big results.

Child Whisperer Tip:
Consider, “Why am I really telling my child no?” Is it because it’s more convenient to say no? Less messy? Is it because their desired project is something you’re not really interested in? Instead of closing off a boundary, offer your support and allow them to try things on their own. If their desired goal is not age appropriate, help them modify it or divert them to another goal they want just as much.