The Body Language Rules (20 page)

around waist-height . Use undivided attention techniques, facing full-on

where possible .

guest sitting, host approaching with hand extended, smiling . Use an

intentional gesture to allow your visitor time to stand before you shake . B O D y TA Lk I n T he W O Rk PL Ace 279

Bad

Shaking hands over a desk, half-crouched . never lean across a desk to

shake hands .

One person grabbing the other's arm as they shake . never use a

handshake to capture your victim .

Never use a handshake as an opportunity to power posture . An example would be when the shaker takes the visitor's hand to shake, but uses it to pull them in to hug . Avoid a forced acceleration of affection . It should be mutual . 280 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

sTAnding Good

Feet about shoulder-width apart, body straight but relaxed, hands

lightly clasped in front . This describes the Power Pose, where you are

well planted and well balanced, hands ready for emphatic gestures .

half-perched on table or desk, one leg bent, one cheek on table,

arms loose on lap . This is called a half-sit, still active enough to be a

standing pose and dominate attention, but very relaxed . B O D y TA Lk I n T he W O Rk PL Ace 281

Bad

Legs splayed too wide, arms folded . This is aggressive alpha-signaling,

like a nightclub bouncer .

Legs crossed while standing--the passive scissors pose .

Feet slightly apart, toes slightly pointed together, ankles bent

outward . This is a passive, juvenile stance signaling compliance . 282 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

I Standing with your legs almost together and your arms straight

down by your sides . This stance is too unnatural and

android .

I Standing with a slumped posture . This is weak and

compliant, and signals that you are low energy and

not worth listening to .

I Standing with your hands clasped behind your back, legs apart .

This stance, most usually performed by men, has an

air of enforced authority .

I Standing holding your coffee high up on your chest, near

your chin . This barrier suggests you'd rather be left

alone .

I Standing with your legs slightly splayed, hands covering crotch .

This is the defensive fig-leaf pose that suggests you

feel under attack .

siTTing Good

I Legs crossed, elbows propped on arms of chair, hands loosely

clutched in lap .

I Legs uncrossed, knees slightly apart, elbows on arms of chair,

hands loosely clasped (this is only a good sitting position for

men) .

I Sitting forward in the chair, legs slightly splayed, elbows on

thighs, you'll look keen to listen, but be careful of being

overcongruent--you risk looking too keen . B O D y TA Lk I n T he W O Rk PL Ace 283

I Legs crossed, one elbow over back of chair, hands lightly

clasped . This makes you look confident as long

as the chair-back is the right height and shape

to pull the pose off smoothly . You could risk

looking slightly disconnected from the discussion,

though .

Bad

I Legs splayed wide, arms folded tight on chest, slightly slumped .

The position gives off mixed signals: a strongly

dominant or arrogant crotch-display combined

with guarded body barrier that makes you look

argumentative and stubborn .

I Arms and legs crossed . This signifies closed to attempts

at communication .

I Arms behind head, legs splayed . This is the classic

pit-baring pose that exposes all your most delicate

body parts, making you look arrogant .

I Arms clasped behind chair, legs wrapped around chair legs .

You look as though you're being held hostage .

I Perching on edge of chair, tucked into the side or corner of the

room . This makes you look nervous and anxious .

I Slumped and looking down . You'll come across as

negative and bored .

I Straddling back of chair . Here you'll seem playful,

gung-ho, and flirty, but totally obnoxious . 284 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

I One leg across the other, calf on top of thigh . This is not an

especially negative pose but still a form of barrier,

making you appear disconnected or judgmental .

I Same leg position as previously but torso leaning back slightly

and hands on calf . This hand gesture reinforces the

barrier nature of the pose, making you look like

you're not in agreement with what's being said .

I Sitting upright with steepled fingers, elbows resting on arms of

chair . This pose appears to emphasize your status

to the point where it demeans that of the person

with you .

I Legs splayed wide, elbows hooked over the back of the chair .

This pose is aggressive and combative .

I Sitting on top of one leg, which is crooked under your bottom .

This suggests you're instinctive, childlike, and

energetic, plus quite keen to raise your status by

raising your height .

I Legs crossed on the chair . This pose suggests you're either

completely childlike or that you have spiritual

tendencies .

yOUR mAnIPULATIVe BODy LAngUAge TechnIqUeS In the '80s, budding salesmen and entrepreneurs were taught how to take control of meetings with powerful body language techniques . These included gems like the power shake, where they fought to get their hand on top B O D y TA Lk I n T he W O Rk PL Ace 285

in the shake, and the eye-stare, where you engaged your victim in an eye-contact stand-off with the loser being the one who looked away first . These are now quite rightly deemed corny and too much like testosterone-fuelled posturing to have a place in modern life . However, there are subtler bonding and influencing techniques you can use to get better results from any meeting, conversation or transaction and I've listed them below .

Warning: It's very easy to get overexcited at the thought of using subliminal bonding techniques, but don't! These tips are to be used subtly; the minute you exaggerate them you get shown a yellow card for crassness above and beyond the call of duty . Now before I let you in on a few trade secrets repeat after me: "I must remember to be subtle... I must remember to be subtle... I must remember to be subtle..."

I Postural echo, postural congruence, or mirroring . Like-bodied

tends to look like-minded, so when in doubt just

pick up on your partner or fellow speaker's body

posture and pace and copy it . What you're doing is

mimicking the natural behavior of close friends who

will automatically mimic one another when they

meet or are in conversation . If you like someone,

you try to be like them, too . This technique is called

postural echo, mirroring, or mimicry . It's a bit like

walking up to someone who's already dancing and

joining in with them . You match the pace of their 286 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

movement and their overall position and mood . To

get this right you need to be subtle, though . What

you don't do is create a perfect mirror image because

they'll think you're making fun of them . Do work

on this before you use it . It's good to rehearse with

a friend and get him or her to let you know when

your mirroring is becoming too obvious .

I Pacing and leading . This is �ber powerful stuff that also

requires a light and deft touch to make it effective .

You talk with someone who is in a state that you

find unproductive . Either they are too shy or closed,

or they appear nervous or too anxious . You begin by

slightly mirroring their pose and/or energy . Then as

you speak with them you begin to move your own

body language into the state you want them to be

in . This means beginning to open out if you started

with your arms folded in a barrier, or slowly calming

down if you began by mirroring their jittery nerves,

anger, or anxiety . By gradually altering your own

state, having started from theirs, you should be able

to lead them to the same state you end in . Again,

practice this one in a safe environment because it's

hard to do consciously .

I Transfix . When your customer goes off the point or

keeps trying to change the subject, you can use

a transfix to get them back to the point . This is B O D y TA Lk I n T he W O Rk PL Ace 287

where your body language pose holds when you've

been interrupted to show a desire to get back to

your point when they've finished .

I Intentional gestures or announcements . These gestures tend

to mime a partial movement, like slightly raising

your hand when you want to speak at a meeting,

sitting slightly forward when you want to interrupt;

alerting signals, where you use an eye-flash (quick,

meaningful glance), take off glasses, or clear your

throat, and so on; or even body-guides, where you

pat or touch someone subtly to steer them .

I Back-channel signals . These are subtle ways of steering a

conversation via nodding to encourage or changing

your pace or looking around a room to end a conver-

sation and signal a desire to move on .

unPoPulARiTy AT woRk There are two easy ways to make yourself unpopular at work: one is to be the boss and spend every waking moment reminding your colleagues of that fact, and the second is to not be the boss but keep throwing your weight around as though you were .

In power and status terms here are a few other options . Do you see yourself in one of these categories? If so, it's a good idea to look at your body language and see what you can change to improve your status . 288 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

I Reflectors: people who hang around the boss, brown-

nosing, or people who embark on sexual relation-

ships with the boss to bask in the reflected glory .

I Dippers: people who adopt high or low status signals

depending on the circumstances .

I hiders: people who yearn for status but who fail to

display status signals, then complain when they

get looked over for promotion, claiming the boss

should have spotted the fact that they were capable

of change if and when the promotion had been

offered .

I Skulkers: people who prefer to be submissive .

oveRkill high-sTATus signAls in The woRkPlACe If you're genuinely high status and comfortable with that, you shouldn't need to throw your weight around verbally or visually . These following signals come under the heading of Power Posturing . Genuinely high-status people will usually have the confidence to avoid these at all times .

I Standing too close

I Standing behind someone

I Power shaking (keeping your hand on top in the handshake)

I Shake and grab--using an arm-clench to control the other

person as you shake

I Shake-and-pat, patting the other person as you shake their hand B O D y TA Lk I n T he W O Rk PL Ace 289

I Power patting--patting the other person on the back or

shoulder

I Using more space than everyone else

I Sitting or standing higher than everyone

I chin raised, looking down your nose

I not smiling back or acknowledging someone when they greet

you

I Wide-splayed legs

I hands on hips

I chest stuck out

I Pit baring

I Smug smile

I Staring

I Frowning

I metronomic gestures

I Steepled fingers

I cutoff signals, like closing your eyes when someone is talking

to you or you're talking to them

I Aggressive arm-fold

I Looking more relaxed than the other person

I Stomping in high heels

I Steering other people

low-sTATus signAls There are times in business when you should choose to lower your own status to accommodate a guest, client, or 290 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

higher-ranking workmate . However, you should avoid overkill on low-status gestures just as much as you should avoid Power Posturing .

While some subtle body lowering, smiling, or mirroring can be appropriate, the following gestures will do you no favors at all .

I giggling, overly smiling, or adding a small laugh at the end of

everything you say

I crouching or hunching

I making your body look smaller by pulling your arms into your

sides, and so on .

I Tottering in high heels

I Using less space than others

I Arm or hand barriers

I Stuffing your hands in your pockets

I Face touching or face covering

I hand rubbing

I Fiddling, looking self-absorbed

I Lack of eye contact

I A dipped head

I Allowing yourself to be led

I A weak handshake

I A hand that is snatched away too soon

I neck touching or holding

I nail biting

I Sitting or standing with legs or torso turned partially away B O D y TA Lk I n T he W O Rk PL Ace 291

I Legs and arms crossed

I Sitting on the edge of the seat

I Sitting with feet either pointing toward or heading toward the

door

I Palms-up gesture

I Tiptoeing into meetings

I Always sitting at the back

Status spats are unseemly and you should never get suckered in . However, it's important to remember that continually lying down and rolling over will only get you labeled--quite rightly--as a wuss . The challenge, then, is to exude confidence, reliability, wisdom, and natural authority without upsetting your colleagues .

What this means is spraying your territory with that quality we've mentioned throughout this chapter: