The Best Friend (12 page)

She closed her eyes and breathed in deeply
. No
. Her thoughts had never gone there. She never even considered how much Leila feared Tony would kill himself. He seemed unhappy, lazy, unmotivated, but not suicidal. Then again, Leila was right, and she did lose complete contact with him; and was only around him again for a handful of times. She had—

“I’m not going to kill myself.”

Gretchen whipped around on her stool when Tony’s quiet, deep voice sounded from behind her. He stood at the top of the stairs, completely still, wearing sweats and a t-shirt. It was short-sleeved and he let the left sleeve flop loosely. His hair was down, falling well past his shoulders, and ratty. His beard descended right down into his neck, as she was sure he hadn’t shaved or trimmed it in days.

“Tony!” Leila screeched, standing up more erect. “We were…”

“I know what you were doing.” He stepped forward and she waited for the inevitable, explosive litany of curses at finding Gretchen there, discussing
him
, with his parents, behind his back, like he was a naughty teen in need of proper disciplining. Instead, he said nothing, but passed by Gretchen with only a quick, vacant glance before heading toward his mother, whom he wrapped in an one-armed embrace. Leila wilted into him, her head only coming as high as his collarbone, and tears filled her eyes when she clutched his shirt. “I’m sorry. We shouldn’t have been talking about you. I was trying to explain something to Gretchen. Please don’t be mad, Tony.”

He patted her back. “I’m not mad, Mom. It’s okay.” He glared at Gretchen over his mother’s head and his brown eyes sparked in anger. But his jaw was clamped shut.

Gretchen lowered her gaze as shame filled her for upsetting Leila so. It was obvious Tony had plenty to say about what she’d just put his mother through. Gretchen was a little bit humbled by the first display of affection and genuine concern she’d seen him show towards Leila. To be honest, it warmed her heart, since she was pretty convinced he felt nothing, for anyone. But he did care for his mother.

He mumbled to Leila, “It’s okay. Gretchen was just being
a friend
. I’ll talk to her. You don’t have anything to worry about. Neither of you do. I promise.”

His gaze was still pinned on her as he said “friend.” Lewis patted his shoulder and Leila finally wiped her eyes and nodded. “We’ll let you two be alone.”

Leaving the kitchen, his parents went into the den down the hall. Tony watched them and his gaze lingered until the door clicked shut. Then he turned towards her, and the quiet, controlled demeanor vanished with the clicking of the door. His gaze unexpectedly burned into her. Blazing. Trying to incinerate her. She gulped down the intimidating lump of fear now lodged in her throat, realizing she not only provoked the tiger, but probably lit it’s tail on fire.

“What the fuck were you doing?” His tone remained low and quiet so his parents couldn’t hear him; but the nasty retort sounded deep and bitter. “How could you go into that with her? Do you know how much she’s been through?”

Gretchen stood up slowly, sliding off the stool. Okay, she obviously miscalculated how well Leila was doing with Tony. She should not have approached her with this. But… Fine. She’d approach him instead.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know she’d take it that hard. I had no idea, to be honest. Or that you’d care so much about how she feels. I’m glad to see you still have
some
feelings left inside you.”

“I woke up to my mother screaming about me dying. Do you think I enjoyed that? What were you doing? What did you say to her?”

Gretchen stared into Tony’s furious eyes.
Leila was his Achilles heel.
He cared more about Leila than he did his missing arm. No, that’s not true… both of his parents mattered to him, and he still cared about both of them. So far, it was the only thing that gave her a glimpse of the old Tony. Now, Gretchen understood why his parents let things stand the way they were. They were right, too. She didn’t take it as far as she should have. She did not fully consider the fear they still lived with every day. The nightmare that nearly took their son from them was far from over.  She licked her lips, stiffened her spine, and nodded. She got it now; and knew where they were coming from, as well as why they couldn’t force Tony to do anything or accept any help.

But she could
. Yes. She could do that. He might, end up hating her for it; but she could deal with that. Tony thought she was so nice. Well, he was in for a big surprise now. In the name of healing and therapy, Tony never dealt with likes of her. He should have asked Jessie about what Gretchen did for her. How unkind she could be.

It was what she would now do for him.

“I told her she had to kick you out.”

His jaw tightened and she waited for the explosive reply. Instead, he scooted back until his butt hit the counter, which he leaned against, while assessing her. He lifted his eyebrow and inquired, “And you expected my parents to do that simply because you asked?”

She furrowed her brow. Stated that way, it was completely unreasonable that she’d come here expecting to do that simply because she suggested it. She should have begun her suggestions for Tony as something smaller, and way more easily accomplished. Something way more saner, and a lot less overwhelming. Like perhaps, Tony could try washing his own shirts. Coming here demanding Leila and Lewis kick him out... okay, a huge colossal mistake. “Well, no… I guess they wouldn’t do that just because I suggested it.”

He shook his head, and his expression seemed puzzled. “Why? Why did you come over here first thing just to tell them that?”

“I told you before. I’m going to help you. You’re just probably not going to like my methods of helping.”

He turned and rummaged around the cabinet, emerging with a box of toaster pastries. He popped them into the toaster and contemplated them. “I don’t need help. There is nothing to help me with. This just is what it is. Besides, what exactly would you do?”

He didn’t turn around towards her, so she contemplated his back. It was long and narrow, tapering down to his slim waist. The gray sweats, his standard uniform of late, barely hung onto his hips. The t-shirt stretched  across his wide shoulders and hugged his lean lower back. Perfect, except… he was lopsided. His right arm looked strong and well developed on one side, and the other had nothing. It still managed to shock and surprise her. Even though she knew it was gone and expected it, the absence still startled her. He rarely let her look at him without frowning back in negative, rude glares. So she tried to sneak in all of her peeks when he didn’t know. Her heart twisted at the loose armhole every single time she saw it.

She’d gone about this all wrong. She never took into account how upset and worried his parents still were for him. She had a lapse of judgment and let her emotions rule her mind, instead of remaining objective and relying on her clinical training. She temporarily forgot the psychologist that she was.

She needed to start with manageable steps. She nearly smacked her head against the table. How could she not have approached the Lindstroms with a more normal, sane approach? With a program in mind in which Tony could accomplish little things before she demanded grand, sweeping gestures, like moving out and living alone. She cringed at her lack of foresight. She screwed up. But since she was still there, she wanted to tackle it. Despite whether the Lindstroms—any of them—wanted her to or not.

The toaster beeped and the pastries popped up. Tony grabbed one and starting eating it. After the fact, he mumbled, “You want one?”

“No. Thank you.” She stood and got off the stool. “Tony?”

“What?”

“I’m sorry for how I approached this. I got… I don’t know, excited, I guess, to get involved and inadvertently pushed my agenda way too far. Will you forgive me for that? And for upsetting your mother? I promise I won’t do it again. Never like that.”

He slowly nodded. “No, don’t upset her again.”

He didn’t ask her to leave, so she chewed on her lower lip and pondered that. He should have technically insisted that she go home. He certainly could be rude enough to accomplish that if he wanted to. Somehow, even after bringing his mother to tears, he didn’t want Gretchen to leave. He seemed to… what? Like her? Have a crush on her? She didn’t think she ever had that effect on any man. No one. Not even Will seemed ever particularly smitten by her beauty or personality. But Tony…. was? Or had been once.

Well, now she was going to use it.

“Will you do something for me?” she kept her tone soft and sweet.

“What?” he grumbled, his back straightening. He knew that tone: he already anticipated that she was about to ask him to do something she knew he wouldn’t want to.

“Would you come with me somewhere this week? Say… on Thursday?”

His entire body froze. “Where?”

“My office.”

He drew in a breath. “As in your therapist’s office? What do you want to do? Make me your newest patient?”

“No. That would be inappropriate. And it would never work, either. I’m not the kind of therapist you need. But I think you need one.”

“I’ve had therapy. And I learned that no amount of talking in the world can regrow a limb.”

“You’re brimming with unresolved anger. Rage might be a better word.”

“
Duh
. I know. I don’t deny it.” He turned away.

“Tony, there’s a doctor in my practice who specializes in this kind of work extensively. He often works with veterans of any conflicts and treats all kinds of things from PTSD to the adjustments required for coming home. Anxiety. Depression. Anything else that happened as a result of being a soldier. Please, will you just meet with him once? What could it hurt?”

“I can’t afford it,” he mumbled without turning around. He grabbed a glass and a carton of milk from the refrigerator. After pouring it, he put the carton back and moved quickly. His motions were fluid and sure, although one-handed. It must have been very frustrating. Her heart pinged again in compassion. He was such a macho, independent man before. How must it have been to suddenly find yourself so limited and hampered by your own body? A body that for a decade was your main weapon and tool of the work you chose to do. And now… nothing.

“You don’t have to pay for it. He already agreed to see you as a favor to me.” Gretchen didn’t inform him that she was providing free services for the child of one of
his
patients in return. Tit for tat. Tony didn’t need to know, however, that it took her all week to make the arrangements. Now she just hoped her first blunder wouldn’t make him throw her out the front door.

Taking his glass to the sink after downing it in three large gulps, he turned as she spoke. He leaned his hand on the counter and shifted his weight forward, while his eyes stared out the window at the normal, familiar, neighborhood scene from his childhood. He didn’t answer her so she quietly stepped up behind him and finally touched his back. He jerked and withdrew as if she suddenly plunged a knife into him. Shifting away from her, he tucked his arm up against his chest.

“Please? Just once? Won’t you do this? If not for me, or for yourself, then do it for Leila. You heard her. She was delirious with grief after one sentence from me. I didn’t hammer her. She lost it from one simple suggestion I made. She is really afraid for you. Don’t make her live with that fear if you can avoid it. You can’t be that selfish. I just can’t believe that. You can’t want your mother to continually fear finding your dead body downstairs. If you do this one thing, it will signify to her that you do care about your life, and about her, and therefore, you won’t simply end it all.”

His intake of breath was sharp. “You don’t sugar-coat anything, do you?”

“You mean, kind of like you?”

He glanced over his shoulder at her, lifting his lip in a half smile of appreciation. “Yeah, kind of like me. Fine. Whatever. If it’ll ease my mom’s mind, okay; why not? It won’t hurt anything. Or help. But at least, she’ll think it does.”

Gretchen nodded, resisting the urge to argue or point out that it could help a lot.

“It’s scheduled for four o’clock. I’ll pick you up at three-thirty.”

“Hell, I get a free ride out of the deal too? Great. Wanna take me by the pharmacy? I need to grab some things. Kill two birds, you know?”

There was no end to his antagonism. She smiled, despite her annoyance. “Yes, I’ll drive you. Extracurricular errands included. Just as long as you promise to see him.”

She turned away and quickly entered the den where she apologized to both Leila and Lewis, before informing them about the counselor. Tears filled Leila’s eyes, only this time, they were from joy. “You got him to agree to it?”

“Yes. He’s going.” She didn’t elaborate on all the less positive details or the less than positive attitude Tony responded with, as they didn’t need to know any of that.

“Oh, Gretchen. That’s so wonderful. Thank you. Just… thank you, for taking a genuine interest in his welfare. For trying. Please, don’t give up, no matter how hard he makes it on you.”

Gretchen squeezed Leila’s hand, touched by the tears she saw shining on her eyelids. “I won’t, Leila. I promise you. I won’t disappear again.”

Chapter Eight

Tony entered the waiting room and withheld a groan of dismay. Windows provided a panoramic view of the landscaped grounds surrounding the office building where Gretchen worked. Obviously, counseling people paid off. Her office was just off Front Street in downtown Calliston. It had a new brick-and-cedar shingle exterior, a brick-paved entry, high ceilings, and was imbued with plenty of natural light.

Tony said no more than three words to Gretchen on the way there. He didn’t bother to shower for the appointment and wore his favorite sweats, t-shirt, and signature ponytail. What was the point in getting more groomed than that? She wore a tan business suit and low heels. When her hair swung around her face, it was as clean and perfect as the rest of her. She was silent after he snarled his answers to her two inquiries about how his week had been; and wisely ignored him.