The Bare Necessities (Non-Profane Edition) (34 page)

“She's just full
of beans,” Claire replied. “A lust for life.”

“You weren't so
bad yourself last night,” he teased and Claire blushed.

“Yeah, don't tell
the others 'bout that,” she pleaded. “I don't want twenty
questions.”

“I am always
discreet,” Andre promised and he kissed his new girlfriend. “You
know that!”

* *
* * *

“Are you still
moaning?” Paige told her companion as he pulled into the leafy
Southend street that marked their destination “You heard what Greg
said. This doesn't end until one of us stops it.”

“But Paige, this
is going to end badly. Trust me on this.”

“Well have you got
any better ideas?” Jack hummed at her. “See told you. Now shut up
and park the car.”

“Do you even know
what number she lives at?”

“Yep. Oh, don't
look at me like that. Her address is on the website of Christian
Outrage. They are a charity or a non-profit or something. It's the
law.”

“Wow. You found
that.”

“No. Lucinda did.”
Paige smirked at her friend. “She's been very helpful. Once I
explained our plan.”

“Don't even go
there,” Jack moaned as he stopped the car next to a tree. Paige
opened the box and took out some jewellery, fixing a broach to her
T-shirt, and she winked at him.

“Let's go and sort
this out,” she said confidently, and the couple disembarked from
the vehicle. They probably could have guessed which house belonged
to Sue Garratt without the address as only one property had the
Christian symbol by the front door and a psalm carved onto wood
hanging over the porch.

“Nervous?”

“Course not,”
Paige lied and rang the doorbell of the property. They heard
movement from behind the glass fronted door, and Paige grinned at
her partner.

“What are you two
doing here? It's harassment, this is?”

Paige gestured
behind her. “There are no cameras, Sue. No paps. Just you and
us.”

“Our spat, Mrs
Garratt,” Jack said anxiously. “We want it to end.”

“Well you know
what you have to do to make it end,” the Christian said firmly.
“But I fear that you don't want to repent.”

Paige beamed. “We
want to talk,” she said in an unnaturally sweet voice. “And come to
an agreement.”

“What she means
is, is that we want to talk to you. This isn't a set up, there's no
cameras, there's no publicity. Our agent doesn't know we are here.
Neither does Claire. It's just us and you.”

Sue whistled while
she weighed up the faces of the two teenagers and looked at both of
them in turn, clearly trying to read their minds. She sniffed, and
the white-haired battleaxe opened the door. “Come in then, let's
talk.”

Paige smiled at
Jack and entered the musty household. It was clean and impeccably
presented, but there were an incredible number of ornaments and
paintings on the old-fashioned wallpaper. Sue showed them to the
red and cream living room, decorated in flowery wallpaper with over
100 figurines around the room.

Paige and Jack sat
on the cream sofa, and Paige turned to face Sue as she lowered
herself onto her chair. “We want to tone down, the rhetoric,” Jack
asked her. “I don't think it's good for you and I don't think it's
good for us.”

Sue Garratt
considered this for a moment. “Are you going to keep making those
abominable shows? Enticing our youth into immorality and depravity.
Turning them against the Lord's words?”

Paige bit her lip.
“We will be naturists, yes. But naturism isn't against the
teachings of the bible,” Jack asserted. “It's non-sexual
nudity.”

“Adam and Eve were
ashamed of their nudity,” Sue told them. “Isaiah Chapter 47 Verse
3. Your nakedness shall be uncovered, and your disgrace shall be
seen. Ezekiel Chapter 16 Verse 35. O prostitute, hear the word of
the Lord. Thus says the Lord God, Because your lust was poured out
and your nakedness uncovered in your whorings with your lovers, and
with all your abominable idols, and because of the blood of your
children that you gave to them.”

“I am not a
prostitute,” Paige barked.

Sue laughed. “You
are a prostitute in every way. Adhering to the nasty and vile
demands of your puppetmasters for a few shillings of dirty money.
And Revelations Chapter 17. And the ten horns that you saw, they
and the beast will hate the prostitute. They will make her desolate
and naked, and devour her flesh and burn her up with fire. You my
dear, are already naked, you shall be made desolate and your flesh
devoured.”

“I do not know
what to say,” Paige muttered and clenched her fists.

Jack pulled out a
piece of paper from his pocket. “How about 'The man and his wife
were both naked, and they felt no shame. Can we not agree to
disagree on the subject of our nakedness?”

Sue shook her
head. “Not while you are spewing the dangerous images into our
society. We are outraged.”

“You are having a
membership boost,” Paige reminded her and smiled. “Your website
says that membership applications, with the membership fee, are
taking a bit longer to process because you've got too many.”

“Unprecedented
demand was what was said,” Jack told her friend, and they looked at
Sue with wide smiles. “So your outrage is just a marketing
exercise, right?”

Sue gulped. “No.
Now I think it's a good idea if you leave. I've heard enough. You
have no wish to repent your sins and …”

“We are thinking
are making a donation,” Paige offered with a forced smile as Jack's
eyes widened. “For your good work of course. I mean, there are
hundreds, thousands of music bands who sing about worshipping Satan
and all that. Why pick on us? If we give you some money, then you
can go picket someone else.”

Sue looked
directly at Paige and pursed her lips. “What makes you think that
we can be bought?”

“Because I looked
… well Jack's aunt looked … at some of your press releases. They
all follow a similar pattern. Get worked up, loads of releases,
tail off and pick a new target. And shortly afterwards there is a
Christian church, or school, or project gets a bundle of money from
you. So who is it, and how much?”

Sue smiled. “Very
enterprising. I'm almost impressed.” Paige shrugged. “It normally
takes a bit longer for the immoral heathens to crumble.”

“Come on then, who
and how much? We have to go back and sell it to Claire, so we need
to know how much you want.”

Sue bit her lip.
“There's a … er … well there's a playgroup that's about to made
homeless. They need to buy the centre.”

“How much?” Paige
insisted.

“I do not talk
money in my house,” Sue replied tersely. “But it is a sizeable
sum.”

“And if we don't,
you will continue causing trouble for us?”

“You are violating
the good word of God,” Sue snapped at her. “I can't be expected to
say nothing.” Paige sniffed and rubbed her eyes. “The playgroup is
on London Road. The site goes for auction in ten days.”

Paige got up from
her chair and looked at Jack. “We'll see ourselves out,” she told
their host and gestured for Jack to get up from his seat. “And
we'll think about it. We'll talk to Claire.”

Sue used the arms
of her sedan chair to pull herself upright, and she looked at the
fiery redhead. “You lot always settle,” she told her. “It's easier
that way. The pub did, the brothel did, the gambling den did. You
will.”

Paige smiled. “I
am sure we will,” she promised and strode down the hall to the
front door. Paige practically ran to the car and looked behind her
at Jack shaking his head.

“That wasn't part
of the plan,” he said to his friend fiercely as they entered the
car.

“It was,” Paige
replied. “Your aunt and I had a chat last night after you went to
bed. We just couldn't tell you, but it was always part of the plan.
But the dodgy bitch. She's bent.”

“Yeah, and …”

“ … and we just
got to tell everyone,” Paige added. “Just tell the world what a
nasty piece of work she is. And then we are done.”

“Yeah, of course.”
Jack snapped. “How easy! Our word against her's.”

Paige smiled
and tapped her broach. “I’m sure we’ll be believed,” she said with
a smile. “We are the Bare Necessities. We don’t have any secrets,
do we?”

1. Chapter
   XXIV
   

Jack and Paige
traipsed through the front door of Lucinda's house, and Paige
closed it firmly. “Can't they give it a rest?” She moaned and
nodded towards the locked door. “Two of them outside.”

“Price of fame,”
Jack muttered. “You wanted it.”

Paige hummed and
opened the door to the lounge, looking at their band mate sat on
the chair. “A little birdie told me that you've been off with
Andre.” Claire bit her lip. “Is that true?”

She hesitated.
“Well … sort of.” She stretched her legs and smiled at the talented
redhead who didn't return it. “I needed to get away and have a
break and … well … Andre did too.”

Paige snorted.
“You didn't need to lie. You said you were going to see family. Was
it good?” Claire nodded. “Was Andre any good?” Claire blushed, but
the teasing Paige didn't see her embarrassment, as she turned to
look at the letterbox that rattled open, and an envelope came
through the door.

Paige reached down
to pick it up and instinctively held it out to Lucinda, who
shrieked.“I bet it's from your father,” Jack was told, and he
groaned. “It's got your name on it. But I think I know what is in
it, and I want you to throw it away without opening it.”

Jack looked at the
pale white envelope and ran his fingers over the top of it. “I
think I know as well.”

“Well I don't.
What is it?” Paige asked anxiously, and Jack rubbed his nose.

“Errr … it will be
my dad telling me to stop … well, this,” he replied tersely.”

“So, what's
new?”

“No, Paige. You
don't understand. It will be telling Jack to make a choice.”

“I don't care
about it,” Jack hurriedly cried.

“No. It's his
final ultimatum. This way or his way.” Lucinda muttered. “I'll
throw it away. And I'll tell Paul I never gave it to you.”

“No,” Jack ordered
and held the envelope out of reach of his aunt. Paige grabbed the
white piece of paper and backing away from Jack, tore it open.
“It's mine,” he cried and snatched the crumpled up page from his
friend.

“Then read it,”
Paige demanded with a fierceness in her voice. “Read it. See what
he has to say.”

“I know what he is
going to say,” he spat. “And I don't want to.”

Paige looked at
him in his eyes and blinked. “You mean you don't want to read it in
front of me.”

“No. It will be
him threatening to cut my inheritance,” Jack murmured. “He told me
last week.”

“And you didn't
tell us,” Paige said with wide eyes.

He shrugged. “Why
does it matter? It's not you, it's me.”

“Oh, so you are
going to walk away from your inheritance?” Paige sarcastically
shouted. “And everything else?”

“Well I am here,
not with him, so I guess that answers the question,” Jack shouted
back.

“Jack,” Lucinda
called. “It is not going to just be the inheritance. Twenty-seven
years ago, your father gave me a letter like that from your
grandfather and it was that which caused Robert to flee. So I know
exactly what is in it.”

“What? What's the
worse he can do?” Paige asked the pale woman, and she gestured
towards her nephew. “I can't stop him. I couldn't twenty-seven
years ago and I can't now. I can only tell you that I wish I had
stood up to my father.”

Paige reached
forward and grabbed the paper from her friend. Jack shouted in
anger, but Paige put her hand out to stop the man from approaching
her, and she read it out. “Jack. You will know that we all detest
the stupid situation you are in and I have tried threatening to
remove your inheritance, but you will not see sense. I know you are
due to play at Hyde Park Festival tonight. I will be in the Emerald
Hotel on Park Lane in suite 601 until midday tomorrow. If you are
not there by then and promise to stop this stupidity, you will
never be welcome at our home or to be with us again.” Paige looked
up at her friend and bit her lip. “The … bastard. It goes on about
throwing your life away and stuff. How can he do this to his own
son?”

Lucinda cleared
her throat. “Because … he's turned into a bastard.”

“Well it's easy,”
Paige replied as she passed the letter back to Jack. “Tell him to
do one, it's not his life.”

“It's a big
decision,” Lucinda replied and looked at her nephew. “A very big
decision.”

“Is it bollocks?”
Paige shouted. She looked at Claire and Jack and then at Lucinda.
“It all depends on whether Jack has a spine or not.”

“You are asking
him to sacrifice his family,” Lucinda said a quiet voice. “It's … I
gave in. Or more to the point, my partner gave in 'cause he could
see what it was doing to me. That was your father, so I don't think
you understand …”

“I do,” Paige
interrupted and looked at her friend. “So, OK, what's it to be? Us
or them?”

“Paige,” Claire
called.

“No,” she girl
shouted. “I am asking Jack. Do we count for anything? Do I count
for anything?”

Jack thought and
wiped his eyes. “It's a … it's …”

“Oh for Christ's
sake,” Paige cried and stormed towards the door. “Spineless posh
bastard,” she muttered. She turned and looked at him. “I thought we
really had something.”

“It's so easy for
you,” Claire yelled back. “It's not you that has to choose.”

“No,” Paige
shouted back. “But if I did, I wouldn't even need to think about.”
She sighed and rubbed her forehead. “I need to use the laptop, and
then we better go. If this is going to be our last performance we
better make it pretty awesome.”