The Bare Necessities (Non-Profane Edition) (29 page)

Jack waited for
Andre to leave their dressing room and looked at Paige. “How will
you sing?”

“Naked,” Paige
replied back. “But I got a few things to say first! And Flee's
concert is going out live again, did you know that?”

“Yes, we did,”
Claire told her, and they both glared at the grinning face of
Paige. They didn't get any time to question their uncontrollable
lead singer as she led them from their dressing room to the side of
the stage and then onto the stage with a deafening roar,
interspersed with a few boos.

“Hi,” Paige said
into the microphone and looked over the audience. “Bet'cha all
wondering why I'm clothed. Well the organisers have had some
complaints and have said that unless I am covered up they will cut
our session, and I will be arrested.” The few boos turned into a
torrent of angry hisses and jeers, directed towards the concert
organisers. “Of course, they are not the only people not to
understand naturism. Christian Outrage, Peter Moran …” Paige waited
for the animated booing and catcalling to die down before
continuing. “My brother is in hospital at the moment because three
guys beat him up. They are gay, and my brother said 'no' to them,
but they thought he was gay as he went to naturist camp sites. This
is stupid, but if any gay guy wants a piece of teenage arse, just
ask for Leroy, Gavin or Dan in Croydon … and then maybe they will
leave the rest of us alone.” Paige giggled as the crowd listened
and she looked towards her two bandmates. “They are as bent as you
can get. Right guys, start with Hot and Cold?”

They nodded, and
she turned back to the audience. “Just one more thing …” Paige put
the microphone on its stand and pulled her T-shirt from her waist
and over her head, before throwing it into the audience. “To every
concert organiser, policeman, talk show host and religious nutter
out there: I DON'T SING CLOTHED.” She looked up at the sky and
shrugged as the crowd whistled in delight and she waited for the
intro for her first song as Jack and Claire disrobed behind her.
“And I won't be told what to do by small-minded bigots,” she said
firmly before launching into her first song.

Paige managed the
first half of the song before the power to their instruments was
cut, and a harassed man ran onto the stage. “Get dressed!” He
ordered.

“No,” Paige
shouted to cries of boos around them. “Listen to them. They came to
see the Bare Necessities.”

“You've got to get
dressed. Your agent promised.”

“Yeah well he
lied. He's an agent. Get used to it.”

“I cannot let you
continue.” Paige picked up the microphone and waved it in front of
her.

“Paige,” Jack
called. “Perhaps …”

“I can't sing,”
the animated teenager shouted. “They came to see us sing. You want
us to go home?”

He stumbled as the
booing and jeering turned angry and he put his hands together.
“Please.”

“No,” Paige
shouted. “Turn our power back on or we go home.” He backed away as
Paige advanced towards him and the crowd's jeers turned to
cheers.

A few moments
later the power was restored and Paige's shouting towards a man at
the front of the crowd was broadcast through her microphone. “…
nipples can get a bit hard, but it's fine really.” She stopped as
the stadium erupted into laughter and Paige took the microphone
again. “Shall we start again,” Paige asked and looked towards Andre
in the wings. “Now the concert organisers have said we can sing
naked.” Andre shook his head but Paige smiled. “A song for our
agent I think, Don't Hate Us.”

* * * * *

Jack pushed the
newspapers towards her, but Paige was busy reading the tabloid
newspaper to notice. “Are Jack and Paige the Bare Ne-kiss-ities?”
Paige called out. “Oh my God. They think we are going out.” She
glared at Lucinda who sank into her seat.

“Yeah I said I'm
sorry. It just sort of came out.”

“Yeah well, that's
got us on page four and five. I must say, Jack, I think they've
done you a favour on the size of the star that covers your … ahem …
little man. That star is unreasonably massive.” Jack glanced over
and looked at the picture where everything from his bellybutton to
his knees was covered with a yellow star. “The things over my
assets are, unfortunately, a bit smaller.”

Jack laughed.
“Well according to the story I am very fond of your assets,” he
replied. Lucinda peered over the top of the story and giggled.

“Well it's all very well having love stories, but
look what they've written about me. That slimy Peter Moran.” Paige
took the cheap tabloid from their guitarist and scanned the page
until she reached the bottom story on their nemesis's column. “Is
Claire Baynes still anorexic?” Paige read. “What is that man
smoking?”

“They've digitally
altered the two photos,” Claire moaned. The first was taken from
their first video and the second taken a couple of days ago in
concert, and it was clear Claire had lost some weight, but the
effect had been magnified by the newspaper's editing suite. “I was
never that fat in the first video. And I am not on a lettuce diet
at all, I hate the stuff.”

“Hey,” Lucinda
simpered. “Don't worry about it. Nobody believes what they read in
the papers anyway.”

“But it's not
right. This is a lie and an invasion.”

“We could go and
see them,” Jack offered. “Go in and give the editor a bollocking. I
mean, Paige's had some experience with that.”

“Or Peter Moran. I
did say I would come after him if he touched Claire again,” Paige
replied. “This is just him trying to poke me.”

“They just want a
reaction,” Lucinda told the three of them. “Don't rise to it. Get
your agent to put out a statement that they will have to cover, or
put a measured response on your website.”

Claire snorted and
picked up two more papers. “I see Christian Outrage have said they
have filed a complaint with the Police,” Jack announced. “Said that
when we stripped at Flee's concert that we broke the law and that
they will bring a private prosecution if the Police fail to
prosecute.”

“Oh for Christ's
sake,” Paige moaned. “Surely there is a way to stop these bastards.
I mean, what is their problem?”

“You,” Claire
muttered. “You antagonise them.”

“And why do all
the pictures in the papers make us look like escaped
criminals?”

“Oh look, we are
in the Herald as well,” Jack muttered. “And that's a far lovelier
picture, apart from the small one there … you look so angry in that
one!”

Paige turned to
have a look. “I'd just had a row with my Dad at the 'ospital,” she
said with an aggressive lilt to her voice. “He had a bit of a go
about something, and I, sort of, lost it.”

“You never told me
what was said. You just said you'd had a bit of a row and wanted to
move in for a few days.”

Paige sighed. “He
hates your family, but I don't know why. Do you know why my Dad
hates your family so much? Other than you being posh bastards.”

Jack laughed at
her expression, but he looked up as Lucinda gave a nervous cough.
“You’ll find out eventually,” she supposed and looked down at the
floor.

“Find out
what?”

“Your Dad,
Paige, was my first husband,” she admitted. “The naturist, I told
you about. And he didn't like my brother much.”

1. Chapter
   XXI
   

“What do you mean,
your first husband?” Jack asked loudly, and Lucinda shrugged.

“Well I sort of
hoped it wouldn't come out,” the woman muttered. “You know I said I
had a husband who was a naturist. I did mention it.”

“Yeah, but not my
dad!”

“OK,” she
blustered. “OK, I'll be back in a minute,” she promised and walked
out of the room, coming back with a photograph album as Jack and
Paige looked at each other. “Look.” The pale blue album was tatty,
and Lucinda passed it to her nephew. Jack looked up, and she
shrugged. “I should have told you before, but I wasn't sure if you
wanted to know.”

Paige gulped. “I
didn't even know my dad was married before mum.”

Lucinda nodded.
“It didn't end too well.” She pulled out a glass from the cupboard
and filled it full of alcoholic spirit, before sitting down at the
table.

“Isn't that a bit
much?” Claire asked, but Lucinda shook her head.

“I need it,” she
replied and watched as Paige opened the album of wedding pictures.
Staring back at her was an extremely young Lucinda in a beautiful
white dress standing next to her father. Young Robert Simmons had
considerably more hair than Paige was used to seeing him with and
he beamed at the camera.

“That's mum,”
Paige told her, pointing at one of the bridesmaids. “Isn't it?”

“Yes, she was a
family friend of your father's family. He had no sisters, and …
ummm … well I got shunned by my friends and family, so it was
natural really. Funny that his future wife attended his first
marriage.” She gulped and watched as they turned page after page,
gulping her fiery drink and squinting. The album contained many
naturist photographs of the married couple, always beaming at the
camera.

“So what
happened?”

Lucinda gulped.
“In truth, I was weak. He worked at the factory that Paul
eventually took over from our dad. And I met him on the Christmas
do. I was sixteen, and he was a couple of years older.” She took a
few more swigs of her drink and wiped her eyes. “He was great. But
Dad was against the marriage, and that meant Paul was. We got
married, and Dad boycotted the wedding. Our friends shunned us, and
… and,” she gulped and squeezed her hands together. “After a year,
Dad withdrew his support. He told Robert that unless we divorce, he
would lose his job, and I would lose my inheritance.”

Paige rubbed
Lucinda's hand and the woman squeezed it. “That's … awful.”

“Yeah. And we had
a few rows. I told him that I didn't care about my inheritance, but
Robert said he couldn't do that to me, and within a few days Paul
came to see us and Robert was gone. I mean, I cried for days.
Weeks. Dad said he thought he knew best and set me up with some
junior doctor.”

“And that lasted
how long?”

“Not very, Dad
died shortly afterwards. But by the time I found Robert again, he
was with your mother, Paige. And that was that. I spoke to him and
he just lost it, telling me that my family were evil and he never
wanted to see me again.”

“That's terrible,”
Jack told her, and Lucinda nodded.

“It was. I just
wished we'd both been stronger, but we were too young.”

“So that's why Dad
hates your family,” Paige told Jack. “Well I hope he realises that
I am not going to be like him, and you aren't like your
grandfather.”

“It was Paul as
well. He turned into his father and as the supervisor he was always
on Robert's case. He was itching to sack Robert. And after we got
divorced, Robert was thrown out of the factory. He was a union
leader as well, so they truly hated him.” Paige took a deep breath
and wiped her face.

“So I get it. But
that was a long time ago.”

“They did their
best to ruin him,” Lucinda said in a low voice. “You forget that
the factory was the biggest employer in the area. If he was sacked
from the factory, then he would struggle to get another job. Which
is what happened and why you had to move away. He had to move a few
miles away.”

Paige gulped. “But
that's evil.”

“It was,” Lucinda
admitted. “And I saw it happening and tried to say something, but
no-one would listen. And I just gave up once he left our little
house.”

Paige sighed and
rubbed her eyes. “I guess I better go and see my Dad.”

* *
* * *

“I'm sorry,”
Claire's mother told her. “But it is just causing too many
problems. And we don't want you to stop but …” Her voice trailed
off and she cleared her throat. “It's Paul. He says that unless you
and Jack stop I can't have my job back and …” She wiped her eyes.
“I'm so sorry, but he's made an allegation that I stole some stuff
from him.”

Claire gulped.
“You can't be … why would he do that?”

“Because he's
nasty,” Teri snapped, and tears flowed down her cheek. “He wants me
to make you stop.”

“But it's Jack's
choice. I can't make him stop.”

“He says that he
wants you and Paige to throw him out the band. Replace him. And
then he'll go back home. And he will withdraw the allegation's he’s
made. But until then …” Claire's eyes fell on a letter Teri has
holding.

“What's that?”
Claire asked and saw the “FINAL DEMAND” written in bright red ink
across the top of the paper. “What's happening?”

“Oh, it's nothing.
And I know you and Jack are friends, and you like his company,” her
mother started.

“I am not throwing
him out the band. I am not doing that.”

“Claire. I've
never asked you for anything before. So please, I'm begging you.
Help me. I need you to do this one thing for me. I know you don't
want to stop, and that Paige is a delightful girl, but …”

“But we are good,”
Claire told her mother. She wavered, and Claire crossed her arms.
“We are good. We get lots of radio airplay. People say we are just
a novelty act but we are loved by the radio stations so it's not.
You can't expect us to walk away from that.”

Teri wiped her
eyes. “Claire. Think about George and …”

“Is it money?”
Claire asked. “We got money for doing the gig at Wembley and sales
on iTunes and all sorts. It's all in a bank account at the moment,
but we can get at it. If it's the money …”

“It's not just the
money,” Teri replied. “I am not a charity case. I just need you to
stop antagonising my employer. Or I could go to prison.” Teri's
face contorted. “If he makes a complaint to the Police, who are
they going to believe? I'm proud of you, and I hate myself for
asking, but please, please Claire, just think about it.”