The Bare Necessities (Non-Profane Edition) (20 page)

“Yeah, and thank
you,” Jack told her.

“No worries.
Anything for my favourite nephew,” she said with a smile. “And when
this is all over, you owe me a bottle of 25 year old
firewater.”

Jack laughed.
“Sure.”

“Something classy mind. Like a
Laphroaig. I don't want any old rubbish.”

* *
* * *

“What's up?” Paige
asked as Claire returned to their tent with an angry look in her
eye.

“The music pub in
Weston. They cancelled.”

“Oh!” Jack moaned.
“Oh well I guess we just go straight to the festival. There must be
a camp site nearby for a day or two.”

“No, you don't get
it. They rang to cancel because of us.” She crossed her arms and
held out her phone. “The Police have been to see them because a
member of the public has put in a complaint that they will be
hosting a sex show.”

“What's that got
to do with us?”

“We are the sex show,” Claire moaned and sighed.
“The guy was genuinely sorry, but he thought that the Police would
try and take his license away if he went ahead with it. So he's
rang to cancel.”

“But why would a
member of the public care about us?” Jack asked, and Claire sighed.
“I mean, who knows?”

Claire shrugged.
“I know there are videos on the Internet, and I guess someone must
have seen them when they put a poster up saying we were coming on
Thursday. I don't know.”

“But … we aren't
that popular are we?”

Jack took his
phone off charge from the electrical hookup and opened the browser.
Paige looked over his shoulder as he navigated to the popular video
sharing site and scrolled down the list of the most popular videos,
and he didn't have long to go before he started seeing “Naked Band”
and “Bare Necessities.”

“Look! We are
above Dancing Kittens,” Paige cried. “Fourth most popular video
this week. That's … like four million views.”

Claire snatched
the phone from Jack and looked at the tiny screen. “How did that
happen?” The screen went black as a telephone call came through and
Jack pressed “off” on his phone.

“Four million
views,” Claire muttered. “Hey we are famous. Or notorious.”

“So that's why
they cancelled.”

“Are we going to
have this everywhere?” Paige moaned. “Are we going to have problems
just playing our music?”

Claire sighed.
“Maybe. Maybe not. I don't know. I've only heard off the pub in
Weston so let's hope it's a one-off.”

The three of them
loaded their car in silence. On one hand, them being on the front
page of one of the most popular sites on the Internet was good, but
at the same time, the notoriety it was bringing disadvantages.

Jack turned on the
radio as they pulled away from the site, waving to the delighted
owners and then accelerated down the country lane. Paige moaned
when a boy band came through the speakers and pressed a button to
find another station.

“And another
caller, what's on your mind?”

“Not Peter Moran,”
Paige moaned.

“I want to talk
about some filth in our society,” the woman announced.

“Of course she
does,” Claire mocked. “Get it off.” Paige went to press the button
when something made her stop.

“That I am
outraged by. My son saw a naked band online called The Bare
Necessities, and it was clear that they are just using sex to try
and sell their music.” Paige laughed and looked behind her at a
horrified Claire sat on the back seat of the car.

“Yes,” the
ex-newspaper editor announced. “I think we've all seen the
clips.”

“And I don't think
that should be allowed. Someone should tell them to get their
clothes on.”

“I agree,” the
host announced.

Claire and Paige
looked at each other ominously as the radio show host launched into
a bitter tirade against them, referring to the two girls as
“strumpets” and their shows “disgusting.”

Jack laughed as
the bitter man reached the end of his rant and looked at them.
“What? We've upset Peter Moran. Come on, it means we must be doing
something right? Don't you think?”

“He's a powerful
man,” Claire muttered.

“He's washed-up,”
Jack replied. “Wasn't he the one that blackmailed a child for a
newspaper story or something. No-one pays any attention to him. Do
they?”

* *
* * *

“Paige,” an
excited voice shouted down the phone. “You're all over the
Internet.”

The lead singer
laughed. “Yeah, I know.”

“No. Like all over
the Internet. And all my friends are talking about it. It's like …
wow!”

“You sound
better,” her sister told the bouncy sixteen year old.

“Yeah … had a
visit from the CPN. It's fine. I'm fine. But what's going on?”

“Our set was
cancelled in Weston and I have been called a strumpet on the
radio,” she said with an upbeat lilt to her voice. “And I am now in
a tiny camp site, and because it's textile I've got to wear
clothes.”

“Oh,” Hazel
muttered. “That's a bit crappy.”

“Yeah. But the
tour's been good. I'm really enjoying it. How's Mum and Dad, and
Jeremy?”

“Mum and Dad found
out about your band being naked today and started asking lots of
questions. I was like, I don't know much, but they want to talk to
you.”

“Oh great,” Paige
muttered. “Claire spoke to her parents earlier, and they were well
shocked about her success. Jack's parents are going mental at
him.”

“Mum was well
excited,” Hazel said in a dramatic voice. “Kept saying that you are
going to be the next Whitney Houston. Dad was just shocked.”

“And Jeremy?”

“He's said
nothing,” Hazel said and then dropped the volume of her voice. “I
think he got into a fight, but he's said nothing. But 'e knows. You
sure it's all fine? OK with that Jack?”

“I'm good. I told
you,” Paige repeated. “And Jack is fine. We've forgiven him and we
are sharing a sleeping bag!” Hazel sniggered. “But Jeremy … I
didn't think he would care. What's your friends said?”

Hazel hummed.
“They want me to do the same. Strip in the town and sing.” Paige
laughed, and even Hazel gave a titter. “I've said if you go to
number one, I will. Please don't get to number one.”

“I won't,” Paige
promised. “I doubt we will even chart. Ever. But you really sound
happier now.”

“I am,” her
little sister replied. “My big sister is 'bout to be a big
star.”

“Everyone keeps
telling me that but I'll believe it when it happens.”

1. Chapter
   XV
   

“Hello?” Claire
answered her phone after checking the number and looked across at
Paige and Jack, with a raised eyebrow. “What can we do for you,
Andre? It's two in the morning.”

“I would like to
be your agent,” the man told her, and Claire put her smartphone on
loudspeaker.

“Pardon?” Claire
asked.

“I want to be your
agent,” he slurred, and she heard him shuffle. “I know we were
demanding and unfair, but I do love your music.” Claire looked at
Paige who slowly shook her head. “And I know you're still unsigned,
so please, let me work with you.”

“We aren't too
convinced,” Claire announced. “And it's 2am. What the hell is going
on?”

“OK. I'll be
honest. If we don't get your signature, then I'm finished. My uncle
and me. We've been around for decades, but we've lost some key
clients, and we've had a bit of a … er … well a bit of a setback
with some new artists. And bank need us to have new clients. And so
we seriously need your business, and I really liked you.”

Claire hummed, but
Paige sat up and looked at the phone. “Us signing with you should
be good for, like, both of us. Not just to stop you going
bankrupt!”

“Is that Paige?”
Andre asked. “I know I said some things, but I think you guys are
going to be huge.”

“Thanks to
Claire,” Paige reminded him. “I don't think we need an agent.
Claire's got it all sorted. But we do need some sleep, so good
night.”

“I … I … look I've
got some favours to call in. It honestly would be last roll of the
dice for my uncle and me. And we'd throw everything at you.” Paige
gulped. “I'm begging. Please. At least meet with me and hear me
out. I really would work extremely hard for you. It’d be you and
just you.”

Claire stared at
Paige and Jack. Paige rubbed her eyes and swore. “Why now? Why … I
don't get it.”

“Can we call you
back?” Claire asked.

“Yeah, like when
the Sun thing is in the sky and not the moon.”

They heard a sniff
from the end of the telephone and a grunt. “Yeah OK.”

There was silence
as Claire pushed the “red” button on her smartphone. “He's got a
bloody cheek,” Jack proclaimed angrily as Claire's phone went dark
and the only light source in the tent disappeared. “A real cheek.
To say that and to ring us.”

Claire sighed and
rubbed the back of her hair. “You know, I think Paige could do with
an agent.”

“But he's … he's
pub football in the park not Premier League. He's amateur hour. But
it's up to Paige.”

“Excellent. Then I
say, let's go to sleep.”

“Paige,” Claire
moaned.

“So it's not up to
me?” Paige replied and looked behind her. “The agent thing is up to
all of us. I don't know. I am not sure if I want an agent at all,
but if I am going to have one then he's less … bossy … than the
other ones.”

“There's something
wrong with him,” Jack replied. “Paige deserves better.”

“Will you stop
saying that?” The talented singer snapped into the darkness. “It's
about us, not me.”

“Well, if we want
to make it big, then we need to get into the MP3 stores like iTunes
and Amazon and stuff. We need a video shot and …”

“And we don't want
to give 8%,” Jack added. “He can sod right off.”

“What then.
1%?”

“No higher than
2.5,” Jack countered. “And what about merchandise?”

“Can't we discuss
this when I am awake,” Paige moaned, and Claire lay back down in
her sleeping bag.

“It's just …”
Claire muttered into the darkness.

“What?” Jack
asked.

“Well, he seems
quite desperate tonight.”

“We could get a
better deal, you mean.”

“Absolutely,”
Claire replied. “Perhaps if …”

“Perhaps if you
two want to share the double sleeping bag if you want to talk
business at 2am in the sodding morning,” Paige snapped. “And
seriously Jack, if you want to discuss business, please don't get a
stiffy and stick it in my bloody back as you cuddle up to me.”

“Cuddle, eh?”
Claire teased. “Hey, that could start a rumour.” Paige snorted.
“Well you two have shared the double sleeping bag all trip,” she
teased.

“I am too tired
for this discussion,” Paige moaned. “OK. Do we have to do Andre
now?”

“Yes,” Claire said
excitedly. While Claire was keen to enlist the help of the agent,
they had decided on a maximum commission, and a set of demands that
Claire was only too happy to ring him to discuss.

“We are not
prepared to pay eight percent,” she told him. “We are viewing it at
considerably less than that. We want our songs and album on iTunes,
and we want a video,” she demanded from the weary man. “Oh, and we
want to discuss it with you in 36 hours time.”

“Sure, I'll set up
a meeting in our office.”

“In our office,”
Claire said to a snigger from her band mates. “It's a green tent in
a camp site.” Andre groaned. “If you hadn't had been so awkward
from the start then this wouldn't be necessary,” Claire reminded
him. “Do we have an agreement?”

“Yeah,” he
grunted, and Claire promised to ring him in the morning with
directions to where they would be.

* *
* * *

Claire giggled as
she grabbed Jack's hand. “Where's Paige?”

“She is over
there,” she replied and pointed to a craft stall. They were not
used to seeing Paige dressed, but they were at a festival and had
to be clothed – at least until their performance.

The organisers had
subtly asked Claire whether they could be clothed for their show as
they had been spoken to by the local Police who were keen to “keep
the peace,” but Claire reminded them that they were the “Bare
Necessities” and the audience would expect them to be
unclothed.

The
harassed-looking woman disappeared before returning and demanding
that Claire and Paige take to the stage with their genitals
covered. “You can be topless,” the woman told her. “But you can't
go on naked.”

Claire hummed. “If
we say we can't get dressed, you won't let us on stage?”

“We will not let
you on stage undressed,” Claire was told. She looked at Jack who
was listening in.

“Sure,” Jack told
her. “We can do.”

“Can we?”

“Yeah,” Jack told
her. “I can promise you that none of us will go onto the stage
undressed.” The woman gave a sigh of relief.

“Thank you. You
don't know what pressure we've been under. Some talk show host and
some Christian group have encouraged people to write into us for
giving you a platform, and now the Police have come to see us.
We've never had this before, but … well you are a little
controversial.”

“What's Paige
going to say?” Claire snapped the moment the lady had left their
vicinity. “She is going to flip.”

“I never said we
would remain clothed,” Jack replied. “Listen to what she said. We
can't go on naked, so we won't.”

Claire's
expression changed. “Cheeky,” she giggled. “OK, I like. I like a
lot.”

“Good,” Jack
muttered.

“Ahh look,
sleeping bags. Singles,” Claire pointed out as they meandered down
an aisle of stalls.

Jack muttered. “I
quite like sharing.”

“I bet you
do.”

“No, it's nice.
It's like having a cuddly hot-water bottle.” Claire burst out
laughing, and Jack grinned mischievously. “I am not giving that up
for anything.”