Sweet Sins (27 page)

             
“You’re crazy, girl. I guess I just know I can’t let go of this dream and I’ll do whatever it takes not to let you guys down, the boys and myself—whatever it takes.”

             
Ashton was true to her word and had brought home to her house a curly headed boy named Sam. She wasn’t comfortable with it, but it was Ashton’s decision. She went to bed alone, like all the other nights since Adam left. She promised herself that never again would she give her heart away and that her new mission in life was her children and Paramount.

             
The next morning, Ashton looked radiant and happy.

             
“Now that’s what I call a party.”

             
“Ashton, you have lost your mind. He was cute, but what about Charlie? You are going to get caught one of these days and it’s not going to be pretty.”

             
“Please, just go with it and don’t worry about me. You’re my best friend, just be happy for me. Since I met you, I’ve had the best times of my life, everything has changed and I’m finally going for my dream and having a ton of fun doing it. I’d rather be around you and the kids than Charlie, I have a better time. If we break up, I don’t really care.”

             
“That guy adores you in an honest good way. These other guys just want to be with you because of your looks but I don’t know if any of them could worry or care for you the way he does.”

             
“Whatever, let’s go over to Paramount and I’ll help you with your paperwork. Maybe we could catch up on our phone calls.”

             
“That sounds good to me. Sunday’s are a good day because I don’t have to worry about the boys but I think if you hang out with me another weekend, Charlie will come after both of us.”

             
“Are you still going to repaint the runway room?”

             
“Yeah, I bought some white and red. I’m going to paint one wall red for an accent and to pop the room a little bit. That office beige isn’t working for me.”

             
“I wouldn’t mind going with you and helping but, you’re right. I don’t want to tempt fate and have Charlie get any more suspicious. I guess I better head on home now.”

             
“Yes, go home, girlfriend.”

             
“OK, woman, hang in there. It’s getting better all the time.”

             
After several hours, paint splattered in her hair and jeans, she decided to take a break and go out for a cold iced tea and some food. There were eateries near the office but she didn’t want to go back to work that quickly and just started driving. She had automatically found herself driving in the direction of his Mother’s house. She hadn’t been by there in two or three months but felt compelled to go, to just drive by the place had many happy memories together.

             
As she turned onto his Mom’s street, her heart beat like the beginning of a Bond movie. Within seconds, she was so dizzy; she could barely hold her head up. There, in the driveway, was his car. Then, as if in a surreal dream, she saw him walking out of the front door towards his car. He didn’t see her and she just stared at him, blinking to be sure it was him.

             
“Adam.”

             
He turned and stared at her incredulously, “What the…what in the fricking world are you doing her? You must be a true psychic, I was kidding before about it, but this is fricking crazy. I’ve only just arrived. I haven’t even been here twenty minute and you’re here. You’re not going to kill me, are you? You don’t have a gun or anything, do you?”

             
He was trembling slightly and shaking his head. Neither of them knew what to do.

             
“I…I’ve waited for this moment for so long and now I….I don’t know what to say.”

             
“I didn’t want to hurt you, I didn’t. I know that sounds lame but I didn’t. Let’s get out of here and get some coffee. This is just unbelievable. You were the last person I thought I would be seeing today and yet…something about the way you always show up made me think there would be a slight chance.”

             
As they walked into Johnny’s Café, she realized again just how awful she looked. She had imagined this moment a thousand times but never had this scenario entered her mind. She always thought she would be dressed to the nines and doing a show somewhere and he would walk in, something like in Rick’s Café in Casablanca. She was so sure of it; it had become real to her.

             
He was wide-eyed, dressed in black, his hair longer and hanging slightly in his eyes. His skin was darkly tanned and he appeared to have scratch marks on his face and some bruising. He reached inside his shirt pocket and pulled out a cigarette pack.

             
“I’ve started smoking since I seen ya’.”

             
He put one cigarette into each of his five fingers and proceeded to light each one, taking drags off each cigarette like he was playing a musical instrument. She was stunned.

             
“No, I don’t always smoke five at a time but you know—it’s a different kind of day today. I don’t know what’s going on right now.”

             
“How are you? Are you home for good?”

             
“I don’t think I’m here to stay. I wanted to get some stuff and check in with my Mum. Did you destroy or sell my motorcycle?”

             
“I still have it and you should know me better than that. All your stuff is just as you left it, including me.”

             
His gaze looked down at the table, his shoulders slumped.

             
He put out three of his cigarettes and said,

             
“I don’t know what to say to you right now. There is such a wide divide between us, I’m sure we have both changed a lot in the last 7 months. It’s seems a lifetime to me now. I’ve been all over towns and cities, been with a hundred strange people who took me in and had a lot of unusual experiences. We’re different now. We’re not the same people we were when we met.”

             
“Yes, a lot has happened. At least I still have the agency and it’s doing well. I’m surviving with the help of some great friends and my parents helped me out financially. The kids still talk about you and miss riding on your cycle and going for walks with you.”

             
“How are the little rug rats? I missed them too and thought a lot about you guys and if you would make it, but somehow, knowing you, I was sure you would you’re a lot stronger than you think you are—stronger than me. It was pretty rough on you what I did, it was the coward’s way out and maybe that’s why I can’t look at you right now. I know what I did but I couldn’t help myself. It’s a poor excuse but that’s the truth.”

             
“Why didn’t you call me or at least say good-bye? That was unbelievably hard, crazy hard. I couldn’t understand why you didn’t just call me to talk.”

             
“I know. I couldn’t bear to hear the pain in your voice and I knew you would freak out and cry and I couldn’t handle it. I didn’t have anything good to tell you or offer you and I didn’t want to remember you crying. Everything just got screwed up. We want different things. I think we both did love each other but our lives want in different directions and it wasn’t where I wanted my life to be going. All that modeling stuff, I mean it’s cool for you but I don’t really get it. To me, it’s just a bunch of ego maniacs parading around and acting silly.”

             
“This is not anything like I thought it might be like when I saw you again.”

             
“I know you. You thought everything would suddenly have fixed itself. That’s not going to happen. I went away for a reason and that reason is still there. I better get going. I’m glad you’re all right. Hey, beside all the paint in your hair, you look cute. I’d say you were doing all right and better off without me.”

             
“No, that good never be. I could never be better off without you.”

             
“This is all a little much for me. I wasn’t expecting to see you. My brother’s coming over for dinner and we’re going to have a family sit down while they tell me how nuts I am and what are we all going to do about it.”

             
“What’s going to happen now between us?”

             
“Give me a couple of days and I’ll call you.”

             
“You said you might be leaving town again.”

             
“If I start feeling pressured from everyone, I might. I’m not anxious to get back on the road. For now, I don’t want to leave; a lot of the crazy is out of my system. If I do decide to take off, I won’t go without straightening things out with you.”

             
“It’s good to see you, no matter what the circumstance and to know you’re alive and well. I’m glad you’re back.”

             
She lightly touched him on the shoulder and left. Feeling like she was in a state of shock, she got in her car and started driving, just driving into the night.

             
What had she done, she wondered, that she should continue to suffer like this. Cement boots were attached to her hapless feet as she dragged herself back to Paramount. She hadn’t slept more than 3 or 4 hours a night since he left. It was as if she were waiting, rocking on a teeter-totter on a mountain’s edge, looking down and always expecting to fall at any moment.

             
She glanced at herself in the mirror. She was a complete mess, her clothing stained with paint, her face smudged. After all these months of waiting, this was how he saw her. Real life, not the life she always imagined, constantly had a way of interrupting her fantasies.

             
She couldn’t work now. All she could do is hope that she could drive home safely and hope to sleep. Perhaps in sleep she could find some peace. Adam was home. The flying into her arms picture she sustained her life on was now over. He didn’t fly into her arms, he didn’t ask to come home and he certainly didn’t seem happy to see her. What in the hell would she do now? Now that all the beautiful fantasies that had gotten her through these tough times were over. Tomorrow she would somehow have to build a new dream.

             
When Ashton and Chloe came into the office the next day, she was withdrawn and pale.

             
Ashton spoke to her, “Hey, what the heck happened to you? I just saw you yesterday and you were fine, or as good as could be expected—not like you look now. Your eyes look like you’ve been crying all night again and you’re a mess. I’ve never see you dressed like that.”

             
She had worn just a pull over shirt and a pair of jeans to the office. Except for before they had officially opened their doors, she never went to the agency without being decked out.

             
“I…uh…I…oh…I saw Adam.”

             
Ashton yelled, “Oh my God, what happened? When did he get back? Is he coming home? Were you freaked out?”

             
“Wait a minute, let me catch my breath. I’m just devastated. I guess the most important part is that after all these months, he’s still the same. No, maybe he’s a little worse. He said he was sorry but his eyes were cold. We went for coffee and he started smoking and not just one, he lit up 5 cigarettes and placed them between all of his fingers. The whole thing was unnerving and not what I had hoped for or ever wanted.”

             
“You’re kidding. I’m sorry. After all this time, you’ve been so devoted and hopeful and then this. Man, that’s just awful. You should have called me. I would have come over. Just divorce him and get him the hell out of your life already.”

             
“I know you’re right but I still love him, I guess I always will. He’s going to call in a few days and we’ll get together and decide what steps to take next. I’m just a wreck, all my beautiful daydreams of what it would be like when he came home, over. It’s all over.”

             
“Don’t let him mess you up anymore. You’ve got those two shows to do and set up the audition for Coke and three new classes to start. That’s a lot of stuff going on, you can’t let people see you’re falling apart. You’ve worked too hard to get this far.”

             
“Thanks, Ashton and Chloe. What would I have ever done without you? I owe you both so much. I wish I could take your advice about Adam, but I can’t imagine a day that I won’t feel like I love him. That’s it. He was the one, but I won’t let the agency suffer because of my screwed up relationship with Adam.”

             
Ashton was cleaning up after the last class left. Paramount was the only office that was open so late. Sometimes there was an eerie feeling when it was late and you could hear the noises from her office echo through the hall.