Sweet Sins (22 page)

             
“I tell you, Ashton, one day I’m going to be looking up at that silver screen and you’re going to be on it. You can make it, girl, I know you can. You’ve got everything that it takes plus the personality.”

             
“Thanks, woman, I’m glad you believe in me. Charlie doesn’t want me doing this stuff, he wants me to go back to being a court reporter but I just have to give it a shot. What about Adam? How long is a guy like that going to be content to hang in the background and just watch you shine while he hangs out at the bar by himself?”

             
“Please, don’t even say anything like that out loud. It’s my worse fear and that this will all be too much for him. Lots of people have the person they love with them and a career, why can’t I? Nothing can break us up now, we’ve worked too hard. I can’t imagine that I would do anything to be the cause of that. It would be too much to take.”

             
“Well, kid, see you Friday and probably every day after. Do you want me to start coming in on Monday?”

             
“Please! If you do, I will owe you forever. I can’t pay much right now but soon, soon. I know with you helping me, there’s nothing we can’t do.”

             
Each week that passed, the agency grew. She and Ashton worked together as a perfect team and were recruiting and signing new people all the time. They had slowly begun getting a few advertising agencies to work with them and hire some of their new people. Both Adam and Charlie said they spent more time with each other than they did with their partners. Charlie was not pleased at all with the amount of time Ashton spent with her. He didn’t understand it, especially since she didn’t get paid that well but she and Ashton understood it. They loved, no were addicted to what they were doing. They would do it for free if they had to. Adam became more unsettled but Arianna ignored the signs because she was immersed in her new found world. She was on the radio now and being asked to do local talk shows. This gave her a great venue to promote the agency. Two other assistants Cheryl and Suzanne had made everything begin to run smoothly.

             
On the other hand, Adam was wearing enough black as if he was reborn as Johnny Cash. He didn’t approach her to make love nearly as often as before and had taken to listen to Dylan exclusively.

             
She found him on the floor when she came home, dark glasses on, his head propped up by the music speakers.

             
“Sorry I’m late, darling.”

             
She went to kiss him but he was motionless.

             
“It’s like every night. What are you doing, hanging out with guys after class? It’s 11:30 and you’re just coming home and did I mention, I have to be up at 5 to go to work. Oh, and yeah, did I also mention these aren’t my kids I’m watching, they’re yours.”

             
“What can I say to you when you talk like that? It’s like venom coming out of your mouth. You said you love the kids and me and you wanted me to do this. You knew what it would be like, you agreed to it.”

             
“No, this isn’t what I signed on for; to be supportive to the life you want to live and not have any life of my own. I love you but I am not going to martyr myself for you and just exist so that you can be happy and I’m not. I do care about the boys but when I married you, it was hard enough for me to get used to having kids, but now it’s like they’re my kids instead of yours. I take care of them more than you do. We never talked about nothing like that.”

             
Weeping she spoke, “I’ll leave them with Chris then so you can go out and do what you want. I never wanted you to feel that way. I thought you loved them…”

             
It felt like death had walked into the room. She did not understand what had just happened. His brutal words had cut her, especially about her precious boys, how could anyone not want to be with them. She slept on the couch and could not bear to look at him, his words had wounded her.

             
The next day he did not arrive home and she was to be at the agency by 4:00PM. She phoned Ashton who covered for her. He did not phone her and was still not home by midnight. She had spent the evening with the boys, glad to be home with them but after they had gone to sleep, the hours dragged. The phone rang many times with questions from Ashton and Cheryl but he did not call.

             
She lay awake waiting for him to come home. Unable to sleep, she looked at their wedding pictures, tracing over his face and beautiful smile.

             
At 3:00PM, the phone rang. “Arianna, what’s going on?”

             
“Are you still in Florida?”

             
“I’m sorry Chick. I tried to keep from flipping out. I had some clothes in the car and I thought about it but I couldn’t go through with it.”

             
“Why, Adam, why does every action have to be so drastic?  I know you’ve been unhappy, but this?”

             
“I’m sorry. I’ll be home in ten minutes. I’m just around the corner; I just wanted to check to see if I was still welcome.”

             
“You’re my love, Adam, forever. Please hurry.”

             
“I love you.”

             
He hurt her but she didn’t care right now, all she wanted to see were those blue eyes staring at her. She didn’t care about anything else but that he would be back in their bed, holding her.

             
She ran into his arms, tears rolling down her face, shaking as he held her.

             
“Adam, please don’t leave me, please. I’ll do anything for you. I can’t live without you in my life.”

             
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me girl, I love you, but I’m just screwed up inside and can’t seem to tolerate this stress and not seeing you and not living the life we used to have. You’re an angel. It’s not you; I don’t blame you for trying to make your dreams come true. I wish I had tried to open my custom bike shop. You went after your dreams, I didn’t. Maybe that’s all part of it to, watching you going for something and it’s like I don’t belong in your dream. I need to have one of my own.”

             
“We’ll work it out. I promise. As soon as the agency gets some money, we’ll use it for your business. I want your happiness more than mine. I don’t want the agency if it means we’re going to fall apart.”

             
“No, don’t say that just because of me. My troubles are not yours. Keep doing what you’re doing, girl, no matter what happens.”

             
She held him like a viper, wanting not to yield his touch, afraid once more. He was an eagle, wild and free, his feet temporarily planted with hers but now she didn’t feel he belonged to her anymore.

                                                                    
Chapter XXI

             
                                                       
The Unthinkable

              Three more months went by and life was flourishing with activity in the agency. She was frequently asked to assist in judging local beauty and talent events at the hottest night spots. The agency was getting shout outs on the air from the radio personalities that had signed with the agency. People hearing these endorsements from their favorite DJ gave her street cred and the phones started ringing with new business.

             
Adam was attending most of the functions and had even taken to dressing more stylish, at one event even wearing a men’s French beret and tailored shirt. It seemed as if they were on a magic carpet ride and that nothing could go wrong and only all good things were ahead of them.

             
“Adam, what about going to Mark Twain’s like the old days? We haven’t been there in months, it might be fun.”

             
“Yeah, sure, whatever you want.”

             
Preparing beef bourguignon, his favorite, she tried as she could to do things for him knowing how much he was sacrificing for her. She thought maybe they could get him a new dirt bike or if he spent more time competing at the raceway that he would be happier. Somehow she had to do more to make his desires manifest themself.

             
She rocked in his arms to the music, watching the lights around them. “Darling, I love you, thank you for all you have done for me. What do you need, I’ll do anything.”

             
“Let’s not talk about it tonight, just hold me, kid.”

             
He was happier than he had been for a long time. The light in his eyes was for her again. In the morning, she rolled over to him, snuggling tightly against his exquisite hard body.

             
“Do you want me to fix you breakfast?”

             
“No, just…nothing.”

             
“What is it?”

             
“Everything stays the same. It will never change. You’ll just go on working at the agency day and night. I’ll be alone or helping you. My life keeps disappearing and your life keeps growing. It can’t be like this for me.”

             
“I thought you were happy last night. I’ll do anything you ask to try and give you want you want.”

             
“You don’t know me anymore. You don’t know anything.”

             
“What happened last night? Everything was good.”

             
“No, it wasn’t. I was just playing along, like I have been for months, trying to figure out what to do.”

             
He zipped his leather jacket up, turning he left without even saying good-bye. She stood there watching him, frozen in fear and anxiety. Brent tugged on her to pick him up and she finally snapped her state of mind and joyfully picked her baby up.

             
“My little lifesaver, come and give Mama a big hug.”

             
“Love you, Mama,” Brent said as he laid his head against her.

             
She set about making breakfast for her boys. She would be leaving soon for the office. It was turning into an all-consuming task to run the agency and school. She was doing steady work but not enough to hire adequate staffing to allow her to spend less time there, besides when she wasn’t there, things didn’t always go as planned. There was a little too much playing and prancing in front of mirrors. She knew that from the few times she had walked in unannounced. She had started taking the children with her sometimes for she missed them so much and they hated day care. Being at the office wasn’t that great either, they would have to be resigned to using one room to play in and have to be relatively quiet because she was on the phone so much with clients and holding interviews.

             
Before she left today, she thought she might take a quick visit to Adam’s work with the boys and bring him a hot lunch. She could delay till then. Something was so wrong that he should act that way and she had to at least try and speak with him about it.

             
She phoned him at work, “Adam, he’s not here. He never showed up for work or even called.”

             
Lighting struck into her heart as she dropped the phone and screamed. It was a scream so loud and mournful, it brought her neighbor to her door and the children instantly started crying and clinging to her. She told her neighbor; she had dropped a heavy pot on her foot and then proceeded to tell the children the same thing.

             
She held the boys, shaking and trying to stop crying. She knew this was it. He wasn’t coming back. Her wild butterfly had finally set out on the task of freedom. He would never dismiss work unless it was serious. She hoped she was wrong, but everything in her told her she wasn’t.

             
She put a video on for the boys and made them a special ice-cream treat, knowing this would allow her sometime to gather herself. She phoned Ashton and without saying what was wrong, told her she would probably not be in but she would contact her during the day.

             
She closed the bedroom door; she held onto his pillow and let the scent and feel of his warm body drift into her. Sleep, she wished she would sleep and sleep and sleep. She wanted to wish it away. Bombs were going off inside her, and she felt like she couldn’t even lift her limbs. What would she do now? How could she carry on without him? Not just emotionally but financially, his income covered their household bills and hers covered the business. How could she carry this burden, how?

             
She did not know how to contain her fear. She waited through the night for a call from him but it did not come. She went to the agency, covering her puffy eyes and taking shots of rum during the day to calm herself from passing out. As yet she did not tell anyone he had left, waiting for the thread of hope that he might return. She did not want to tarnish him to others if it could be helped.

             
After he had been gone for three days, Mrs. Ryder phoned to speak with her son, she knew there was no way out but to tell her he was gone.

             
“What do you mean Adam just left without any word—never, never would my Adam do that. What did you do to him? Couldn’t you have the decency to take care of your husband first before yourself?”

             
“I tried the best I could to make him happy. I just bought him a new dirt bike two weeks ago. Instead of putting the small profit I made last month at the agency back into the business, I bought that bike. I’ve tried everything. He agreed with me going into business, he knew it would be difficult but I guess it was too much. I don’t know all the reasons, he didn’t talk to me. He just left. You know I love him and would never try to hurt him.”

             
“You’re not telling me something. He hasn’t even called me. He could be injured on the side of the road somewhere.”

             
“I’m sure he will call you, he won’t call me. He’s probably worried about how upset you will be. I didn’t do this.”

             
“If you didn’t, who did? Are you trying to tell me my son is crazy and he would just walk out of his life for no reason?”

             
“Please, Mrs. Ryder, I can’t do this. I’m sorry. I’m devastated and trying to hold onto my boys, my house, my business and my mind. I have to go.”

             
In a flash, she had become a stone cold Mrs. Ryder, not Mum, not her dear friend. She could hear the anger loudly from her. Now she would be without support from any avenue when she needed it the most.

             
He had been gone two weeks and she had already lost five pounds. She felt unable to eat or sleep. At a slight 110 lbs., dropping to 105 was noticed already. The dark circles under her eyes were getting harder to cover. She was frantically trying to enroll new students as she had lost Adam’s income and now she was responsible for two sets of bills and had also lost his help in watching the children. Before she could remain at the office, she would first have to leave and get the children and return again. Now she had wished she had chosen to open the agency within a few miles of her home. Instead of being the blessing she had hoped for, being closer to his Mom, it was now the curse.

             
She was ashamed to tell people that he had left her. He left her in a terrible position and she had to live with the knowledge that he had been able to do this to her. He had to have known how much she would suffer and that she might lose her business without his support and still he left without even a good-bye. He knew she would go insane not understanding how he could have been this cruel to her and the boys. Yet, she tried to understand his side and still loved him despite everything. He had taken the car and the motorcycle was still in the garage. Many times a time she went in and ran her hand over the leather, seeing his presence and dreaming of days gone by.

             
When she finally told Ashton, she packed a bag and came to stay with her for a few days. She was her lifeboat; she was so good to her. Somehow she had to repay her for her kindness.

             
After pouring them both a couple of Rum and Cokes, doubles, she began to speak,

             
“Woman, what are you going to do now? I mean, I knew he was out to lunch, but this? I know you don’t want to hear this but instead of leaving, he should have been so proud and supportive of you. It’s not everyone that could start a business, yet alone a tough business like modeling. I think it takes a lot of guts what you did. I wish some of the guys I’ve met were as tough and resilient as you, I’d marry them. I love you, woman, you’re my best friend and we’re going to make this thing work together. I know Charlie won’t like it very much, but you’ve got to have someone help you now.”

             
She was an angel, her words comforting her and somehow allowing her to draw strength from her friendship. They both felt the same way; they would like to break into this industry, even at its outskirts somehow. This was their time, Ashton, only 20, and Arianna now 24. They still had the time and energy to try and shatter some barriers and grab some success.

             
Ashton sat with her on the floor and hugged her, like the sister she wished she had.

             
“Ashton, somehow I have to repay you. Your loyalty and kindness are second to none. I believe I can make it with your help. There’s no going back now, even if Adam has left. I can’t lose my business too.”

             
Her parents wanted to fly down after they heard, but she couldn’t face them, especially after all their warnings and predictions seeming to come true now. She was humiliated, a leper, all her newfound confidence and happiness gone.

             
Mrs. Ryder phoned to tell her she had heard from Adam and that he was in Texas. He didn’t give her any specifics on why he had left but his brother was coming to get his clothes and pick up his tools from his place of work. His brother had phoned her and didn’t stop screaming at her, blaming her completely for why his brother had disappeared. He told her that she kept her crazy side hidden well and that she must have been a monster behind closed doors; otherwise his perfect brother would never have left. Those words, like biting knives distressed her so much that she terminated contact with them. Even though Mrs. Ryder might be able to shed some light on Adam, it wasn’t worth listening to her cruel words.

             
She began writing a diary to Adam, the only safe place to speak of her most private thoughts.

             
Adam, why would you put me through this horror? Even with you here, it would have taken a great effort just to make the agency work but now I’m faced with raising a family alone also. How could you have hated me so much, what did I do that was so egregious that you could have left this way? Your family is tearing me apart and being as cruel as they can be. They blame me for everything. Is that true? Am I the one to blame for everything? Should I have never begun the business or was it just us after all? Please let a miracle happy and come home to me. I can’t go on without
you
.
Why don’t you contact me? I’m here waiting for you, still.

             
His brother, Denny arrived to pick up some of Adam’s clothing.

             
“Do you have his stuff ready?”

             
“It’s in the garage.”

             
“You certainly played us all for a fool—always seeming to be so nice to Adam in front of us. You must have really been something else when the poor guy got home. You know, this is killing my Mum and it’s all your fault.”

             
A rage from hell welled in her.

             
“Don’t you ever say that. I’m not a phony. If you think I treated him good in front of you, I spoiled him like a baby at home. I catered to him like he was a pharaoh, running drinks and food to him at break times and for lunch. There wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do for him but then when I started running the agency things changed and I couldn’t be there for him like before.”

             
“I knew it was your damn silly idea of a modeling agency that had something to do with it. A guy like my brother mixed up in all that girly nonsense. I’m sure he hated it but you didn’t care, you were too selfish for that.”

             
“Don’t say those things or treat me like that. None of what you’re saying is the truth. How would you like Adam to treat your wife like you’re treating me right now?”

             
“Please, don’t ever compare yourself to my wife. You’re nowhere near her league. You were never good enough to be his wife.”

             
She felt dizzy and thought she would faint from his callous words. She tried to justify his remarks to his worry and fear for his brother’s safety but still had never before been spoken to with such hatred.