Sweet Sins (11 page)

“This is hurting me too much to listen to what you are saying. You’re a stranger to me right now. My Adam would never say those things. This is so confusing
. I’ll go now. I hope we can talk tomorrow.”

“I know I’m messed up right now. I don’t know what I’m saying or thinking. I just don’t know, everyone is pulling me apart. You’re right. Come back tomorrow and we’ll talk.”

For the first time since they had met, he did not escort her to her vehicle. He lay in bed, his eyes transfixed upon the ceiling. His feeble, “See ya” was saturated with sarcasm.

Chapter XI

Desperation

Tonight there would be no peace for her. Driving home across the Bay, there were no lucid thoughts of paradise. Tonight was everything and nothing that she wanted. How could so festive an evening have met its climax like thunder erupting in the sky?

Confusion jogged through her life as a wind tunnel. By the time she was safely under the covers in bed, her
arms and legs were weighted in sadness. If someone had screamed
Fire,
she would have just nestled closer to her down quilt and hid.

She woke with nightmare
s, crying. The nightmares of him rejecting her were so real and harsh that she brought the boys to bed with her. Having them hug her and watching their beautiful faces brought her the calming effect she needed to sleep.

The day passed as a jail sentence. Trying over and over again to call him, she found he did not answer. Maybe when she saw him tonight, things would work themselves
out; he had agreed to talk to her. Why had he been reassuring her that he no longer had any feelings for Patty Jo. She had naively assumed the situation between them was finally over.

Throwing jeans and a t-shirt on, no
t caring what she looked like, she prepared to see him. Arriving in St. Pete., she knocked several times but he did not come to the door. She went back down to see if any of his vehicles were gone and discovered his motorcycle was not there. He always left a key for her on the top of the door ledge and she proceeded to go inside his place.

She walked in
like a night crawler, feeling she was invading his space but hopeful he had left a note for her to explain his absence.

Carelessly thrown in a laundry basket and left by the door, were the many gifts she had given him. On top of the basket, there was a wrinkled piece of paper where had had formed these words, “Things just aren’t the same between us anymore. Bye, Adam.”

“NO, Adam, NO!” She yelled loudly enough for the neighbors to hear. She didn’t know what to grab first, a cigarette, a tissue or a drink, but knew she needed all three. Like a caged lion, she prowled back and forth, back and forth inside the room.

She could not lose control or she would go out of her mind. She would stay here until he came home. Somehow, some way, she would convince him to stay with her. He was wrong, dead wrong. Things were perfect between them. She di
dn’t know any couple who were so in love as they were, and the entire world could see it. She had spoken to tens of people and none of her friend’s relationships were anywhere near as sweet and loving as was theirs. She knew he was torn up about his commitments and promises but she would not let the love of her life go that easily, not without a fight.

She sa
t in the dark, motionless. Her Rum and Coke had numbed her somewhat and she sat watching the gulf waters ripple. Lovers were walking hand and hand on the beach. With each step they imprinted in the sand, she felt a squeeze at her heart.

Sh
e waited until 1:00AM, but he did not come. She left, touching the things he gave her that were piled in the basket. The note appeared as a banner to her. The words became bigger and bigger in her mind. Was it only 24 hours ago that he had talked about their future together, that they were riding in a limo to heaven?

She lay listlessly, hoping the phone would ring. He must be out there somewhere thinking of her, he must. Maybe by now he had regretted what he said in his note. No, if he were, he would call her. Adam knew she was putty in his hands. What would it be like to be the one in control? Why did he have her heart lassoed and could pull her around anyway he liked? If she were playing hops
cotch, all the sidewalks in all the world would have his name scrawled in fuchsia pink chalk. Everywhere that she would hop down, the name of Adam would be. She knew she would never be free of him. Wherever her steps would take her in life, he would be there.

In the morning, she called him
, still no answer. She decided to return to his condo. Inside, there were still no signs that he had returned. Had he spent the night with Patty Jo? That seemed the most likely answer. She had been there several hours and still he had not returned. She would get some carry out food and return. She decided she would not stay too much longer. He was wearing her out.

When she returned to his condo, she was deflated and had thought she would write him a note and leave. She no longer had the stamina or will to wait for him.

She dragged herself up the concrete steps. Reaching the top, she abruptly stopped. Adam was sitting on the ledge; blood swirled through his clothing from several gashes on his arms. His face was grisly black with darts of red blood. His jeans ripped and pecked with holes on his right leg.

“Hey,” he said. “You kinda’ took my key. I’ve been sitting here hoping you would return.”

“Sorry, sorry. I didn’t realize I had not put it back.”

He walked inside and she stopped short of going in and asked if it were ok to enter.

“Sure, if you feel like it. I wouldn’t think you’d want to be here.”

She ignored that statement and asked, “What happened to you?”

“I was out with the dirt bike and took a few spills. That’s good, you gotta’ feel some pain to know that you’re alive.”

“Can I get you some ice for your arm, it looks swollen?”

“Yeah, I guess. Thanks.”

She cleansed his arm and wrapped a towel with ice around it. “Do you want me to help you clean your
cuts; it looks like you have quite a few?”

“Nah, I like it like this.”

He moved to lie on the floor and played Dylan’s songs of isolation and pain.

“Adam, do you feel like talking?”

“Just like I said, girl, it don’t feel right to me anymore, I mean us being together.”

“Why have you decided this, what made you change your mind after talking to me about starting a family and a business?”

“What came before doesn’t matter to me anymore. It’s right now, that’s all that counts. All you women, you all want something from me that I can’t be. I can’t please all of you so I’m just not going to try anymore.”

“I thought you said I was the one who understood and supported
you, that you needed me.”

“For one thing, I’m an isolationist. You like people and stuff and me, I prefer to be mostly be myself or with one other person. I just can’t do it, live your kind of life.”

“But why did you say all those things to me?”

“Because I do love you girl, I wanted it to work, I did. But I can’t change and you shouldn’t have to change to make something right.”

“I am going to the lawyer. That will freak everyone out. I’m getting a divorce but not because I want a commitment with you. I just want to be free now, free of everything. If everyone hates me, then so be it. I have to do this my way.”

“She doesn’t love you like
I do; do you think she would be dating another man if she did? I would have never left you, never, if I were married to you. I don’t want to change you or hurt you; I just want to love you.”

“I ain’t gonna’ change my mind. I just need time to think and set things straight inside my head.”

She went over and tried to touch him but he made no response. “I’m going. Please call me if you just feel like talking, about anything. I promise I won’t cry or get hysterical. I love you, always.”

Maybe she had experienced
sadder days than this, but it didn’t seem so at this moment. Nothing had ever squeezed the life out of her as much as his rejection of her right now. Was there a rainbow she could grope for now to help her survive? She was at a loss at do what to do.

At home, she hugged her children tightly, always her greatest comfort. They would always be together, the three musketeers, no matter what happened with her love life. She was thankful for the blessing of her boys.

He did not call her and she did not wait patiently. She was in a state of joylessness that she had never known before.

When she called him and he did not answer, she dared to do something she hadn’t before. She phoned him at his place of work. She knew this was a taboo but she could no longer help herself.

“Adam, I’m sorry for calling you at work, but I had to hear your voice and know what you were doing and thinking. Please can I come over and talk to you sometime?”

“I don’t know. I need time.
My head is busting open with questions. I don’t have the answers yet and seeing you will just confuse me.”

“Can I just come to see you on your lunch hour? There can’t be anything more harmless than that. It’s just an hour and you have to eat anyway. Maybe I could bring lunch over?”

There was a long silence and then, “I guess that would be all right, but it will take you an hour to get here. Are you sure you’re OK with that?”

“Yes, that’s fine. I would drive a lot further than that to see you.”

Feeling elated and relieved, she hurriedly got a sitter and prepared lunch for them. She felt as if she had received a temporary reprieve from the gallows. She did not know how she would ever be able to live without him.

After hunting to find his shop, she mercifully saw his bike and knew she had found the right place. Just seeing his bike and knowing he was just steps away made her
deviously happy.

When he walked out the door to greet her, he was smiling.

“Hey, chick, what’s going on, you crazy girl. Only you would come all the way down here just for lunch.”

“I brought all the stuff I know you like, homemade chicken salad, kosher pickles, deviled eggs and…”

He interrupted, “You didn’t have to do all that but thanks; it’s just good to see you.”

She reveled in the way he was looking at her, his eyes looking at her with love again.

He pulled her over to him on the blanket they had laid out to eat on and said, “So you couldn’t live without me huh?”

He reached over and began stroking her back and kissed her neck.

“You already know the answer to that. You know I can’t live without you; that’s for certain.”

“Thanks for coming. I’m glad you did. At first I didn’t know how I felt about you coming here but then I thought about how much I missed your smile. Then I started watching the clock and realized I couldn’t wait until you got here. I wanted to touch that nice bod of yours.”

“That’s so lovely to hear, it’s wonderful. I was a wreck wondering how you would greet me.”

“I’ve gotta’ get going now but I’ll see you later, right?”

She wasn’t sure she had heard him correctly.

“You want me to come over?”

“Yeah, same time, same place. You know it well and don’t be late. I’ve missed ya’ girl.”

He grabbed her up against the wall and kissed her feverishly. Hoots and howls from his guy co-workers let them know everyone was watching.

“I don’t care. They wish they could kiss a girl like you.”

“Adam, my love, I will see you in a few hours.”

This roller coaster ride they were on was stretching the limits of her emotional well-being but her beloved Adam had come back to her for the moment at least. The rest of the day she spent in a splendid torment. She wondered if she went to his condo and he wasn’t there how she would be able to endure it.

This time as she drove
over the bridge, she was not singing and was filled with trepidation. When she arrived, she saw his bike sitting there and almost started crying with joy.

“Arianna, my love, I’m so happy you’re here. Come here and let me hold you.”

“You don’t know how wonderful I feel right now. I was scared to death that you wouldn’t be here and that you would change your mind. Please talk to me and tell me what you have been thinking about. What is making you act in this radical way?”

“I guess the pressure of trying to decide
what the right thing to do is getting to me. Trying to separate all the emotions everyone is feeling is difficult. I never went to my appointment with the lawyer. Now, don’t get upset. I guess I’m just not ready yet. I can’t figure out a way to save my marriage or even if I want to but I also can’t figure out how to end it. It is messing me up. I guess I wanted to believe that things weren’t right between us because that would let me get back with Patty Jo. I could justify leaving you and tell myself I’m married and I don’t have the right to be with you anyway. Please don’t start crying, I can’t take that, just listen to me.”