Stuff White People Like (23 page)

But not all white people wear the scarves for temperature reasons. A well-made scarf can be an essential part of a white person’s ensemble, allowing for the all-important differentiation from other white people wearing the exact same clothes, and thus enabling one to be picked out of a crowd for dating or mocking purposes.

“I like the guy with the glasses in the white American Apparel shirt.”

“Which one? There are eight.”

“The guy with the kaffiyeh.”

“Oh yeah, you’re right. He does look smarter and more political than the other guys. He’s clearly more sensitive to wind, so he’s probably more sensitive in general. You should totally date him.”

In addition to making up a key part of the white person’s wardrobe, scarves also function as a vital pillar of the white gift economy. Knitted scarves can be created with relative ease, so many white people (especially women) like to knit them for friends and lovers. For this reason alone, if you find yourself needing a new scarf but not a long-term relationship, dating a white woman might be the easiest and most cost-effective solution.

102 Cleanses

In many cultures when someone does not eat any food for days and survives only on a mixture of water, cayenne pepper, and maple syrup they are said to be in the midst of a “famine.” But when a white person does it, they are in the midst of a “cleanse.”

When white people are unable to blame their parents for their problems, they blame food additives. In fact, whenever a white person is feeling tired or depressed it is almost always linked to some sort of preservative in the food they eat. When this happens to a white person who only eats organic food, then the water or air supply can be easily substituted.

The only solution is to undergo a cleanse, whereby a white person will spend more than ten days consuming only a liquid mixture of water, lemon juice, cayenne pepper, and maple syrup. During this process they will tell you how much more energy they have and how great they feel. They are also likely to mention how their common ailments (pimples, back pain, insomnia) have all magically disappeared.

White people generally believe that these cleanses are a lot like doing a clean reinstall of the operating system on your computer: you get rid of the things you don’t want and you have a brand-new chance to start over and use only open-source or web-based software. In both cases you eventually slip back into bad habits and are likely to lose a few things you actually needed along the way.

Unfortunately the more “open” white people are likely to tell you exactly what has come out of them during the cleansing process: “Black liquid, like concentrated evil!” or “It looked like pantyhose filled with sausage.” They will also tell you how their body is breaking down and passing all the toxins of the past six months or year.

If you are roped into one of these conversations, it’s important you understand that white people are just looking to be told that they are being very healthy, or at least healthier than you. As such, the best response is to say, “Wow, I wish I had the willpower. I’m probably going to die at forty-five.” This will reaffirm that they are healthier than you and are more likely to live forever.

103 Self-Deprecating Humor

Every white person you meet thinks they are smarter than everyone they know. Because of this, there is nothing they hate more than someone who outwardly tries to prove that fact. Instead, they much prefer when people make jokes about themselves in an attempt to appear outwardly inferior. Within white culture, the ability to laugh at yourself is considered on par with your ability to recommend restaurants. In other words, it’s very important.

As with so many other things on this list, it’s another situation where white people are able to score a double victory. Often, by putting themselves down they are also secretly insulting the person they are speaking to. For example, when white people attempt to put themselves down by making a joke around working too hard and not having a social life, they are saying that anyone who does have a social life is probably working less than them. If a white person is a self-proclaimed “nerd,” all jokes around the topic are essentially their opportunity to say that they are smarter than you.

On the issue of money, if white people make jokes about not having any money, they are secretly criticizing those with money for not trying to be an artist or working for a nonprofit organization.

Within modern white society, this type of humor is considered essential for any sort of romantic success. When a white male says, “I’m so bad with girls, I think the Unabomber gets more girls than me. Do you remember that guy? I’ll bet he at least gets letters in jail.” If the woman he is talking to is even slightly interested, she will be drawn to him. White women prize the idea of a man who is confident enough to make jokes at his own expense. If she is not attracted to him, he can still win because she will want to set him up with other women who like men who make fun of themselves. He cannot lose.

Before you dive headfirst into the world of self-deprecating humor, it’s important that you only make fun of things about you that don’t really bother you. Making self-deprecating jokes about your family’s history of lung cancer or your battle against painkiller addiction should only be done around expert-level white people. If done around regular-level white people, you will likely be considered a “weird downer.”

On the whole, a good understanding of how to best put yourself down is essential to success in modern white situations.

104 Integrity

White people value nothing more in their musicians, artists, writers, directors, photographers, and publications than integrity. Many dictionaries define integrity as “a firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values,” but for white people, it can be more simply defined as “not selling out.”

“Selling out” is when an artist succeeds to the point where they are paid for their work and are exposed to a larger audience. This creates two big problems for a white person, the most immediate of which is the fact that this artist will now be enjoyed by a diverse group of people, including the wrong kind of white people. There is literally nothing more hated by white people.

Second, it serves as a reminder to the white person that he or she is not an artist. When white people like an artist who is not successful, they can enjoy the work knowing that they have more money and stability. They have made the more mature decision. When one of these artists succeeds and finds more money, it is a painful reminder of the sacrifice they made when they were younger. So when one of these artists succeeds, the only recourse that a white person has is to say “They sold out.”

When a white person says this around you, it is important that you do not say, “I wish we all had the integrity to be an associate copywriter. It takes guts.” Instead, it’s recommended that you either relate a story about an artist you used to like, or move the conversation toward a discussion about what you would do if you were offered the opportunity to sell out. If you are eager to impress this white person, say that you would take the money, then allow the white person to tell you how they would never put a dollar sign on their art. This will provide them much-needed comfort as they begin the long process of finding a new obscure artist to temporarily enjoy.

105 Pretending to Be a Canadian When Traveling Abroad

There are bits of advice that are universally distributed by white people: “Eat organic,” “Follow your dreams,” “Buy property.” But perhaps the one tip that all white people will pass on at some point is “Sew a Canadian flag on your backpack.”

The years following World War II have not been kind to the reputation of Americans. Often they are seen as boorish, loud, obnoxious, and uncultured. As such, they are seen as unworthy of proper service and access to the “most authentic” parts of a country.

At some point in the past twenty years, some American white people abroad likely saw a local yelling at another white person. After a few minutes the person pointed to their “Roots” shirt and the flag on their backpack and said, “But I’m Canadian,” whereupon the local’s frown was turned upside-down. The Canadian was then granted access to some sort of secret restaurant where they were served food that was so fresh, so local, and so authentic that it would be impossible to re-create anywhere else on Earth. This gave the Americans an idea. They sewed Canadian flags on their backpacks and watched the world open up to them.

The solution was perfect, since pretending to be Canadian required only a slight accent tweak (if any) and passing knowledge of a Canadian city. The latter was, and still is, far more difficult. Since that fateful time, anytime an American white person goes abroad they are likely to have a friend or relative tell them, “Pretend you’re Canadian.”

It also provides you with the best opportunity to earn the friendship of a white person. As soon as you find out that they are taking an extended vacation through Europe, Asia, or South America, go online and purchase a Canadian flag patch. Give this patch to the white person and you are sure to be included on mass e-mails and will likely receive some sort of trinket when they return.

Note: Canadian white people are given Canadian flag patches when they apply for their passports.

106 The Criterion Collection

When a white person asks about your favorite film, you are really being asked whether or not you have taste. The second you open your mouth and mention a title, they will immediately pass judgment on you.