Stuff White People Like (22 page)

By the time white people have entered their late thirties, they have often acquired enough capital to afford a larger property in an acceptable neighborhood (suburbs are acceptable, but frowned upon), tuition for a private school, and the series of accessories and specialists needed to ensure that the formative years of their white child will ensure future success and acceptance into an excellent university.

It is also universally recognized within white culture that the late thirties represents the time when personal journeys of self-discovery and therapy have reached a point where a white person is in the right frame of mind to raise a child.

If you encounter a white person who is trying to produce a child in their late thirties and is having some difficulty, it is very important that you never ever mention that it might be due to their trying to have children so late in life. Some better suggestions include “Did you smoke when you were younger?” or “How long have you been eating organic-only food?”

However, there are some exceptions to this rule. In recent years, a number of white women have become obsessed with the idea of being “hot moms” and are having children in their late twenties so that they can check it off the life list of accomplishments and return to their journey of personal discovery.

97 Red Hair

White people with red hair are one of the rarest types of white people that you can encounter. Their hair color was created by a northern European mutation that will likely be extinct in the next hundred years. Enjoy them while you can!

The role that red hair plays in white culture is not necessarily essential to understanding white people, but it is helpful. Aside from the obvious fact that white people have red hair, it occupies an interesting place of envy, mockery, and heritage.

White people associate red hair with Irish roots, and allows redheads to constantly remind others that they have an “ethnic” heritage.

For white women red hair is seen as being highly desirable, with 1980s Molly Ringwald and Julianne Moore being the most popular redheaded heroines. Virtually every white woman you encounter will be able to tell you a story about how they have dyed or plan to dye their hair red at some time. This is because red hair is seen as both natural and not mainstream, two things that are highly coveted by all white people.

There are few positives for white men with red hair. They actually spend the majority of their lives dealing with the drawbacks of having red hair. These challenges emerge first during childhood, when it is common practice for white people to tease redheaded children (especially those with freckles). It is for this reason that all white people love any joke with the punchline “like a redheaded stepchild.”

For example, when talking to a white person about an upcoming sporting event, try saying, “We are going to beat that other team like a redheaded stepchild.” You will likely receive either a laugh or a knowing nod that you share their sense of humor.

In a situation where you need to befriend a white person, though it might be a bit presumptuous, it is considered acceptable form to greet a redheaded person by saying, “I had a rough childhood, too.” At first the redhead will be taken aback, but soon they will tell you all about how they were taunted mercilessly in middle school as people demanded to know and/or made up songs about the color of their pubic hair.

98 Noam Chomsky

If it were possible to dole out white sainthood, Noam Chomsky would certainly be one of the first people to receive the honor, along with Michael Stipe and Conan O’Brien.

Though Chomsky has long been a hero to white people for his work in linguistics, he entered into the rarefied air of white history with the publication of
Manufacturing Consent: The Political Economy of the Mass Media
(1988), co-written with Edward Herman. It is universally recognized in white culture as one of the key sources of all knowledge about the media and the power structure of the United States.

It is strongly recommended that you read this book, but remember, you do not need to read the entire book in order to impress white people. For maximum results with minimum effort, it is advised that you closely read one chapter and then quote directly from it whenever you are given the chance.

When you feel as though you are very comfortable with that chapter, you can move on to the advanced activity of telling a white person that they have “a rather basic understanding of Chomsky.” They will likely fight back, trying to save face by refuting your claim, but stand your ground. So long as you appear unshakable in your stance that they are wrong, they will back down. This is because deep down, white people are petrified that their understanding of cultural theorists is flawed.

Note: This method of reading a single chapter and posing as an expert will work with any theorist, the more obscure the better.

99 Non-Motorized Boating

White people often find their greatest moments of happiness near or in bodies of water. Rather than simply splash around and enjoy the day, they often seek out as many activities as possible that can enhance their water experience. Though swimming is an old favorite, few white people are willing to take vacations just for the opportunity to swim. No, when white people need to really enjoy the water, they get in a boat.

For white people, boating is like being able to camp on the water: you get to spend a lot of time either alone or with a few close friends, you have very little food, you might need to be rescued, and there is a reasonable chance that you might die at the hands of Nature.

The type of boat enjoyed by a white person can vary greatly by location and attitude. For example, white people who live near an ocean traditionally enjoy sailing, those near rivers prefer kayaking and rafting, and those near lakes generally enjoy rowboats and canoes. However, these are only preferences, and it is possible for any white person in any given location to enjoy one or all of these activities. Boats with motors are considered to be too popular with the wrong kind of white people and as such are not considered to be of any real value.

When you find out which type of boating a white person enjoys, your first instinct will be to search for some way to bring it up in conversation so that they will begin to trust you. But be absolutely careful: if you ask too many questions about boating, you are likely to be asked to join them “on the water sometime.” This is your one-way ticket to being trapped with them for hours with no escape and an expectation that you will row/paddle/help with the sails.

100 The Boston Red Sox

Though many would argue that the Chicago Cubs (see #30, Wrigley Field) are the top club for white people, the Boston Red Sox remain the undisputed white franchise. In fact, were it not for the players, there would be no recorded instances of a person of color wearing a Boston Red Sox jersey.

White people love the Red Sox for a number of very important reasons, one of which is the fact that they play in Fenway Park, one of baseball’s oldest and most iconic stadiums. This is viewed as the professional-sports equivalent of living in a Victorian house or a converted loft, both of which are highly desirable in the white community.

Though they are officially named the Boston Red Sox, the team is beloved by all of New England, including the popular white-people states of Maine, Vermont, and New Hampshire. This gives them more white coverage than any other franchise in baseball, beating out the Seattle Mariners.

Sadly, in 2004 the Boston Red Sox won the World Series and in the process lost something more highly prized by white people than success: character. Prior to that date the franchise was afflicted with the “Curse of the Bambino,” brought on when a cheap owner sold Babe Ruth to the Yankees in 1920. The loss was a great one for white people, who for almost a century would tell it to anyone who would listen.

When dealing with a Red Sox fan, it is not hard to start a pleasant conversation. Just mention the team and they will likely tell you stories about how much they love the Red Sox and how the team used to break their heart every year. In fact the only ways you can upset a Red Sox fan are by mentioning that you like the Yankees or that they were the last Major League franchise to integrate. But mentioning you like the Yankees is still worse.

101 Scarves

White people’s body temperatures do not operate on logical or consistent principles, and because of this white people are often forced to wear clothing combinations that may seem strange or illogical. One popular example is the performance vest, which solves the age-old problem of cold chest/hot arms. Another common combination is shorts and a sweatshirt, which helps bring about comfort when your upper body is chilly but your lower half is sweltering. But without a doubt, the one piece of clothing that helps to regulate white body temperature in all situations is the scarf.

During winter months, it’s no surprise to find white people all bundled up with scarves around their necks—it just makes sense. But even as the weather warms up and the other layers start to fall off, the scarf remains.

It is not uncommon to see a white person in jeans, a sweater, and a scarf. In fact, it’s not a rare occurrence to see a white person in a T-shirt, jeans, and a scarf. That’s right: a thin cotton T-shirt paired with a scarf to enable maximum temperature control in bars and places with air-conditioning.