Stuff White People Like (19 page)

87 Outdoor Performance Clothes

As white people get older, they like to have clear boundaries between their professional and personal lives. They don’t mind talking about their personal life at work, but they hate talking about their work life when they are enjoying a weekend or vacation. But with BlackBerrys and laptops, white people could be working anywhere, at any time. So how do you know when they are off the clock? It’s easy: just check their clothes.

When white people aren’t working, they generally like to wear outdoor performance clothes. The top suppliers of these garments and accessories include North Face, REI, Mountain Equipment Co-Op, Columbia Sportswear, and Patagonia. When you see white people wearing these brands, it is important that you do not discuss business matters. Instead you should say things like “Where did you get that fleece?” and “What’s that thing holding your keys to your shorts?” White people will be more than happy to talk to you about their sustainably produced possessions.

The main reason white people like these clothes is that they allow them to believe that at any moment they could find themselves with a Thule rack on top of their car headed to a national park. It could be 4:00 P.M. on a Saturday when they might get the call: “Hey, man, you know what we need to do? Kayak then camping, right now. I’m on my way to get you. There is no time to change clothes.”

Though it is unlikely that they will ever receive this call, white people hate the idea of missing an opportunity to enjoy outdoor activities just because they weren’t wearing the right clothes.

If you plan on spending part of your weekend with a white person, it is strongly recommended that you purchase a jacket or some sort of “high-performance” T-shirt, which is like a regular shirt, just a lot more expensive.

88 Having Gay Friends

If white people could draft friends the way that the NFL drafts prospects it would go like this: black friends, gay friends, and then all other minorities would be drafted based on need and rarity in the region.

When choosing gay friends, white people like to base their decision on their own needs and requirements. Younger white people tend to prefer young, social gay people. This is their all-important ticket into nightclubs and parties.

When straight people go to a gay nightclub, they are reminded of how progressive and tolerant they are. If they are hit on by a member of the same sex, it provides them with a valuable story that they can use to prove to their other friends that they are more progressive and tolerant. “This guy/girl hit on me, I said I was ‘straight but not narrow,’ and it was totally chill. Oh, you went to an Irish bar this weekend? That’s cool, I guess.”

Older white people prefer to be friends with gay parents because it enables their children to experience much-needed diversity with people who are, for all intents and purposes, exactly the same as them.

It is also worth noting that a gay friendship of any sort allows white people to feel as though they are a part of the gay rights movement. While white people love being a part of any movement, the gay movement is especially important to them because they can blend in at rallies and protests and spend an afternoon feeling the sting of oppression.

Gay friends are an essential part of a white person’s all-star diversity roster. But white people are always on the lookout for the ultimate friend: a gay minority. Above all, it is generally accepted that a gay black friend with a child is considered a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity—like a quarterback who can pass, run, kick, and play linebacker. White people will crawl over each other for the opportunity to claim this person as a friend and add them to their roster of diversity.

Once a white person has told you about their gay friends, it is recommended that you say “I wish more people were like you” every few months. This will allow them to feel good about their progressive choice of friends and remind them that they are better than other white people.

If you follow this simple rule, you should be able to maximize all benefits of white friendship, including moving help and free drinks.

89 St. Patrick’s Day

Normally if someone wakes up at 7:00 A.M., takes the day off work, and gets drunk at a bar before 10:00 A.M., they are an alcoholic, and not in the artistic, edgy way that white people are so fond of.

On March 17, however, this exact same activity is called celebrating St. Patrick’s Day. This very special white holiday recognizes St. Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland, who helped to bring Catholicism to the Emerald Isle. His ascetic life is celebrated every year by white people drinking large amounts of Irish-themed alcohol and listening to the Dropkick Murphys.

It is also the day of the year when you can make the greatest gains in your social and professional relationships with white people.

Most of the time, white people consider celebrations of European heritage to be racist unless they ignore large swathes of the sixteenth through twentieth centuries. But since the Irish never engaged in colonialism and were actually oppressed, it is considered acceptable to celebrate their ancestry—even encouraged. For this reason, 100 percent of white people are proud to claim that they are somewhat Irish.

A big part of St. Patrick’s Day is having white people feel particularly upset at the oppression of their ancestors, which has in no way trickled down to them. If you find yourself talking with a white person who tells you about how their great grandfather was oppressed by both the English and the Americans, it is strongly recommended that you lend a sympathetic ear and shake your head in disbelief. It is never considered acceptable to say, “But you’re white now, so what’s the problem?”

It is also worth noting that on this day there is always one trump card that never fails to gain respect and acclaim. When you are sitting at an Irish bar and someone orders a round of Guinness, you must take a single sip, and while the other white people are savoring their drink, you say, “Mmmm, I know it sounds cliché, but it really is true: Guinness just tastes better in Ireland.”

This comment will elicit an immediate and powerful response of people agreeing with your valuable insight. This statement also has the additional benefit of humiliating the members of your party who have not been to Ireland (and thus cannot confirm this proclamation). Having not traveled to Ireland and consumed a beer that is widely available in their hometown and throughout the world, they will immediately be perceived as provincial, uncultured, and inferior to you.

It is also strongly encouraged that you memorize the lyrics to “Jump Around.” They will come in handy.

90 Dinner Parties

Though many would have you believe that white people come of age at summer camp, it’s simply not the truth. Immediately following graduation but prior to renovating a house, white people take their first step from childhood to maturity by hosting a successful dinner party.

It is imperative that white people know how to host a good dinner party, as they will be expected to do it well into retirement.

At the most basic level, these simple gatherings involve three to six couples getting together at a single house or apartment, having dinner, and talking for five to six hours. Though it might seem basic, dinner parties are some of the most stressful events in all of white culture.

Hosts are expected to deliver a magical evening. The food must be homemade with fresh, organic ingredients, the music must be just right (edgy, new, but not too loud), and the decor of the house should be subtle but elegant. The ultimate goal is to do a better job than the couple who hosted the last dinner party while attempting to make everyone jealous and sort of dislike you.

The dinner party is the opportunity for white people to be judged on their taste in food, wine, furniture, art, interior design, music, and books. Outside of dictatorships and a few murder trials, there might not be a more rigorous judgment process in the modern world. Everything must be perfect. One copy of
US Weekly,
a McDonald’s wrapper, a book by John Grisham, a Third Eye Blind CD, or an
Old School
DVD can undo months and maybe even years of work.

Even before guests arrive, the pressure on the host is immense, and it does not let up once dinner begins. While eating, drinking, and conversation are expected to fill up five or six hours, sometimes it’s just not enough. In order to fill the silence, white people will often turn to board games (Cranium!) or Wii Bowling. This lets everyone have fun together without having to really talk to each other.

It is strongly encouraged to bring a gift to these dinner parties, usually either wine or some kind of dessert. If you are able to bring a particularly rare dish from your culture, you will be the star of the party. To seal the deal, be sure to explain as much as you possibly can about the dish: history, availability, and the proper way to eat it. Every white person at the party will be taking mental notes and will be in your debt for introducing them to something new and authentic. If a white person says they have eaten the dish before, it is best to respond by saying, “You ate a watered-down version. They don’t even sell this to white people, it’s that intense. Even I had to show ID.”

The entire party will universally acknowledge you as the top guest. Even the hosts will appreciate you for bringing diversity to the table in the form of both food and person.