Stuff White People Like (18 page)

No Logo,
published in 2000, has been responsible for more white-person “enlightenment” than any book since the burning of the library at Alexandria. By reading this one magic book, white people are able to get a full grasp on the evils of multinational corporations and then regurgitate them to friends and family.

Advanced white people will supplement
No Logo
with a subscription to
AdBusters,
where they will learn how to subvert corporate culture and return it to the masses. Specifically, this means taking ads and redoing them to create a negative message about a product. Apparently the belief is that when other people see this ad, they will be hit with an epiphany that their entire existence has been a
Matrix-
style manufactured universe.

If you plan to engage in lengthy conversations or get high with white people it is recommended that you read
No Logo
or an issue of
AdBusters.
Failing that, it is acceptable to buy a copy to leave on your coffee table. When white people see it, they will recognize you as someone who can see through the advertising and has a proper perspective on life.

WARNING: When engaging in a conversation about corporate evils it is important to
never, ever
mention Apple computers, Target, or IKEA in the same breath as the companies mentioned earlier. White people prefer to hate corporations that don’t make stuff they like.

83 Bad Memories of High School

The most time-and cost-efficient way of gaining a white person’s trust and friendship is to talk to them about their high-school experience.

Virtually every white person you meet was a nerd in high school—that’s how they were able to get into a good arts program or law school. As such, their memories of high school are painful but not tragic, since they were able to eventually find success in the real world. Exploiting this information is your one-way ticket into the heart of a white person.

Your first priority must be to steer the conversation to the topic of high school, which is not very difficult. If you are talking about music, mention the music you think they would have liked in high school and how you were taunted for liking those bands. If you cannot properly gauge the type of music a white person liked in high school, you should always say that you were really into the Cure. All white people know that liking the Cure in high school is an invitation to be tortured by the cool kids. This will bring about instant sympathy and respect.

It is also acceptable to discuss how you were in love with a cool kid who never loved you back. For added effect, you can mention how said cool kid is now doing very poorly and that you are excited for the upcoming reunion.

If these first two points are not enough to gain an adequate level of trust, you can close the deal by saying, “I was the only [insert ethnicity] kid in Improv/on the paper/on the student council.” Wait for a sympathetic look and then you will know that you have forged an unbreakable and easily exploited bond.

For maximum effectiveness, this technique should be used in a social group setting where everyone can share their stories. By guiding the conversation, you will be seen as a natural and sympathetic leader. This can be easily exploited for professional and social gain.

Note: In the rare event that you meet a white person who was “cool” in high school, do not panic. There is a 100 percent chance that one of their other cool friends sold them out in a coup for control of their social circle. They will tell you all about it. Failing that, you can exploit the inherent guilt they feel about their treatment of nerds.

84 T-shirts

Many people and cultures view T-shirts as simple pieces of apparel that can be acquired cheaply and worn in casual situations. For white people, they are never that easy. The T-shirt is one of the most complex and expressive items in their entire wardrobe.

Your choice of casual wear says a lot about you. There are stringent rules and hierarchies associated with T-shirts that you must know before venturing into any white-dominated social situations.

T-shirts fall into three categories: vintage, new, and unacceptable, with the latter category comprising the bulk of the world’s supply. Within each category lies another, more precise subset of rules and rankings. This is complicated, make no mistake.

The most prized T-shirt category is vintage. As shown earlier, white people need authenticity like they need oxygen, and ownership of an original vintage T-shirt from the ’70s or ’80s is a very powerful social status symbol. The ideal shirt will have a funny logo, a year attached to it, and will be as thin as rice paper. In the event that two white people have shirts that meet these criteria, the superior ranking is given to the person who paid the least for the shirt. Acquiring a shirt at a vintage clothing store is seen as less respectable than sorting through racks at Goodwill.

The second category of T-shirt is new, and there really are only two options. The first is American Apparel, a company that constantly reminds you it is based in downtown Los Angeles. It is considered an acceptable white company since it produces things that are very simple but also very expensive. The second acceptable new shirt is Threadless. This Chicago-based company produces artistic and funny T-shirts that are acceptable for concerts, trips to Whole Foods, and ’80s night. White people like these shirts so much because they are designed by white people for white people. Sort of like a white FUBU.

Finally, and perhaps the most important to be aware of, is the unacceptable category of T-shirt. There are a few simple rules to follow in order to avoid wearing the wrong one. First, if it’s made of a stiff, thick cotton, throw it in the garbage immediately. White-people T-shirts must be made of the softest, finest organic cotton. This is law. Unless it is vintage, the shirt cannot be made in a foreign country (unless you can certify its labor conditions). The shirt cannot contain a current sports logo. Shirts with sports logos are acceptable, but they must contain a logo that hasn’t been used in 15 years. Last and not least, it cannot be baggy. Your T-shirt must be tight-fitting for both style and mating purposes.

It is also imperative to understand that faux vintage shirts (“Getting Lucky in Kentucky”) are completely unacceptable. They are beloved by the wrong kind of white people, and must be avoided at all costs.

This information is best applied when you are planning on attending a social gathering. Your T-shirt says a lot about you, and if it’s the right kind of shirt it will set white people at ease. Also, asking a white person, “Where did you get that shirt?” will allow them to tell you a detailed story about how they acquired it. This will enable them to assert the reason their shirt has a higher ranking than yours.

85
The Wire

Though white people have a natural aversion to TV, there are some exceptions. For white people to like a TV show it helps if it is critically acclaimed, low-rated, shown on premium cable, and/or available as a DVD box set.

The latter is important so that white people can order it from Netflix and tell their friends, “I’m really into [insert series] and I watched ten episodes in a row this weekend. I’m almost caught up.”

If you attempt to talk about an episode they have not seen yet, they will scream and cover their ears. In white culture, giving away information about a film or TV series is considered as rude as spitting on your mother’s grave. It is an unforgivable offense. Recent series that have fallen into this category include
The Sopranos, Six Feet Under,
and most recently
The Wire.

For the past three years, whenever you say “
The Wire,
” white people are required to respond by saying “It’s the best show on television.” Try it the next time you see a white person! Though now they might say “It
was
the best show on television.”

So why do they love it so much? It all comes down to authenticity. A long time ago, someone started a rumor that when
The Wire
is on TV, actual police wires go quiet because all the dealers are watching the show. Though this is not true, it seems plausible enough to white people and has imbued the show with the needed authenticity to be deemed acceptable.

The popularity of this show among white people has created a unique opportunity for personal gain. If you need to impress a white person, tell them you are from Baltimore. They will immediately ask you about
The Wire
and how accurate it is. You should confirm that it is “like a documentary of the streets.” The white person will then slowly shake their head and say “Man” or “Wow.” You will be seen in an entirely new light.

If you are not from Baltimore but the white person you are talking to is, they might start asking you a lot of questions. In this situation, you should just say you left when you were young but you still have a lot of cousins there but you don’t like to go back to visit. This will remove all doubts and they can go back to telling you about how John from Accounting needs to “stop snitching” about their two-hour lunch breaks.

86 Shorts

One thing prized by white people is making the most of situations. They like to maximize opportunities for all that they are worth. This applies to jobs, vacations, investments, books, education, and perhaps most important, warm days.

After a prolonged cold snap, white people are very excited at the first hint of a warm day. It is their opportunity to go back outside, to enjoy nature and thrive. In order to get the most enjoyment possible out of these days, white people turn to one of their most trusted allies: shorts.

It is a known fact that white people believe they can cause spring to arrive early by wearing a pair of shorts on any day that is slightly above seasonal temperatures. This myth runs so deep that they will often wear shorts the following day when temperatures drop, at which point they will refuse to admit that it is cold.

When you encounter a cold white person in shorts it’s best to say, “I can’t wait until it’s warm enough to go windsurfing.” They will likely give you a high five.