Stuff White People Like (27 page)

During these relationships both parties are required to pretend that the idea of them as a couple is absurd. This allows the male to complain to his friends about his unrequited love, while the female uses this strategy to attempt to ward off (or at least discourage) a sexual advance from the male.

Every single white person who has been in a platonic friendship has experienced at least one of three possible outcomes. The first and most hopeful is that the white male achieves his goal and is able to convince the white female to date him. This often happens after either a drunken sexual advance or, for the more sensitive males, a proclamation of love through a letter or poem. Once the female has agreed to a relationship, it just becomes a normal white relationship.

The opposite of this, of course, is when the female rejects the advance or declaration of love. In this horribly awkward situation, the white male will reassure her that everything is OK and then proceed to extricate himself from the friendship and begin the process anew with a different girl. While white girls will often complain about how they have lost so many friends because of this, they also like to say that these situations are “complicated” and are “a long story.” In both cases, they are hoping you will ask them about it.

Finally, and perhaps most common, is the situation where the friendship becomes strained after the white female begins dating another male. The more aggressive white males might even be willing to profess their love at this stage in a Hail Mary attempt to reach their goal of romantic involvement. But in general, most white males will pretend to be happy for a while and then gradually stop talking to the female.

When you are talking to a white person about personal stuff, make up a story about how you were friends with a girl/guy when you were between 15 and 20 (these are the prime platonic years) and how you were obsessed with her/him; you had these great moments but she ended up dating some jerk who cheated on her/him. Your point will be to prove the lesson about the value of a sensitive person over a good-looking one. There is no chance you will even be able to finish this story, as the white person you are talking to will interrupt you to tell you their version of the story. All you need in order to seal the friendship is to nod and reaffirm how right they are.

121 Reusable Shopping Bags

Many white people have been able to decrease their carbon footprint by using plastic shopping bags for such diverse purposes as garbage bags and bathing-suit transport. Though helpful, the accumulation of bags is often at a much quicker pace than the reusing process, and within months, drawers and closets begin to fill up and are not emptied until the white person moves. It is one of the great tragedies of modern white culture. Fortunately, as with all white problems, there is a simple, expensive solution!

Advanced white people have started to reject plastic shopping bags and have started to bring their own bags to the supermarkets and stores that they frequent. These bags serve two essential purposes in white culture: marginally reducing waste and, more important, publicly showing a commitment to the environment.

Basic-level white people will use the free tote bag they received from their donation to public television or radio to carry a small amount of groceries or farmer’s market produce back to their homes. Though this is respectable, it’s not really all that impressive.

Up a notch are people who have purchased a bag that was specially designed for groceries and features the logo of the store on the side. This not only serves to show those outside the store that they shop at a responsible location, it tells the people in the store that they are lesser for not using that bag. This is essential for defining the hierarchy of white people within certain grocery stores. But again, this bag is only really useful for small quantities of groceries and produce.

The highest-ranking white people will only use the aforementioned bags for short trips. When they purchase large amounts of food they will bring their own bags made of organic cotton string. These bags expand and can accommodate more food and are easily loaded into the back of a Prius or Subaru. But even that is not enough. To achieve the highest possible status, white people must also carry their own muslin sacks that they can use to bag produce like tomatoes and garlic. This prevents them from using one more plastic bag, and it demands recognition from the person at the checkout counter.

All these white people want you to tell them that they are doing the right thing. In fact, they are so eager for praise that you might be able to acquire a free bag if you play your cards right. At the checkout counter of the organic co-op, take a look to see if the white person in front of you has more bags than they need. If they do, nudge them and say “What are those?”—doing your best to get the white person to deliver a speech about how much waste is created by plastic bags. Then start to ask where to get them, and finally say, “I don’t really have that much in my cart, and I’d really hate to have to use one of those plastic bags. I would feel guilty all day.” And boom! Free bag! If you are willing to travel to different markets, you can likely acquire a full set within a month.

122 Acoustic Covers

In terms of music, nothing will please white people more consistently than acoustic covers of songs that don’t seem to lend themselves to acoustic covers. In fact, whenever a white person puts together a mix—on a CD, an mp3 set, or a podcast, or for a party—the crown jewel is always an acoustic cover of a pop or hip-hop song.

On the surface it may seem confusing that white people love these covers so much, but if you dig just below the surface, it’s really not so surprising. You see, white people are not supposed to like mainstream hip-hop, pop music, or heavy metal—those are all enjoyed far too much by the wrong kind of white people. But because of their relative popularity, virtually all white people are familiar with the music. So when a musician takes one of those songs and converts it into an acoustic cover, they have made it acceptable for white people to enjoy because it is now in a style of music that they like.

White people love acoustic guitar, but they also love familiarity and catching pop-culture references, so when an acoustic cover comes along, it delivers on every level!

There is a 100 percent chance that at some point a white person will ask you to “come listen to this,” and watch your face to see how long it takes you to figure out that the song is a cover. If you plan on pursuing friendship with this white person or if they have something you need, it would serve you well to act surprised when you recognize the song, then start laughing, then ask the white person, “Where did you get this?” They will gladly tell you and will be more likely to buy you lunch.

123 Dave Chappelle

Sitting next to the Michel Gondry collection on the DVD shelf of white people is
Chappelle’s Show,
seasons one and two. Though Chappelle had been very popular with white people prior to getting his own show (ask a white person if they have seen
Half-Baked
), when he was given a weekly sketch show on Comedy Central it propelled him from preferred comic to true white comedic hero—joining ’80s Eddie Murphy, early ’90s Martin Lawrence, and late ’90s Chris Rock.

Though Dave Chappelle is popular with all kinds of people, the way that he is popular with white people might be different from what you would expect. For one, you have to be careful about which sketch you list as your favorite, as some have fallen out of favor. When it was first shown, all white people laughed very hard at the whole “Rick James” bit, but within a month it had been strongly co-opted by the wrong kind of white people, who started saying, “I’m Rick James, bitch,” in the same way that they used to say “Yeeaaah, baby!” after watching
Austin Powers.
So to quote that sketch will likely identify you as someone who lives on the wrong side of good taste.

When the topic of Dave Chappelle comes up, it is recommended that you mention the show only sparingly. Instead, you should mention how much you loved his many stand-up specials. This will not only give the white person a chance to repeat some jokes to show their comedic timing, but it will allow them to tell you how they were really into Dave Chappelle’s comedy before the show. Since you have mentioned the comedy specials, they will recognize you as someone who likes things before everyone else—quite the enviable position indeed.

If you are attempting to move your friendship with a white person to the next level (either socially or romantically), it is a good idea to invite them to your house to watch something featuring Dave Chappelle and smoke marijuana. This combination is irresistible to white people.

124 Tibet

In the history of white causes, there might never be one bigger than Tibet. The cause has celebrity endorsements, concerts, T-shirts, bumper stickers, Buddhism, and a simple solution. The latter is the most important, since many white people do not need to know the history of the situation in order to be passionate about the need for China to “get out of Tibet.” Unlike many other problems that have exceptionally complex solutions (global hunger, poverty, the environment), Tibet presents a rather clear-cut solution and is much easier to support blindly.

Ask a white person why they love Tibet so much and you will always get the same response: they see the nation as a place where people live simple lives, practice Buddhism, and find enlightenment on a daily basis. Tibetans have no need for material posessions, and it is rumored that the country actually absorbs pollution from China and turns it into self-help books for the West.