Stuff White People Like (8 page)

To a white person, there is no better way to spend a Saturday morning than to get up late, around 9:30, pile into the Audi or Volvo, and drive to one of these little places and eat brunch with friends. Often these brunches last for an hour or more (hence the long lines and wait times). Some white people take it to the next level and bring their dog, a newspaper, or even a laptop.

If you plan on dealing with white people, it will serve you well to know some local brunch places. This will also come in handy if you pick someone up at ’80s night. In white-person law, if you meet someone at ’80s night and then go out for brunch the next morning, you are automatically in a relationship. There are no exceptions.

37 Renovations

All white people are born with a singular mission in life in order to pass from regular whitehood into ultra-whitehood. Just as Muslims have to visit Mecca, all white people must eventually renovate a house before they can be complete.

Of course, most white people do not reach this goal until they are 35 or older. But the need to do it is as instinctual as walking. But it is important to note that white people have little or no interest in renovating a suburban home built after 1960 (except in Southern California). All white people dream about buying an older property (“with character”) in a city, and then renovating it so the insides look all modern, with a stainless-steel fridge.

Though the seed is planted from birth, it really starts to grow when renovations take place in a family home during childhood. They don’t understand why there are so many men with mustaches in their kitchen, but they know that the men will be gone in a few weeks, leaving behind a nicer kitchen and a happier mommy/daddy/life partner of parent.

Please note that
all
white people went through a renovation when they were kids. This is a good subject to bond over, perhaps with a story about how you were embarrassed at a sleepover when a friend went to the bathroom and there was a contractor on the toilet. Embellish as necessary.

38
Arrested Development

Even though most white people prefer to say that they don’t watch TV, one thing they agree on is that
Arrested Development
was the best show ever. They love it so much!

They love it for a number of reasons. First, since the show was canceled before it jumped the shark, it’s effectively like a rocker who dies at 27. Also, the show got terrible ratings, meaning that it wasn’t “mainstream,” which makes white people love it universally. Other examples of shows like this are
Twin Peaks
and
The Ben Stiller Show.

They also love it because the show likes to make references to popular culture, and if there is one thing that white people love, it’s cultural references that they understand (see
Garden State, The Onion,
and
Juno
for examples).

If you are ever at a white person’s house and you see an orange box in their DVD collection, you should say, “Oh, you have
Arrested Development.
I love that show!” To which you will be offered a glass of wine, and perhaps an invitation to ’80s night.

Also of note: The hip-hop group Arrested Development is also loved by white people.

39 Netflix

We all know white people love film festivals, but what about movies that don’t make it to a film festival, or weren’t in the local film festival? How do you get access? Thankfully, white people have Netflix.

If you don’t know, Netflix sends you DVDs in the mail, and you get new ones when you send the old ones back.

White people are absolutely crazy for Netflix because all of them are convinced that there is a global conspiracy to keep good, independent, ground-breaking films from mainstream distribution (multiplexes, Blockbuster, etc.). To them, Netflix (in spite of being a for-profit company) is a brand-new way for independent filmmakers to find an audience. By subscribing, white people believe that they are changing the film industry, supporting innovation, and contributing to a cultural revolution in film.

If you see a group of white people and you need to break into the conversation, a good thing to say is “Hey, is anyone else thinking that Netflix shipping is getting slower? I’m doing this P. T. Anderson thing, and I’m only up to
Magnolia
! What’s that all about?” They will relate, and talk about their own Netflix queues and how they are trying to get caught up on French New Wave.

Typical White-Person DVD Rack

Mulholland Dr.
“Lynch at his finest. It took me awhile to figure this one out. I have a theory…but it would take me about an hour to explain it.”

Donnie Darko
“The most underrated film of all time."

Rashomon
“Oh, you liked
Run Lola Run
? Watch this one first. Kurosawa is God.”

Sixteen Candles
“If you don’t love John Hughes, I don’t want to know you.”

Pulp Fiction
“I saw this in theaters three times. It made me want to be a filmmaker.”

Clerks
“Did you know the rights to the songs cost more than the film?” (White people love movie trivia.)

Juno
“The character of Juno reminds me of me.”

Fight Club
“I’m amazed this film was done by a big studio.”

Memento
“I love the play on traditional narrative.”

Apocalypse Now
“I read
Heart of Darkness
by Conrad before watching this film.”

Garden State
“Portman, great soundtrack, a real message? Sign me up.”

A Clockwork Orange
“Kubrick’s masterpiece is as true today as it was back then. Ahead of his time.”

Monty Python and the Holy Grail
“You should watch this with me sometime, I can recite the whole thing. Word for word!”

40 Apple Products

It is surprising that it took all the way to #40 to call out Apple products. Truthfully, it might be more productive to devote the entire 40s to the various Apple products that integrate into a white person’s life.

Plain and simple, white people don’t just like Apple, they love Apple and need it to operate.

On the surface, you would ask yourself how white people could love a multibillion-dollar company with manufacturing plants in China and mass production, and that contributes to global pollution through the manufacture of consumer electronic devices. The simple answer: Apple products tell the world you are creative and unique. They are an exclusive product line only used by every white college student, designer, writer, English teacher, and hipster on the planet.

You see, a long time ago Macs were superpopular among layout artists and graphic designers. Then Apple released Final Cut Pro, and it became the standard for film editors. As a result, lots of creative industries used Apple computers instead of PCs. Eventually, people started making the connection, and all of a sudden all white people need to have a Mac.

When you ask white people about Macs they will say, “Oh, it’s so much better than Windows,” “It’s just easier to use,” “They are so cutting edge,” and so forth. What’s amazing is that white people
need
to meet people who use Windows to justify themselves spending an extra $500 for a pretty-looking machine.

It is also important that white people are reminded of their creativity; remember, you need a Mac to creatively check email, creatively check websites, and creatively watch DVDs on planes.

White people also need iPods, iPhones, Apple TV, AirPort, and anything else that Apple will produce, because they need to express their uniqueness by purchasing everything that a publicly traded company produces.

Apple products also come with stickers. Some people put them on their computers, some people put them on windows, but to take this to the pinnacle of whiteness, you need to put the Apple sticker in the rear window of your Prius, Jetta, BMW, Subaru 4WD station wagon, or Audi. You then need to drive to a local coffeeshop (Starbucks will do in a pinch) and set up your Apple for the world to see. Thankfully, the Apple logo on the back will light up! So even in a dark place, people can see how unique and creative you (and the five other people next to you doing the exact same thing) truly are!