Student of Kyme (4 page)

After an
hour, he paused. ‘Stop writing,’ he said.

I did
so.

Malakess
sighed. ‘So many hara have said these things before, not least
members of the Hegemony in Immanion. Why should I think I can make
a difference?’

I didn’t
reply, simply because I didn’t think he expected me to.

He
laughed coldly. ‘I take it you agree with me, then.’

‘
I have no opinion, tiahaar,’ I said, ‘since I don’t have the
experience to judge.’

‘
But what do you think, Gesaril? You’re second generation.
You’re not tainted by preconceptions. Tell me what you
think.’

I
shrugged awkwardly, examining the pen in my hands. ‘I don’t know.
Everything I’ve heard sounds like a good idea to me, but then I
haven’t heard any other har talk this way.’ I paused. ‘Except for
my friend, Rayzie, who works here. He’s very interested in
anthropology.’ I was glad I could remember the word.

‘
Are you interested in it?’

‘
I like to listen to Rayzie,’ I said. ‘Is there still anything
you wish me to take down, tiahaar?’

There was
a silence from behind the desk. I wondered if I’d been too rude. I
wished he wouldn’t try to talk to me.

Then he
said, ‘Gesaril.’

I
squirmed, but tried not to show it. ‘Yes, tiahaar?’

‘
Will you look at me?’

Reluctantly, I raised my eyes for a second, let them get
scorched, then lowered my gaze.

I heard
him sigh. ‘Look at me, please. For more than a second.’

What
choice did I have? I looked up and saw Ysobi sitting there. I tried
to think there was no similarity, or that what similarity existed
was only small. It was like putting pins into my eyes. ‘Yes,
tiahaar?’

‘
I have to say something about this, because it puzzles me.
Whenever I run into you, you look at me as if I’m about to torture
you to death and then you flee. Have I unwittingly offended
you?’

I’m not
prone to blushing, but coloured up at that. ‘No… no tiahaar.
Nothing.’

‘
Then, why? You haven’t looked at me once today since you’ve
been here, until I asked you to. Is this some extravagant form of
etiquette you were taught at home?’

I shook
my head. ‘Not really. I wish only to be polite.’

‘
It’s more than that,’ he said. ‘I can sense it. I think you
should tell me.’

‘
I would like to go now, please,’ I said
desperately.

He was
silent another moment, during which time I looked away from him,
then I heard him say, ‘Yes, go.’

I
fled.

Later,
Huriel came to me. I was sitting on my bed staring at the notes I
had written, my heart still staggering and reeling at different
moments.

‘
Would you write out what Malakess dictated to you in a neat
hand?’ Huriel asked.

I nodded.
‘Of course.’

Huriel
sat on my bed and folded his arms, always a sign he felt we needed
to talk. Now, I couldn’t even look at him. ‘Gesaril,’ he said. ‘I
think we should have a little chat.’

I didn’t
say anything.

‘
Malakess isn’t pleased,’ he said. ‘Why are you so rude to
him?’

‘
I’m not,’ I said. ‘I don’t mean to be.’

‘
You’ve obviously taken an instant dislike to him, which I
find perplexing. He’s not a har to dislike, Gesaril.’

‘
I have no opinion about him,’ I said. ‘I don’t know
him.’

Huriel
exhaled through his nose. ‘I insist that you tell me what the
problem is.’

In those
words were the reminders of how much Huriel had given me, with no
cost attached, of any kind. I looked at him then. ‘It’ll sound
really stupid. I don’t want to tell you.’

He
displayed his palms. ‘I don’t care how stupid it is, I just want to
know.’

I took a
deep breath. ‘I’m surprised you haven’t guessed. I can’t believe
you haven’t guessed.’

‘
Guessed what?’ He sounded exasperated.

‘
Malakess looks like Ysobi,’ I said, hating the words, because
they really did sound stupid.

Huriel
frowned. ‘Does he?’

‘
You must know he does!’ I blurted. ‘How can you not see
it?’

He
shrugged. ‘Well… I suppose there is a slight resemblance… the hair,
the shape…. They are both unusually tall. I don’t know. Is this why
you’ve been so rude to him?’

‘
It’s his eyes,’ I said, realising it for the first time,
those piercing, unsettling cobalt eyes, ‘and yes, the hair, the
shape.’

‘
Hmmm,’ murmured Huriel. ‘In that case, you should probably
confront the problem. There’s no sense in trying to avoid him. It’s
ridiculous. He’s not Ysobi, you know that. Do you desire
him?’

‘
No!’ How could Huriel think that? Rayzie would say it’s
because he’s first generation.

Huriel
shifted on the bed. ‘Well, seeing as Malakess is my closest friend
as well as my mentor, he deserves an explanation. You must tell
him. He’s concerned he’s affronted you in some way.’

‘
You tell him!’ I said ‘Really, it’s nothing. I know it’s
ridiculous. Please… no… don’t tell him. I’ll work with him tomorrow
and the day after. I’ll look at him and be nice. I
promise.’

‘
No, Gesaril.’ Huriel was stern. ‘You went through a harrowing
experience in Jesith. This is part of the healing process. You must
tell Malakess your thoughts. Look him in the face and realise he’s
nothing like Ysobi at all. This is for you, not for
him.’

‘
I can’t believe you’d put me through that,’ I said
bitterly.

‘
It’s because I care for you that I can,’ he said gently.
‘Really, Gesaril, Malakess is no ghost. He’s different. You need to
see that.’

‘
I love him… Ysobi,’ I said.

Huriel
nodded once. ‘I know.’ He paused. ‘If you wish to speak to me about
it, you can, you know. I know Ysobi very well.’

‘
Then why should you want to listen to me?’

Huriel
gave me a gentle smile. I wanted to trust him. ‘I know you’re not a
fool. And it’s sometimes better to get something out in the open
rather than keep it locked up inside… don’t you think?’

I nodded.
‘I really want to hate him, but I can’t. Why is that? When I see
his face in my head, I think he’s not even that attractive.’ I put
my head in my hands, rubbed my temples hard. ‘Why did he affect me
so, Huriel? Why can’t I banish him from my head and my heart? It
makes no sense. He abandoned me to the wolves. That’s what it felt
like. He made me love him, then he threw me away. How can I love a
har like that?’

I glanced
at Huriel and he was inspecting me keenly. I realised I’d said
something that had either surprised or angered him. ‘What do you
mean exactly?’ he asked crisply.

‘
You know,’ I said. ‘You know the story.’

‘
I know that you demanded something from him emotionally, then
caused trouble when your… desire… wasn’t reciprocated. Ysobi has a
certain effect on hara, especially given the nature of his work. I
don’t think he realised what he was doing to you, and in that way I
can see you weren’t totally responsible.’

I
couldn’t help but laugh. ‘Who told you all that? Him?’

‘
Perhaps I would like to hear your side of it now.’

‘
What is there to say? He said so many things to me, and if he
didn’t mean them, it makes him a monster. I thought… I was given to
believe my feelings were returned. Do you think I would have abased
myself like that otherwise? I do have pride, you know.’

Huriel
put his head to one side, stared at me, and I wouldn’t flinch away
from his gaze. ‘Looking at you, I can see you are telling the truth
as you see it.’

‘
As I see it?’ I thumped the bed with both hands. ‘It was
unmistakeable, even though since then I’ve sometimes questioned my
own sanity about it. I wish I could replay my memories for you,
like pictures on a wall. That is the cruelty of it all, doubting
myself. Do you understand?’

‘
Tell me everything,’ he said. ‘I want to know.’

And so I
did; all the trivial little details I could remember. The
conversations we’d had, when I’d known, in the deepest core of my
heart, the subject under discussion was not always what it appeared
to be. The hidden language of love; a love so secret, so forbidden,
it had be disguised in pictures, in code. Aruna had been part of my
training, yes, but in fact Ysobi and I had been more intimate in
other ways. The glances that had lingered too long. The knowledge
in a har’s eyes. The way my flesh had ignited when he’d stood
behind me and the aura of his body had touched mine. His voice. His
gaze holding mine. He had stared into my eyes and said these
things. I will always be here. I’m not going anywhere. You can say
anything to me… anything. We must be honest with each
other.

He had
taken my hands in his. He had held me for hours as I’d spilled my
heart to him. I’m not who you think I am. I’m not worth it. But
still he’d held me, and still we had continued along that
treacherous path we’d set our feet upon.

Black
crows in a white sky, flying away. His words.

As I
relived this pain, so vivid because in my mind it wasn’t a memory,
it was still happening, I tried to speak as honestly as I could. I
tried to be objective. That’s difficult when you’re trying to
convince somehar you’re not mad or a liar. Even as I was speaking,
a mean little voice inside me was saying, ‘ah, but did it really
happen that way?’ I spoke so openly, I forgot who I was speaking
to. I wonder if that was a mistake?

When I
ran out of words, Huriel stood up and walked to the window. He
stared out of it for some moments, then shook his head. ‘I don’t
know what to say. That is a very different account to what I’ve
been told.’

‘
Of course it is. But do you believe me?’

He came
back to me. ‘How can I not when you speak with such rawness? How
can I not believe you when I look into your eyes and see your pain?
It’s my belief no har can feel as you do and it not be based upon…
something.’ He grimaced. ‘Ysobi was one of my most gifted students,
and sometimes he scared me with his intensity. Hara are drawn to
him, and although he might like to be modest about it, I think he
knows only too well what effect he can have, and it’s my belief he
uses that for his own advantage, consciously or not. He likes to be
liked, to be loved.’ Huriel sighed, and for a brief moment looked
wistful.

I stared
at him, shocked, wondering whether Ysobi had exercised his arunic
arts on this dry, bookish har.

Huriel
laughed, clearly having picked up my loud, unguarded thoughts. ‘It
was part of our training, Gesaril, although perhaps not as great a
part as you experienced.’ He patted my shoulder. ‘Whatever
happened, it’s done. If he broke your heart, then let it mend.
Don’t bring Ysobi here with you. Make your life anew. Part of that
is banishing the phantoms. You do understand me, don’t
you?’

I
inclined my head. ‘Yes. I understand.’

‘
I’ve told Malakess what a bright har you are. He knows how
highly I regard you. It would please me if you could be comfortable
in his presence.’

I can see
the sense in it. Ysobi has no right to be here, nor to possess
Malakess in my eyes.

Later

I walked
through a miserable drizzle to the house of Malakess. It was
actually a lot smaller than Huriel’s and nowhere near as
interesting. I really can’t say what was on my mind as I trudged up
the drive. I wasn’t as nervous or angry as I could have been.
Neither did I fear humiliation. It was strange. I told myself the
old Gesaril would have made a big drama out of this situation; the
new Gesaril would sort out the problem quickly so he didn’t have to
brood about it.

The front
door to the house was weathered and the brass knocker, in the shape
of a lion’s head, was dull with neglect. An ancient wisteria grew
up the side of the house, but it needed pruning and tidying, since
it had lots of dead branches within it, and the living bits covered
many of the windows. It seemed I’d been right about Malakess’s
abode; no wonder he preferred the comforts of Huriel’s house. I
banged the knocker three times and imagined the sound reverberating
through empty corridors. Would Malakess have furniture? Maybe he
only lived in a couple of rooms.

After
only a short wait the door opened. I’d prepared my speech, but then
found myself tongue-tied, because it wasn’t Malakess who’d answered
my knock. I should have anticipated he’d have staff. After all, he
was High Codexia. A young har stood before me, refined of feature
with long fairish hair. He peered at me in enquiry, which suggested
this household didn’t receive many visitors.

‘
Good day, tiahaar,’ I began. ‘Is Tiahaar Malakess at
home?’

The har
before me frowned a little. ‘He’s very busy. I’m his assistant. Can
I take a message?’