Stricken Desire (24 page)

“I can’t read them Em.” He whines flipping
through the stack.

“Oh yes you can or I will and you will listen
to what he has to say.”

“I was a complete dick you don’t understand
they are probably mean. Like really mean. I was mean to him so why
wouldn’t they be?” he is pacing the room his hands shaking full of
letters. I never knew Kyle could get to him like this. Maybe Stacy
has been dwelling in guilt for what he said to Kyle four years
ago.

“For Christ sake Stace, twenty two letters
can’t be all hateful. Maybe he’s rude but I doubt he’d put in that
much effort to send you hate mail.” I say.

I want to reason with him and make him read
the letters not me doing it for him. This is a step he needs to
take. It’s for his own good and mine. I have to know. I know Kyle
was kind of a douche when we were kids but this romance has me all
jealous and excited at the same time. If I can’t have my own
romance I am going to live viciously through Stacy if I have to.
It’s even better in person than it is in my books.

“I dunno.” He pouts and drops down on the bed
beside me and lays his head on my shoulder for support. I pat his
head.

“Why is this bothering you so much? If you
didn’t care for Kyle like you say you don’t then why would it
matter how he feels or what he says?”

“I don’t know.” He pouts again and this is
the gay part of Stacy out in full color. He’s like a damn woman
maybe even worse. This wish washy shit is so feminine.

“Listen I think you do know. I think you feel
guilty about possibly hurting the only man you’ve ever cared for
romantically. I know you say that you don’t care for men that way
and only WOMAN can do that for you. But if that was the truth then
why would you feel this way about a bunch of letters? It doesn’t
make any sense.”

He sighs “I wish you didn’t know me like you
do sometimes. It’s easier talking to Johnathan about feelings he
doesn’t understand and doesn’t care.”

“Then go talk to him about them. I am sure
he’ll listen. He loves you in his own way and I’m sure he’d be a
shoulder if you need it.”

He wraps his arms around my shoulders. “I
don’t need him Em, I’m just saying it would be easier. I didn’t say
I wanted that. I just thought if I held out long enough for you
that you’d finally fall in love with me and we could be together.”
He mopes.

“Do you honestly think I could make you
happy? Think about it. I know you think I am beautiful but do you
seriously see yourself being happy making love to me for the rest
of your life? No more men. Just me and my pussy.” I ask softly.
Maybe if I get him to see I’m not all that he’ll get off the Emily
is so great kick, because seriously I’m not.

“Yes, I do. You make me happy everyday Em.”
He kisses my forehead.

“Okay... I know that. You make me happy
everyday too Stace. But the main question is do I make you feel
passion? When you see me do you feel like you have to be inside of
me to feel whole? Do I turn you on every time we are around each
other? Do you find yourself wanting to fuck me all the time? Does
your heart blossom every time you hold me and you feel like if you
let me go you’ll break into a million pieces?”

“No not all that stuff.” He shrugs, his face
is so sad it hurts to look at. My poor best friend is going through
some serious coming to issues. The more I think about it. I realize
that I think Stacy is more gay than Bi. I think he uses woman for
sexual release and friendship but I don’t think the passion lies
with our gender. I think he feels the passion and the lust full
throttle with men and Kyle especially. That’s why he’s so confused.
I would be too if I was in his position.

“What stuff then?” I ask gently coaxing him
into the direction he needs to head into.

“I get horny around you sometimes. But I
don’t feel like I need to fuck you all the time or anything like
that. I don’t have that need. The only need I have with you is
love. I need to love you and show you how much you mean to me. But
it’s not about the fucking. It’s about the caring and the support
and the meaningful friendship we have. I couldn’t live without you
ever. I mean that. I would probably wither away and die. I know
that’s stupid I am dependent on your love but I am. But it is true
you are gorgeous and I would love to screw your brains out. You
just won’t let me.” He smiles.

“See that’s what I thought. Okay so when you
think about say Kyle how do you feel?”

We are so moving in the right direction. He
doesn’t know it yet. But I do. I am feeling a lot better about this
not trying to be with Stacy romantically. Our lives were never
meant to be that way.

“I feel guilty for hurting him. He wasn’t an
experiment ever. He was the best male experience I’ve ever had.” He
says

“Okay… aside from the guilt. Do you feel
passion? When you were still together, how did you feel? Did you
just want to talk and be friends and need his love? What did you
need or want from him?

“You sure you want to know?”

“Yes.”

“Honestly? I wanted to fuck him all the time.
I wanted to be balls deep in him or him in me. But mainly I wanted
to do him. To claim him. I know this might be too much. But you
asked. I loved sucking his cock. I mean really loved it. I hate
doing it to other men. But he was so good at sucking mine too. He
was like a woman in some ways he was gentle and knew exactly what I
needed all the time. Other men aren’t the same. I love fucking men
but it doesn’t feel right. Kyle was the only male I felt right
bottoming for. He was tender and always made sure I was well lubed
and I kind of felt special. Shit. I know that sounds retarded. I’m
chicking out talking about this. But it’s true. You’re the only
person I would EVER tell this too.” He says.

“Well I am glad you told me. And two more
questions and I’ll stop pestering you and we can get ready and
leave. We’ll come back and read the letter tomorrow before the
show. I gotta feed these babies before we leave tonight.” I pat my
tummy.

“Okay sounds good.” He grabs my hand and
intertwines our fingers together. Oh I love my best friend. My very
gay best friend. He’s gayer than he knows. But that’s okay I still
love him with all my heart.

“When you were not with Kyle did you think
about him? And if he was to date another person how would that make
you feel? Oh, shit one more. Sorry. When you two were alone in bed
how’d you feel with him? What did you do?”

“Okay Em. I think that’s like four more.” He
laughs. “But if wasn’t with him I’d be thinking about having sexy
time with him. Unless I was with you and I didn’t think about him
much at all. Dating another person? I dunno. I guess I don’t like
the thought of him dating another but he was my first. So I don’t
think my feelings on the matter should be different. I mean how
many people who lose their virginity want their first love to be
with someone else?” he shrugs.

“You just called him your first love.”

“I did?” he asks and looks deep in
thought.

“Yeah I guess he was in a way. And when we
were alone in bed? We cuddled and talked a lot. We were best
friends like you and I except I fucked him almost every day. How’d
I feel? Shit you really are making me chick out today. I guess
there’s no better person to do it with.” He squeezes my hand that
he’s holding. “I felt loved by him. I still do in a way. I liked
being with him. That’s why it hurt to leave him to move to L.A but
what choice did I have? I wasn’t going to move and try to have some
sort of long-distance thing and I wasn’t looking for a commitment.
We tried to be friends via the phone and internet and when I went
back to visit my mom we’d always catch up. Which always ended up me
fucking him like ten times and I’d sucking him off and then we’d
part ways.”

“That’s what I thought.”

“What’s what you thought?” he asks
confused.

“You loved him and you still love him. Not
the love you have for me. Do I think you love me? Yes. But not that
same kind of love you have for him. I think you’re confused about
your feelings for woman and men. You think you will eventually feel
what you felt with Kyle with a woman. I’m the closest thing to
that. So you cling to me thinking it could be the passionate, I
want to fuck you all the time kind of love. It’s not like that
between us and you know it could never be. You have it with Kyle
and I think you want it back but you’re afraid of commitment. But
you’re almost thirty Stace. Not eighteen anymore. If he still feels
the same way about you. Which I am sure he does. I think you should
try to work it out somehow.”

He shakes his head. “I don’t know.”

I know I’ve got him. Hook, line and sinker.
He knows I’m right. Shit, I know I’m right.

“If I was to get naked in front of you right
now would you get hard and want to fuck me?” I ask. This is my
final test.

“No. Probably not. I’d want to caress your
skin and hug you but not fuck you.”

“But if Kyle were standing in front you know
his dark black hair hanging over his shoulders his thick body, his
big cock heavy and hard between his legs What would you do? How
would you feel?”

“I’d get hard… Shit just thinking about his
body makes me hard. And I’d fuck him. I wouldn’t have to feel or
think about it. I’d just do it and he’d let me.”

“See now you know.”

His eyes widen and I think the revelation
finally hits him. He knows I am right. And it’s about damn time.
Maybe he will finally man up and be with Kyle once and for all.

After Stacy and I talked we went about our
business to get ready to for our first concert back on the tour. We
bathed. He threw on a black T and Jeans with his black boots. The
way he dresses is like he’s already a part of Stricken minus the
tattoos that is. I let him pick my outfit for the night. Which I
think kind of made his day after all the hot and heavy we talked
about before our showers.

Although I’m not excited to be standing here
stage side in this get up. When we were back in Indiana and we did
all that shopping. We happened to drop by a Hot Topic store. It’s a
total ToysRus for rockers and emo peeps. Stacy wanted to pick up a
few band T’s. But once we got inside he saw this ridiculous girls
outfit on a manikin. He felt up the floor model and pretended to
hump her leg. I laughed so hard I cried. Needless to say I
somewhere along those lines made a joke about how I was jealous the
manikin was getting more attention than me. And he said something
along the lines “Well if you’d wear this I’d hump your leg.” So
somewhere in my laughing stupidity we bought the damn thing in my
size along with the fishnet stockings and all. I promised I’d wear
it two times in my life and after that it was going in the trash.
So apparently tonight was the night to sport my new ensemble for
the world. At least I fit in with the rockers now in my red plaid
mini skirt that has two black buckles on the front and I have on
those oh so fabulous fishnet tights and a black leather sweetheart
corset with ruffles at the top and black close toe heels. I look
sexy in a hooker kind of way.

Some band by the name of Dirty Harry or
something like that just finished there set and now our roadies are
fixing the stage for Stricken to play. I haven’t seen any of the
guys today. After our talk we ordered room service while Stacy
helped me get dolled up in this super slutty outfit. Secretly I’ve
been hoping to see Johnathan cause after this morning I need to
show him a little something sexy. I know that’s bad and
uncalled-for but I could give a shit. As long as I don’t feed the
hungry bitch between my legs. It’s all good.

“You know that outfit could be used for roll
playing in the bedroom.” Stacy says naughtily, twirling one of my
curls with his finger.

“You know your balls would probably be better
left intact.” I sass and grab him where it counts. He jumps a
little. But I’m not mean about it.

“You’re a little feisty tonight babe.” He
smiles and kisses me cheek. I release his sac.

“All dolled up looking like a sexy
schoolgirl. How could I not?” I tease with a little wiggle.

“You know when D sees you it might be a
problem keeping his hands off your hot pregnant body.” Stacy says
laughing and runs his finger down the middle of my corset to the
top of my skirt.

“Well you’re my date tonight so I think I
should be fine. We just have to keep the whole NO alcohol thing
under wraps somehow. I can handle D.”

The set is finally assembled and the roadies
have our guys all set up to play tonight. The twenty thousand fans
are roaring louder than I remember and the chanting is just begun
with thousands of fist pumps going and fans yelling ‘Stricken,
Stricken, Stricken.’

Deacon joins the stage first, from the
opposite side from where we are standing. He looks our way and his
chocolaty eyes widen. Yep, that’s right D I look like a hooker
tonight. He points his finger at me. I raise an eyebrow to see what
he might actual say.

He mouths ‘You’ and points his finger again
in my direction. ‘Turn’ and he turns around. I laugh. ‘Me.’ He
points to his chest with his thumb. ‘On’ and he grabs his dick in
his jeans.

I blush with a smile, roll my eyes and shake
my head like he’s a moron. He shrugs mouthing ‘What?’

I wave him off and turn to face Stacy who is
in the middle of a conversation with a stagehand and completely
missed the Deacon Mime show.

“You missed it.” I say as he ushers off the
stagehand.

“Huh? What’d I miss?”

I explain Deacon’s little display.

“I told you.” He tugs my hair. “You’re hot.
And that’s why Frankie just came to me. Apparently there’s a famous
ad executive in the VIP seats tonight that saw you standing up
here. Wanted to request you accompany him to the after party
tonight as his date.”