Somewhere Only We Know ....... (26 page)

In the end I only ended up being on my own
for a week. It was nice, I went out for a meal with my mam and dad,
spent time with Scarlett and Sasha and walked miles with Jasper. I
had a feeling of peace.

Bethany came home at the end of the week and
we spent the next week doing girly things together. We even talked
about Ben, on reflection I think that was due to the fact that she
had met someone herself. She was so much more understanding when
she was in love, it was her suggestion that we did a Ben CD.

For years me and Ben had texted each other
lyrics from songs that meant something to us. We would work out
which song the lyric came from and then would listen to it, it was
a way for us to communicate how we felt about each. So Beth and I
sat and did a play list, she burnt it on to a cd and called it
C&B - Their Soundtrack!!, she even put it into its own little
case, just like a proper cd.

Before I
knew it everyone was home. Thomas said he had a great time and then
slept for 48 hours solid. James had discovered girls whilst he had
been away, came home dumped his bag and was off to meet some girl
called Amy who if my memory served me right had been in his class
in infants school, but who had never warranted a mention since
James had turned 5, bet she isn
’
t in pigtails anymore I thought to myself. I
didn
’
t hear anything from
Ben and I wasn
’
t going to
contact him first.

When Thomas
resurfaced into the land of the living, I
couldn
’
t feed him enough.
You would have thought he hadn
’
t eaten for a month, so he sat at the dining room table and
I produced platefuls of food for him. As he ate we chatted about
his holiday, he made a few reference to Ben but not many.
“
Oh my God, does he
know
”
, I thought to myself.
But listening to him chatting away I knew he
didn
’
t. In the end I had to
ask him,
“
so
what
’
s with Ben, I
haven
’
t seen anything of him
since he got back?
”
“
Didn
’
t see that much
of him when we were away
”
,
he replied.
“
How come,
thought you were sharing a room with him
”
I stated.
“
He spent most of his time with
Emma
”
.

The floor
was moving, I grabbed hold of the dining room chair to stop me
hitting the floor. I opened my mouth to say something but nothing
came out.
“
Coffee,
I
’
ll make myself a
coffee
”
I thought to myself.
In the kitchen I stood stock still and took deep breaths. I
couldn
’
t get my head around
any of it. Emma was in Majorca with them? I had to find out what
was happening!! I made my coffee and carried it carefully to the
dining room table, trying not to shake and spill it, I
didn
’
t want Thomas starting
to ask me questions when it was me that needed answers.

I made small
talk with him, then asked the big question.
“
So Emma went on holiday with you
all
”
.
“
No not with us, she was with
Georgia, Kerry and Danielle
”
.
“
Phew!!
”
I
thought.
“
They were on our
flight and were in our hotel. Bummer for me Georgia being there,
but I didn
’
t see much of
her. Emma booked it all, weird if you ask me, but it did the trick,
her and Ben are back on.
”
I
continued to drink my coffee.
“
Well that will be the last we see of him for a
while!
”
I
wasn
’
t sure if I had just
thought that or said it out loud. Thomas said nothing.

Making an
excuse of sorting some washing, I made my way upstairs. My head was
pounding, I felt physically sick, how could he have done this to
me
……
. I lay on the bed. I
didn
’
t know what to do with
myself. Checking my mobile there was still no sign of him, surely
he knew that I would find out?? I rang his number, it rang two or
three times then went to voicemail. I tried again, straight to
voicemail this time. I text:-

Me

I can
’
t believe what you have done - and let me find out the
way you have - that
’
s it Ben I
’
m done this time - I
can
’
t do this anymore - you even let me get you some clothes
knowing that emma was going on holiday with you - you are the scum
of the earth

I
didn
’
t feel any better after
I sent the text. I spent the next few days constantly checking my
phone to see if he contacted me, but he
didn
’
t. I
didn
’
t want to leave the
house for fear of seeing them. Every journey I made to and from
work was fraught with tension, I avoided doing anything that would
take me into the outside world. I cried off from Friday nights and
if I wanted to see my mam and dad I asked them to come to
mine.

I was
drowning in my own misery. Obviously the smile was in place, I gave
no one reason to suspect anything was amiss. I
didn
’
t even let Scarlett and
Sasha know what was happening, I felt a fool.

Bethany was
the only one who knew. She had seen what was happening on Facebook
and came into my bedroom one night, lay on the bed with me and
cuddled me in tight, our role reversal again.
“
Let him go mam, he
isn
’
t worth
it
”
. I
didn
’
t answer, just nuzzled
into her and cried.

About three weeks after they got back off
their holidays Ben texted.

Ben

No message

Ben

Caz I need to talk to u x

Me

No thanks

Ben

Please just hear wot I hav to say

Me

There is nothing u can say - wot u hav done
says it all

Ben

Please I
’
ll pick u up in 30 mins at end of ur street

Me

No

Ben

Yes

Half an hour later I was sitting in his
passenger seat.

Ben drove us
to a local picnic spot, it was deserted. He
hadn
’
t said much on the trip
down, but after parking up, he passed me a cigarette and started
talking.

“
I
didn
’
t mean for any of that
to happen in Spain, she was just there and kept suggesting we do
stuff. Thomas and them were all out on the pull and I
didn
’
t want to, not because
of Emma, because of you. So it was easier to go and meet up with
Emma, you know what she is like she just assumes stuff. So after we
got back she assumed we were back on. I
didn
’
t hear from you and
thought the longer that I hadn
’
t the more chance you would have heard that Emma was
out

there.
I
’
m sorry Caz really I am, I
surprised you even agreed to meet me. This relationship is so hard.
A long time ago you said that you knew I would go, that I would
have to go and live a bit, I think
that
’
s what this is. I need
to go and be normal. I love you, always have and I always will, but
you have to let me go. Not because of Emma, I think if I was going
to fall in love with her I would have done it by now. He threw his
cigarette out of the car window.

“
Okay, can
you take me home now?
”
I
answered.

I had
nothing to say. He loved me, I knew that, but I was too much like
hard work. Emma was so much easier to be with. I
wasn
’
t going to beg, even
though every being in my body was screaming for me to tell him not
to go, I needed to walk away with some dignity. He started the car
and drove all the way home like an idiot. Pulling back up at the
end of the road I opened the door and stepped silently out, the car
screeched off. I had been out with him less than 15
minutes.

I walked up
the street dazed. We has split up before, many times. This was
different, it was the finality of it all, and usually if we rowed
we both knew we didn
’
t mean
it. This felt like the end of my world. As I got into the house my
mobile bleeped.

Ben

No message

Me

No message

I would like
to say that time healed. But it
didn
’
t. I was chipper
Caroline when people were around, but when I was on my own I was a
mess. I was back on automatic pilot. The swan was well and truly
tangled, no longer able to swim it was treading water, stuck in the
same spot going nowhere. The legs were growing weaker by the day,
but still it appeared magnificent to anyone who looked at it. The
rest of the swans on the lake came over to the still swan, but she
assured them she was fine and encouraged them to get on with their
own lives, it was a huge lake and there was lots to see and
explore. But the tangled swan knew time was running out, the weak
legs wouldn
’
t hold her
forever, her swansong was growing ever
nearer
……

James left
school and started college, Amy was a regular fixture at our house.
She was nice, like James she was sporty and they played every sport
imaginable, golf being their thing at the minute. They would go off
first thing in the morning and
wouldn
’
t be seen again until
the course closed. They were both competitive so they would often
come through the door arguing about some shot or another. They made
me smile, they both ate like horses and would spend hours in the
kitchen concocting some meal, but they seemed happy.

Bethany was
smitten with Jack who she had met in Birmingham. They visited each
other often and when Jack got a job in Newcastle he sort of moved
in with us permanently. Bethany had got a full time job working in
the dentists in the next village from ours which she loved. She was
such a people person. They were happy and I liked Jack very much,
he was a bit older than Beth and they seemed to bring the best out
of each other.

Thomas was
still playing the field. Since Georgia he
hadn
’
t really settled on one
girl, there seemed to be plenty of them about but no one seemed to
be able to clip his wings. He was a flirt and reminded me of Keith,
but Thomas was kind and would never deliberately hurt anyone. He
worked hard and he played hard, he liked his cars and his clothes
and never seemed stuck for anyone to go out with. He mentioned Ben
from time to time but I never asked questions, I
didn
’
t want to
know.

So all was
well in the Evan
’
s
household, of course apart from me. Sasha and Scarlett knew Ben had
gone and would like nothing better than a session of name calling
about him. I think they thought it would make me feel better, so I
pretended it did and would join in. But I
wasn
’
t getting over
him.

I read magazine articles about stars who
were in age gap relationships, Peggy Mitchell, Madonna, Demi Moore
even Carol Vorderman had one. The difference was all these women
were open about their relationships. Mine had been my dirty secret
for so long it would be hard to bring it out into the daylight. I
grieved for Ben, I missed his smell, his smile, I missed my mobile
buzzing constantly.

I started
to
have a very spaced feel about myself.
Like I wasn
’
t really there!!
The only emotion I felt was abandonment, I
didn
’
t feel happy or sad,
just alone. Even in house full of people I felt alone. I had often
been alone through the years, but this felt different. I
couldn
’
t concentrate on
anything for very long, my usual Ben distractions
weren
’
t working. I could sit
for hours staring at the telly and seeing none of it,
I
’
d listen to conversations
without hearing a word of it. I functioned, but that was
all.

Everyone
seemed happy, people laughed everywhere, I
couldn
’
t understand it. If
all these people could be happy, why
couldn
’
t I?? My mam and dad,
now retired with loads of time on their hands filled their days
walking and reading and doing generally nothing but yet they were
the happiest I had ever seen them. They were proud of me, they kept
telling me, but they wouldn
’
t be if they knew the real me!! Guilt! The kids were all
happy, they were growing up and growing away, just as they should
be doing, but even their happiness
couldn
’
t make me happy. I
was proud of each and every one of them, they were shaping into
lovely adults and I should have been able to take pride that I had
helped shape them. But I didn
’
t, all I could think was the years and years I had lied to
them over Ben. I was a disgraceful example of a mother.