Somewhere Only We Know ....... (22 page)

I was once again an actress, smiling and
laughing to the rest of the world. Being a good mam and daughter
and friend. I was insular and I was entering into a private world,
a world that had only me and Ben in, because if we invited anyone
else into it they would get hurt and there was enough hurt for me
and Ben without having to share it with others.

I felt
guilty. I felt guilty because Ben was so young. I felt guilty that
Thomas didn
’
t have a clue
what was going on under his nose. I felt guilty for my family and
my friends; they didn
’
t
really know me anymore.

I was like an elegant swan floating
gracefully around a lake. Everyone admired its elegance, but
underneath its legs were going like the clappers, getting caught up
in the weeds and crap in the lake. Paddling for all its worth just
to stay afloat.

But the
wheels were in motion and as much as the sensible thing to do would
be to jump off, no matter how much the landing would hurt me, I
couldn
’
t. So I clung onto
the ride which was slowly gaining momentum. Knowing that sooner or
later the ride would crash and I would be burnt. I loved
him.

Physically
our relationship hadn
’
t
changed. Messing about in the kitchen one night this changed. Not
dramatically, but enough to cause me more sleepless nights. I was
washing up and he came into kitchen and he started aggravating me.
I splashed him with water and we ended up sort of fun fighting. He
had is hand over my mouth and for whatever reason I managed to pop
his index finger into my mouth. I started to lick and suck on his
finger like it was his cock. It was such a turn on. I sucked it,
then licked it and flicked the end, then I plunged it back into my
mouth and sucked on it as hard as I could. All the time I kept eye
contact with him. When I saw his eyes starting to dilate, I stopped
and he whipped out of the kitchen and upstairs into the
bathroom.

I felt
terrible. I felt like I had abused him. I stood stock still in the
kitchen and shook from head to foot. I was a terrible person. I
heard him coming down the stairs and into the kitchen. I stood with
my back to him, I couldn
’
t
look at him. He came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me.
He nuzzled into my neck and said absolutely nothing. His arms were
getting tighter and tighter, he was like a boa constrictor. When I
felt him starting to shake I realised he was laughing. I wriggled
out of his arms and turned to face him. He was smiling and as I
looked into his eyes I could see all the love in them. It was ok.
It was going to be ok. I smiled back at him. But that would be the
last time I instigated anything for a very long time.

Our secret
relationship continued. We would go out for walks and out for meals
on our own and we would do other things together with the rest of
the family. Bethany often looked at me with suspicion, whereas once
upon a time my mobile was left lying around for anyone to use, now
I kept it out of sight, in my pocket or zipped away in my handbag.
She stilled mooned over Ben, but she also tried to trick him out of
information, he was quite wise to her and always had an answer
ready.

The guilt
still gnawed away at me. As proficient a liar I was, I
didn
’
t like all the lies I
found myself telling the kids, or my mam and dad or even
Scarlett.

Not that Scarlett would have noticed. She
was on to the second Mr Right. Mr Right the First had turned out to
be a shit, married as usual and although he had told the truth
about his high powered job, he had used it as an excuse for
Scarlett not to ring or text, or even expect to see him more than a
couple of nights a week. Now Mr Right the Second was altogether a
different fish. We had all already met him, he was a proper feet
under the table bloke. At first she had loved all of the attention
he was paying her, but he had virtually moved in and followed her
everywhere.

She was now
Assistant Manager at the pub, but Glen would take her along to work
and then sit until her shift finished. Our girly Friday nights were
now girly and Glen, and I could see that he was suffocating her.
She had marked his card, now it was just a matter of time and
Mr

Right the
Second would be walking the same path as his predecessor, out the
gate and away. Poor Scarlett, she just wanted someone normal. I
really wanted to tell her about Ben, but even when I sorted out
what I was going to say to her in my head, when I opened my mouth
the words wouldn
’
t
come.

Ben finished
with Emma, he said she complained that he never showed her enough
attention. When a few days after they finished we drove past her
when we were in my car she glared at me, I panicked wondering what
Ben had told her about me. But he assured me there was nothing, she
was just like that with her dirty looks. I
wasn
’
t convinced.

Then Ben
kissed me for the first time and any doubts I had were sent flying.
I hadn
’
t been expecting it,
he had caught me off guard. I was running down the stairs when he
started running up. I hate crossing on the stairs, I think it is
unlucky, so as soon as I saw him coming I turned around and started
running back up.

When he caught up with me at the top he took
hold of me by the arms, pushed me right on top of the landing and
kissed me against the airing cupboard door. It was the most perfect
kiss I had ever had.

I made my
way downstairs with trembling legs. And that was that. Every
opportunity we had to do it we kissed. It was the most sensual
thing I had ever had. Each kiss was better than the one before. Our
kissing was better than any sex I had had up until that point. My
secret life continued to grow. I had parallel lives. My normal life
was the day to day stuff, work, kids, friends etc, then I had a
life with Ben. This was a lonely life, I kept my insecurities and
guilt to myself, there was no one to share this life with apart
from Ben and he just wanted happy smiling Caroline, not some
nutter. I looked to see what the future would hold and I could see
nothing, there wasn
’
t a
future for us, but still I couldn
’
t give him up. One morning as I was getting ready for work
there was someone singing
“
There
’
s a Place for
Us
”
from Westside Story on
Breakfast Television, I burst into tears. There was no place for
us.

Maybe Ben
sensed that I was full of doubts. He started talking about what we
could do, where we could go. I listened as he talked about our new
life, but I couldn
’
t see it.
He was 16 and I was almost 40. He was young and carefree but I had
responsibilities, even if we could go it was years into the future.
A pipe dream. My head said
“
knock this on the head now, you are a
fool
”
, my heart said
“
hang in there it will work out,
love will conquer all
”
. My
life swung back and forwards, I was that swan swimming alone on a
huge lake, underneath the water I was caught up in nets and they
were making staying afloat harder and harder.

I noticed a
change in Bethany and James
’
behaviour. They were sullen and moody and when I spoke to
them they snapped their answers back at me. I asked them both what
was the matter but they both said that they were fine. I asked
Ben.
“
People are saying me
and you are shagging, it was all over the school bus the other
morning
”
. I felt
sick.
“
I hope that you put
everyone right Ben? Who is saying it?
”
“
I think it might be Emma, she
watches everything I do and knows I spend a lot of time with
you
”
he answered.
“
Fuck, fuck,
fuck
”
I thought.
“
Ben you have to sort
this!!
”
I pleaded.
“
It will be fine man, stop your
flapping
”
.

But I did
flap. I didn
’
t know what to
say to Beth and James, how humiliating for them. So I did what all
good mothers do when they get rumbled for having a relationship
with their son
’
s best
friend. I booked us a holiday. The kids
weren
’
t over enthusiastic
about it, I couldn
’
t

really
afford it, but a week in the sun would do the four of us the world
of good. Of course there was hell on, Bethany wanted Liam to come,
James wanted to take a friend and Thomas
couldn
’
t understand why Ben
and Georgia hadn
’
t been
invited. I stuck to my guns, this was a family holiday and to be
honest I needed something to focus on.

Ben
wasn
’
t happy. He thought he
had the God given right to be coming, but I needed to get away from
him and refocus on the kids. For the week before we went he was
nowhere to be seen, I couldn
’
t decide whether Bethany was being cruel or kind when she
said
“
did you know Ben was
back with Emma?
”
Once again
I had done something that hadn
’
t suited Ben and he had gone running back to his on/off
girlfriend. I was reeling, the thought of Ben with someone else
made me feel ill. But I kept it all inside, smiled, got excited and
packed up the family for our holiday.

The week in
Spain turned out to be great. I had deliberately picked a hotel
that was buzzing with things for teenagers to do. After the first
sulky day, all three of them started to mix with other kids there
and for the rest of the week I hardly saw them. It was nice to have
some
‘
me
’
time. I
sunbathed and read and did some thinking. Ben was never far from my
thoughts, but I decided that as he had made the break then I would
stick to it. As much as it would hurt me, I would keep my distance.
And I did.

When we
returned from holiday, I threw myself into other things. I started
socialising with friends more, joined the gym and decorated the
living room and my bedroom. As long as I
didn
’
t sit and think I was
fine. Bethany and James were back to normal, obviously Emma had
stopped gossiping now she had Ben back. All was well.

I was fine, I got used to the dull ache I
constantly had in my heart. When Ben came for Thomas I smiled at
him but made sure that I was never in a situation where I was alone
with him. He seemed happy enough. The pain I felt when he left was
indescribable and it would take me hours or sometimes days to start
to feel remotely normal again.

He had been gone over a month when I
received a text one lunchtime at work.

Ben

This is stupd I ht it

“
Oh
God
”
I thought to
myself.
“
Please
don
’
t do this, I cant do
it
”
.

Me

Its for the best - lets just leave it x

I
didn
’
t expect him to text
back, thought he would take one of his huffs. But within
minutes
…

Ben

N its nt I c u ltr

What
di
d he mean he would see me later? It was
Friday so I had arranged to go around to
Scarlett
’
s. If I took my
time with the shopping on the way home I
wouldn
’
t be around to see
him. I didn
’
t bother texting
back.

And
that
’
s what I did, I went
food shopping, called in for coffee with my mam and dad, went home
and checked everyone was fine and dandy then went along to
Scarlett
’
s.

If she was
surprised that I had turned up much earlier than usual she
didn
’
t say. Mr Right the
Second was long gone, she had had her fingers well and truly burnt
off the internet malarkey. Pouring us a glass of wine each she then
proceeded to tell me about her latest venture; soldiers who were
looking for pen pals. She had written to dozens of them and was
quite proud of the fact that she was doing her bit for the lonely
men risking their lives for Queen and Country. She had obviously
forgotten that her interior motive was to bag herself a man in
uniform.

She was such
a tonic. Our friends Julie and Marie joined us and the rest of the
night was filled with gossip and men and kids. Scarlett had a
stalker at work, well stalker wasn
’
t exactly the right word for him, he was a bloke in his
forties who tried all ways to get Scarlett out on a date. She
complained constantly about him, but I saw the grin on her face;
she was softening. We all dared her to go on a date with him, just
to put the poor bloke out of his misery and we laughed at how
disappointed he was going to be with her anyway so it would put an
end to his fixation with her.