Somewhere Only We Know ....... (30 page)

It was a
Friday night and I had had a few glasses of wine with the girls,
there was no way I could drive. I steadied my breathing then
shouted up for James. He came bounding down the stairs in his
boxers, I explained best I could what had happened and he said
he
’
d drive, he had been
playing 5 a side so hadn
’
t
had a drink.

We set off for the hospital, I sat on my
hands because they were shaking so much. Surely I would have felt
it if something fatal had happened to Ben, my soul would have
known, then I gave myself a shake, this was real life not hearts
and souls.

In the
Accident and Emergency waiting room Thomas was sitting on his own.
He smiled as he saw us come through the door.
“
It
isn
’
t too bad, he has cuts
and bruises and they think he has broken his arm, he is waiting to
go for an x-ray. Relief flooded through my body, my soul was
right.
“
Ben
’
s mam and dad
are in with him, I think the police made it out to be worse than it
was when they rang them and they panicked.
”
Thomas went on.

The three of
us sat and waited. Ben
’
s mam
and dad came out and said they had taken him down for an x-ray. I
didn
’
t know what to say to
them. I just said Thomas had called and said he was on his way and
because no one had any idea what was happening we thought we had
better come over.

We all sat
around drinking an assortment of hot drinks from the vending
machine and watching the television in the corner which was on but
had no sound. When a nurse came and said Ben was back,
Ben
’
s mam and dad asked
Thomas to go with them. Me and James continued to stare at the
telly.

After what
seemed like an eternity Thomas was back in the waiting room.
“
They are going to take him up on
to a ward for the night, but you can go along and see him before he
goes if you like.
”

I followed
Thomas along a corridor of curtained cubicle. Near the end he
pulled back the curtain and there was Ben. Battered, bruised and
his arm in a sling. His mam and dad were sitting either side of
him, his mam holding his good hand.

“
You look
like a boxer
”
I said, unsure
of what else to say. I wanted to go over and wrap my arms around
him, he had given me such a fright.
“
Yes
he
’
s a lucky
lad
”
his mam said.
“
What
happened?
”
I asked.
“
Not sure really, I think a car
shot out of the junction and it pushed me into the oncoming car. It
all happened really fast and before I knew it I was in the back of
an ambulance!
”
Ben said, but
he wasn
’
t looking at
me.

Ben
’
s mam said
something but I didn
’
t catch
it because I was looking at Ben.
“
Sorry, I didn
’
t hear
what you said
”
I
apologised.
“
I was just
saying that the nurse came along before to say that Emma and the
baby were fine, which was really nice of
her
”
.

I continued
staring at Ben, Emma and the
baby
…………
. what the fuck. He
was with Emma in his car when it crashed and she is having his
baby. The panic attack was on me before I knew what was happening
and I was struggling to get my breath.
Ben
’
s dad jumped up off the
chair he was sitting on and insisted I sat down. I sat with my head
between my legs trying to control my breathing. All the time my
head was in turmoil. All this time I thought we were good, he was
back with Emma. He had betrayed me again, this time in the worst
way, he had said absolutely nothing to me.

My breathing
was getting back to normal. I lifted my head and straightened
myself up. I looked at Ben but he was staring at some invisible dot
on the blanket. And that
’
s
when I blew.
“
How the fuck
could you Ben, after everything that has happened. Everything we
have been through, the one thing we had was honesty and look what
you have done with my trust. You are a lying, cheating bastard, I
can
’
t stand this and I can’t
stand you. I can
’
t look at
you for another minute.
”
I
wasn
’
t screaming but I was
whispering very loudly. I turned around and walked out of the room.
I didn
’
t look at his mam or
dad. As I walked back along the corridor I could see Thomas
striding ahead of me. Going into the waiting room I heard James ask
Thomas what was up. Thomas replied
“
you best ask her
”
before fleeing out of the hospital.
“
Mam
what
’
s
happening?
”
James asked as
we made our way out of the hospital and into the car park.
“
I
’
ll tell you when we get home
”
I replied. I needed some thinking time, what the
hell was I going to say to Thomas!!!!

When we got
home there was no sign of Thomas. My head was pounding, with the
few glasses of wine I had had and the rest of the night’s events I
thought my head was going to explode.
“
Mam,
what
’
s going
on?
”
James asked
again.
“
I
’
ve done something
really silly and hurt Thomas badly, have you any idea where he
could have gone??
”
I
asked.
“
No idea, what do you
mean mam, what have you done??
”
James pleaded. The look on his face said I
wasn
’
t going to be able to
shrug this off.

Taking out a
cigarette, I lit it and standing in the kitchen I said
“
James I am so sorry, but I have
been having a relationship with Ben Jacobs for years. Tonight I
found out he was still with Emma Cummings and she is having his
baby. I lost the plot in front of Thomas and
Ben
’
s mam and dad. The cat
is out of the bag!
”
James
stood shaking his head. Oh God what was I going to do.
“
If Thomas
didn
’
t know what was going
on then he is a fool, I
’
ve
known for years. No one ever said anything so I
didn
’
t mention it to anyone
but I
’
m sure Thomas must
know too, you could tell mam, you and him were always
together!
”

James smiled
at me, and once again my exaggerated breathing started to slow. My
mobile rang. Bethany.
“
Mam,
Thomas is with me, he told me what happened. He is pretty upset so
I
’
m going to keep him here.
Are you ok mam? She asked.
“
Yes, just shocked, I didn
’
t mean to blurt it out, I was just so angry, he has made a
fool of me again
”
. I
replied.
“
Just
don
’
t get worked up mam,
I
’
m here if you need me,
don
’
t do this on your own,
promise me mam!!”
“
I
won
’
t, I promise, James is
here. I am more concerned about Thomas, will you keep an eye on him
for me please.
”
“
You shouldn
’
t have
to ask me that mam
”
Beth
replied. I clicked end on my mobile. I had messages.

Ben

Caz im only going to say this once it
isn
’
t what u think it is. Emma text me asking me to meet her. I
had only just picked her up when we had the crash. I knew nothing
about a baby until the nurse came in to tell me it is pointless
saying anything else coz u wont believe me and I
don
’
t blame u. my mam is 2 take away u really did it opening ur
mouth like that. U have 2 know that I love u and always will
x

Ben

No message

I had no reply for him. This was the end of
the line for us, there was nowhere to go from here. I had to be an
adult about it. At that minute my main concern was Thomas, at least
I knew he was safe and sound with Bethany.

James handed
me a cup of coffee and asked what I was going to do. I had no idea,
I didn
’
t have an answer to
give him. I shrugged,
“
I
don
’
t know James, I just
seem too make a mess of everything. I
didn
’
t want everyone to find
out about Ben like this, but I was so mad with him, it was out my
mouth before I knew it. We had plans, not for now, the future, we
were going to tell everyone when we were at our best, not by me
shouting the roof off in a hospital.
”
My chest was tightening and I knew another panic
attack was imminent. I leant over the sink and took great gulps of
air until I felt the palpitations start to slow.

“
Mam, if he
made you happy and you made him happy then there was no harm done.
I had a massive crush on Mrs Lemon when I was at primary school. It
started in year 2 and I still had it when I left after year 6. So
don
’
t talk to me about the
older woman thing
”
he
laughed. I nearly choked on my coffee. Mrs Lemon had been their
primary school head mistress, she was at least 15 year older than
me.
“
James you are such a
clown, I
’
m sure you had no
such crush on Mrs Lemon but I appreciate what you are
saying
”
I joined in his
laughter.
“
What about my
dad, did you love him?
”
James asked, this was a first, he had never really asked,
he had always seemed to be happy with the scraps of information one
of us had told over the years.
“
Yes I did, very much. We were just so young. Could you
imagine being married at your age with all the responsibilities
that go with it? In the end it just all got too much and it was
better that we lived apart rather than together. Do you think you
missed out not having him around?
”
I asked.

I could see
James was thinking hard.
“
No
I don
’
t think
I
’
ve missed out,
I
’
ve had you and my Granddad
and Grandma and Beth and Thomas. I even had Ben to a certain
extent. But I would have liked to get to know him. It just seems a
waste doesn
’
t
it?
”
“
I think
it
’
s your dad who is the
looser
”
. I replied.
“
You are all lovely, maybe one day
you can go and catch up with him. I know that you have at least one
baby brother and knowing your dad there will probably be
more
”
I went on.
“
Maybe. But the main thing is you
at the minute, mam. I don
’
t
want you to be poorly again
”
so wise on such young shoulders.
“
I
won
’
t be. I think my problem
is I
’
m talking too much now
aren
’
t
I?
”
I actually
laughed.

We decided that we had better call it a
night. I had a feeling that the next day was going to be eventful
and needed to have a clear head to get through it. I was surprised
that I fell asleep the minute my head it the pillow.

The visit
from Ben
’
s mam and dad
didn
’
t happen. I had
expected them to be banging on my door first thing the next morning
but it didn
’
t happen. I was
surprised because Ben
’
s mam
was a mouthy piece and I expected some sort of repercussion from my
outburst.

There were.
When Bethany turned up later in the day with Ava, she logged onto
her Facebook account and showed me exactly what
Ben
’
s mam had been
saying.