Somewhere Only We Know ....... (23 page)

At the end
of the night I walked home alone. Ben was sitting on the bench in
the back yard. My stomach lurched.
“
Did you have a good night?
”
he asked.
“
Yes, it
does me good to listen to other people’s
lives
”
, I laughed.
“
What you been up to? Where is
everyone at?
”
I went
on.
“
Just up the park and
around the shops, you got a house full, think James has about 10 of
his mates in, Bethany got a couple of friends with her and Georgia
is with Tom
”
. I sighed. I
couldn
’
t really be bothered.
I sat down on the step and lit up a cigarette.
“
I hate that we
aren
’
t like we
were
”
Ben said.
“
I know so do I but we have to be
sensible, this could ruin both our lives and everyone around us,
just look how miserable Beth and James were when all those rumours
were flying around. It isn
’
t
fair on them Ben and then there
’
s Emma, she gets really het up about our friendship,
she
’
ll be around your mam
and dad
’
s telling all and
then what will happen, I
’
ll
be tarred and feathered out of the village. And you will be laughed
at, your mate’s mam, howay Ben, think about
it.
”
I said.
“
I think about nothing else. I know
it won
’
t be easy, but I
can
’
t do it

without you.
I like being around you and you like being around me. Why
can
’
t we just stay as we are
and see what happens. We
’
ll
be careful, I don
’
t want to
hurt anyone or get you into trouble. I just know when you
aren
’
t around
I
’
m
miserable.
”

I was
shocked that he had put so much thought into it. He was as
miserable as I was. I should have stood up, went into the house and
locked the door. But of course I
didn
’
t. I stood up, ruffled
his hair and said
“
let
’
s just see what
happens, one day at a time, no promises, no plans for the future.
Let’s just enjoy now.
”
I
went into the house and he followed. He
wasn
’
t exaggerating, I did
have a house full. It was nice to lose my thoughts in the chatter
and music. I went to bed, just before I fell asleep I had the
greatest feeling of peace. He was back and my soul was whole again,
it was a lovely feeling.

We started
spending time together again. Bethany
wasn
’
t happy, her sullenness
was back again, I tried to ignore her, not sure if it was because
she liked Ben or didn
’
t like
me. We had always been close but I could feel the gap widening
between us. I didn
’
t know
how to fix it, well I did, Ben, I should have chased him. But I
didn
’
t, thinking things
would improve when she got used to us being together again. I was
terrified she read my messages and guarded my phone with my life
and that just made her more suspicious.

And of
course the inevitable happened, we started having sex. After the
finger sucking incident I vowed that I
wouldn
’
t touch Ben again. If
anything was going to happen it was going to be down to him. I
wasn
’
t going to seduce him.
When we found ourselves alone in the house one morning, he started
up the kissing thing. He made me feel like a teenager, I was back
to being a 13 year old with the fumbling hands up the jumper, but
that
’
s where his fumbling
stopped. As he rubbed my nipples he seemed to take on a maturity
way beyond his years. He undressed me, I struggled to keep my hands
off him, but I was determined not to and told him so. He
didn
’
t mind, he continued to
let his hands roam my body, he licked me tasting each part of my
body as if it all tasted differently.

I
wasn
‘
t embarrassed about my
flabby bits or my stretch marks, I felt the sexiest I had ever felt
in my entire life. When he eventually stripped down he was shaking,
still I couldn
‘
t touch him,
even when he whispered for me to suck his cock, I said I
couldn
‘
t . I let him guide
himself into my wet, very wet pussy and my life was complete. We
fit perfectly together. He was shaking and sweating and I
didn
’
t dare move. Slowly he
moved his cock inside me and the effect it had on me was immediate,
I was going to come. We lay looking into each other’s eyes, barely
moving and we came. Both our bodies shook in the minutes that
followed.
“
You were my first
Caroline
”
he
whispered.
“
You’re my
last
”
I replied.

Afterwards
we weren
’
t embarrassed or
awkward, it was like all the previous months had been building up
to this. It was our perfect moment. As I sorted myself out in the
toilet, I knew what I had said to him was the truth, I would never
have sex with another man. Even if I never had sex again, this had
been enough. Ben made me feel complete in every way
possible.

Downstairs he had made coffee and had a
cigarette lit ready for me. I looked at him and smiled. He was the
most beautiful man I had ever laid eyes on and if I had had any
doubts about how I felt about him, they had gone. I loved this 16
year old, as wrong and freaky as it was, I loved him and as he sat
over the dining room table, I knew he loved me too.

I was happy,
really happy. Of course I couldn
’
t show just how happy I was or why. Ben took to sex with
vigor, we managed to do it quite a lot considering we
didn
’
t have much time
together alone. As his confidence grew, so did mine and I got over
my fear of touching him. He was a man, he knew what he wanted and
how he wanted it done. It was fun, all the bad memories I had about
sex were starting to fade. I didn
’
t tell Ben about my past, it would have been too much, but
I was gradually starting to let myself go completely.

Ben had cooled it with Emma, once again the
rumours started. She came into my house with Georgia one day and
glared at me, it was unnerving, she might not have known what was
going on but she could cause some damage.

Scarlett
asked me one Friday night if there was anything going on with me
and Ben. I nearly died.
“
What do you mean?
”
I
asked her.
“
Oh just
something Charlotte said about people talking at school. Apparently
you are banging him
”
she
laughed.
“
Is that what
people are saying? That
’
s
awful. No Scarlett I
’
m not.
He is at ours loads and I give him lifts here and there because his
mam can
’
t always because she
has the twins, but come on Scarlett, he is 16!
”
I replied.
“
To be honest Caroline, I
wouldn
’
t mind being his Mrs
Robinson, it’s all the rage now you know, older women with younger
man
”
, she
chuckled.

Well
I
’
m Mrs Evans and
wouldn
’
t have a clue how to
be a Mrs Robinson
”
I
replied.

But it made
me feel ill. Why didn
’
t I
just front up I thought. It might have been easier having someone
to talk to about Ben, but no I lied, just like I always did. People
were talking about us, the village was small and word spread like
wild fire through it. Even if nothing could be proved, the gossips
would still have a field day. Why
couldn
’
t I just be allowed
to be happy I thought? I had waited for years and years for someone
to come along who would make me feel like this. Yes, he is young,
but he is with me willingly, I
haven
’
t kidnapped
him.
“
Oh
God
”
, I thought,
“
what if his mam comes along
banging on my door? What the hell would I say?
”
I am no shrinking violet, but I hated the
thought of confrontation, especially with a mam who thought I had
something going on with her son.

So my happiness was short lived. I felt
vulnerable, guilty and scared. Bethany was hardly talking to me,
she listened to conversations I had on the phone with my friends,
maybe hoping to hear some snippet about Ben, but of course she
would be disappointed, no one knew so I had no one to talk about
him to.

Because I
was distant, Ben stepped back too. In the back yard one night he
told me why. Apparently he was getting a lot of stick at school. I
thought it was about me but he shocked me by saying that all his
friends had one by one lost their virginity. To all intense and
purposes he was still a virgin, which made him smile, he had more
experience than all his mates put together. But he said the
constant ribbing was getting him down. I was so relieved that it
wasn
’
t me he

was getting
stick about so without really thinking about what I was saying I
said
“
Well you are just
going to have to go and do it aren
’
t you!!
”
“
You mean do it with someone who everyone is going to know
about?
”
he asked.
“
Yes, I suppose
that
’
s what is going to have
to happen
”
I said.
“
I
don
’
t want
to!
”
he answered.
“
Doesn
’
t look like
you have much choice.
”
I
replied.

When the
thought of what was going to happen sunk in I felt terrible. I had
told him to go off and have sex with someone else. All my old
securities returned. I was old and he was going to have sex with
someone who didn
’
t have
saggy tits and stretch marks. What if he preferred her to me? I had
made a huge mistake by suggesting it but I
couldn
’
t do a U-turn on it
now. Me and my big mouth.

Ben stayed
out of my way. I knew they were having a big party the day they
left school. Thomas and Bethany were going, I had even bought them
some booze to take. I knew that Ben would
‘
loose his
virginity
’
at this party, it
was too much a good opportunity not to miss.

So the night
of the party I drank too much when Scarlett and Marie came to mine.
I wasn
’
t drunk but I had the
nice numb feeling you have just before you get drunk. Scarlett had
been on a few dates with John, her stalker, who had turned out to
be really nice and normal. They were taking things slowly,
John
’
s wife had ran off with
his best friend and he had been really hurt, so it was early days,
but so far so good.

When they
left I tidied around. Bethany and Thomas
weren
’
t coming home and
James was upstairs in is attic bedroom with his friends. I got
ready for bed and just as I went to switch off the light my mobile
beeped.

Ben

I
’
m in the yard come out

I
wasn
’
t expecting to hear
from him, so I flung on my dressing gown and went into the yard. He
was quite drunk but not as bad as I would have thought.

As I got
nearer to him I realised he was crying.
“
What
’
s
up?
”
I asked.
“
I
’
ve done it, I
’
ve
officially had sex
”
he
answered. I didn
’
t want
details so I didn
’
t ask. I
lit us both a cigarette and sat quietly. When he had finished I
grabbed his hand.
“
You
can
’
t stay here tonight,
I
’
m sorry, but Beth and
Thomas are both out aren
’
t
they
”
.
“
Yes I know,
I
’
m going to go back, I just
wanted to see you
”
he said.
I got up and pulled him up with me. It was dark in the yard so I
wrapped my arms around him. Then he was gone.