Somewhere Only We Know ....... (9 page)

The rest of the family were great, me and my
mam and Granny went out shopping for baby things and as I got
bigger the nights when Keith was away I would go and stay with one
of them.

Keith still
got drunk, but I told him from the start that sex was off limits
and he seemed to accept that. On his sober nights he
wouldn
’
t bother me, but I
would often be woken up with him wanking himself off beside
me.

I
didn
’
t enjoy the pregnancy.
It was frightening. All the way through I thought that the baby
would die, or that when it was born it would have some kind of
deformity. Why did I deserve to have a beautiful healthy baby? I
was a bad person.

My due date came and went. Everyone was on
red alert. I did all the old wives tricks to get me going but
nothing happened.

Eventually I was admitted into hospital to
be started off. 72 hours later, battered and bruised from his
ordeal, Thomas was born and he was the most perfect thing I had
ever seen. I thanked God over and over and over again. How did I
deserve this?

We returned home and the house was full of
flowers and cards and gifts. My mam and Granny were on hand to help
and family, friends and colleagues from work all called to have a
look at my lovely Thomas.

Keith was a
doting dad, well he was when he had an audience. When there was
just the three of us he mostly ignored Thomas. He
didn
’
t change him or bath
him in fact he didn
’
t really
touch him.

Because of
Keith
’
s neglect of Thomas I
lavished even more affection him. He was a good baby, he ate and
slept well. My mam and dad doted on him and he gave my Granny a new
lease of life.

When my
maternity leave ended I could only have Thomas looked after 3 days
a week by the child-minder, my Granny offered to have him the other
two. She was amazing, she was almost 80 years old and she coped
with Thomas like a woman half her age would.

Going back
to work was hard, but needs must and after the initial parting
every morning I settled back into routine. Thomas was well cared
for and loved and I wasn
’
t
far away if I was needed.

Things
didn
’
t improve with Keith.
If I didn
’
t know better I
would have thought that he was jealous of Thomas. He spent nights
away from home, he schemed and he drank. With
Thomas
’
s arrival I looked at
Keith with new eyes. He was still gorgeous and he was charming and
he seemed to work hard for us, but he was also childish and
irresponsible, he let us down constantly. He fritted away his wages
away and any money he gave me towards bills would be withdrawn over
the course of the month from our joint account. I still had sole
responsibility for keeping a roof over our heads and feeding us
all.

While I had
been attending anti-natal classes at the doctors, I had struck up a
really good friendship with Scarlett. Her baby was due within days
of Thomas and as it turned out her baby, Charlotte was born 2 weeks
earlier than mine. We stayed friends after the babies were born and
often called around to each other’s houses for a coffee and a catch
up.

Scarlett was
a couple of years younger than me and we had attended the same
school, like me she was born and bred in Kinsley and had lots of
relatives in the village. She had married a local lad and lived a
couple of streets away from ours. From the beginning we bonded, it
was nice having a friend again, obviously I was guarded about my
home life with Keith but it was great for the day to day stuff and
baby talk.

Scarlett
wasn
’
t actually Scarlett
when I met her. She was plain old Karen Brown. Years later when her
marriage broke up and she decided that she would get back into
dating again she changed it to Scarlett, thinking it made her sound
more sophisticated. I howled with laughter when she told me and
told her she sounded more like one of my Nice and Easy hair dyes.
But she was adamant and eventually Scarlett stuck.

It was
Karen
’
s idea that we have a
night out. It was a good idea, neither of us had been out since the
birth of our babies. We weren
’
t doing anything too exciting, we were just going to go to
a pub in the village and have some food a couple of
drinks.

Keith was
going to look after Thomas, he wasn
’
t happy, but I assured him I would only be a few hours.
When I was getting ready to go out, Keith came into the bedroom and
insisted on having sex. It was like he wanted to put his scent on
me to deter any men coming near me. As I went to wash in the
bathroom he blocked the way and said I
couldn
’
t clean up. If I
wanted to go out, I would go out as I was. This became a regular
occurrence, if I was going out without him, then I went with his
come between my legs. It eventually got to the point that I was
turning down invitations for nights out, it just
wasn
’
t worth it.

When Thomas
was about 3 months old, Keith came in from work really drunk one
night. I was upstairs bathing Thomas when I heard him come crashing
in. I heard him shouting for me and I rushed to rinse the shampoo
off Thomas
’
s hair. I
wasn
’
t quick enough and
Keith came staggering into the bathroom. He was furious that I had
ignored him and before I knew it he smashed his fist into the
mirror above the bath. Natural instinct made me grab Thomas and
crouch over and protect him. I felt slithers of glass fly around me
and small stings in my head and shoulders.

It all seemed to happen in slow motion, but
it was only seconds. I heard Keith stagger out of the bathroom
behind me and I took my chance to run down the stairs with Thomas
into the living room.

Laying
Thomas onto the settee I saw that he had blood on him, through my
tears I rubbed my hands all over his body, Thomas was giggling
thinking I was tickling him. There were no cuts or glass on him. It
was my blood.

I dressed
Thomas and lay him in his pram. Walking to the mirror I could see
that there was blood running down my face. Slowly I ran my fingers
through my hair, tiny shards of glass were embedded into my scalp.
Thomas was sleeping, so I crept up the stairs. Our bedroom door was
open and as I peeped through I could see Keith lying on the bed, he
was flat out. On the front of his trousers was a dark patch, he had
only been there a matter of minutes and already he had pissed
himself.

I cleaned myself up, then the bathroom. I
should have just left it for Keith to sort, but there was glass
everywhere. There were a couple of cuts on my shoulder and lots of
small ones in my head, but there was no evidence of what had
happened.

As I sat and
cuddled Thomas, I rocked back and forwards. What would I do? Keith
could really have hurt Thomas. In his drunken stupor he had no
thought for his son
’
s
safety. I should have walked out of the door then. But I
didn
’
t. I stayed. I
didn
’
t want Thomas to be
part of a broken home. Things would get better, I was sure they
would. Once Keith realised what had happened he would get better. I
should have gone, because they got worse.

When I confronted Keith the next morning, he
accused me of lying. I showed him my cuts but he was having none of
it. You did them to yourself he said. Yes right Keith, because that
what I do, I deliberately hurt myself and blame you. My heart
hardened a little bit.

The
following months were a nightmare, but to the world outside the
house I smiled. No one had a clue what was going on. Maybe Karen
did, she often asked if I was ok? But of course I lied and said
things couldn
’
t be
better.

Keith
’
s drinking got
worse and now along with the drinking came the pushing and shoving
and slapping and kicking. But no matter how drunk he was he never
marked my face. My body was covered in bruises. As quickly as a
bruise faded a new one took its place.

Our sex life
deteriorated. I couldn
’
t
stand him touching me. But of course my no was never really a no,
it just meant that he could do what he wanted when I was asleep.
When Thomas was 6 months old, I discovered I was pregnant
again.

Keith lost
interest in me completely. He spent more and more nights away from
home. My mam and dad commented on how hard he was working, little
did they know. It wasn
’
t
work that was keeping him away from our home, more a workmate in
the shape of Anita. He didn
’
t really try and keep it from me. He would come home with
love bites on his neck and reeking of perfume. I
wasn
’
t interested, if she
was keeping him away from me then that was great, she was welcome
to him.

The nights
he was home he slept on the settee. We had invested into a lovely
leather one just before Thomas was born, but every morning it would
need soaping down. Where I felt pity for Keith and his problem, now
it disgusted me. As if I didn
’
t have enough to do with a baby and a full time job without
washing settees down and washing blankets or sleeping bags, along
with whatever else he was wearing.

I did all my
hospital appointments on my own again, I was once again tormented
with thoughts of deformities and dead babies. When I went past my
due date, I went alone into hospital to have my baby. Keith knew
what was happening and said to ring when I went into labour. My mam
and dad had Thomas and when the pains started they tried to get in
touch with Keith, but he was nowhere to be found.

So when Bethany was born, there was only me
to coo over her. She was beautiful. She looked so much like Thomas
but her hair was much darker and when she opened her eyes, they
were huge and the bluest blue. I was so proud of her.

Keith
eventually turned up at the hospital when Bethany was about 12
hours old. We were about to be discharged and he turned up just in
the nick of time. He took one look at Bethany and said,
“
well she
isn
’
t mine is
she?
”
I looked at him in
shock. What the hell.

We went home, my mam, dad and Granny were
waiting with Thomas and I once again sent up a silent prayer to God
for my family. My mam stayed with me for a few days. Keith did a
faultless performance of a doting father, but once my mam went and
we were alone, he reverted to his old self and ignored all three of
us.

I
wasn
’
t going to go back to
work this time. There was no way I could afford to have 2 children
with a child-minder and it would be far too much for my Granny.
Thomas was getting to be a handful and I wanted my Granny to enjoy
her Great Grandchildren not think of them as a chore.

I knew money
would be tight, but if I saved as much as I could while I was still
getting a salary; I was sure we would survive. It was when I
visited the bank to open a saving account for Bethany that I
discovered that all the savings we had had gone.
Thomas
’
s little savings
account had been cleaned out and the savings I had set aside for a
rainy day were cleared out too. Keith had taken the lot.

In the
middle of Lloyds TSB I went into melt down. One of the
cashier
’
s came around and
took me and the kids into a little room and supplied me with a
tissue and a strong cup of coffee. I
couldn
’
t believe that Keith
would stoop so low as to take
Thomas
’
s money.

Worse was to come, the mortgage on the house
was in arrears. I had taken my eye off the ball and look what he
had done.

I was going
to have to go back to work. All my hopes at being a stay at home
mam were out of the window. I was going to have to pay
child-minding fees but even the measly amount of wages I would have
left at the end of the month would be better than nothing. My heart
hardened some more.

So back to
work I went. The child-minder who had looked after Thomas before
Bethany was born was looking after both children full time. She was
great and I had no worries about them when I was at
work.

Keith was no
help. I got the kids up in the morning and ready for the
child-minder’s. It was me who dropped them off and me that picked
them up after a day’s work. It was me who made tea and cleaned the
house and put meals on the table and paid the mortgage and the rest
of the bills; Keith was a waste of space.

Still I said nothing to no one. I lived in
my little house with my two beautiful kids and to all intense and
purposes looked to be living an idyllic life.

But it was a
living nightmare. The drinking and the beatings and the night time
assaults continued. I was a nervous wreck. Keith now had a new
thing too, he was controlling me; little by little he began to
control every aspect of my life.