Something Found (19 page)

She pulled herself off the couch as if pulling herself out of a cocoon, unwrapping herself from the layers of blankets she’d taken shelter in. She’d managed to place her mother’s letter safely on the table before her complete breakdown and that was her new focus. She was determined and hopeful in a way she hadn’t been in years.

After a brief stop to the bathroom to clean herself up she went in search of the stationary she’d bought in Chicago. Buying it had been her agreement to herself not to lose touch with people from home. But of course she had yet to even take the plastic off.

She fixed herself a nice calming cup of tea and sat down at the kitchen table, pen in hand.

It seemed like years had passed, going backwards in time and then forward again. Emily was surprised when she put down the pen and looked up to see the light in the room growing dim. She felt like she was coming out of a trance. The words had spilled out of her more easily than she’d imagined they could. She told her mother everything. She told her how she’d resented her, how she’d blamed her for making her father go away, and how hard it was to have a cousin five years older than her play the role of both her parents. Emily was more honest about her emotions than she thought she could be. But she also told her mother that that was the younger Emily.

Emily apologized for blocking her mother out, for knowingly choosing to hold Jeremy’s hand instead of hers, intending to cause pain. And she apologized for all of her teenage years, which had been such a mess of emotions she hadn’t been sure who she was mad at. Half the time her anger had been at Jeremy for leaving her and the rest of the time she divided her rage between hating the world for taking him away and her mother for not being able to take the pain away. Those were the years that she’d spent hiding in her room.

She told her mother that it wasn’t until college, when she was able to escape the house and the memories and create a new life, be a new person, reinvent herself, that she’d found some peace. And she’d felt her mother’s life was better without her in it. Emily wanted her mother to be happy with Hank and she thought that as long as she was around she’d dampen that happiness. So she didn’t call, or write, or visit as much as she could have.

And in some ways she loved Ireland because it gave her the same freedom that college had. Nobody knew anything about her past except what she told them. It was her chance to start again.

But she didn’t want to lose her mother. That’s when the tears had started again. Emily knew that despite her contradictory behavior she needed her mom in her life. She hoped, now that they had both found some peace, that they could put the past behind them and start over.

Emily showered and dressed mechanically. She’d gone through so many emotions in the one afternoon she didn’t have anything left inside her. But she knew she wanted to get the letter mailed. It was all that mattered. The tiny envelope seemed to contain her future in it and the sooner she slipped it into the postbox the sooner her new life could begin.

It was only a five-minute walk to the green letterbox. She read the collection times and was disappointed to see that it wouldn’t be picked up until Monday morning but there was nothing she could do about it, the post office would already be closed.

Her hand trembled as she held out the letter. Her offering to her mother would soon be on its way over the ocean. Her fingers still gripped the precious white paper. It seemed too important to leave in someone else’s care. She paused, wondering if she’d said it all right. She’d been in such a hurry to mail it out she hadn’t even reread it. She started to pull her hand back, then, at the last second, let it fall.

She had to force herself to step away from the letterbox, wondering if she looked as shaken as she felt. It seemed that everyone should be able to see through her, to know what she’d just done, and how important it was. She moved on in a daze, willing herself away from all the words on the page she’d left behind.

Collin was already home when she got back. His tie was removed although he hadn’t changed out of his work clothes yet. “And where have you been?” he asked in a light voice.

Emily still hadn’t adjusted to this new Collin. He was happy. It was such a simple way to put it but it was true. There was optimism in him again. Before something similar to happiness had been there on Fridays but there was a desperate franticness to it as well. Now he sat calmly on the couch, relaxed, not so eager to get out to the pub, to have his first pint of the weekend and forget about work and everything else.

Without explanation Emily moved to sit down next to him and wrapped her arms tightly around him.

“Everything okay?” his voice became troubled.

“Not yet, but I hope it will be,” she answered enigmatically.

“Em?”

She liked that he stroked her hair. Without knowing what exactly was going on he was gentle with her. “I don’t want to go to the pub tonight Collin. Is that okay?”

“Of course it is.”

“In fact I don’t want to drink at all tonight. What I’d like to do is go for a really long walk. There are things I have to tell you.”

“Do you want to go right now? I can change-.”

“No. Not quite yet. Just hold me for a minute more.” She had a lot to unload on him, or it seemed like a lot to her. It was time to confess how horrible she’d been to her mother and how much she’d held onto Jeremy without telling anyone. It was time to be completely open with him.

And then, when they came home, she hoped they’d make love while completely sober, something they hadn’t taken the time to do in quite a while.

*****

On Saturday morning, before Emily disappeared into the shower, she handed the letter from her mother to Collin. “I don’t really want to talk about it.” She smiled shyly. “I think we talked enough last night. I just wanted you to read it, that’s all.”

By the time she came back into the room Collin was already dressed. The letter was folded up and placed back into the envelope, which was sitting on her bedside table. He looked at her inquisitively. “So you really used to talk to him? Jeremy?”

“Yes.” She had told him that last night. But as she’d had so much to say he’d stayed quiet, listening to her unload her troubles.

“And now?”

Emily grew shy. It had been easier to confess along with everything else instead of having it singled out. She wasn’t sure how weird it might seem to someone else. “I said goodbye to him yesterday.” Sadness crept into her voice. Regardless of what he thought of this information she couldn’t hide her emotions.

“Did you do that for me?”

Emily shook her head and tried to laugh. “I did it for me. I didn’t want anyone thinking I was crazy.” She stepped into Collin’s arms wanting to be held. “And I did it for us. I didn’t want there to be anything standing between us.”

“There’s someplace I’d like to take you today. Well two places really. You might want to wear a sweater and bring a jacket.”

It was the way he said it that kept her from questioning where. “Okay. Do I have time for coffee?”

“No. We’ll get that on the way.”

Collin parked in front of Ryan’s furnishings. Although it was open on Saturdays and Sundays he never worked those days. It was an agreement he’d made with Kevin ages ago. “I just need to stop in for a minute. Why don’t you come in with me?”

“Okay.” Emily was anxious to get wherever they were going but she guessed she could handle the delay.

He led her through the main show room to the back. Kevin was busy with a customer but he nodded a friendly smile in their direction.

“This way,” Collin said leading her through a door she’d never even realized was there.

They entered a huge room filled with furniture, all of it covered in plastic. It was obviously the backup stock to the pieces on display.

“Well. What do you think?”

Emily turned a confused look on Collin. She had no idea what he was talking about. Was she supposed to comment on their storage room?

Collin noticed her confusion and gently turned her. “I’ve only just started it. It still needs a lot of work, and the drawers and cupboard doors need to be made. Then a good bit of sanding and then to be stained. But you can see what it’s meant to be.”

It hit Emily then what Collin was talking about. There was a large cabinet in front of her, similar to the one they’d seen in the old cottage on the Aran Islands, meant to hold mugs and plates and whatever else. It was still unfinished but already Emily could see the time and work that had been put into it.

“Did you do that?” Emily was amazed.

Collin nodded, looking unsure of himself.

“Really?”

“Well yeah. Since I’m only really doing the books now I’ve spent the last week working on it for a good three hours a day. I was waiting for you to notice how dirty my clothes were getting but I don’t think you’ve done that load of laundry yet. Anyway it still needs a lot of work. That’s only the rough form of what it will be, but . . . well, I wanted to show you.”

“Collin that’s amazing. I mean it. It really is. If I could do things like that with my hands . . . .” Emily left it hanging along with her open mouth.

Collin looked delighted, his chest swelling up with pride.

“And did you enjoy it? Working on it?” Emily finally managed.

“Yeah. I really did.”

“He’s good isn’t he?” a voice said from behind them.

Emily turned to see Kevin. His eyes were admiring Collin’s work.

“Yes he is,” Emily agreed.

Collin drove Emily to the beach after that. They went for a long walk even though it was windy and he told her more about his mother. It seemed only right after all Emily had told him the night before. He also told her what he used to be like as a child and how much his mother’s death had affected him. They were all things that Orla had hinted at but it meant a lot more to finally be hearing them from Collin.

Then in the evening they drove back into town and met up with Laura and Kevin for dinner. It was the first time they’d ever done anything as a foursome. Emily was surprised by how comfortable she was with it. She’d always liked Laura but with the tension between Kevin and Collin resolved the whole atmosphere was more relaxed. Conversation flowed easily and it wasn’t just about work or American politics. They all had a laugh and by the end of the night they were making arrangements to do it again sometime.

Chapter 14

Emily was in good spirits when she met Orla at work on Monday morning. In fact Orla looked more the worse for wear than she did.

“Emily I know it’s only your second day but would you mind if I left you on your own for a while.”

“What happened to you?” Emily asked amused.

“My mom and my aunt, believe it or not. My aunt, at fifty-six, is having boyfriend problems and ever since I inherited their mother’s house instead of them, mind you they both already have wonderful houses of their own, they think they can drop in on me whenever they want. We were up ‘til two in the morning drinking wine.”

“Oh,” Emily said with understanding. “Of course I don’t mind. I’d tell you to go home if I was a little more comfortable with the place.”

“No. No. I couldn’t do that to you. I’ll just try to make myself as comfortable as possible sleeping on my desk.”

Emily gave her a pitying look as she disappeared into the back room. Emily had been hoping to tell Orla about her weekend and seeing Collin’s first start at making furniture again, but she didn’t think it would be appreciated so much at the moment. Instead she turned on some mellow background music and set some incense burning, as Orla had told her she could. Then she placed herself behind the counter and waited.

Half an hour later she was still waiting and starting to get bored. Her eyes had begun to drift over to the cabinet Orla had pointed out on the first day; the one with all the cleaning supplies in it. She smiled to herself as she gave in. It wasn’t quite like moving into a new house, but it was a new job. Cleaning just might give her that feeling that she belonged.

“Why didn’t you wake me? It’s half one. Just because I’m hung over doesn’t mean it’s fair to make you starve.”

Emily was back behind the counter again reading a small book on the benefits of meditation that she’d found in the shop. “I looked in half an hour ago but I just didn’t have the heart to wake you.”

Orla was looking around the place with the eye of a true small business owner. She knew her little shop very well and she could tell when something in it, even the smallest thing, had been changed. “You’ve been cleaning.”

“Well, yeah.”

“It looks amazing!” Orla walked around examining the product of Emily’s labor.

“Don’t expect this all the time,” Emily said without thinking. Then she remembered she was talking to her boss. “I mean of course I’ll clean again. But it’s usually only the first time I clean a place that I do it with such exacting detail.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever cleaned the place this well even when I was trying.”

“It’s probably not too good for me to do too often anyway. I get so into it I get annoyed when customers come in. Not exactly the attitude of a salesperson.”

“Here,” Orla pulled out a twenty euro note. “Your lunch is on me today.”

Emily shook her head. “I couldn’t.”

“Come on, if I wasn’t your friend and I was just your boss you’d take it. You’ve earned it.”

“Alright,” Emily accepted it grudgingly. “But does that mean you’re going to start acting more like a boss?”

“Emily I just spent the morning passed out in my office and left you to do whatever the hell you wanted. I’m lucky that you cleaned. Does that really seem like the behavior of a boss?”

Emily smiled. “Nope.”

“Now get out of here and enjoy your lunch.”

Emily was reluctant to go.

“What?”

“You might just want another minute to pull yourself together. It’s, uhm, slightly obvious that you’ve been sleeping.”

“Oh. Right,” Orla looked embarrassed. “Give me two minutes, I’ll be right back.”

Emily and Collin had already agreed not to meet up for lunch. Collin wanted to get some more work done on the cabinet and Emily had plans of her own, though she didn’t share them with him.

It wasn’t a long walk from Orla’s shop to Kennedy’s bar and Emily was walking quickly. She just hoped they had some kind of food to offer for lunch. She hadn’t considered that when she’d come up with this plan earlier and she was hungry.

There was the usual adjustment period for her eyes and then they settled in on him. Joseph was sitting at the familiar table by the fireplace. Emily smiled warmly as she approached and he returned the greeting.

“Hello Emily,” his voice was rich and welcoming, like an old friend’s greeting her.

“Hi Joseph.”

“It’s good to see you again.”

Emily’s smile grew. Ever since she’d mailed out the letter to her mother she’d wanted to tell him about it. Somehow she felt sharing the news with Joseph would make it more real. She wanted him to see that children could learn to accept their parents and their parents’ decisions. She thought it might make him more optimistic about telling his kids about his girlfriend.

“You look like you’re having a good day.” Joseph’s words took a minute to penetrate through the happy fog Emily was in.

“I am,” she answered with unusual force.

“Good for you.”

“I did something very important the other day Joseph.” Her voice came from someplace deep inside, as if she’d been waiting forever to say what came next. “One of the most important things I’ve ever done.”

“Wonderful. I always knew you’d become a Guinness drinker.”

Emily stared at him confused.

“Sorry Emily. I didn’t mean to interrupt your momentum there. Go on.”

Emily blushed finally getting the joke. Then felt foolish for all the buildup she was giving.

“No really Emily, I am sorry. Please tell me what you did.”

“I made peace with my mom.” The words came out more shyly now.

Joseph signaled to Frank. A slight movement, but that was all it took. “Then this really is something to celebrate.”

It was only then that Emily noticed the slightly glazed look in his eyes and the tiny bit of a slur in his words.

Emily looked in the direction of the bar. “I don’t know if I should. I’m on my lunch break. I have to go back to work.” But in truth she wasn’t sure if he should.

“Just one,” Joseph insisted. “It’s our way of celebrating after all.”

Emily relented wondering what had brought Joseph to this state. “Okay. Just one.”

Joseph smiled contentedly. How many times had those words been uttered?

“And your mam, how is she taking the news?”

“Oh, well, she doesn’t know yet.” Emily frowned. The conversation wasn’t as enjoyable this way. She wanted the all-knowing Joseph to be sitting across from her sharing this moment, not a drunken one. “But she will soon. I sent the letter on Friday. After I got one from her,” she explained. “I think we’re communicating more on those pages than we have in years of conversation. And I think we might even be able to talk like a normal mother and daughter soon.”

“That’s wonderful Emily.” His words were heavy with sincerity.

They made Emily uncomfortable and she was grateful for the interruption of Frank when the drinks arrived. She caught his eye before he left the table and he gave her a reassuring nod. He was aware of the situation at least.

“Slanté.” Joseph lifted his glass. “To you and your mother.”

Emily followed suit.

Joseph drank a large swallow of his Guinness and placed the pint clumsily back down. “Now if Collin’s old man would’ve just come clean everything would be right in the world. Isn’t that true?” He gave her a hard look.

Emily placed her glass down slowly and felt her mood slip away completely as the blood drained from her face. Joseph was scaring her.

“But I didn’t -. I wasn’t saying anything about you. I really just wanted-.” Emily started twice but couldn’t find the words.

“I know and I’m a horrible old spoilsport for ruining your day. But it just radiates off you, this need to have everything be right and I can tell I’m next on the list. Your emotions are written all over your face. And that’s good. It’s one of the things Collin loves about you. You don’t hide or pretend. Not like the rest of us sorry lot who keep everything in.”

“But that’s not why I came to tell you. I admire you Joseph. I, well,” Emily looked down wondering if she was being too American again, but she couldn’t help herself, “I love you. And I sort of think of you as a father figure. And I just wanted-”

“Cut the sentimental crap Emily,” Joseph said with a straight face.

Emily never expected he could be so hard. The urge to flee the table shot through her. Only the fact that she was beginning to shake and wasn’t sure she’d be able to make it to the door kept her in her seat.

Then he relented and managed a smile. “I love you too.” The warmth she generally equated to him returned to his face. “See. We can say it. We just don’t like to. But the point is you still want to fix everything. You want to fix Joni and Robert and Collin and his job and me and my family. But it’s not that easy. Things don’t always work out the way we want them to.”

“I know that.” It didn’t come out the way she’d intended. She was hurt by the conversation but it wasn’t hurt that came out. It was anger. “I’m not stupid Joseph. It’s not like my life is one big rosy picture. But what’s left when you give up? Nothing. So what’s the point in giving up? You have to at least try. Isn’t that the point of being alive?”

Joseph shook his head and Emily could see that all the fight had gone out of him. “So much like Colleen.”

“What is it Joseph? I’ve never seen you like this. What’s wrong?”

Joseph took another large swallow of his Guinness. “Martha left me.”

“What?!”

“She got tired of waiting around. Said if I couldn’t introduce her to my family I must be ashamed of her and she wasn’t going to stay with someone who was ashamed of her. Can’t say I blame her either.”

“Then why don’t you just tell your family? I really don’t understand.”

“It’s too late now.”

Emily was disappointed by this man in front of her. It wasn’t the way she’d come to view Joseph. He was strong. He took everything in stride. He was the kind of man you could lean on. He wasn’t supposed to give up so easily.

“I love her Emily. But she deserves someone better, someone who would say straight from the get go I’m in love with this woman, someone who would announce it to the world.”

“But you would now. Wouldn’t you?”

Joseph shrugged. “Would it do any good now?”

He looked so hopeless, so distraught. It was a look Emily knew too well and she felt a five-year-olds irrational anger coming out of her. She felt the desire to hurt him because he wasn’t supposed to be weak.

She caught herself before the words came out, before the tone she’d only ever used with her mother escaped her. “I’m sorry Joseph.” She placed her hand on his arm. “I’m really sorry.”

“Thank you.”

Emily felt the shift inside her. It was something more momentous than she’d expected. It meant more than writing the letter. Maybe it was becoming an adult or just more of a complete person. But she knew the peace she’d talked about five minutes ago wasn’t true. This was true. She’d almost allowed herself to carry on the resentments of a child, to behave like Collin still was towards his father. But she’d let go of that. Joseph was just a person after all. Nobody deserved to carry around the expectations of others all the time. Nobody.

“Joseph,” she said it as gently as she possibly could. “Joseph I’m sorry but I have to go.”

“Of course you do girl. Nobody would want to spend their time listening to an old man’s sob story.”

“It’s not that at all Joseph. It’s just that I’m working and I only have so much time for my lunch break.”

“Sure. Sure.”

“Look Joseph I’ll try to come in and see you again tomorrow. But if I can’t I’ll definitely be in later in the week. Will you be here?”

“Sure, where else do I have to go?”

“Okay. I’ll see you soon then.”

Emily caught Frank’s eye on the way out. He looked in Joseph’s direction and gave her a reassuring nod. He’d keep an eye on him.

There were two charity clothes shops that Emily knew of in Cork and she had every intention of making it to both of them before she had to be back into work. She knew she was being nosey. She knew this wasn’t any of her business but she really didn’t care. If Joseph wasn’t going to sort this out she’d have to do it for him. Her mother had lost the chance at years of happiness partly due to an insolent child. She wasn’t going to let Joseph suffer the same fate if she could help it.

This determination carried her through the door and into the first shop and then it abruptly left her. Exactly what did she think she was going to do? Drag Martha kicking and screaming back to Joseph?

She turned to the first rack of clothes she came to and started examining the items hung there without seeing them. As casually as possible she tried to look around and see who was working in the store. There were only a handful of people in the shop. It didn’t take her long to realize the sales staff consisted of a gentleman in his fifties and a girl who barely looked eighteen. Emily drifted back out discreetly.

She began to berate herself as she stepped back out onto the sidewalk. She had no plan just determination. Here she was playing amateur detective again. But she continued on just the same, this time entering the second shop more slowly, trying to look the part of a customer instead of a crazy person. She even browsed with some meaning, picking up items and seriously considering them. Then she spotted Martha.