So Much to Learn (47 page)

Adam and I both
looked up and I had to bit back a groan as I saw it was Micky.

"Hey, this
happened before," said Adam, not seeming the least bit fazed by his
band mate's sudden appearance. "I'm not late for a band meeting
this time am I?"

"No." Micky
actually seemed to send a genuine smile over at Adam and I thought
fleetingly that he actually looked quite nice looking when he
wasn't scowling or smirking. All even vaguely pleasant thoughts
about him fled however as he turned his eyes on me and I remembered
what I had promised to in order to be able to tell Matt myself. He
had probably sought me out specifically so he could torture me with
this 'respect him' business.

"Hi, Micky," I
said, trying my utmost to sound polite. "That's…um…a really good
shirt you're wearing." Out of the corner of my eye I saw Adam raise
his eyebrows in surprise and had to fight back a sort of hysterical
laugh as I added, "It really makes your eyes pop. And I mean that
respectfully."

At this Adam
burst out laughing but Micky and I were totally solemn as we eyed
each other. Micky opened his mouth, presumably to tell me that I
obviously had trouble distinguishing between respect and taking the
piss, but then his mobile rang. He snatched it out of his pocket
and turned away from the table as he spoke to whomever was on the
other end.

Adam, his eyes
still twinkling with mirth, leant forward and asked, "What was that
all about?"

I shook my
head, indicating with my hands that Micky was still close by and
that I didn't want to talk about it just yet. Adam looked surprised
but nodded that he understood. I picked up my now cold sandwich and
took a massive bite hoping to forestall Adam from pursuing the
conversation Micky had interrupted.

This turned out
to be a bad idea as a second later, when I was still chewing on the
mixture of bread and melted cheese, Micky swore loudly, slammed
shut his mobile, returned to the table and grabbed me by the
arm.

"Hey, what-" I
choked as he dragged me to my feet.

"Micky what are
you doing?" Adam half yelled also getting up and trying to push him
away from me.

"Go home,"
Micky said intensely reaching down, grabbing my bag and shoving it
at me. I clutched it automatically and found myself being propelled
out of the café by Micky, Adam protesting and following in our
wake. "Where's your car?" Micky demanded looking round the car park
and obviously not seeing my little car there.

"I don't have
it with me," I said, finally managing to swallow my mouthful and
turning to glare at Micky. "Let go of me."

"Fine, you'll
have to take her," Micky said, ignoring me and turning instead to
Adam who was looking entirely bemused.

"OK, but why-"
He wasn't allowed to finish either as Micky looked at me again and
said in a low, serious voice,

"You need to go
home. Now." He released me roughly towards Adam who put his hands
protectively on my shoulders and began to yell something at Micky
about him being an arse. I didn't really notice the commotion as
tiny icicles of fear were forming on my spine and I suddenly was
finding it hard to breath.

"Let's go," I
gasped, grabbing Adam by the arm and pulling him towards his car. I
ran round to the passenger side and got in, hoping that Adam
wouldn't waste time demanding answers. He thankfully seemed to have
caught some of my panic and got into the car and put it in gear
without any arguments. A second later we shot out of parking lot so
fast that there was a squeal of rubber and we probably left a black
mark on the asphalt.

"What's going
on?" Adam asked as we drove quickly through the light traffic
towards my building.

"We'll find out
soon enough," I told him curtly, not really in the mood to hash
over the details. "Just please get there as quickly as
possible."

We didn't talk
after that and, a few minutes later when we pulled up alongside my
car, he didn't object when I shot out before he'd even brought the
vehicle to a complete stop, he just followed me as I flew up the
stairs to my floor.

I fumbled with
my keys, so nervous that I was unable to find the right one and
then when I finally did find it I couldn't get my hands to stop
shaking enough to get it into the keyhole.

"Here." Adam
took the key off me and put it cleanly into the lock before pushing
the door open and standing back as I darted around him and ran into
the main room.

The scene was
as bad as I had feared. The place was an absolute tip, the dining
room table had been overturned and the chairs were scattered around
it as some dervish had whirled through our designated dining area.
The other thing I noticed was a massive dent in the plaster near my
door and the phone receiver lying in bits on the floor beneath the
hole. It didn't take a CSI specialist to figure out that someone
had thrown the phone at the wall and I was willing to bet that
person had been Matt.

It wasn't the
surroundings that disturbed me so much that I felt like I had
suddenly fallen into a patch of quicksand and was sinking fast,
however. It was the sight of Matt and Jack, the erstwhile brothers
and comrades, their faces scant inches apart, my brother with a
handful of Jack's shirt while it looked like Jack was trying to
push him away, that broke me and I screamed, "No, Matt, leave him
alone!" Before I could think through the repercussions that might
have.

Matt and Jack
both turned their heads to see me and Adam framed in the doorway
and I felt my eyes smart with tears at the hollow look on both
their faces. Matt's expression changed as he saw me, the mottled
ruddiness already visible on his skin going even redder and a
furious scowl twisting the mouth that was usually so ready to
smile.

That grotesque
look chilled me deeply and confirmed all the fears I’d had about
how Matt would react when he found out about Jack and me. I opened
my mouth to warn Jack but I was too late. Turning away from me Matt
suddenly yelled, “Bastard!"

He slammed his
fist hard into Jack's stomach, throwing him back against the wall
and not seeming to care that his best friend's head was smacked
hard into the plaster.

"Matt-" Jack's
voice was so agonised I wondered how Matt's heart wasn't wrenched
in two like it felt mine had been.

"Don't talk to
me!" Matt growled loudly and his fist flew out again, this time
catching Jack with a powerful blow across his jaw.

"Bloody hell,"
I heard Adam mutter before he brushed past me and forced his way
between the two boys. "Matt come on, mate," he said calmingly,
pulling at my brother and managing to get him to release Jack who
slid down the wall to slump on the carpet.

As Adam
propelled Matt towards the door and, therefore, me, I saw that his
eyes, so like mine, were gazing at me with the most hurt expression
I had ever seen. Knowing that it really wasn't the time to break
down, but having a hard time stopping myself regardless, I numbly
told Adam to take Matt down to the car-park and moved further into
the flat to gather up Matt's car keys and wallet. There was no way
Matt could stay here, he would have to go somewhere to cool
off.

Before I
followed Adam outside I knelt down beside Jack and gently cupped
his face on the side he had not been hit.

"Jack?" I asked
quietly. "Are you alright?"

He looked up at
me, his expression incredulous, his eyes holding limitless, intense
pain but I knew it wasn't from where he'd been hit. "It's going to
be OK," I whispered, my voice cracking over the fact that I didn't
know that for certain. "I'm going to make sure Matt's alright and
then I'm going to come back and we're going to sort this out. He
didn't mean to hurt you, he's just angry but he'll get over
it."

"Yeah," Jack
agreed hoarsely, but we both knew that we were just trying to
reassure the other. I bent my head and kissed him gently on the
lips, conscious that he was hurt and being very careful not to make
any of his injuries worse.

I wanted
desperately to stay there with Jack and let him comfort me with
empty words, but I forced myself to pull back and get to my feet.
"I'll be back soon," I promised him, hurrying from the flat and
down the stairs to the car park where I saw that Adam had released
Matt and was simply standing next to him, looking grave. When he
saw me exit the building he walked over and I smiled feebly at
him.

"I'm so sorry
about all this," I said fervently. "And thanks for diving in there,
I probably wouldn't have been able to separate them."

"No problem,"
he said in his usual easy way although it was obvious he was a bit
uncomfortable at getting caught in the middle of our little
domestic. "I can see now why you were in such a hurry to get here.
What did Jack do?"

I looked at him
in confusion for a moment and then realised that, of course, he
didn't know what had gotten into Matt up in the flat.

"I'll tell you
later," I said awkwardly. "Right now I should probably…" I trailed
off and gestured towards Matt who was now slumped against his car
watching us.

"Right, of
course. Be in touch, yeah?" Adam gave me a quick hug then went over
to his car.

As he drove off
I took a deep breath and started to walk slowly towards Matt. This
was not going to be pretty.

Matt watched me
walking towards him, his body tense, his bruised fists clenched
tightly by his sides. He didn’t look like someone anyone sane would
want to approach. Luckily all the betrayals, intrigues and
complications I'd caused over the last couple of months convinced
me that I was far from in my right mind so I continued to make my
way over to him.

Before he had a chance to say anything that would either see
me breaking down into floods of tears or turning into a whirling
hell cat of fury, I looked straight into his eyes and said clearly,
"Matt, I'm so,
so
sorry. It's all my fault."

Even through
his rage I could see that I had taken him aback. After all I wasn't
usually known for apologising off the bat and saying that I was
wrong before being backed into a corner and forced to realise it.
Little did he know that I'd had a bit of experience apologising in
recent times and the way things were going I was getting to the
stage where I simply assumed whatever I did was going to be
wrong.

Matt didn't say anything for a long time, it was as if we had
frozen and it began to annoy me that cars were passing by and birds
were flittering about and chirping merrily. It wasn't fair to rub
in the fact that life was going on quite happily despite how much
it felt like I was never going to be properly happy again. I would
rather the sky wasn't as clear as it was, that the sun wasn't
shining, that groups of uni students didn't occasionally walk past
on the pavement laughing and generally rubbing my nose in the fact
that
they
weren't
about to be ripped emotionally to shreds by their most beloved
brother. Still, what I would rather didn't seem to be playing much
part in my life these days.

"Do you have
any
idea how much you've screwed things up?" Matt said eventually,
his voice harsh and intense.

"Yes," I
answered miserably.

"Really?" He
sounded sceptical. "But you went ahead and rooted him anyway?"

"Matt!" I said,
protesting at his vulgarity but knowing at once that it was a bad
idea.

He took a step
towards me, his eyes flashing with fury. "Well didn't you?" He
demanded. "Or didn't you like the language I used? What would you
rather me say? Slept with? Made love? Screw that! I'm not
cushioning this for you, you jumped into his bed now you have to
bloody lie in it!"

"I know, I'm
sorry-" I began, trying to mollify him, but he cut me off.

"But if you knew and if you
are
sorry then why did it happen? Why
did I find out like I did? Why would you do it Talia? Are you
really that selfish?"

My eyes filled
with tears as I nodded and answered in a small voice, "Yes."

"That's not
good enough!" Matt shouted, slamming his hand down on top of his
car and releasing a little cloud of dust, testament to how rarely
he cleaned it. "You're 18, you're an adult now, and a few tears and
apologies aren't going to make things better anymore."

"Well let me
explain then!" I said desperately. "I need to tell you why I did
it, just listen to my side of it."

"Your side?" He
sounded incredulous. "Your side consists of lying on your back with
your legs-"

I slapped
him.

I couldn't help
myself. One minute I was desperate to placate him and the next I
just wanted to hurt the bastard. If I was supposed to know better
than to use tears and apologies to get out of things he should know
better than not to say the sorts of things I'd expect to come out
of Micky's mouth, not his.

My arm
reverberated with the force of my palm striking his cheek and my
hand started to tingle painfully, letting me know that I had put
all my strength into hitting him. I gave a weird sort of juddering
gasp and stepped away in shock. I'd never hit anybody like that
before, with the actual intent to hurt them rather than just play
fighting, and I felt awful.

"I'm…I'm
sorry," I stammered, my hands flying to my mouth and my eyes
widening in disbelief at what I'd done. Who did I think I was?
Bloody Scarlet O'Hara?

"So you keep
saying," Matt said dryly, turning away from me but not before I'd
seen the contrition and raw rage warring in his eyes.

A few tense,
weighted seconds passed in silence but then, when Matt still made
no move to leave, I found myself pleading quietly, "Please let me
tell you what happened."