So Much to Learn (44 page)

Still, the
shock at hearing him say so much was somewhat surpassed by what it
was he was saying. Where the hell was all this coming from?
Seriously, I didn’t realise that so many people were walking around
with pent up anger against me. Was I really as bad as all that? Or
had it just escaped my notice that the Prime Minister had announced
that it was 'say horrible things to Talia' day? Or should that be
'deliver home truths to Talia' day? It would depend who you were I
suppose.

"Fine!" I said sharply, pulling myself together for the moment
as I did not want to look weak in front of Alex. "I'm not perfect,
but just for the record, I never said I was and you want to know
something? Neither are you buddy boy, far from it. So before you go
spouting off at other people about how they should concentrate on
the screw ups in their lives take a long, hard look at yourself.
You think you're so cool with your bad boy act? Well it's getting
really old. No-one gives a crap if you can beat up a bunch of
private school ponces,
I
could beat up a gang of private school kids, it
isn't exactly a major achievement! Take my advice: grow
up."

Phew! I took a
deep breath after my little tirade and then turned away, walking
quickly down the steps, aiming to have the last word.

Alex obviously
took a moment to pull himself together but just before I rounded
the corner and disappeared from his sight he shouted, "Go to
hell!"

"Yeah, yeah," I
muttered to myself, my blood coursing excitedly through my veins
and my adrenaline whizzing so fast I was itching for another fight,
"same to you."

I was so riled
up, so angry that I'd been cast as the bad guy by everyone that I
marched back to the flat suddenly more than prepared to take Jack
on, to explain what had happened and to sort the whole damn mess
out once and for all.

I had had
enough!

As I stormed
along the pavement I imagined dragging Matt out of the pub and
simply telling him the truth and leaving it up to him to deal with
it. Maybe I could do a drive-by truth telling; screech up in my
car, scream that I'd slept with Jack and then roar off before he
could say anything.

I had walked so
quickly that I arrived back at the flat in about 15 minutes and
thundered up the stairs before throwing open the door and shouting,
"Jack we've got to talk!"

It took a
minute before I fully took in what I was looking at in the flat. It
seemed that my arrival had frozen the two occupants where they
stood. My eyes narrowed as I took in Jack and Haley, their arms
wrapped tightly around each other and their eyes startled.

Jack recovered
first, as was so often the way, releasing Haley from his embrace
but keeping one arm draped in a protective way around her
shoulders. "Haley was just telling me about what happened
downstairs between you and Micky," he said, his voice calm, his
eyes instructing me coolly to listen to him and not to overreact.
Boy did he know me well.

"Really?" I
asked, my voice coming out as a squeak with a slightly hysterical
edge. "She can't have been giving a re-enactment because I don't
remember there being much hugging."

Obviously
choosing to ignore that, admittedly childish, remark, Jack asked,
"Where did you go? You should have come back up and told me what
was going on straight away."

Was he out of
his mind? Firstly, I was not going to discuss it with Haley tucked
comfortably into the crook of his arm; and secondly there was no
way he could possibly think that I would have gone immediately back
up to him after what had happened.

"In terms of
the biggest 'should have' don't you think there are other things
that might come before me freaking out and going to Simone's?" I
asked rather cattily.

"Fine." Jack
was talking to me as if I was a stranger, a heavily armed and
possibly psychotic stranger, yes, but a stranger nonetheless. I
realised then that I probably still had a blood lust of sorts
shining in my eyes and was displaying my agitation at my flight
from Jack and my fights with Micky and Alex. Oh, and we mustn't
forget that there was the whole hugging Haley issue, I certainly
wasn't.

I made a big
effort to pull myself together and look a little less nuts,
relaxing my stance slightly and closing the door behind me so that
the whole building didn't end up knowing about Jack and me before
Matt did.

"We knew this
was going to happen sooner or later," Jack was saying. "And maybe
it's a good thing that Micky knows, it'll force us to do something
about it now rather than letting things get out of control."

"Out of
control?" I couldn't help myself, despite wanting to seem calm
those words did come out as a bit of a shriek. "Jack we are so far
beyond out of control, you must know that. Whatever happens we're
screwed. I've ruined everything."

I know I've
said it had happened before, but truly at that moment I think was
when the full implications of what was going on hit me. Matt would
turn his back and me and Jack once he knew. We'd both lose him and
for Jack that meant the only real family he had. There was no way
Matt would be understanding about it, look how irrational and crazy
I'd been and he was my brother for goodness sake, it was
genetic!

I felt like I
wanted to cry, but I'd clearly exhausted my supply earlier that
morning and so my eyes were dry as I collapsed back against the
door and hugged my arms around myself.

I heard Jack
come towards me and waited to be pulled into his arms like Haley
had obviously been not so long ago, but nothing happened. I looked
up at him and saw that he was resolutely keeping his strong,
beautiful arms by his sides and simply hovering near me making
vaguely comforting noises. Initially confused about his reticence
to comfort me properly I suddenly realised what it was that was
holding him back.

I had stupidly
(so, so stupidly) told him sheep and that I was uncomfortable being
with him and he was scared to touch me. I groaned at this further
revelation of the massive mess I had woven myself into.

"Is she
alright?" I heard Haley ask Jack, her voice doing that annoying
trembling thing she seemed to have down pat.

A girl when
feeling crushed and defeated should not have to be in the presence
of another girl with perfect make up and flimsy clothes which
didn't even show up any imperfections. It surely had to be a
law!

I closed my
eyes briefly against the vision of Haley pouting prettily and
moving towards Jack, but all I saw then was the image of the two of
them wrapped around each other which was obviously not conducive to
my mental health.

Snapping my eyes open again and stepping forward I said, a
little bit of malice shining through even though I'd have thought
I'd have exhausted my supply by then, "No Haley, she's
not
alright. She is tired
and ashamed and cross and being in the same room as you is not
helping any."

"Hey," said
Jack warningly, but I ignored him. I had reached the point of no
return and considering I was so clearly, royally screwed I took
momentary pleasure in the fact that, really, I had nothing to lose
in finally voicing my feelings about Haley, to Haley.

"You’re
insincere, Haley. You're always being so sickeningly sweet that
you're clearly taking the piss, and you've spent all the time I've
known you sucking up to the boys in the vain hope that they'll look
past your shallowness and be your friend because you're pretty. You
flirt obviously and badly with all of my guy friends but ignore
Simone and I if it is just us girls, and you pretend you like
football when you clearly have no idea what's going on." I searched
for a moment for something else that annoyed me about Haley and
ended up finishing with, "And your clothes are inappropriate for
the weather conditions."

I had gone too
far, way, way too far and I felt like a total cow…again. I wanted
to invent a time machine and go back and start this whole messy day
again. I would give Jack a friendly hug to congratulate him on
winning the scholarship so nothing would have happened between us,
then Micky wouldn't have seen anything, I wouldn't have gone and
had a blow up with Alex and, finally, I wouldn't have just
completely ripped into someone who was basically an innocent in the
whole mess.

"Ignore her,
Haley," Jack instructed her steadily in a calm tone I knew he
wasn't going to use when he turned his attentions to me. "No-one
thinks those things about you."

"No, it's
alright," Haley said, taking a deep breath and blinking back tears.
"But I think I'll go home now if that's OK." And so saying, and
with her head held high even as her bottom lip trembled, she
skirted round Jack and me and left the flat.

Jack shook his
head as the door closed, looking at me with eyes full of accusation
and contempt. He went to follow her, but I put out an arm to stop
him, knowing that it was my job to go and apologise to Haley, not
his.

"Let go of me,"
Jack said, his voice low and dangerous and I felt the hairs along
my arms rise up as goosebumps covered my skin. He wasn't going to
let me get away with my rudeness this time, that much was
obvious.

"I'll go," I
said quietly, "I need to say sorry."

Jack pulled away and suddenly all his restraint seemed to
shatter and fall away and the next second he was shouting at me
like I'd never seen him shout before. "Damn right you need to say
sorry! Just because you're having a bad day does not, do you hear
me, does
not
mean
that you can speak to people like that."

"I know," I
said in a little, miserable voice, knowing that I deserved his fury
but not liking it all the same. It seemed so unreal that not so
long ago we had been kissing passionately; things can change so
quickly.

"Do you?
Because it seems to me that recently you've done nothing but treat
people as if they are pathetic nothings, as if your feelings reign
supreme and everyone should just take what you deal out." Jack's
voice tightened slightly as he added, "Come on now, it's not you
Tally, at least it never used to be."

"I know," I
said again. "I'm ashamed of myself and I'm going to try and be
better." Jack gave me a look which quite clearly said: 'You
better.' "I'll start by apologising to Haley." I put my hand on the
doorknob to go and do just that but then turned, finding myself
asking, "Should I take the bra down with me, kill two birds and all
that?"

OK, I know that
I'd just said I would be better and here I was fishing to see
whether the absolute worst thing had happened on the 19th and Jack
had slept with Haley. But, in my gut, I didn't think he had, it was
too profound a betrayal and even blind drunk I don't think Jack
would be capable of hurting me that deeply. Still, his constant
protectiveness of her and now that hug…I had to check otherwise I
would always wonder.

"What?" Jack
asked in some frustration, obviously unable to follow my train of
thought.

"I'm not trying
to be a bitch about it," I said hastily, "I just, um, thought that
if that blue, lacy bra is Haley's I could take it back down to her
now."

Jack's face cleared of confusion momentarily and then clouded
again, "Oh
that
!"
He said, pulling a strange face. "When did you see that? Never
mind, it's not Haley's, it's mine."

I looked at him
for a long moment then shrugged saying, "OK, I'm not even going to
ask." I was trying to make a joke out of it but seriously, 'it's
mine'? What kind of stupid excuse is that?

Jack was still
looking at me weirdly and I could see the last flickers of anger
still present in his startling eyes. "What do you think, Talia?" He
asked slowly. "That I had sex with some girl and brought the bra
home as a trophy? That I would leave it lying around deliberately
to make you upset, is that what you think?"

"No," I protested, not liking the menacing expression he wore.
"It was more like I thought that you'd had sex here and she'd left
it by accident." Seeing his expression darken further I added
hastily, "And you wouldn't use it to upset me
deliberately
it was just on the floor
and you weren't really in the state to be able to do much tidying
up," I finished, referring to his very hungover state on the
morning of the 20th.

I was almost
too afraid to look at Jack after I'd finished speaking because I
could tell by the vibe in the room that he was furious again. As I
finally raised my eyes to his he gave an odd little laugh,
completely devoid of good humour and grabbed my hand covering the
doorknob, pulling me away from the door.

"Right, that's
it!" His voice was harsh and sharp as he pulled me close to him
then released my hand almost disgustedly. "Lay it all out then, all
the things you think I've done, all the lies you think I've told.
Jesus! After everything that's happened, our childhood together as
well as the stuff from the last couple of months, you still think
that I would bring a woman back here now? Well, thanks, thank you
so much." His sarcasm bit deeply within me and my head throbbed
with the force of his words and how badly I'd obviously hurt
him.

"What was I
supposed to think?" I managed to retaliate even though my throat
seemed to be closing up. "In terms of evidence, a bra on the floor
and scratches on your chest together with your reputation for
mindless sex with a random girl on the 19th is pretty convincing
you have to admit. It really didn't take a massive leap to arrive
at that conclusion."

He stepped away
from me then, turning his head as if he was too disgusted to even
look at me. "Go and apologise to Haley," he said again, his voice
flat as if I had squashed his emotions when I accused him
directly.