So Much to Learn (46 page)

"As his best
friend's sister," I agreed, "but not anything more."

Wait a minute?
More? Did I want Jack as more than a friend? The answer came back
to me very quickly and it went something along the lines of: 'Of
course you do you bloody idiot!' Cue the lightning bolt cracking
the sky and waking me up!

I know it seems
utterly preposterous, but honestly, it was only at that moment that
I let my common sense collide with my emotions and I jumped as if
electrocuted. It was so much more complicated than I had ever
imagined!

I liked Jack, as in
like
liked! Maybe I even…no! I wasn't going to go that
far, that really was dangerous territory to start treading
in.

All the time
we'd been together I'd tried to explain away the tingles as nothing
more than a chemical reaction, excitement whatever, I'd made sure I
never really connected it to Jack. I was such a total moron, all
the signs had been there, I got jealous over Haley, I wanted to be
with him all the time and I was prepared to risk my mental health
and my relationship with my brother to be with him.

What if he
knew? Oh my God that would be too embarrassing for words, he would
think I was totally pathetic!

Haley was
watching me with some concern, I suppose I must have looked pretty
odd as those thoughts ran through my head. "Are you alright?" She
asked, "You look like you've just been slapped or something."

"Jack," I
murmured faintly.

"Ah." She
smiled knowingly. "You love him, right?"

"No!" I snapped
quickly. "Nothing like that. That would be totally stupid."

"Why?"

"Because!" I
struggled for a moment with the overwhelming swell of feelings I
was experiencing. "He's like family, he's my brother's best mate,
he's going away…ergh this really is horrible." I stood up off the
bed and actually found myself wringing my hands. "Look, I'm really
sorry, Haley, but I've got to go, I hope you'll forgive me for how
I've behaved towards you in the past. I really think we could be
friends."

"Yeah, I'd like
that," she agreed, although I could tell she was a bit confused by
my sudden desire to leave.

I was about to
go but, on a sudden impulse, I asked, "Hey why do you always call
me Natalia?"

"Oh when you
first arrived here Micky told me…" she began to trail off and our
eyes met in a mutual understanding of what a tool that boy was,
"…he told me you prefer it with people you don't know very well,"
she finished, shaking her head. "He was having me on, right?"

"Oh yeah," I
agreed before smiling at her once more and exiting her bedroom.

We weren't
friends yet, far from it, but I did think that with a bit of time
and an open mind on my part we could be at some stage. Preferably a
stage when there wasn't so much drama going on.

I skirted
through the main room of her flat, glad that I didn't run into her
scary aunt again, and pelted up the stairs to my flat again. Once
inside I ran into my room and rummaged through my bag until I found
my mobile.

There was no
way in hell I was going to stay in the flat that night and with
Simone refusing to see me that really only left one person who
wasn't first a friend of my brother's.

Flicking
through the address book I selected Adam's number and then moved
around the room packing a small overnight bag as it rang. I was
worried for a moment that he wasn't going to answer but eventually
there was a click and Adam's warm voice said, "Hey Talia."

I was so
relieved I sank down upon my bed and smiled widely.

"Hi Adam, how's
things?"

"They'd be
better if you hadn't left me all alone today, you cow," he said
jokingly. It took me a second to figure out what he was talking
about and then it clicked. It was a uni day! I'd had a lecture that
morning but taken it off to be with Jack when he found out about
the scholarship. Thinking about Jack and the scholarship made my
heart sink a little but I rallied enough to say lightly, "Oh I'm
sure you managed just fine without me." I took a deep breath and
ploughed on, "Hey I know this is totally out of the blue and
everything, but would it be alright if I crashed at yours
tonight?"

"Oh." Adam
sounded surprised and so he should, we were great mates but we
weren't really at the stage where we had impromptu sleepovers.
Still, he obviously heard some of the desperation in my voice as a
second later he said jovially, "Yeah of course you can. Is
something wrong?"

"No," I lied,
"I'm just getting a bit of cabin fever being stuck in this flat all
the time and thought it would be nice to hang out somewhere else
for a change."

Rubbish excuse
I know, but I really didn't have time to think of anything better.
It was clear he wasn't convinced but the sweetheart just agreed
that he got that way sometimes too and said he was on his way to
pick me up.

I approved of
this plan as I really wasn't in the mood to drive, I'd probably
drive on the wrong side of the road or something. I took the time
it took for him to come over writing a quick note to the boys to
let them know where I was and that I would be back the next
morning, and taking deep breaths to try and calm myself. I could
handle this. Tonight I would hide at Adam's and tomorrow I would
tell Matt about Jack and me, leaving out, of course, the
realisation I'd had down at Haley's. I didn't bother trying to make
plans for what would happen after that, there was no point, if Matt
acted the way I thought he would Jack or I or both of us would be
dead which rather neatly solved the problem.

Yes, I was
being a bit melodramatic, but it was better than actually thinking
about what would happen when I told Matt.

When Adam
turned up I was so glad to see someone not entangled in my mess
that I flew into his arms and gave him a big hug, unashamedly
hiding my face against his jacket.

"Hey." I could
hear the smile in his voice. "Bad day?"

"You have no
idea," I mumbled against him before pulling away and forcing myself
to smile reassuringly. "But nothing major," I lied. "Let's go."

And so Adam
took my cue and did not pry about my sudden need to escape. Instead
he took me to his place where we ordered pizza and made drinks (my
vodka lemon consisting of considerably more vodka than lemon) and
snuggled together on the couch. The TV was on in the background,
but we weren't paying attention, rather we talked non-stop covering
many topics and laughing a lot, although it must be said my good
humour was a little forced.

The sun hid
itself behind the mountains, the moon and stars came out as we
chatted and after that it wasn't long before the day's extreme
highs and lows began to catch up with me. I began yawning more and
more often and my eyes drooped. During a lull in the conversation I
must have drifted off completely, I was so warm and
comfortable.

It seemed only
seconds after my eyes had closed, however, that a noise woke me and
I jerked awake, confused for a moment as to where I was. There was
a pillow beneath my head and a doona over me which hadn't been
there the night before, and bright, greyish light was streaming in
through the curtain-less windows of Adam's somewhat dingy
apartment. I struggled into a sitting position and saw Adam looking
at me from over in the kitchen area wearing a crumpled T-shirt and
a pair of satiny boxers.

"Sorry," he
said with that cute grin of his. "I was trying not to wake you, but
I dropped the coffee canister." He held it up for me to see and
added, "Want some?"

I shook my
head, still a little disorientated. Then it hit me. Tomorrow was
today.

It was the day
that I finally told Matt what I'd done to his best mate, although I
knew it was what he thought of as his best mate doing to me that
was going to cause the most issues. I groaned and threw the doona
back over my head wanting to hide for just a few minutes longer. I
heard Adam chuckling and then his voice saying, "Got a bit of a
hangover have you?"

And yes, now he
mentioned it, I realised I had. Still, the thumping inside my head
was nothing compared to the odd thumping inside my chest; in fact
it was quite nice to blame some of the misery I was feeling on an
excess of alcohol the night before. Kicking back the duvet I saw
that I was wearing the clothes I'd worn all yesterday, well of
course! I'd fallen asleep on the couch and Adam was hardly going to
get me into my pyjamas.

Man I must look
as scungy as I felt!

Standing up and
finding that I was swaying slightly and my bladder was full to
bursting, I asked Adam whether I could have a shower and he nodded
towards a closed door.

"Sorry about
the mess," he apologised in advance and I laughed lightly as I
picked up my bag which contained a fresh set of clothes.

"I live with
two boys, Adam, it won't be anything I haven't seen before."

And it wasn't,
stuff was scattered all across the small counter and the shower mat
was a sodden mess, but for a guy who lived on his own, I thought it
was relatively clean. I went to the loo and then stripped off my
crumpled clothes and climbed into the shower.

The pressure
was rubbish and the temperature didn't seem to get above luke-warm
which made it seem to me that the shower was personifying how I was
feeling. Sleeping on the couch had given me a sore neck to go with
my pounding head and heart, I really must have looked a complete
mess.

I scrubbed
myself with the sliver of cracked soap I found in the shower caddy
and used the shampoo and conditioner I'd remembered to bring with
me to try and rub a bit of normalcy back into my body. It wasn't a
totally successful plan, but I did feel quite a bit more human as I
stepped out of the shower and grabbed an already slightly wet towel
from the towel rail to dry myself off. I dressed quickly in a pair
of beige cords and a black low scooped three quarter sleeved top
and stepped out into the main room towelling dry my hair as I did
so.

"Your shower
sucks," I informed Adam and he nodded the truth of it as he sat in
an arm chair drinking his coffee in jeans and a T-shirt, he'd
obviously got changed whilst I'd been in the shower.

I brushed my
hair and began twisting it back into two plaits on either side of
my head asking casually as I did so, "What time is it?"

Adam looked at
his massive over sized watch (why is it that men always have such
massive watches? Are they not able to see the numbers on smaller
watches or something?) and his eyes widened in surprise.

"Christ, it's
just after 11."

"Seriously?" I
fastened the second plait with a thin hair tie and gaped at him in
astonishment. Despite everything, I’d slept for a very long time.
Maybe my body had offered sleep to me as some form of escape. I
wished momentarily that I could pull a Sleeping Beauty and conk out
for a 100 years, that would solve things pretty conclusively.

Unfortunately,
reality was knocking insistently on my already sore head so I said,
"I'd better get back, Matt and Jack will be wondering where I
am."

"Can you grab
some breakfast at the uni-caf with me first?" Adam asked, getting
to his feet immediately, putting his coffee cup into the sink and
grabbing a jacket and his car keys off his table.

I thought about
it for a moment as I pulled on my black boots. I really should have
hurried back to the flat as quickly as possible, but my inner
coward pushed to the front of my warring emotions and I found
myself nodding. "But just quickly," I qualified as we headed out
the door.

As it was about
half 11 by the time we made it to the café, we ordered toasted
cheese sandwiches as a kind of brunch and he had another coffee
while I opted for orange juice, I was jittery enough as it was. I
was barely able to keep the small bites of my sandwich down as my
stomach was churning so hard, and I gazed unseeingly out of the
large windows we sat in front of rehearsing various ways to tell
Matt about Jack and me.

I was so
wrapped up in my thoughts I almost forgot Adam was there and so
jumped dramatically when he gave a little cough and began to
speak.

"Talia, I was
wondering something."

I looked at him
a little dazed and then nodded, trying to look interested in what
he was saying.

"When I first
met you you'd just broken up with that Brad guy, right?" I nodded
again, barely able to muster up the interest into where he was
going with that line of inquiry. "And I got that you weren't
interested in the whole dating thing then, but I was wondering
whether that had changed at all, you know since we started being
such good mates."

I froze, my
orange juice half way to my lips. No, no, no, no, no! Not now! Not
something else that I had to worry about!

I put my glass
back down on the table with a thump and tried to ignore the fact
that I'd just gone bright red.

"You mean me
and you…?" I let the sentence trail off, but it was obvious where I
had been heading.

Adam nodded,
his orangey hair flopping slightly as he did so. "If you feel like
you're cool with it then, yeah, I'd really like to go out
sometime."

"Oh." Well he
couldn't really have put it much plainer then that. Crap! I'd
already let him down gently once before, I wasn't sure I could do
it a second time and keep him a friend, but I sure as hell didn't
want to lose him. My brain whirred looking for something just right
to say but it was too exhausted at having been squeezed for what to
tell Matt. I was screwed.

I looked at
Adam and all that sprang to mind was the truth, I could give him
that at least, I was sick of lying anyway. "The thing is-" I began,
but at that moment someone appeared next to the table, casting a
shadow over our food.