Since He Really Feels (He Feels) (19 page)

I looked over at him. His eyes held concern for me. He had always put me first and made me feel like I mattered.

And in that moment, that was all I could focus on.

I leaned my head toward
his, desperately seeking some of the comfort I knew he could provide me. I knew that he wouldn’t let me down. I knew that he would be there for me and that I would feel better just having him close to me. Historically, I’d always run to him. This was my habit. He was my comfort. My lips moved toward his, and my eyes automatically closed as I inched my way closer to him.

I felt his hands on my shoulders, halting my progress.
“Whoa, Jules. I—” He cut himself off, and then he started again as my eyes flew open. “I can’t do that. I’m sorry.”

Oh, shit. What had I just been about to do?

Did I really just attempt to kiss another man on the night of my engagement party?

What the hell was wrong with me?

Pain. Anger. Sadness. Hurt.

That’s what was wrong with me.

I’d been looking for comfort, and old habits apparently die hard.

“Oh my God, Travis.
I’m… shit. I’m so sorry,” I stammered.

“I want to be here for you, but I can’t be here like that. I am with Lindsay now.”

“I know. I wasn’t thinking. Fuck. I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologizing. Forget it happened.”

His hands were still on my shoulders. I backed away from his grasp and stood, pacing the room.

“I’m just so confused. I don’t know where I stand with Nick. I don’t know where I stand with you. Everything is so fucked up and I don’t know what to do.” My voice got louder as I spoke until I was nearly yelling frantically.

He stayed where he was, watching me. The concern in his eyes had turned to alarm, like he didn’t know what my next move would be. His voice was calm and soothing when he spoke. “You and Nick will work past this. And you and I will be fine. Everything just takes time, Jules. You have to be patient.”

“I don’t want to be patient! I just want things to be the way they were before. I hate my new job, I hate Nick half the time,
I hate what’s going on with you and me. I can’t stand any of this anymore!” Now I really was yelling.

He stood up and took both of my arms in his hands at the elbows. He shook me gently. “Calm the fuck down.”

I took a deep breath. He was right, and me having a mental breakdown in his bedroom wasn’t going to help anything. I was a sane, rational person, and it was time to start acting like it.

“Sorry. You’re right. I’m sorry.”

“I already said it once. Stop apologizing. Tell me what I can do.”

I collapsed on the bed, looking up at the ceiling. “I’ve kept you from Lindsay long enough. Go be with her. Celebrate what you have.”

“And worry about you up here driving yourself insane the whole time? No thanks.”

“I’ll be okay,” I sniffled. I squeezed my eyes shut again, trying to keep the tears at bay. It worked for the moment. I threw one arm over my eyes.

“Can we talk about something that’s been bothering me?” he asked, the bed dipping next to me as he sat.

“Sure,” I said, not moving.

“What did you mean by your text?”

I sighed. “What text?”

He was quiet for a moment, and when he spoke, his voice was low. “The one where you said you didn’t know how to choose between Nick and me.”

I moved my arm and opened my eyes to look at Travis.

“What do you mean, what did I mean?” I asked stupidly.

“Are you still seriously considering something more with me?”

I sat up. “I don’t know anymore, Trav,” I said honestly. “When I sent that text, I meant that I didn’t know how to pick between my past with you and my future with Nick. I love you so much, but I love you in a way that is so different from how I love Nick. And then I got that email from you that said that I didn’t have a choice to make, and it hurt to know how fast you moved on from me. Every time I think I make a decision, you’re always there in my mind, fucking with my head and making me question everything.”

He thought about that for a moment, and then he took my hand in his. “It wasn’t fast, and it wasn’t easy. Getting over you was the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. The only thing that could possibly have helped me through that was finding the one person I’m meant to be with.”

“And that’s Lindsay?” I asked.

He nodded. “Yes. That’s Lindsay.”

The pain lanced through me like a knife twisting in my gut, but it was matched with a feeling of joy for my friend. It was strange at once being so disappointed at what could have been and so happy for him, and those paradoxical feelings only told me that I loved him enough to let him be happy with Lindsay. I had already arrived at that conclusion several times, and it was what I kept coming back to.

Suddenly I felt like I had cheated on Nick. I hadn’t, but thinking how I had almost kissed Travis left me feeling guilty. Just the thought that I had wanted to kiss him left me with guilt.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

“Yeah,” I nodded. “I think I am.”

“You want to talk some more?”

“No. I’m good.”

“Do you want to stay here tonight?”

“Yeah.
I think I need a night away, if that’s okay.”

“Of course.
Sleep in here. Lindsay and I will take the guest room.”

I was grateful to my friend, and for the very first time since I had slept with Travis after my break-up with Nick, I was certain that we were going to be okay. We were going to get back to the place we had once been. Maybe things would never be exactly the same, but we both had new people in our lives who depended on us and who we could depend upon in return.

“Want to join us for a movie?” he asked.

I kind of wanted to just for the distraction, but I shook my head. I wanted Travis and Lindsay to have their time together.
“No, thanks. I’m really tired.”

He stood and pulled me up with him, and he hugged me one last time.

“Thank you, Travis,” I whispered.

“Anything for you, Jules,” he said, tucking some hair behind my ear. He kissed my forehead and left me alone.

CHAPTER 22

TRAVIS MILLER

Lindsay was still in my arms when I woke up the next morning, and while my parents may have had something to say about that, I didn’t care. I was a grown man, and frankly I was over their conservative rules.

Besides, someone else had spent the night in my bed.

How fucking awkward was that?

When her lips started moving in toward mine, I knew it was all wrong. I knew I didn’t want to kiss her even though there had been countless nights I’d dreamt about that very thing.

When I was in my bedroom talking with Jules, all I could think about was that she wasn’t Lindsay. All I could think about was how I hadn’t even known what real love was until the moment I realized I was in love with Lindsay.

I knew Jules was acting out of desperation. It wasn’t about her and me and starting fresh. It was about the fact that she was hurting and it was a habit for her to turn to me for comfort. Maybe it was even about her striking out to piss off her fiancé, but I couldn’t give her the type of comfort she was seeking. What I had with Lindsay was serious, and now that I had the opportunity to see her interact with my family, I realized how serious it was.

She was part of my family now. I watched her with my nephews, and Parker and Jackson loved her. I could see the joy in her eyes as she played with the kids, and I knew that someday she would be the best mother on the planet. And I wanted to be by her side, allowing her to shape me into the kind of father I’d always dreamed of being.

The house was still when I woke, Lindsay breathing deeply next to me. I rolled over, careful not to disturb my sleeping beauty, and walked down the hall. I glanced out the front window and saw Julianne pulling away, and an odd weightless feeling took over my senses.

Relief.

She was gone.

I bypassed my bedroom, thinking back to the night before when I’d accidentally confessed to Lindsay that Jules had nearly kissed me.

I had just joined her back on the couch to watch the movie, and I could tell she wasn’t hitting the Play button until I explained everything.

Fucking women.

“What the hell does she want?” Lindsay whispered.

I rolled my eyes. “She and Nick are fighting.”

“Should I go talk to her?”

I laughed.
Loudly.

“Uh, no.
I don’t think so.”

She narrowed her gaze at me. “You don’t have to be mean about it.”

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you. I just don’t think that would be a great idea.”

“Why not?”

“Didn’t you just tell me you wanted to kick her teeth in?”

She nodded.

“Well after the way she just tried to kiss me, I don’t think—”

“What?” she screeched.

Oops.

Fuck.

I wasn’t thinking. It just slipped out of my mouth.

She stood up from her seat on the couch and started pacing.

It was funny that she had nicknamed
me
“Tiger,” because she was walking back and forth in front of me like a damn caged tiger herself.

“Seriously?”

I shrugged, trying to play it off.

“Seriously?
She really tried to kiss you?”

“Lower your voice.”

“No! She came over to
your
house to kiss
you
while your
girlfriend
is sitting on the couch waiting for you? That’s fucking horseshit, Travis!”

“Dude.”

“What?”

“Lower your fucking voice. You were the one worried about my parents catching us kissing, but you don’t care about swearing and throwing a fit?”

She glared at me and then pointed at me. “Outside. Now.”

I followed her out, rolling my eyes at her back.

Before she had a chance to start yelling at me again, I spoke first. “Can we not do this?”

“Travis, you just told me that your ex who you loved up until about a minute ago tried to kiss you and you want me to just let that slide?”

“Yes?” I said it like a hopeful question.

No such luck. She exhaled a very noisy and frustrated breath.

“Lindsay, listen to me when I say this. I fucking love you. I pushed her away because the only woman I want to kiss is this crazy jealous woman standing in front of me.”

I saw her start to soften.

“I’m yours. Only yours. Okay?”

She softened further,
and then she sighed. Loudly. A small smile eventually turned up her lips.

“Only mine?”

I nodded and took a step closer to her. “I know this just started, but I’m pretty sure I’m yours forever.”

“And you pushed her away?”

“I will push every single woman on earth away to get to you, Gorgeous.”

“I love you, Tiger,” she whispered.

“Right back at you,” I smiled, and then my mouth found hers and I managed to find a way to convince her that fighting wasn’t the answer… but fucking just might be.

CHAPTER 23

JULIANNE BECKER

I snuggled under Travis’s blankets, finding that it smelled like him. It was comforting and familiar, and even though I missed Nick and was anxious about how we were going to get our relationship back on track, I suddenly felt like everything was going to work out.

I slept well there in Travis’s bed, and when I woke, I had those awful feelings of guilt. I spent the night in another man’s bed, a man who Nick would be furious that I ran to after our fight.

A man who I attempted to kiss the night before.

And then, amidst the pile of guilt that I felt burying me, I remembered that I had consumed several glasses of wine the night before, and I still didn’t fully believe in the accuracy of the negative reading on
the test Lucy had forced me to take. All that memory did was fuel my guilt until I felt like I was suffocating under its weight.

I took a deep breath, holding the air in my chest for a moment before letting it out. That helped somewhat, but I knew I had to go home and face Nick. I knew I had to deal with what I had done, and I knew that I couldn’t keep these secrets from him anymore. How could I ask him to be honest with me when I wasn’t being honest with him? I had to tell him about the pregnancy scare, and I had to tell him about the attempted kiss.