Since He Really Feels (He Feels) (21 page)

“Why is your instinct always to run to him?”

“Same reason it’s your instinct to run to fucking work,” I shot back, thinking more specifically that he ran to work where Bree happened to be on a Saturday morning.

This bickering was getting us nowhere.

“There’s more,” I said.

He leveled his gaze at me.

I wasn’t sure how to say it. To tell him that I attempted to kiss Travis sounded so stupid, but it was my own mistake, and in the interest of
honesty, I knew I couldn’t avoid it.

“We almost kissed.”

His elbows rested on the arms of his chair, and he folded his hands in front of his mouth, his two pointer fingers in the air, grazing against his lips. His gaze never left my face, but his eyes remained detached.

“Who initiated it?” he finally asked, and
as I stared back at him, I knew he knew the answer.

“Does it matter?” I asked warily, averting my eyes from his.

“It sure the fuck does.”

I felt his gaze pinning me to my chair, so I finally met his eyes. My cheeks flushed as I spoke, and my voice started getting louder and louder. “I did.
Alright? I fucking did. I was pissed off at you and I wanted someone to comfort me. I wanted someone who has never let me down.”

“That’s a little idealistic, don’t you think?”

“No, I don’t. I can’t think of a single time Travis has let me down in my entire life.”

“Oh really?” he asked sarcastically, a sneer flashing across his features. “That’s interesting, because I think it was a pretty big letdown for him to fuck you when you were at your lowest point. I think it was a pretty big letdown to confess his lifelong love to you when you were fucking heartbroken. I think it was a pretty big letdown when he fucking moved to San Diego to get away from you, or when he wouldn’t pick up his fucking phone because he was too selfish to be happy for you when you got engaged to another man. But maybe I’m wrong.”

Every example he gave was like a knife stabbing into my gut, but he was right.

He was one hundred percent right.

I had spent the last several weeks idealizing my entire history with Travis simply because I could no longer have him. I thought back to the night he’d confessed his love to me. I had been heartbroken over Nick, and I knew that my feelings for Travis were extraordinary and profound, but they didn’t transcend the lifelong friendship we had shared.

I didn’t know what to say.
I couldn’t defend Travis anymore or the friendship we shared because Nick was correct. I just hoped that my realization hadn’t come too late.

“You’re right,” I finally said.

He sighed. “I know I am. And I’ve already told you once, Julianne. I can’t keep having this same fight.”

“Then let’s not fight.”

“Baby, we’re engaged to be married. You have already said that you choose me. If you are really committed to making this work, we can’t keep fighting over Travis.”

It was the same conversation I felt like we had already had ten times, but there it was again. My choice was clear, and I had
promised Nick that I would dedicate my life to his. So I had to promise myself that I would stop running to Travis. I needed to run to Nick instead.

“Can we just start over from scratch?” I asked.

He was quiet for a moment, looking everywhere but at me, and then he finally met my eyes. “No, baby, we can’t. We’ve come too far. Starting over means erasing the good stuff, too, and I refuse to do that.”

“So the good outweighs the bad?”

A small smile graced his perfect lips. He nodded. “The bad has been pretty rough, but I fully believe that what we have is strong enough to get through it.”

I breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank God.”

“Are you willing to fight for us?”

“More than I’ve ever wanted to fight for anything before.”

He pulled my hand back into his and brushed his lips across my knuckles again. The feel of his lips sent a flutter through my heart. “Me, too. Let’s stop fighting with each other and focus on fighting for us.”

“I like the sound of that.”

“Julianne, I have spent so much time thinking about you and Travis since that day he came into my office to tell me what had happened. I hate what happened, but I’ve already told you that it was my own fault. I am trying to get past it, but having you run to his arms every time something happens just isn’t working for me. I need you to run to me. I need you to need me.”

I stood and crawled into his lap, wrapping my arms around his shoulders and pressing my lips to his neck. I breathed
him in. “Nick, I do need you.”

“Then start showing me that,” he said, lacing his arms around me to hold me against him. He pressed his lips to my temple, and we both quietly enjoyed the feel of each other for a moment.

“On that note, I have more to tell you,” I said, anxiety rushing through my veins.

He raised his eyebrows.
“About Travis?”

“Potentially.”

He stiffened in my arms.

“My period is late.”

I heard his sharp intake of breath, but otherwise he didn’t move. I felt the tension in the air.

“How late?” he finally asked, his voice strained. Neither of us had moved, and I wished I had pulled back so that I could see his face and look into his eyes. Instead, my head rested in the crook of his neck, and his head rested against mine.

“Ten days or so.”

“Have you been to see your doctor?”

“No. Lucy made me take a test.”

“Lucy knows?”

I nodded against him.

“What did the test say?”

“Negative.”

I felt him stiffen again, and I wasn’t sure if it was from relief or disappointment.

“Probably just stress. If you want to make sure, I’ll go with you to the doctor.” Something in his tone told me that he wouldn’t care whose it was. Something told me that he’d be there to hold my hand through it all no matter what. And in that moment, I fell a little more in love with the man I planned to marry.

“I’m scared, Nick.”

“About what, baby?” His voice was soothing, and I wasn’t exactly sure what changed. Maybe just the potential about what could be the future for us.

“That I’m knocked up with somebody else’s baby when I’m sitting here talking about fighting for us. And the worst part is that I have no one to blame but myself.”

“For one thing, if you’re pregnant, it doesn’t matter who it belongs to. I will be with you the whole way through. And second, not one of us is innocent, Julianne. I did something stupid, Travis reacted foolishly, and you did what you did. Whatever happens, we’ll face it together.”

My heart swelled as I finally pulled back and looked at the wonderful man who held me in his arms. I pressed my lips to his. “Thank you,” I mumbled against his mouth.

He pressed a hand gently to my belly in reply and kissed me hungrily. He finally pulled back. “You took a test and it was negative. But if there’s a little one in here, all I can do is pray that it’s mine. I already know I’m spending forever with you. I already know that we’re going to have kids together someday. Maybe this is just a jumpstart on our future.”

I knew I shouldn’t have been based on our history together, but I was shocked by the love he showed for me. I couldn’t believe that he’d be willing to overlook my serious indiscretion just because he loved me so much and wanted to make a life with me.

I had almost decided not to tell him at all until I was certain one way or the other, but it felt like a giant weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Just knowing that he would be here to support me no matter which way this turned out was enough for me.

“Let’s get out of here,” he whispered. “Let’s go home and spend the day making up for lost time.”

CHAPTER 24

JULIANNE BECKER

Monday morning found us back at the office. We had spent the rest of the weekend, as Nick so eloquently put it, making up for lost time, and Monday morning greeted me with horrendous cramps and a terrible headache.

Turns out I wasn’t pregnant after all.

I was relieved. As much as I wanted children someday, I always pictured being pregnant with my husband by my side, and while I now knew that Nick would be by my side no matter what, I never pictured being pregnant with another man’s child while a different man stood beside me.

But it was more than just that. As much as I had wanted Travis to
be a part of my life forever, I was focusing on Nick and making things right between us. Everything else would fall into place. And even though we’d spent a good chunk of the weekend making things right, he still hadn’t confessed the secrets of his past.

When I had stopped him and told him that I would wait, I didn’t think he’d actually make me wait.

Nick wanted to start the week with a Monday morning team meeting to touch base for our projects for the week, so we were sitting in his office at our meeting as I sipped from a hot cup of coffee at the same time Nick lifted his own cup of coffee in the air in a mock toast to me before lifting the cup to his lips. Our eyes met and he winked at me. I grinned as I thought about two private jokes we shared.

First was the fact that Nick’s paperwork and iPad were spread out over the
table where my naked ass had rested just two days earlier when I’d met him in his office. Now that I thought about it, I was certain that Bree had to have heard us in there. As embarrassing as sex sounds through the walls could be, I sincerely hoped that she had heard us. It had been hot and passionate, the kind of sex where we devoured one another simply because we couldn’t keep our hands off of each other. I wanted her to know that he was happy and he was taken, and what drove that message home more than hearing Nick fuck his fiancée through the office walls?

The second private joke was the coffee we were both drinking.
I thought back to all of the times we had met in the kitchen at McMillan to share a quick coffee break. I hadn’t known that Nick didn’t even drink coffee and that he was only doing it so that he could have a moment alone with me. And now it was my fault that he was addicted to caffeine. 

I was sitting next to Nick, who was at the head of the table. Bree, of course, sat on his other side, and when his knee accidentally brushed mine, I wondered if his other knee was accidentally brushing hers. The thought irritated me, but I was also within the first day of my period, so I hoped I was overreacting due to being extra emotional.

But then again, this was Bree we were talking about. I watched as she not-so-accidentally touched Nick whenever she could; a light hold on the arm or a brush of his shoulder or a press of her fingers against his hand. I watched as she flipped her hair over her shoulder and gazed at him with lust.

I was in a fight for my man kind of mood, but I also knew that I had to maintain professionalism.

We each went around the table and discussed our current projects and shared ideas and comments. Cash went first, and each member of the team went around the table. Cash was next to Bree, so Bree would be last. Kaylee, Christine, Jace, Derrick, and Autumn all spoke, and then it was my turn.

I had just finished discussing the social networking ideas I had for a marketing plan due by the end of the week when Bree interjected with a snide remark. “Aren’t those ideas a little outdated?”

Of course the stupid bitch would try to make me look bad in front of Nick. But I had an ace in the hole this time.

“Nick and I didn’t think so when we came up with the plan together this weekend at home,” I said with sugary sweetness as I shot a huge, fake smile her way. “Did we?” I asked, touching Nick’s arm in my best imitation of Bree.

She glared at me from across the table as Nick eyed me warily. He knew I was staking my claim, but I didn’t care. I was more concerned that
she
knew I was staking my claim.

“No. In fact, the
Pinterest ideas were Julianne’s, but the Twitter hash tags were all mine,” he confirmed. “Which part did you think was outdated, Bree?” he asked, turning his attention to her. His knee found mine beneath the table, and neither of us moved. I knew that was his silent way of calming me down and making sure I knew that I had nothing to worry about.

“Nothing,” she mumbled. “It’s fine.”

“Alright,” he said. “Bree you’re up.”

Her cheeks flushed and then she launched into an explanation of her biggest project that had a looming due date. When she wrapped up her discussion, she ended with, “Nick, I could really use your expertise on the final plan. Would you have some time today or tomorrow to go over it with me?”

Nick flipped through his calendar on his iPad. “I’m booked through Thursday,” he said. She started to open her mouth to protest, but he interrupted her. “Kaylee and Derrick can help you. Email the finished draft to me forty-eight hours before it’s due and I’ll send you feedback when I can.”