Shy Kinda Love (16 page)
Authors: Deanna Eshler
Chapter 25
I need to finish this story. I am exhausted and my anxiety is bubbling over from wondering where Kade and I go from here. Still wrapped in Kade’s arms, I pick up where I left off.
“So after my dad left the room, the creep leaned back down, put his mouth to my ear, and told me this was going to be the best sex of his life. He had both my hands held above my head with one hand and he was moving his other hand up under my shirt.” I try to go on, distancing myself from the story. “He continued to move his hand up my chest, which was smashed against the mattress. He leaned in and tried to kiss me. I bit his lip and tasted blood. He started swearing, telling me all the shit he was going to do. He pulled his hand out of my shirt and pulled my hair from behind. I was crying full-out now, I couldn’t hold back. He pulled my head off the bed and had his face in mine as he spewed his hate: ‘Go ahead and cry, that’s just what I need to make this the perfect night,’ he said.” I pause, trying to slow my breathing.
Kade has one hand at the back of my head, holding tight, and his lips pressed to the top of my head. I know I should stop—he doesn’t deserve to hear all of the horrible details—but I can’t stop. It feels so good to finally say it out loud. Make it real.
“I knew it didn’t matter what I did or said, this guy was going to take what he wanted, as rough as he wanted. And so I decided I was going to fight. For the first time ever, I was going to fight. As he adjusted, to remove his own pants and mine, he had to let go of my hands. I didn’t hesitate; I shoved him and moved to my nightstand. Although I’d never fought back, I had dreamed many times of fighting, and so I had a knife stashed. I opened the drawer and pointed the knife at him. I told him to stop or I would use it.”
I pause, trying to separate the truth from what I can tell him. Kade has me wrapped so tight in his arms and he’s rocking me slightly. Noticing I stopped, Kade kisses me on top of my head and asks if I need to be done. I shake my head. “No, I just needed to breathe.” He loosens his embrace so he can lean back a little. With one hand he holds my chin and lifts it so my eyes meet his “You don’t have to finish. If you want me to hear the rest, I will listen, but you do not have to finish.”
I shake my head again. “I’ve come this far, Kade. I’ve never told anyone these details. I want to tell you. I’m sorry if this is too much for you.”
Kade places both hands on either side of my face. “Don’t you ever apologize for wanting to share your story with me. I am honored, Shyanne.”
I just nod and pull my face from his hands. I pull my legs up onto the bed and cross them in front of me, sitting Indian-style. “Basically, my threat with the knife only pissed the guy off. He lunged at me, we wrestled, and he won. Once he had the knife in hand, he looked me in the eyes and smiled, then he sliced into my right side.”
I close my eyes and draw in a slow breath, because this is where the story ends for Kade. As good as it feels to share this much, I know I can’t tell him that when the creep—a.k.a.Samuel Munro—dropped the knife and turned his back to me, I picked it up and lunged at him. One direct hit to his kidney, and back out again, was all it took to make me a murderer. I can’t tell him how I laid on the floor, hands covering my own wound, watching Samuel die.
Kade leans his head back and closes his eyes. “He stabbed you,” he says, sounding exasperated. “I’m really hoping that you tell me next your father came in, rescued you, and called the police.”
I look up at Kade and shake my head. He sighs, then places a hand at the back of my neck and gently pulls me down so that my head is lying in his lap. His fingers move through my hair as he pushes it away from my face. Then he slowly trails his hand down my right side until his fingers are at the hem of my shirt. I turn my head slightly and see that he is asking a question with his eyes. I close my eyes and give him a small nod.
Kade takes in a long breath, then lifts the hem of my shirt until he reaches the ugly scar that will forever remind me of my living nightmare. I feel Kade breathe out so I look up see him staring at my scar, mouth in a tight line and jaw clenched. I say nothing, just wait for him to regain his control. After several long moments of deep breathing and running his thumb over my scar, Kade closes his eyes and asks, “How did you get away?”
I hesitate, recalling the story I created to tell him. I watch Kade’s jaw as his muscle clenches and unclenches. I decide to try getting closer to him, to hold him. I tell myself I’m doing this to help him relax, not because I need the closeness. As I move to sit up, Kade’s hand presses into me, trying to keep me from running. I reach down and grasp his hand and tell him, “I need you to hold me.” With that, Kade releases his hold. I sit up and move to position myself between his legs, with my back to his front. I lean against him and he instantly wraps his arms around my middle and lays his cheek against my head. I can feel his emotional struggle through the race of his heart and the rise and fall of his chest against my back. I decide to finish the story so we can end this torture.
Of course Kade can’t know that Ryder made contact with the FBI, I testified against a ring of criminals, and I’m now in the witness protection program. No, Kade needs a safe version of the truth. I close my eyes and visualize my story.
“The guy stood and told me he’d be back and told me I would pay. He took the knife and left. Shortly after he left my dad came home. He found me on my floor, losing blood. He called one of his associates who must have been a doctor. The doc came to the house, fixed me up, and left. That’s when I threw a wrench into the whole party, finally. I called Ryder and he came to my house. I told my dad he was going to have to start paying his own debt. Ryder and I moved away that night, and I never looked back.”
“That’s it?” Kade asks. “Your dad let you go, and the guys, they never came looking for you? I mean, you were a big risk, having seen and heard things.” Kade sounds skeptical. Of course he does, he’s practically a genius and I’m trying to feed him a load of crap.
I’m glad my back is to him because I’m a horrible liar and he would surely see that. “Yeah, Ryder threatened my dad that I would turn them in, but only if they came looking for me.”
“Huh. So you’ve never heard from your dad since?” Kade asks, clearly not buying the crap I’m selling.
I shake my head. “No.” I try to get away from more questions. “So, now you know what I have never told anyone else. Ryder knows, but only because he was there.”
Kade puts his hands on my hips and encourages me to turn so that I’m facing him, straddling him actually. He reaches up, wrapping his fingers around the back of my neck and placing his thumbs at my jaw. “You know I will never say a word of this to anyone, right?”
I smile a little. “I was kinda hoping for that.”
“And you know that none of this changes how I feel about you?” he asks.
I smile again. “I was kinda hoping for that, too.”
Kade’s expression changes and he looks very serious. “Actually, I take that back. All of this does change things.” I hold my breath, waiting for what I have been expecting. He is staring into my eyes when he says, “Before all of this I knew you were a strong, beautiful, independent girl. But now… ” He pauses as he looks back and forth between my eyes. “now I know you are all of those things in spite of all that has happened to you. That, my sweet Shy, that is the reason I’ve fallen in love with you.”
Chapter 26
Now it’s my turn to flinch. “Kade, you can’t —”
“Don’t tell me what I can’t do, Shy,” Kade says, cutting me off. “And I think if you take some time, outside of your own head, and just let yourself feel… Well… I think you’ll see you may just be feeling the same way.”
“Regardless of how you feel, you have spent the last eight years of your life avoiding people like me,” I remind him.
“What are you talking about?” he asks, clearly not following my line of thinking.
“No obstacles, that what you said. You have avoided drinking, drugs, getting into trouble, and people who get in trouble with the law.” I point at myself. “I don’t think I would pass your FBI application process.”
Kade gives me that life-changing smile, then pulls me tight against him again. “What you have failed to notice is that all of my careful planning, and goals for the future, became irrelevant that first night you slept in my arms. That night I watched you drift into a peaceful sleep, after having just seen you in so much pain. When your stuttering breaths became even, and the lines around your eyes went smooth, I knew then I would do anything to never see that hurt on your face again. If you had woken the next morning and said you wanted to find the closest auction and rescue every horse there, I would have made it happen.”
Damn, where does he come up with this stuff?
I turn my nose and bury it in his neck, inhaling his “just Kade” scent. I can feel his pulse at my cheek and I hear his gentle breaths at my ear. I need to clarify. “So,” I hedge, “are you saying that you’re not married to the idea of becoming an agent? Because the other night you were ready to walk down the aisle with that plan.”
I feel his soft chuckle. “No, Filly, I’m not married to anything about my future anymore. Right now I believe I want to be an agent, but what if I don’t get in? What if I do, and I hate it? What if I discover I have the awesome talent of stripping? How could I go on to the FBI academy and rob the women of this world of my amazing body, lathered in baby oil, dancing around a filthy male strip club?”
Now I laugh. “Yes, that would be a shame.”
Kade lifts his hand to run his fingers through my hair. “So you see, I have the ability to adjust my future plans accordingly. I just need you to be willing to do the same.”
I shake my head and start to pull back. “Kade, I like you, but—”
Kade cuts me off again. “Please just try, Shyanne. Don’t minimize everything that’s happened between us over the last few weeks, or even just today. Please, please just try to trust me with your heart.”
He takes my hands in his and pulls them both up to his chest, holding them tight in his own. “Let me in, Shy. Let me see… hold… cherish that fractured heart of yours. I know it’s terrifying. I understand now why you never let anyone have all of you. But you chose to share your story with me, which tells me I mean something. A part of you trusts a part of me.”
He reaches out one hand to caress my cheek with the back of his fingers. The gentleness in his eyes causes my breath to catch in my throat before he continues. “The pain you experienced is senseless, and I’m not going to pretend I have any idea what that’s been like for you. I
can
tell you what it’s like to love so hard every part of your body senses when the other person is near. I can tell you that when you allow yourself to fall in love you wake up in the morning smiling because you know you will see that person. I can tell you what it’s like to hold someone in your arms and know that your future will not be whole unless she is in it.” He pauses while staring into my eyes. “The reason I know all of this, Shy, is because I fell in love with you weeks ago.”
I close my eyes and lean into his touch when he continues. “
When you walk into a room I have to stop my legs from moving toward you. Every time you laugh, I thank God I was there to hear that sound. When you cry I feel a crack in my own heart because I can’t fix what hurts you. When we fight I feel like my lungs are starving for air because I am terrified that you will walk away.” He gently rubs my cheek so I open my eyes to look at him again. “Don’t tell me what I’m feeling, Shy, because I already know. Now, I am asking you to please trust me. Choose me. Love me, with all of you
.”
I reach up and place my hand over his, pressing it tighter against my cheek. “I can’t fall in love. You don’t understand. I have to protect myself.”
Kade sighs. “I’m only asking that you stop fighting this. I don’t need you to profess your love right now, or even next week. I can wait for that part. I just need you to stop pushing me away; stop running.”
“See, you
don’t
understand. When you said the other day that I run; you have no idea how true that statement is. I do run, and I will run again. Asking me to promise that I won’t is like me asking you to give me a flying horse. It doesn’t matter how much you want to give me that flying horse, it’s just an impossible request.”
I lean into him completely, wrapping my arms around his waist, and lay my head on his shoulders. I draw in a long breath and as I release it, I nod. “Okay, I’ll try,” I say, not believing I am taking this leap.
Kade squeezes me, at the same time breathing out, “Thank fuck.”
“Wait,” I say, needing to make sure he understands. “When I say
I’ll try,
that is no way a promise that I won’t run.” I pull back, forcing him to do the same. “Before we take this any further, I need to know you are going into this fully informed. You may wake up one day and I’ll be gone. Not gone, as in I need a few days break. Gone… as in no longer coming back.”
As I give him this truth, my voice cracks a little and I have to look away. It’s not just Kade that needs to be prepared for that chance.
“Look at me, Shy,” he demands. So I do. “Why are you so convinced you’re going to run? I know you will probably freak out again, but we can work through it.”
I give him a sad smile. “
Because flying horses are not real, no matter how much I want them to be.
”
Kade shakes his head then says, “Fine, if this is all you can give me right now, then I’ll take it. But I’m going to get you a flying horse, and when I do you’ll agree to never run.”
I kinda want to hit him for being so stubborn, and hug him for not giving up.
Before I do, he says, “I have one more question before we call it a night.”
I scrunch my brow and tilt my head slightly.
“Have you ever been with anyone… consensually?” he asks, trying to use his words carefully.
I shake my head, feeling like a teenager again. “No. I’ve never even kissed someone. I mean, those guys… they kissed me, but… well… ” I draw in a slow breath, trying to decide how to let him know just how new all of this is to me. “Kade, you are the first guy I have let hold me. I have never slept in a bed with a guy until that first night with you. All the time I have spent with Ryder, he has never held me like you do. I’ve never wanted him to, either. I’ve never wanted anyone to kiss me… until you.”
Kade’s eyes are unreadable as he says, “Now there is something I need to do.” He lifts both his hands back up to my face, wrapping his fingers around the back of my neck. His thumbs stroke my cheekbones as he uses the pressure of his fingers to pull me closer. When his lips are just a breath from mine, he says, “
This is me kissing the girl I love. The girl who makes me lose sleep at night, the girl who has shown me that safe is boring, and the girl who will tell me if this is too much
.”
Then he pulls me that little distance, until our lips touch, and my world changes. The fear and anxiety that is forever present in me makes a shift to gentleness and desire. As Kade’s lips part and I feel his tongue brush my bottom lip, my chest releases the heaviness that has been crushing my heart for years. With this physical connection and the emotional release, I know this is the moment that will change the rest of my life.
I read romantic novels and love a good chick flick, but honestly, I have always believed those life-changing moments just don’t happen to real people. I mean, I know that people fall in love. Just because I can’t love, doesn’t mean I think the rest of the human race is stuck in the same hell. I just never believed there was a “moment” when a person knew their life would be forever changed by another person.
I believe it now. Even if this isn’t love, or this relationship fails miserably tomorrow, this kiss will still have changed who I am. Kade Cross just healed a piece of my injured heart.
“I still have a million questions about all of this, mostly about your dad, but right now you need a break and we both need sleep.” Kade pulls me into the crook of his arm. “We’ll talk more tomorrow.
“I have a question for you,” I say, more than a little nervous about asking.
Running his fingers through my hair, Kade tells me, “Go ahead.”
I press my hand to his chest, watching as I spread my fingers then curl them back into my hand. “Why do you still want to be with me? I just told you that I have had sex with many perverted guys because my dad said I had to.”
Kade cuts me off before I can finish. “You just told me that you were
raped
by several
men
. You did not
have sex
with them, and if you say that again I’ll be forced to smack that sweet ass of yours.”
I sigh, then go on, “You also know I don’t just have small imperfections. I have many sharp edges, some of which have already sliced you.” I pause, then ask what I fear most: “Are you doing this to try and fix me? Do you see me as a project and as soon as you’ve made some repairs you’ll move on?”
The question is one that has been worrying me since he insisted we were going to be friends. So when Kade’s body shakes with his low chuckle, I instantly get pissed. I press my hand into his chest as I move to sit up, but he squeezes his arm around my shoulders, keeping me in place.
“I’m sorry, Shy, but do you really think I go out looking for things to make my life more difficult? After that first weekend, I tried to stay away. Not just because of Luke, but because I knew you were complicated. But now… now I know I love you
because
you are complicated.
I don’t want to fix you, Shy, because I don’t believe there is anything to fix. You are a very strong, independent woman who guards her heart with ten-foot walls. I’m just asking that you take down the walls, not change what you have hiding behind them.
”
I hate he always knows what to say, but I also kinda love it.
