Shy Kinda Love (11 page)

After a very drawn-out silence in which the three of us sit staring at Adrian, he finally drops both of his hands and walks to the door. “I have to go do research on how to seduce a girl who has an obsession with zombies, a smart mouth, and an amazing kissing ability.” Then he exits the apartment, leaving the three of us to stare after him.

“She’s good.” Max states the obvious. I realize I’m still staring after Adrian and nodding in agreement. Then I realize that I’m jealous of Adrian. He got kissed tonight, and I did not.

Later that night, I’m lying in bed, all tucked in and listening to a song on repeat. It’s the song that started playing in my head when Kade first leaned in to me down in the basement: “Kiss Me Slowly” by Parachute. I’m so entranced by the words that I don’t hear him until the door closes behind him. Kade is in my room. I sit up, ready to scold him, but he speaks first.

“Quiet, Filly. I know you told me that you aren’t ready to have me in your bed, but I couldn’t stay away… good song, by the way.” He’s saying all of this as he’s climbing over me and crawling under my covers. He reaches over to pull me closer, and with a wink he continues, “I took care of the problem you caused earlier, but I can’t guarantee it won’t pop up again.” He pulls me against him, my back to his front. “Anyway, if you feel that problem arise, rest assured I won’t make a move to fix it. I just want to be here. In your bed, with you in my arms.” Then he wraps an arm around my waist, pulling me even closer, and lifts his head to kiss the side of my neck, very gently. “Goodnight, Filly.” And that’s it.

One minute ago I was completely alone, listening to my song, thinking of Kade. Now he’s wrapped around me, planning to sleep here. A week ago this situation would have had my heart on the verge of an attack and my stomach considering a reappearance of my dinner. What has this boy done to me? Where is the switch that Kade Cross was able to flip, and why have I let him?

Chapter 14

In the morning, Kade goes to class and I head off to the barn. Gemma is bringing Isaac to the barn today. He came one other day last week, and we just spent time with Tanner on a lead line, allowing him to eat grass from the yard. The most important thing we can do is spend time with him, asking him to do nothing but trust. That time was also beneficial to Isaac, as I was asking nothing of him either. We just sat in the grass, watching Tanner graze.

Today I push Tanner’s comfort level, just slightly. After testing his comfort level with me touching his legs, I show Isaac how to clean out the hoof of a horse. Tanner relaxes more during each foot, as if each one I clean without harming him, he trusts me a little more.

After we spend time grooming every inch of Tanner’s body, testing to see if there are any areas that trigger him, Isaac asks to spend some time playing with him in the pasture. We take Tanner to the pasture right next to his herd, and I explain a trust exercise he can do with Tanner.

I place a large blue tarp in the middle of the pasture. “Most horses are terrified of tarps because they are so big, they blow around with just a little breeze, and they make scary noises.” Isaac laughs as I wave my hands above my head trying to look scary. “So, to help reduce their fear, we allow them to approach it at their own speed and comfort level.”

I hand Tanner’s lead rope over to Isaac. “Take him in, but leave him on the line.  Walk him towards the big scary tarp, but you need to watch his body language for signs of stress. Allow him the space and time to explore it, but don’t let him run from it. Tanner has gotten into the habit of running from everything, and living in fear. It’s our job to help him remember how to cope with stressful situations.”

Isaac pays close attention to my directions, then begins the exercises as I watch. As expected, Tanner attempts to back away from the tarp the instant he sees it. He is so determined to escape, he practically pulls Isaac across the pasture. Isaac, using his own natural instincts, soothes Tanner with slow gestures, gentle touches, and extreme patience.

The two of them have such a basic connection, it’s as if Tanner knows what Isaac is going to ask before the command is ever given I love watching Isaac smile every time Tanner makes the slightest progress, knowing he feels good about the job he is doing. It feels great to have brought these two together, and to know that I played a part in each of them finding a little peace.

After only thirty minutes or so, Isaac has Tanner standing next to the tarp, in a relaxed state. With a little more encouraging, Tanner puts his nose on the tarp, investigating the smell. Again, using his instincts, and the little I have taught him, Isaac determines this is a good place to stop.

Isaac brings him back to the gate, walking a little taller than when he went in. “Well, how did we do?”

I smile. “How do you think you did?”

“Awesome,” he says, with a huge grin.

I agree. “Yes, Isaac. You both did awesome.”

***

Over the next couple of weeks, Kade and I do a lot of the hanging out-slash-talking thing. Most of his classes are in the morning, while I am at the barn. I go to the barn in the evening, and he uses that time to study, or whatever else he does at the library. The rest of the time we are together, at my place or his. He has even driven me to the barn and picked me up on multiple occasions, saying he just wanted the extra time with me.

He does a lot of the talking, but he has gotten good at asking me questions when my guard is down. He never pushes me on anything, but he does nudge.

I’ve learned that his parents divorced when he was in high school. He said it had been bad for a while, but the final straw was his dad putting all of their money into a bad investment. His mom wasn’t upset about the money, just that he’d done it without discussing it with her first. Apparently his dad had a history of secrets. Kade said, after that, he vowed he was going to be an honest person. He’d seen what lies could do to relationships, and he refused to live that way.

It took everything in me not to raise my hand and say, “I keep secrets from everyone in my life,” during that story. Instead I asked more questions about his current relationship with his parents, to avoid him noticing the guilt I was trying to hide.

I’ve also learned a ton of information I will never remember, nor will I ever need. For example: seven U.S. presidents were born in Ohio; the brains of cockroaches contain nine antibiotic molecules, which are more powerful than the antibiotics we use; and, the most useless of all, Leonardo da Vinci could write backwards with one hand while at the same time writing forward with the other. It’s sometimes disturbing the things Kade knows, but it’s always cute how excited he is to share his little nuggets of useless information.

Regardless of what we do during the day, he always comes to my bed at night. He never asks, and I never tell him to leave. He never tries anything more than cuddling, although he will often kiss my hand, or shoulder, or head—whatever is near his mouth. A part of me is pleading for him try more, but rest of me loves that he never does.

Chapter 15

We are all having lunch at the boys’ apartment, in the kitchen where we don’t have to see that disgusting couch. Keegan once asked where they got it from and Adrian launched into a very excited explanation. According to him, it has been passed around the campus since the 1980s. I called bullshit, only to have Max and Adrian flip the couch over to prove its history. On one of the exposed wooden braces there were dates and addresses listed, in chronological order. No shit, the first date was 1984. Most of the addresses were frat houses.

Gemma, Keegan, and I have all refused to get within touching distance of that couch since then. It’s one thing to wonder about the history of a piece of furniture, and it’s another to know a couch has seen more action than a Vegas hooker.

As we are all finishing our lunch, a noise echoes through the kitchen. This noise cannot be mistaken for anything but what it is: someone farted. I know, without having to even look around the table, that it was Keegan. Since becoming friends with her I’ve learned that she seems to have a problem controlling this issue, regardless of who’s in the room.

The room goes completely quiet. No one moves, no one asks who did it, because the answer is clear. Keegan is sitting with one leg tucked under her and the other foot planted on the chair, and is wearing an enormous grin on her face, most likely because she is extremely proud of herself.

After a few very uncomfortable moments, Adrian is the first to speak. “Keegan… did you just fart?”

Keegan simply shrugs and turns to Gemma and I. “Come on, don’t look so shocked. You knew this was going to happen, what with all the time we spend with them.” She continues smiling and looks to the guys. “I fart. Girls fart. Get over it.”

Neither Kade nor Max speaks. Actually, I’m pretty sure they are holding their breath, concerned that Keegan’s ass created more than just sound.

Adrian jumps to his feet, eyes wide, shaking his head. “I can’t fucking do this anymore,” he says, just before he practically runs out of kitchen and into his bedroom. After just a few seconds he returns with something in his hand. He rushes around the table and drops to his knees next to Keegan. She looks down at him, the questions clear on her face.

Adrian reaches up and takes one of her hands. “I know I told you I wasn’t going to propose yet, but holy shit, Keegan. You just farted, out loud, in front of our friends, while we were eating lunch.” He lifts her hand and kisses the back of it. “I started to fall in love with you the first time you mentioned the zombie apocalypse. I fell a little more when you stuck a metal object in toaster while it was plugged in, and just now, I fell completely in love with you.” He lifts his other hand, showing Keegan a cheap pink ring with what looks like skull and crossbones on it. “I picked this out after you stuck a knife in the toaster.” Adrian’s smile gets wide when he looks from the ring back up to Keegan. “Keegan Marie Hughes, will you marry me sometime in the far-off future?”

As Adrian stares at her with awe in his eyes, Keegan stares back like he has lost his mind. “You are one seriously fucked-up individual. You know that, right?”

Adrian just nods.

Keegan’s expression changes to one of curiosity. “Do I have to have sex with you?”

Adrian shakes his head and answers instantly, “Not for at least two months.”

What the hell? It’s like he had that answer planned out. I can’t pull my eyes away from the train wreck happening right in front of me.

Keegan looks down at the ring, then back up to Adrian, and shrugs. “Whatever.” Then she turns back around to finish her lunch.

Adrian stands, lifts her chin with his thumb, and kisses her like they have been dating for months. “I have to get to class. Love you, babe.” Then he grabs his backpack and walks out the front door.

While Keegan eats her lunch, the rest of us look around the room, waiting for someone else to speak first.

Gemma tries. “Um, Keegan…” is all she can manage.

I decide words will get us nowhere, so I reach over and smack her across the back of her head. Keegan sputters. “What the fuck was that for?”

Seriously? “Keegan, do you not see how the last fifteen minutes were like an episode of
The Twilight Zone
?” I throw both my hands up. “Sweet Zombie Jesus, you just accepted a proposal! From Adrian!”

Keegan shrugs as she rubs the back of her head. “It was kind of sweet.”

“Keegan, he asked you to marry him because you farted in a room full of other people,” I remind her. I glance around the room to be sure I am not the only one who thinks this is crazy. Sure enough, Kade, Max, and Gemma are all nodding their heads in agreement.

Keegan looks at me, and with complete sincerity she says, “I’m pretty sure I could do worse than a guy who tells me he has fallen in love with me
because of
all my negative qualities.”

The truth in her statement causes me to flinch. I look around the room again to see that everyone has stopped nodding and now they all look thoughtful.

Kade reaches over and grabs Keegan’s hand. “I have never heard a truer statement. We should be loved because of our flaws, not in spite of them.” He releases her hand, leans back in his chair, and meets my eyes. Then he winks at me.

Keegan breaks our moment by finally showing her true self again. “Let me be clear. I have no intention of marrying that pencil penis. I’m just going to enjoy playing the cute couple and having makeout sessions whenever I get bored.” We all groan, and a couple of us gag. With a wink, she adds, “Don’t knock it. He is a surprisingly good kisser.”

That is our cue to evacuate the premises.

Chapter 16

That evening when Kade is cuddled into my bed again, my back to his front, he pulls me close and interlocks our fingers, which is something he does every night.

“Why do you do that?” I ask, lifting our hands.

I feel him shrug. “I don’t know. I guess I just like to keep you as close as I can.”

I smile, even though he can’t see me.

“Did you know that sea otters hold hands when they sleep so they don’t drift apart?” he asks.

“Yes, Kade, actually I did know that,” I lie.

“Really?” He sounds incredibly surprised, as if no one ever replies with that answer.

“No, Kade. I did not know that.”

After a few minutes of comfortable silence, he asks, “What do you want to do? You know, when you grow up.”

“Where is this coming from?” I ask, curious where his mind is wandering now.

“I was filling out some paperwork today, for
my
plans, and it made me think of you.”

Um… what? He was working on his future plans and he thought of me?

“Well, I haven’t thought that far,” I tell him honestly. “What about you? What was the paperwork for?” He pauses for a long time, so I finally roll around to face him. I can tell by his expression he is considering whether he should tell me. “Come on,” I say, trying to coerce the answer from him.

He bites the inside of his cheek and draws in a dramatic breath. This means he has come to a decision.

“Okay, but please don’t let this change anything between us. The only other people who know this are Max and Adrian, because people act weird when I tell them.”

Now I’m extremely curious. “Okay,” I promise, having no idea what I’m agreeing to.

“I’m going into the FBI,” he states, very matter-of-fact, as if he didn’t just drop a brick on my heart.

Confused, I state, “But you’re a computer geek.”

He laughs and I want to punch him. Can he not see how this ruins everything?

“Yes, computer science is my major, but I’ve got a minor in criminal justice. I want to be a computer analyst for the FBI. I did an internship with them, over this past summer, and it was amazing. They actually let us be involved with real cases. Anyway, the paperwork was my application. My supervising agent from the internship said I’ll have no problem getting in, as long as I stay clean this year.”

I can almost see all the pieces fall into place. “You don’t drink. You don’t go to parties. You don’t get mixed up with the wrong people.”

“Exactly. I decided in high school that this was what I wanted to do, so I started making changes in my life. I don’t want there to be any obstacles when I begin the application process next spring.” His voice reveals his excitement.

“Obstacles?” I ask, not sure I want the answer.

As if he can feel me pulling away, Kade reaches for my arm and lays it across his chest, then he caresses it with his fingers. “Part of the process is a very extensive background check, which includes family and close friends. So, if I were to associate with people who have run-ins with the law, even minor things like drugs possession, that would reflect poorly on me. I had to pass the security clearance for the internship, which meant they looked into my friends at that time. Adrian was nervous as hell.”

Of course he was nervous. Who wouldn’t be a little twitchy having the FBI look into your past—especially when you’re hiding a murder back there! Crap, I need to calm down. Kade can probably feel my heart pounding against his side. I need to keep him talking until I can collect myself.

“So, that’s your plan huh? Right out of college… straight to secret covert operations,” I say, sounding like a dipshit.

Kade doesn’t seem to notice. “Yep. That’s the only plan I’ve ever had, and this past summer made it feel so real. I can finally put all this useless information to good use,” he says, tapping his head.

I try to laugh, but it’s a pretty bad attempt.

“So, I told you mine. What do you see in your future?”

Not you for much longer.

“Lots of horses. You know how single women collects cats? Well, I’ll collect horses instead.” I just made that up but I’m thinking it sounds pretty accurate.

“So… you don’t want to get married?” Kade asks.

“Have you met me? I don’t exactly have the most positive thoughts on relationships.”

“And why is that? I mean, look at Keegan and Adrian.”

I let out a long sigh. “Kade, in case you haven’t noticed, I live in a different world from all of you. I don’t believe in unicorns and leprechauns.” I can’t help the bitterness in my voice.

I feel Kade’s soft chuckle. “I don’t think you have to believe in mystical creatures to believe in love.” After a pause, he goes on. “Actually, a hunter in Slovenia recently shot a roe deer which had a rare deformity. It had only one antler, which protruded from the top of its head, resembling a unicorn. Of course, it’s not likely that the deer had magical powers like the mythical unicorn.”

“Of course,” I say dryly. Sometimes his tidbits of worthless information are cute—now is not one of those times. “Anyway, what do you think will happen between Keegan and Adrian? Do you think they’re going to start treating each other with kindness, go on typical dates, get married, have babies, and live happily ever after?”

Kade’s expression becomes more concerned. “If that’s what they want, then yes, I believe that can happen.”

“So you still believe in fairytales?” I laugh sardonically.

“No, fairytales are overrated, but I do believe in love.”

I give in, leaning back so that he can see my face. “I’m not going to suddenly believe that I can a have happily ever after. There are things in my life that are out of my control, things that prevent me from being able to see a future.”

I watch the muscle in his jaw as he clenches his teeth and stares into my watery eyes. “Then tell me what it is. Even if it can’t be changed, at least I know what I’m up against.”

I shake my head. “I can’t, and besides, it doesn’t matter. You are going to go on to be a super agent, and I’m going to live with a herd of horses. Those two paths don’t intersect.”

He leans his forehead down until it’s resting on mine, and he pulls in a long, tired breath. “Shy, we have to fix your fucked-up line of thinking.”

I push at his shoulders with both my hands. “I don’t want you to fix me. As a matter of fact, I don’t want you here. Go back to your place, please.”

He pulls back far enough that I can see the smile pulling at the corners of his lips. He’s fucking laughing? I don’t get this guy. I try to push him away, but it’s like he doesn’t hear anything I say.

He leans down and kisses the end of my nose. “Damn, you’re cute when you’re trying to be mean.” He drops onto his side, uses his hands to turn me so that I’m facing away from him again, then wraps an arm around my waist and pulls me against his chest. I feel him kiss the back of my head. “Go to sleep, Filly. We’ll talk tomorrow.”

I hate Kade Cross. At least that’s what I tell myself. Then I wonder: of all the people in this stupid town, how did I find the one guy who is trying to avoid
obstacles
to getting into the FBI?