Shy Kinda Love (20 page)

Chapter 32

On the drive to Ryder’s house not much is said. The only thing I ask is how Ryder knew to come. He explains that Keegan called him when I told her to leave. I guess Keegan assumed I would let Ryder help, even though I wouldn’t let Kade.

Once we get to his house and barely through the door, Ryder turns to me. “Talk.”

This boy knows how to get straight to the point. I let out a long breath that I may have been holding for the entire drive, then walk to the living room and claim a seat on the couch.

“Ryder, I’m not even sure what all just happened.” I drop my head in my hands, beginning to feel the stress of the last hour in every part of my body.

Ryder has not yet sat down so I hear him stalking around the couch to the front windows. “I’m gonna need more talking, baby,” he tells me, seeming way too calm for the situation. I lift my head to see him standing with his back to me, hands in his pockets, looking out the window. Although his posture appears relaxed, I can see the tension in the muscles across his back and shoulders. He is trying to look calm. For me?

I lean back into the couch and decide to just put it all out there, not having the energy to screen what Ryder already knows against what I discussed with my dad today. I run down the conversation, from me seeing my dad, to the moment when Ryder got there. I’m sure I left out some details, since I was virtually in shock during most of that time.

At some point during my ramble, Ryder comes to sit next to me on the couch. As I finish my story he reaches over and picks up my hand in his. “I’ll take care of this. I’ll call Hudson now,” he says, referring to the U.S. marshal assigned to me. He’ll come and help us sort this all out. Also, I’m calling a couple of my guys, who can be here even sooner.”

Unsure how to respond to his plan of attack, I say something that is bothering me. “I cried for him, Ryder. When he was talking about losing my mom, then about watching me slowly die, I felt my heart breaking a little more. What the hell is wrong with me? What kind of person feels bad for a father that used them the way he used me? What kind of person still wants that father to love her?”

Ryder squeezes me a little tighter. “The kind of person who has a heart and is able to love, regardless of what she believes of herself.”

I pull back and look up at him. “I don’t want to love. Love and trust is what caused all of this pain.”

Ryder tilts his head and arches a brow. “Shy, do you really believe you can go the rest of your life without falling in love, or ever trusting someone? You can’t let that asshole of a father take that from you.”

It’s then that I realize what has to happen. I look at Ryder and tell him what he probably already knows. “I’m already in love, and now I have to leave him.” I stare at Ryder, waiting for him to tell me I’m wrong. “I’m going to be relocated, aren’t I?”

Ryder just watches me as I let all the pieces fall into place. My dad is right; if he found me, then Marco can surely find me. He has always been able to elude the police and the FBI, so he will be able to do it again. Even if my father finds him, Marco will be ready for him. So, my mother is dead, my father will be soon, and I have to leave Kade and my friends.

“Ryder, what am I going to do,” I breathe out. “Kade and I just got good. I can’t leave him… ” I clutch at my chest, unable to say it all out loud. My life is over… again.

Ryder pulls me tight against him. “I’m so sorry, baby. You don’t deserve any of this, yet you keep getting hit.”

“I have to let him go, Ryder.” I say what we both already knew.

“I’m so sorry, baby,” he replies, knowing there is no other choice to make.

A few minutes later, Ryder kisses my forehead, retrieves his phone from the floor, and tells me he needs to make a few calls. I roll over, facing the back of the couch, and close my eyes. Emotionally and physically exhausted, I’m asleep before Ryder begins his first call.

***

When I wake up, Ryder and I are not alone. He introduces me to “one of his guys,” Smoke. I don’t even have the energy to ask where he got his name. I honestly don’t care. Ryder fills me in on his conversation with Hudson. “He’s going to be here in about an hour.”

I need one last night with Kade. One last night.

I nod, letting him know I heard him, then go to take a shower. It’s after ten p.m. and I haven’t talked to Kade all day. I’m sure he’s texted me several times. Once I’m dressed and ready to go, I find Ryder and Smoke in the kitchen, both sitting at the island. “I’m going to see Kade,” I announce to the room.

Ryder’s head snaps up. “You’re keeping that ass right here,” he says.

I shake my head. “No, Ryder, if I have to leave him, I at least get this one last night with him.”

Ryder closes his eyes and I see his jaw muscle twitch. “I’m taking you,” he insists.

I shake my head again. “I’ll be fine. Besides, I’ll only be gone for a couple hours. I just need to see him.”

Ryder draws in a long breath, looking very frustrated. “What are you going to tell him?”

I shrug. “I have no idea. Probably nothing. This will be my goodbye, not his.”

Not allowing time for further arguments, I pick up my purse, grab Ryder’s keys, and tell him, “I’m taking your car.”

Chapter 33

On the drive back to my apartment, back to Kade, I try to shove away all the details of the day. I have no idea what I’m going to say to him; the only thing I know right now is that I need to be in Kade’s arms, in Kade’s bed, one last night.

As much as I want to drag this out, look for other options; options I know don’t exist. Not letting go, is not an option.

I text Kade when I’m parked in our driveway, asking if he is in bed. I’ve missed several texts from him today. At first he was just checking in, then he became concerned when I didn’t respond. He responds letting me know he’s in his room finishing schoolwork.

Feeling as though I am about to walk myself down death row to the execution chamber, I pull myself out of my car. The first few steps are slow and heavy, my body not wanting to make the journey. As I get closer to the house, I lift my head and try to remove the expression of misery from my face. Max is on the couch watching TV when I enter their apartment. He says hello and I attempt a smile for him, but I’m sure my face looks like it hurts. Although I spent several years hiding my history and real name, I’m a horrible actress.

I drop my eyes to the floor, not wanting to see the curious look I’m sure Max is wearing. When I get to Kade’s door, I knock as I enter. Kade is sitting at his desk, chair facing me. “Hey, Filly,” he says, reaching out a hand for me.

Swallowing back the sob that threatens with his words, I close the distance and take his hand in mine. He tugs, trying to pull me into his lap. I shake my head and tell him, “I’m tired. Can we lie down?” I’m struggling to hide the shaking in my voice and the tears in my eyes.

When Kade doesn’t instantly stand, I glance back to see the look of concern he is not hiding. “What’s wrong, Shy? I haven’t heard from you all day. Now you look like you’re about to cry, or you’ve already been crying.”

I drop his hand and walk to the bed, needing to catch my breath. I pull back the sheets and crawl in then roll so that I am facing Kade. “It’s just been one of those days.” I shrug, trying to play down my level of misery. Kade stands and walks to the bed, pausing to stand over me. His hands are in his pockets, head tilted slightly, watching my expression closely. I maintain his gaze, knowing that if I look away he will ask a hundred more questions. So I stare into his eyes as he looks through me; inside me. I know he sees more than I want him to see, but he says nothing. Instead he lifts one knee onto the bed and places one hand next to me, near my ribcage.

After pulling his other leg onto the bed, Kade positions his other arm; his elbow is against my ribs, and his hand curls up under my shoulder. I lift both of my hands to his face and pull his lips down to mine. As I feel his lips open slightly and then his tongue gently sweep across my bottom lip, my heart picks up pace. Thoughts of this being our last night together are at the front of my mind. He leans to one side, taking all his weight with him. He pulls away from the kiss as he takes one of his hands to remove one of mine from his face. I know he can feel that something has shifted.

Kade takes our hands and places them on his chest. Saying nothing, we sit like this for at least a full minute. Looking into Kade’s eyes I know what he is trying to ask me without using words. I can’t stand to see the emotions in his eyes, knowing what I have to do. The moment becomes so intense that I have to break it. I pull him down and kiss him. In that look, this moment, this kiss, I know what I am going to do.

These last couple months have been the best of my life. I’ve opened up and shared my story. I’ve embraced my relationships with friends, and I’ve learned to let others love me. I have also fallen in love. Now I have to let that love go. Knowing I have to walk away from Kade again, this time forever, I decide I am going to take one more thing from him; give one more thing to him. Kade is the only person I have ever trusted with my body, and now I am going to let him take it all. I can’t imagine ever having this trust with another guy, and I want to experience the intimacy of making love. I want this night with Kade to replace all of those horrible nights from my teenage years.

Giving this to him and then walking away is going to kill him. I know that. Perhaps that’s part of why I need to do this. The pain I will inflict when I leave may be what keeps Kade from chasing after me.

I pull back from the kiss, pull my hand from his, and reach down to lift his shirt. As I’m adjusting my position to better remove his shirt, Kade stops my hand with his. I pull back from the kiss and see the question in his eyes. “Kade, I’m ready. I’m more than ready,” I tell him, knowing he is going to need a lot more convincing.

I can almost see the thoughts processing as I watch his eyes change from question to concern. “Is this what has been bothering you? Do you think I need this? That I can’t wait until you’re ready?”

I shake my head. “No, I know you would wait another six months if that’s what I need. But that’s not what I need.” I run my hand from the button on his jeans up his stomach until it reaches the bottom of his shirt, which now lies just below his chest. I hook my thumb under his shirt and begin to slowly push it up again. “Over the last two months you have given me the strength to feel again, the strength to feel emotions and physical touch. Not only can you touch me without me slipping away emotionally, now I
want
you to touch me. I’ve been ready for this for a while now, but I’ve been waiting to be sure. Now I’m sure,” I say as Kade allows me to finally pull his shirt up over his head. He watches over my shoulder as I throw it to the floor, then he looks back into my eyes.

“Maybe you are ready, but I told you when this began that you had to give me this first,” he says, placing his hand over my heart.

Dammit. I am about to destroy this boy and he is still trying to protect me.

I hate myself.

In spite of his attempt to protect me, or because of it, I tell him what he needs to hear. I tell him the truth.

I roll onto my side, facing him, and wrap my arm around his waist. “I love you Kade. I’m pretty sure you knew that before I did, and I’m sorry I haven’t said it before now.” I lean in, dropping my head until my forehead touches his chin, trying to hold back the tears. That statement is truer than he will ever know. I have wasted so much time trying to protect my heart instead of enjoying the way Kade makes me feel.

“Holy shit, Shy. You have no idea how fucking great it feels to hear you say that.” Kade reaches up and lifts my chin so that I have to look at him again. I have to concentrate to keep my lip from quivering and the tears from escaping. Fearing I will lose that battle, I lean in, touching my lips to his.

I drag my hands over his back, allowing my fingers to memorize every curve, every dip, and every muscle. My hands make their way to the top of his jeans, then I slide the tips of my fingers past his waistband. As my hands seek and search for more tactile memories, Kade begins to move my shirt up my stomach with his thumbs placed under the hem. When his thumbs meet the underside of my breast, he pauses, slowly stroking over the thin lace fabric. As he lifts his gaze to meet my eyes, I see nothing but complete adoration and gentleness there.

Kade removes my shirt, and as we work together to remove our jeans, our eyes never leave each other.

Kade pushes himself up, until he is kneeling, gazing down on me. “You are so amazing, Shyanne,” he says, running his hands up my thighs and over my hips.

He places his hands on the bed, leaning over me, and kisses my chin, jaw, cheek, nose, and then finally my mouth. After he makes his intentions clear, with his mouth, Kade leans to reach into his nightstand, pulling out a condom. He lays the packet on the bed then looks to me for more confirmation. Still unable to speak, for fear of breaking down, I close my eyes and begin removing my panties.

As he rolls on the condom, I will back the avalanche of emotions that are crushing my chest. When I feel his hand slide across my stomach, I squeeze my eyes tighter.

Knowing exactly what is happening to my mind, Kade whispers, “Look at me, Filly.” I open my eyes and instantly release the breath I was holding. When he sees the fear leave me in that breath, Kade smiles and reminds me, “This is me and you. This is you, giving to me that which has only been taken from you before. This is me, cherishing a gift I know I don’t deserve, which is why I swear to you I will never do anything to hurt you.”

He holds my gaze as his hand descends between my thighs, so I can think of nothing but him as he slides one finger inside of me. All of the negative, dirty feelings I’ve connected to this act disappear in that moment, leaving me with just pleasure. I give in to the sensations and begin moving against his hand, seeking my release.

Just as I begin to fall, I close my eyes and feel Kade’s head touch mine, and he whispers, “I love you Filly.”

I open my eyes as Kade moves back over me, placing himself between my thighs, but using his arms to hold his own weight. When he moves in to place a soft kiss on my lips, I feel his erection press against my core. The love in his eyes prevents me from feeling fear, but I do feel an ache in my chest. I want more than this last night with him.

I hold my breath, trying to hold back the sobs, but I’m not capable of holding back the whimper that escapes. I feel the tears that escape and fall to the mattress. Kade watches a tear fall. “Filly,” he says, starting to pull his body from mine.

I shake my head. “It’s just that I never thought I would want this. I never thought I would have this, have someone like you who sees me for who I am and loves me anyway.” To have this and lose it is worse than never having it at all, I think to myself.

One side of his mouth curls up and his eyes soften. “You don’t have me, Filly. We have each other. I’m just as lucky to have found you.”

I can’t speak, regret stuck in my throat. So I draw in another breath and drop my hands to his waist. I hold him firmly in place while I lift my hips to meet his, finally bringing us together, completely together.

We both gasp, and his head falls so that his forehead is resting on mine. “You feel amazing. This…” he pauses, slowly pulling out and pushing back in again. “This feels amazing.” He lifts his head, looking down at me. “Are you okay?”

I nod and give him a small smile.

Kade remains at a gentle rhythm, so slow that each thrust in and each withdrawal feels exaggerated. The entire time his eyes never leave mine. Those eyes that have changed my life. Those eyes which, after tonight, will never look at me with such tenderness again.

Using all of my senses, I memorize everything so that this moment will forever be available to me. I need to remember my one perfect night with the only guy I will ever love. The smell of his body wash and pillows, which hold that “just Kade” aroma. The feel of his biceps as they flex under his weight. The softness of his freshly-shaven jaw rubbing my neck as he kisses my shoulder. The taste of mint as he claims my mouth with his. The sound of his breathing, in this silent room, and the beauty of his voice as he repeatedly tells me he loves me.

After our first, and last, time making love, Kade lies on his side facing me. He wraps his arm around my waist and pulls me tight against him, my back to his front. I can feel the race of his heart against my back and feel his breath at my neck. I close my eyes, taking in all of these moments too.

Kade places his lips at my ear, and whispers, “I love you, Filly.” And those are the last words he says before he falls asleep. The last words he says before I walk away from him forever.