Shy Kinda Love (12 page)

Chapter 17

I wake up tucked against Kade’s side. After a few moments of clarity I remember our conversation last night. I need to get out of here immediately, before he does that thing with his thumb that makes me forget everything. I lift his arm and wiggle out just before he wakes and realizes what’s happening.

I’m standing at my dresser digging for clothes when I hear his sleep-dazed voice. “Come back, Shy. Please stop running.”

I cringe at his perfect interpretation of what I am doing. I don’t disagree, because what’s the point. “I need to get to the barn.”

He sighs loudly then drops back into the bed. “I’ll go with you,” he says, sounding like he already knows the answer.

I give him the answer he expects. “I need time alone. I need time to think.” I turn and lean against my dresser, looking at Kade lying in my bed. “Stop looking at me like that.”

He sighs. “Like what, Shyanne? Please, tell me how I look.”

“Condescending. Like I’m overreacting.”

“Well…” 

“Jackass,” I mutter as I turn back to the dresser, searching frantically for what I need. I hear him get up from the bed, then I feel his hands at my waist and his mouth at my ear.

“I’m sorry, Filly. I was just teasing, but I can see you’re not in a teasing mood.”

I close my eyes and relax into him. “No, I’m not.”

He places a kiss on my shoulder then places his chin over the kiss. That simple, yet intimate, gesture feels so natural.

“You go get your therapy so that tonight we can talk this out without you feeling the need to run. We are going to talk tonight. No negotiations. Agreed?”

I look away and stand, unable to agree with his non-negotiation. I grab a pair of jeans from my dresser. “I’m going to change, then head out.”

***

On my way to the barn I text Ryder, asking if he’ll be around later. I need to talk this out with him. He’ll understand how Kade’s career goals and my current situation do not mix. I get a text right back confirming he is in town and will meet at his house for lunch.

The morning at the barn is a disaster. My mind is filled with a giant whiteboard showing all the ways this relationship with Kade doomed, so I’m not focused on my job. Halfway through the barn, I realize I’ve given the wrong feed to almost every horse. I had planned to work with Tanner today, but I decide that may lead to loss of limb. So after all the horses are out, I spend my free time with Walker.

When I get to Ryder’s, I let myself through the back door. Ryder is leaning against the wall in the kitchen, talking on the phone. I pace the length of the kitchen, waiting for him to end the call. As soon as I hear him say goodbye, I stop and face him.

“He wants to go into the FBI,” I yell.

With a tilt of his head, Ryder says, “Well, hello, Shyanne. It’s good to see you too.”

I roll my eyes. “Don’t be dramatic.”

He laughs, kinda hard. “Me?” When I give him a nasty look he clears his throat. “Okay, I’m sorry. Please, tell me why this is so upsetting to you.”

I walk to the living room and drop onto the couch, with probably a little more drama than necessary. “He has lived his life, for the past eight years, avoiding anything that could be an obstacle in his security clearance for the job.”

Ryder follows me, opting to sit in the chair furthest from me. “And?”

I whip my head towards him. “I’m and obstacle—a huge obstacle,” I yell, pointing both hands at my chest.

“Okaaaay,” he says, dragging out the word. “I think you may be overreacting.”

“Oh my gosh, Ryder. How do you not see this? I’m in the witness protection program because I killed a man. Kade said the application process, which will begin as soon as he graduates, includes research into his closest friends and family.”

Ryder interrupts. “Okay, slow down. First, you’re jumping way ahead. Assuming the two of you are together in eight months, your file cannot be seen by the FBI. If they look you up, they will see the past the Marshal Service has created for you.”

Hmm, I guess that’s true. Kade and I aren’t even in a real relationship right now, so why would I be thinking about eight months from now? I purse my lips, trying to remember my other concerns. Unable to think of any, I continue with the first one.

“What if they give me a lie detector test? No way I would pass one of those. I’m lucky if I remember my fake parents’ names, let alone the rest of the past they created.”

Ryder raises a brow. “Really, Shy? A lie detector?” He leans forward, placing his elbows on his knees. “What are you really worried about, baby?”

“What? Nothing… that’s why I needed to talk to you. Kade told me about this last night and I freaked. I mean, I don’t want to interfere with something he has worked so hard for. I think I should put some distance between us.”

Ryder just stares at me, saying nothing.

After a few seconds of this, I ask, “What? Say something. Don’t you agree?”

“I’m not making it that easy for you Shyanne.” He shakes his head and leans back, getting comfortable for the speech I see coming. “Here’s what I think.”

Here we go.

“I think you like him. I think Kade was talking about his future last night and maybe said something about you being in it.”

How the hell?

Ryder’ s not done with his mind reading session. “When he starting talking long-term, you freaked. You don’t like to think about long-term with anyone, not even friends, because that means you care about them. So you realized you’ve let your guard down and you’ve let him in. Now you want to push him back out.”

Damn, I hate his ninja mind reading abilities.

“Whatever,” I say, slouching back into the chair.

“Tell me I’m wrong,” Ryder challenges.

I scrub my face then gesture frantically. “I’m going to have to move, and you know that. Something will happen, and I’ll have to be relocated. Then what? I’ll tell you what. I’ll lose everyone again. So, yes, I don’t like thinking about the future because I have no control over it.”

Ryder gets up to sit next to me on the couch. “You’re right, that could happen, but you can’t live your life waiting for it to happen. There is a chance you’ll never have to be relocated, and there’s a chance Marco could be caught next week. So, you to decide how you are going to live the life you have now. Are you going to embrace it, or are you going to hide from it?”

I know hiding is safe, but is safe how I want to keep living?

***

That night and over the next two days, I avoid Kade. I even sleep at Ryder’s so that he can’t climb into my bed. I only go to the apartment when I know he’s in class. Keegan and Gemma question me, but don’t push when I don’t answer.

I know that now is a turning point for us, especially for me. I’ll continue this “friendship” thing with Kade, the way it is going, I know we will cross over the just-friends line very soon. So, I can choose to put space between us, put a decisive end to our growing close, and keep myself safe from losing him once I’m too close. Or, I can let the relationship progress along its natural path.

Kade texts me regularly, and when I tell him, on day two, I just need a little space, he agrees to give me a little. He then quotes the definition of space as being a boundless three-dimensional blah, blah, blah, and he’s not willing to give me that much. I have to smile at his very Kade-like way of putting limitations on my time.

After only a couple days away from him, I already miss him. The truth is, I know I’m going to go back to him, I just don’t know when I’ll find the strength to do it.

Chapter 18

On day three of avoiding Kade, Gemma calls insisting I go out with them. In her passive way, she accuses me of being a bad friend. Because she has the ability to make me feel incredibly guilty, I agree. So that evening Ryder drops me off at The Hole.

The girls are already there and have a shot waiting for me, but I refuse. The last thing I need, on top of all my other drama, is to show my ass on stage again. So I get a beer from Nate and rejoin the girls.

Two hours later, both Keegan and Gemma are drunk. I’m pretty sure they are drunk four out of seven nights. Keegan is currently practicing the art of creating perfect cleavage, as Gemma takes her picture to let her see the results. Honestly, I have no idea how these two have gotten through four years of college.

Although I haven’t partaken in the dance with my Mexican friend, I’m still having a great time. I really needed time with these two to make me smile, and I laugh so hard my cheeks hurt.

During my last trip to get a beer, I see Luke come through the front door. I immediately look away. This is the first time I’ve seen him since my batshit crazy moment. Heading back to the table, I chance a peek and see him watching me. He smiles and gives me the old chin lift. I return the smile, but leave out the chin lift. I’m pretty sure that’s only supposed to be used by guys.

When I get back to the table, Keegan and Gemma inform me they want to dance. I wave them off. “Not tonight,” I say, then add, “Besides, I see someone I want to talk to.”

Being drunk, neither asks who, or even seems to care. They scurry off to the dance floor and wiggle their way into the crowd.

I should leave well enough alone with Luke, but, well… we were kind of friends. And I would like to apologize for that night. So, I walk toward the table where he’s sitting with a couple of guys I don’t know.

As I approach him I'm biting my bottom lip and lift my brow, feeling embarrassed. I ask Luke if we can talk and he instantly stands, leading me to a corner. When I begin to speak I realize anyone sitting near us will hear our conversation, so I ask if we can go for a walk. He looks a little concerned by my suggestion, and I’m pretty sure it's because he thinks I'm going to show my crazy again.

“I just want to try and explain my meltdown moment,” I offer, trying to add sarcasm to lighten to mood. 

Luke chuckles and shakes his head, “You are the only girl I know who could make a joke about that situation and still be fucking adorable.” He then leans in and looks as though he is going to wrap an arm around me. He pauses with his arm outstretched, then reaches up and pats me on the head. “Let’s go,” he says, and I bite my cheek, trying not to laugh. Although it’s sweet that he doesn’t want to freak me out again, the look on his face was laugh worthy.

After a quick trip to tell the girls I’m leaving, we leave.

Luke only lives a few blocks from The Hole so we walk the short distance to his house. Just a couple minutes into the trip, Luke asks, “Are we going to have a conversation about real shit tonight, or do you want to pretend this is all normal?”

I rub my face with both my hands, feeling emotionally exhausted but knowing I have to give Luke something. I turned into a nutcase last time we were together, and he deserves some explanation.

I drop my hands and look up to the sky. “We can talk about real shit, but only a little.” I pull my gaze back down and over to Luke. “I can only share so much.”

Luke nods. “I’ll take it.”

Once we get back to Luke’s place we go straight to his room. I move to sit on the bed, leaning against the wall, and Luke chooses to sit on the floor across the room, also leaning against the wall.

“What happened that night?” He lifts both hands in front of him. “I’m not asking for everything, just give me something. I feel like shit, but I have no idea what I did wrong.”

I sigh and pull my knees up to my chest. “I’m fucked-up, Luke. I know you probably figured that out already, but now I’ve proved it.”

He is biting the inside of his lip and staring at me, not blinking. I can tell he’s about to ask me a question I’m not going to want to answer.

“What happened to you, Shy?” he asks, confirming my thoughts. “I mean, I’m no psych major, but I can tell you’ve been hurt.”

I pause to consider my words. “I have triggers. When people, specifically men, touch me, I have flashbacks.” There, that says enough without saying much.

“I’m sorry,” he says, then a flash of understanding crosses his face. “Kade touches you. I’ve seen him.” He laughs humorlessly. “I’ve watched far too closely when you two are together.”

Now I feel the need to apologize. “I’m sorry,” I begin, but he waves me off.

He draws in a long breath and stretches his legs out in front of him. “Kade came to see me that weekend; the next morning. I didn’t tell him anything. Hell, I don’t know anything to tell him, but he wanted answers. He cares about you, Shy.” He watches me, waiting for an indication I’m surprised by this news. He shakes his head, beginning to look a little frustrated.

He pauses for a long time, considering his words. Just when I think he’s not going to continue, resignation crosses his face, and he says, “You make me want more.” He must see my panic because he rushes to explain. “After spending time with you, I started to see something I really liked. So… I decided not to sleep with any other girls.” At this admission my eyes grow wide. “That’s right, I haven’t been with another girl since you and I met.”

I am completely shocked. Then I become concerned. Has Luke been waiting for me to get over my crazy? What does he want from me now?

Again he rushes to explain. “Don’t worry, I’m not going to ask you for more, not again. I’m smart enough to know when I’m in over my head. You deserve more than a guy who wants a date and maybe a dance under the sheets. I’m just saying that you’ve made me… take a look at the kind of girls I typically look for. I think I’m looking for someone different… and sweet, like you.”

I hear Luke get up and walk closer, and then I see his shadow over me. I don’t look up so he sits on the floor next to me, getting in my line of sight. “Look at me, Shy.” I lift my eyes, but that’s all; I just don’t have the strength to do more right now. “You are very sweet, and very beautiful, and very fun.” My face is still pressed to my knees, but Luke lifts one hand and brushes the hair off my cheeks, then seems surprised when I don’t jump away. “Come on, we need to get you home.”

I stand up and brush off my pants, trying to avoid eye contact with Luke. It doesn’t matter because he reaches out and slowly pulls me in for a hug. He watches my face for any sign that he is going to send me to crazytown again. I finally give in and lean into him, wrapping my arms around his neck. I say only, “Thank you.”