Shy Kinda Love (17 page)

Chapter 27

Over the next few days, Kade and I struggle to find a rhythm that fits us; most of our time is spent together, but isn’t too intense. I think that Kade is ready for, and could even handle, the intensity. However, we both know that for this to work, I need slow.

The biggest difference is the kissing. I love the kissing. I’m definitely ready for more intense kissing. In bed at night, Kade will kiss me a little longer than our goodbye kisses, but still it’s not enough for me. I might finally feel comfortable having a guy’s hands and mouth on me, and he is holding back. I know this is another way Kade is trying not to do more than I am ready for, but I want more.

Kade and I go round and round in this pattern for next few days. There are moments on the couch, in my bed, in his bed, and standing in the middle of my living room, that our lips will touch and I feel his tongue touch mine. I know he wants to kiss me more intimately, and I have finally gotten comfortable enough with all of his affection that I want to be kissed.

By Friday night I decide I’m going to have to be the one to take this further. Unsure how to discuss it with Kade, I decide to show him. After brushing my teeth and changing into my sleepwear, I walk to my room. Kade is already in my bed, sitting up against the wall. He has a book in his lap, but when I enter he looks up from his studying to give me that smile that has turned my life upside down.

Without second-guessing my plan, I walk straight to him, not breaking our gaze. I crawl across the bed, shove the book from his lap, and continue my crawl until I’m straddling him. I place my hands on his shoulders, then shift my gaze from his eyes to his mouth. As my eyes linger on his mouth I watch his smile fade and his lips part. He knows what I’m about to do, but he is unsure. So, before he has a chance to question me, I close the distance. I’m holding myself up on my knees, lifted off his lap, as I lean in and take what I have been waiting for him to give me.

As our lips come together I immediately open mine so that my intentions are clear. I slide my tongue across his lower lip, then I test it further. As I explore his mouth I move my hands from his shoulders to either side of his face. I feel a combination of anxiety and relief as I show Kade what I need from him. Kade places both hands on my hips and pushes back slightly, causing me to pull away from his mouth. He looks at me with questioning eyes, but instead of answering or even nodding, I lean back in and kiss him even deeper.

Although it’s clear Kade wants this just as much, he pushes on my hips again. I’m still holding his face in my hands. I can feel the rapid rise and fall of his chest against mine as he asks, “Are you sure?”

I slowly lower myself onto his lap, allowing myself to feel what exactly this is doing to him. I consider which words might help Kade understand what I need. Then I explain, “It’s my right, my choice, to feel this, to feel desire. That choice was taken from me years ago. I feel it now, though. Please, Kade, don’t take this from me.”

Kade draws in a shaky breath and drops his head to my shoulder. “Filly… you disarm me,” he says, pulling me closer to him.

“I know I’m not ready to go very far. I just want to feel what it’s like to have you kiss me like you can’t get enough. I’ll let you know before it goes too far.”

“Promise,” Kade asks. “My biggest fear is that I’ll push you too far and you’ll turn and ride away.”

I smile at his horse reference as I pull one hand from around his neck and place it on his cheek. “I know, and although I struggle to trust anyone, I believe you would never do anything to purposely hurt me.”

With that, Kade claims my mouth in a kiss that is more intense than all the other ones combined.

That night I have my first makeout session with a boy, and I learn to embrace the feelings of a teenage girl.

***

I was hoping our first weekend together would be quiet and low-key, allowing me to adjust to all of these new ideas and feelings. Unfortunately, our first weekend together is also the weekend Max and Adrian decide to throw their first party of the semester. Since our apartments are virtually one, that means ours will be invaded too. Having no desire to deal with so many people, I considered going to Ryder’s for the evening, but the girls insist I stay, claiming we need a fun night together.

After some extensive conversation with Kade, I have decided to share some of my story with Keegan and Gemma.

So, before too many people show up for the party, I pull Gemma and Keegan into my room. Then, for the second time in twenty-four hours, I do something I trained myself to never do again. I trust.

I grab my desk chair and pull it up to the bed, where both of them are sitting. I reach out and grab a hand from each of them. “Listen, you know I’m not good with words or sharing, so bear with me,” I tell them, trying to make light of what I am about to do. “Although we’ve only known each other for a few months, you both know I am pretty messed-up because of my past. Although you have, at times, gone to great effort to get me to talk, I’ve never been able to trust anyone enough to tell my story. Well, I’ve told Kade most of the details of my personal horror story.”

I stop, dropping both of their hands so I can stand and pace. “I can’t relive all of it again, right now with both of you, but you deserve to know a little.” I stop pacing when I am in front of the window that faces our driveway. I close my eyes and just let the words come. “When I was fourteen years old, my dad started pimping me out to protect his own ass.”

I hear both of them gasp then instant they are at my side. I put up a hand, telling them to not speak yet. If they interrupt me I know I’ll not be able to tell any more. “It went on for almost another four years before I finally stood up to my dad. That night, Ryder came to get me, we packed some of my things, and never went back.” I wrap both of my arms around my waist, feeling extremely nauseated.

I hear nothing from my two friends, nothing but their staggered breathing. Then I feel a hand on one of my shoulders, and then on the other. Both Gemma and Keegan lean in, wrapping their arms around me, and I can hear them quietly crying. They ask no questions and make no judgment. It’s only then that I realize how much I have been missing out on. These girls really care about me, and will not turn their backs on me, regardless of my issues.

***

After the girls and I rejoin the party, I see Kade immediately. He is standing in the doorway of the kitchen, closest to my bedroom. He gives me a wink, then says something to the guy he’s talking to. A moment later he’s at my side, with one arm around my shoulder and his mouth at my temple. He doesn’t ask how it went, or what was said, because he knows more talking will do no good. And because of that, I feel something inside myself being pulled closer to him.

The doors to both of our apartments are left open so that people can wander between the two. The food is set up in our apartment and the bar is arranged in the guys’ kitchen. Mostly people go to the boys’ place to mix their drinks or fill their cups from the keg, then they come back to our place to sit and talk or playing drinking games.

Several times Kade pulls me off into a corner or into a bedroom just to wrap his arms around me and tell how happy he is that we’re together. Once, he pulls back from the embrace and holds my face in both of his hands, his lips just a breath from mine. I can feel every breath he pulls in and each one he lets out. I watch as his eyes shift from each of my eyes, then down to my mouth, as if he’s torn over what part of me to look at. His thumbs stroke gently over my cheekbones, and I know he can feel the race of my heart in the pulse behind my ears. In that moment, I felt that new feeling, the one that used to feel so wrong. I feel desire.

Before the party is even halfway over, Kade and I slip off to my room. I climb onto my bed, then turn to watch Kade lock the door. Instead of joining me in bed, he walks over to my closet and begins digging around. Before I can ask what he is doing, Kade faces me, hands behind his back. As he walks towards me, I can see a gift bag swinging behind him.

“What are you doing? Why are you pulling stuff out of my closet?”

He stands in front of me, both hands behind his back and a sneaky half-smile on his face. “I saw something today that reminded me of you, so I got it. I hid it in here earlier,” Kade explains.

I narrow my eyes at him, uncomfortable with the idea of him getting me a gift.

“You don’t scare me, Filly, so you can stop trying to intimidate me with that look. Besides, as your boyfriend, I have the right to buy you gifts whenever I want.”

He called me his girlfriend. I can’t help the stupid smile that widens across my entire face. “Your girlfriend,” I say. It’s not a question; I’m just trying it out.

Kade drops onto his knees in front of me, setting the bag next to him. He puts his hands on my waist and pulls me to the edge of the bed so that his chest is positioned between my legs. “Yes, my girlfriend,” he throws back. “Go ahead and say it as many times as you need. I love hearing it as much as I think you love saying it.”

He’s right, I do kinda love saying it, but I’m not going to wear it out. While I continue to smile, and repeat this new word over in my head, Kade reaches into the gift bag and pulls out a stuffed white horse. When he sets it on my lap I realize it’s not just a horse. It’s a winged horse: a Pegasus. Kade got me a flying horse.

As I sit staring at this mythical creature, Kade lifts a hand to cup my cheek. “You told me that you don’t believe in flying horses.” He points to the stuffed horse on my lap. “I know it’s not the flying horse you had in mind, but let’s be honest. Do you and I do anything the normal way? We can do whatever we want, Shy, we might just have to get creative sometimes.”

“Where do you come up with this stuff, Kade? I mean, really, no normal guy says such perfect things off the top of his head.”

Kade winks then nods back to my new stuffed friend. “I don’t want you to think I’m cheap. I have something else for you, but it’s going to be a couple weeks before I can give it to you.”

I raise my brow. “You confident we’ll last two weeks?”

Before I can even laugh at my own joke, Kade has me lifted off the bed and flipped over so I’m on my stomach. His hand connects with my ass and I yelp. “Don’t joke about that shit, Shy,” Kade warns, but there is laughter behind it.

“You just spanked me,” I shout, as I try to push up off the bed. Kade’s hand is on the small of my back, holding me in place.

“No more jokes, Shy. Tell me you get it.”

Now I’m laughing so hard I couldn’t get up if I wanted to. “I get it,” I manage to say between breaths.

He smacks my ass again. “That was just to help you remember.” Then he moves his hand and I roll onto my back. Kade is moving in to lean over me with that change-your-life smile telling me he is having just as much fun as I am.

As much as I want to believe I can protect my heart from this boy, I know his words and that smile already have a secret passageway under my walls.

Chapter 28

When I wake the next morning, Kade’s arm squeezes around my waist and I feel his lips press against the back of my head. “Good morning, beautiful,” he whispers.

“Good morning,” I reply, knowing he can likely hear the smile in my voice.

“You sound happy,” he says, confirming my thoughts. “Which is awesome because I happen to be happier than I’ve ever been.” He kisses the top of my head. “I love you, Filly.” I close my eyes and take in his words, then I just nod. “It’s okay, I can wait until you’re ready to accept your feelings.”

I decide to use avoidance. “Listen, Kade, I need to go to the barn today. I think Tanner’s almost ready to go home. His family is coming today to see his progress.” I twist in place until I am facing him. “I’m so excited for Isaac to show them how far he’s come.”

I’ve talked with Kade about Isaac; about how he and Tanner seem to be working together to heal. He doesn’t know the details, but he knows that Isaac has his own demons to fight. He also understands that working with Tanner has helped Isaac with that fight.

We eat breakfast together, and I try not to throw up looking at his Captain’s Surprise cereal. I leave for the barn while he stays home to catch up on the schoolwork he has been neglecting due to my drama.

***

When I arrive at the barn, Isaac is already there, having been dropped off by a worker at the home. He is helping Angie with feeding when I enter the barn. Angie comes to talk to me about Tanner’s progress and allows Isaac to finish feeding. Isaac has spent so much time here I’m pretty sure he could do a feeding and turn out all by himself.

“I am so proud of you, Shyanne,” she begins after hugging me. This has become her new way of greeting me. “I’ve been watching you and Isaac with Tanner, and your process is amazing. It’s like you’re slowly reintroducing Tanner to everything in his life. What made you decide to try it that way?”

I took a look in the mirror and realized everything about life terrified me. So I slowly began reintroducing myself to everything in life, and that seemed to work.
Of course I don’t say that.

“It started with Isaac and his connection with Tanner,” I tell her, which is still very true. “We took it one day at a time, having no expectations.”

Angie smiles and looks like she wants to hug me again, so I take a step back. “Hey, I need to talk to Isaac before Tanner’s family gets here.”

Isaac and I are standing in the drive, discussing our plan for Tanner, when a huge truck pulls in and parks next to the barn. The silver GMC Sierra looks nearly brand new. When the passenger door opens, I can almost smell leather wafting across the drive. Mrs. Vale climbs down from her perch on the front seat. Although she must be forty-five years old, her energy and enthusiasm rival that of a teenager. She smiles and waves as she closes her door. Her husband is rounding the front of the truck when the back door opens. Mr. Vale is not as chipper or fashionable as his wife, but he is a nice man.

As Sarah climbs out of the truck I hear Isaac mutter, “Damn.” I laugh lightly. Of course that would be his reaction.

The family approaches, and I introduce Isaac. I’d spoken to Mrs. Vale weeks ago, to get permission for Isaac to work with Tanner. They don’t know his story, but they know he’s a ward of the state because we had to have his social worker sign a release-of-liability form. When I introduce Sarah to him, she smiles shyly and averts her eyes. I have to bite back my smile when I notice the pink color suffusing her cheeks.

In order to avoid the awkwardness, I ask Isaac to go get Tanner from his stall.

I see Mrs. Vale stiffen at my request, then she asks, “Are you sure that’s a good idea? I mean, you said he doesn’t have experience with horses. With Tanner’s history of unpredictable behavior, should he be going alone to handle him?”

I expected this exact reaction, so I’m prepared. I shoo Isaac away to go fetch the horse, then I turn to the family. “I know that you’ve had some dangerous experiences with Tanner in the past, but what I need from you today is to forget all your history with him. I need you to approach this visit as though this is your first time meeting him. Introduce yourself to him just as you would any other strange horse you meet, paying close attention to his body language.”

Mrs. Vale is nodding, as if what I’m telling her makes complete sense. Sarah, on the other hand, is watching the barn door, waiting for either her horse or the new interesting boy. When they both appear, I see the huge smile spread across her face and I know instantly it’s for the horse. I can see the pure joy this horse brings her, because it’s exactly what Walker does for me.

The family does exactly as I instructed and the re-introduction goes great. Sarah leads Tanner back into the barn, where she and Isaac work together, preparing the horse to be ridden. My heart swells a little with pride as I watch Isaac talk about the process of getting Tanner used to the saddle. Sarah is listening, and at the same time watching her horse for any signs of stress. I want to take a video of this moment so I can watch it when I have bad days.

By the time we get out to the arena, the family has relaxed and they are just enjoying watching Tanner, with his new attitude about life. However, when Isaac begins to mount the horse, Mrs. Vale can’t help her anxiety. “Wait, he’s going to ride? Does he know how to ride?” she asks, worrying her hands.

“No,” I say. “Isaac is just learning how to ride.”

I see the panic on everyone’s faces, so I tell Isaac to wait. I step in front of Mrs. Vale and reach out, closing both of my hands around hers. “You have to let go of the past,” I tell her, looking into her eyes. “That’s how we finally broke through to Tanner. We stopped thinking about how to fix him, and we let him show us the way. We let go of all our plans, and our visions of all the things he could do, and we trusted him. We let Tanner show us who he is, what his fears are, and what he loves to do.” I turn back to Isaac and nod, indicating he can proceed. As he pulls Tanner to the right, I lead the family to the gate, where we can watch more closely.

I begin giving Isaac direction on how to ride, at times telling him to turn the horse, make him stop, or squeeze his legs to make him walk faster. When I turn and see the awe on Mrs. Vale’s face, I let her know what Isaac and I learned from Tanner last week.

“Once we broke through the anxiety, I was able to find his strength.” I shift my eyes back to the arena, where Isaac now has Tanner turned and walking toward us. “Tanner’s a lesson horse,” I say, unable to hide my proud smile for both boy and horse. “I assume he used be a lesson horse, before the abuse; maybe a previous owner. Anyway, he is super patient and very comfortable with an inexperienced rider on his back. Actually, he does better for Isaac than he does for me.”

When Sarah turns to look at me, I see a tear lingering at the corner of her eye. “I loved him before, but I love him so much more now,” she says. She reaches up to pet Tanner’s nose as Isaac stops him in front of her. I see the tear slide down her cheek just before she speaks again. “Thank you, Shyanne. Thank you for taking the time to listen to him and find out who he is, instead of forcing him to be something he’s not.”

I glance up at Isaac and see the muscle in his jaw is clenched, as he is trying to hide how her words affected him.

We make arrangements to get Tanner home next weekend, then we all say our goodbyes. I tell Isaac how great he did today and promise him he can go with us to take Tanner home.

“I’m gonna miss him,” he admits.

My heart warms at his willingness to admit that. I nudge him with my shoulder. “Don’t worry, Angie already has another one lined up for us.”

Before I go home I stop by to see Ryder. He texted yesterday to say he’d be in town for a few days. Although we stay in touch every day, via text, I haven’t seen him in a while. We spend the afternoon catching up, and he makes sure to focus on teasing me about Kade.

“Have you fully embraced this life yet?” he asks, recalling a previous discussion.

I shrug. “Honestly, I try not to, but I think have.”

“What does that mean?”

Picking at a loose seam on the couch, I don’t look up. “I’ve tried not to let myself free-fall into this thing with Kade, but the problem is, I can’t fight against whatever it is that’s pulling me in.”