Sex Tips for Straight Women From a Gay Man (7 page)

SMOOTH SAILING

Unlike women, men do not have built-in lubricants. You can stroke it dry, but only with an extremely gentle touch. For foreplay, however, your saliva is probably the best lubricant, because who knows what you’ll be doing next. If you’re going on to intercourse with a condom, some lubricants will break down the latex. Similarly, if you’re planning some oral action, the taste of your own saliva is far preferable to a mouthful of body lotion.

Although gay men think nothing of dripping a little spit on each other’s parts, you will probably find this rather unladylike.

Instead, work up a mouthful of saliva, and get as much of it into your hand as possible without looking gross. Start at the top and move your hand up, down and all around the penis.

A sip of water from your handy glass of water on the nightstand will hydrate your mouth for the next round.

A HAND JOB IS A LOVELY THING IN ITSELF

We’re always amazed to hear that many women forget about hand jobs once sex moves on to other things. One friend actually called to thank us after his wife performed some manual magic on him. He kept boasting that it made
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Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man
him feel like he was seventeen again, and back in high school.

A good hand job is always a sensual alternative, and can be a potent pleasure when combined with other things.

However, if a hand job is the headline act, and sometimes his twitching penis will make the choice before you do, there are several top-notch lubricants known to all gay men. While a woman may feel reluctant to put lube on herself, it is essential to lubricate a guy. Your knowledge of this tip alone puts you head and shoulders above the rest. The pump bottle of lotion by the bed is an absolute necessity, since you only need one hand to get a couple of squirts each time you need some more.

Who needs to deal with flip-tops, squeeze bottles and screw-off caps? Whether it’s Lubriderm or a generic CVS brand, it must be unscented. Men don’t want to smell like a can of air freshener. The lotion bottle is also discretion at its best, because when you’re not using it for sex you can always use it on your skin. While gay men would know in an instant why the lotion was perched next to the bed, most straight guys would think you just take great care of your soft and supple skin. What do you care what he thinks?

Other water-based lubricants such as Aqua-lube, K-Y and Wet also work well. Gay men swear by Wet, noting that just one application is good for a whole hand job. We don’t think it comes in a pump bottle yet, but maybe it will if enough good customers demand it.

The amount of lubricant to use will depend on whether it’s a high-impact hand job or a low-impact hand job. You’ll know what he wants by his response. A high-impact performance is hard and hot, using high speed, high pressure and
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lots of lube. A low-impact job is slow and sweet, using a lighter touch and much less lube. A final tip on lubricant is don’t overdo it; if it gets too slippery, he won’t feel anything at all, and your hot hand technique will be wasted.

THE STROKE

The importance of proper hand technique cannot be overemphasized. Like your favorite local restaurant, it’s always there, it’s always good, and you go back to it again and again. Learn this stroke and you’ll have more men fighting for you than for Helen of Troy.

We have distilled the essence of the magic stroke into four simple steps: Up, Twist, Over and Down. Your first inclination will be to grasp his penis like a doorknob. Resist this. If lying side by side, the back of your stroking hand should be facing his stomach; fingers on top, thumb underneath, making a ring around the shaft. Press your
other
hand around the base of his penis; your fingers are flat on his pubic hair, your thumb goes under the base. Thumb and forefinger form an L, sort of like a hand signal to stop, but he’ll want you to go, go, go. This constant, firm pressure on the base, about as much as it would take to push a heavy revolving door, directs the sensation to his penis, keeps it stiff and smooth, and has the added bonus of making his dick look bigger than a ballistic missile—at least from his point of view. Starting at the base with your stroking hand, steadily glide up to the tip. When you reach the head, swivel your hand so that your full palm goes over the top, then come straight down to the base. Barely let go, even as you
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prepare for the next stroke, because maintaining contact feels great for him.

One girlfriend called to report on her use of the up, twist, over and down technique just days after learning it. She said that her husband was moaning, “ooh”-ing, and cooing like a pigeon—something she’s never seen before. She used her handy bottle of Lubriderm, put both hands into position and went to town. So did he, adding that he liked the fact that she was in control. We gave her high marks for being such a quick study. We also heard through the grapevine that her husband bought her a pair of diamond stud earrings that week, just for the heck of it.

So your next question is: How hard do I squeeze it? The answer is probably “Harder than you think.” About as much pressure as you would use to grip a Nautilus machine, unless you’re bench-pressing two hundred pounds. In other words, you want to hold a diet Coke, but you don’t want to crush the can. If you feel you want to practice, try picking up a tube of slice-and-bake cookie dough. While it will be larger than most of the guys you’ll encounter, the consistency is just about right for practice. Stroke the tube hard enough to leave a slight impression, but not hard enough to leave a dent. And, after practicing with your girlfriends, it’s always nice to relax with some fresh-baked cookies and a cup of tea. Your husband or boyfriend will be none the wiser.

There are three basic positions for hand action: side by side, guy straddling above, and woman between his legs. The stroke is pretty much the same in each, with slight variations.

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Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man
Side by side

Gay men tend not to prefer the side-by-side position, but straight couples tend to end up this way. As discussed above, begin slowly and use the up, twist, over and down technique starting with the back of your hand facing his belly.

Man Straddling Woman

This is the position most preferred by gay men. You are on your back with your knees bent, and he straddles over your stomach on his knees. Place one hand at the base of his penis in the L formation discussed above. This time, the back of your other, stroking hand will be facing
your
belly while you engage in the up, twist over and down technique. Both of you will have a great view of his love wand, and while you’re tossing him off he can do a little hand action on you, too—one hand on your breast and the other on your snatch. Of course, he’ll need some degree of coordination for this, but that’s a whole other book that he’ll have to buy for himself. A little pelvic thrust action by both of you can liven things up even more.

And you can skip your “tighter assets” class at the gym the next day, too.

Between His Legs

Another great position, which gives you maximum freedom and control, is called French polishing. This position has him on his back, legs apart, with you kneeling in between. Again, the up, twist, over and down technique is performed by the stroking hand, while the other hand presses
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firmly at the base in the L position. He’ll be turned on by seeing his own shaft make its skyward ascension. What did Adam say to Eve when he started getting an erection? “Stand back, I don’t know how big this thing’s going to get.” Ever wonder why men think this joke is so funny?

VARIATIONS ON A THEME

While up, twist, over and down is your basic technique, you’ll want to mix in some other moves. The head rub is another excellent variation. This is done by gently rubbing just the back of the penis head, not the tippy-top and not the underside, with the palm of your hand. This part of the head is perhaps the most sensitive part of the penis; in most men the head rub produces a joyous mixture of tremors, moaning and shudder-ing—the closest approximation we can think of is when you rub a dog’s belly and his leg starts twitching. This stroke will tend to bring your guy close to orgasm, so don’t do it for too long at a time.

Another variation is to use just your thumb and index finger to make a ring around the penis. This move will feel most like intercourse to him, and you will want to use a pretty tight grip.

The sensation of the rim of his rod popping through your tightly squeezed fingers is what will most excite him.

A variation on the L formation of the base hand is to hold his testicles. Place your hand, palm up, under his balls, then use your thumb and index finger to make a fairly tight ring at the top of the sac. His balls will then rest in your palm. A slight downward tug will not only make Mr. Stiffy
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Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man
stand up, it will also make his balls smooth so that you can stroke them. Massage them gently with your stroking hand between strokes on his penis.

If you’re feeling especially adventurous, try inserting a finger into his bottom. Apply a little lubricant to your finger, massage his back door area and insert slowly. His reaction will tell you how far in to go. You can also try just massaging the area without actually going in. He may be shocked that you did this, but he may also end up begging for more.

All, or any combination, of these techniques together should make for a very satisfying orgasm. Just before he comes—you’ll know this is imminent when he starts to hyperventilate and contort his face into all kinds of weird positions—move straight into the ring technique, and stroke very quickly and with a good amount of pressure. Don’t move the base hand away.

Allow him to thrust his hips at the same time, while being careful not to lose your grip. Soon you’ll hear his ecstatic moans. Once he begins to climax, lighten up your stroke con-siderably, and prepare to let go. When he

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starts shivering, convulsing and screaming outrageous gibber-ish, it’s time to let go.

NOTES ON THE LONG HAUL

In discussing the actual orgasm, we realized that there is an incredible gender gap in men’s and women’s perceptions of ejaculation. Danny kept talking about the thrill of seeing it happen, while Maggie insisted that women really don’t care.

An informal poll of women, gay men and straight men proved that both were right. Men, regardless of their orientation, love to see themselves ejaculate, while women, for the most part, can’t understand at all why this should be so thrilling.

What most women don’t know is that men compare the distance of their ejaculation to an Olympic event. Unlike the javelin thrower, however, they will probably never win a gold medal for it. But given the chance and a couple of drinks, they are apt to look back on their longest shot with the same fond nostalgia as a game-winning touchdown from their high school days. One man was so impressed by his roommate’s teenage ability to consistently hit the ceiling that he still talks about it thirty years later. So don’t be surprised if your partner hauls back and takes aim at those Monet haystacks in the poster above your bed. While you may not want his load all over your face, be a good sport and pretend to be somewhat interested.

And try not to jump out of the way as if someone just yelled

“Fire” in a crowded sample sale.

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6

“You Know How to Whistle,

Don’t You? Just Put Your Lips

Together and…”