Sex Tips for Straight Women From a Gay Man (2 page)

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Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man
without a care in the world, much less wondering if he was thinking, “Gee, this is really one hot hippo mama.”

Without disparaging the joys of the animal kingdom, we human beings are blessed with the additional consciousness of the physiological and emotional pleasures associated with sex. Moreover, we are taught from an early age to excel at whatever we do. But again, girls are faced with a classic di-lemma. Sure, they can “use what they’ve got to get what they want,” but without full-time possession of all the tools, girls face an obvious disadvantage in having to hone their skills on temporary loan equipment. And remember, practice makes perfect.

So where does a woman go to learn more about sex? When you are younger, the only really down-and-dirty talks you could have about sex were with your girlfriends, and best girlfriends at that! Remember those pajama parties where everyone made a fist and practiced kissing their hands? How about putting on lipstick and kissing the mirror to determine what was just the right amount your lips should be parted for a kiss? How about a
kiss
kiss? And what about the once-dreaded but later sought-after French kiss? Okay, you say, that’s kid stuff, what about when girls get older? We offer as Exhibit A any Thursday night in the cramped cubicle of a sor-ority house or women’s dorm. The conversation revolves around who did or didn’t “go all the way,”* what some jerky guy tried to do or maybe, just maybe, the virtues of vibrators

*The phrase going all the way was a polite way of describing sexual intercourse prior to
the 1960s. Post-1960s vernacular would, undoubtedly, use the more descriptive but less
metaphoric term to get laid or to hook up.

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Preface

for taking the edge off all that exam-cramming. These talks are a great way to compare notes but not one girlfriend could really tell you what was going on in the guy’s head, or any other part of his body, for that matter.

When you were a bit older, maybe you had a boyfriend or husband who would string together a couple of choice words like “Wow, that was great!” But such nondescript utterances offered few clues about what you actually did that was so great. Obviously, both men and women know that it is poor bedroom etiquette to point out the faults of one’s partner. So how does a woman know what was great? How does she know if he liked it because of what she specifically did or because he’s a satisfied and contented good sport? Ask any woman who has ever said to a guy, “Do you like it like this or do you like it like that?” and the answer most probably was, “I like whatever you do.” Men are gracious and, furthermore, they know well enough not to let the screen door hit them on the way out.

So women don’t have the equipment to practice what feels good on themselves. Even those fortunate enough to have had a boy toy, a lover, or a husband cannot really count on getting an honest report card or performance evaluation. Women know that they are usually not going to find out anything real from their partners if that partner happens to be a man. So what’s a woman to do? The only truly accurate way to learn the sexual tricks of the trade, or what makes a guy really moan, is to go straight to the source: a man. This man needs to be someone special, who not only knows his own preferences but who has had the opportunity to know the preferences of a number of other guys. Who better than an

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Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man
honest-to-goodness gay man? He knows things most straight guys don’t even know about themselves.

This handy little book is not written as a clinical manual, and it’s not primarily designed to help a woman snare a guy.

It does offer inside tips that only an expert would know. And it certainly makes no guarantees that if you learn the tips you’ll be the most popular woman this side of Bangkok. Rather,
Sex
Tips
is like a good coach for the sport of our choice. It gives women the inside track, direct from the source, on how to do what you already do, only better. And, along the way, it mentions some other things that make guys feel
really great
. Most important, it describes in detail how to do them. As with any exercise program, we recommend a thorough checkup with your physician before beginning. Do what’s right for you, what’s right for your partner, and feel free to pass on anything you choose.

If you’re a youthful novice or a thrice-married veteran, you probably want to be terrific at one of life’s most pleasurable activities. Whether it’s with your boyfriend, your husband or the pizza delivery boy,
Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay
Man
can only make it better. And if you’re lucky enough to have it great already, think of all the fun you’ll have practicing.

xiv

Acknowledgments

We owe a great deal of thanks to our many friends who have shared their stories and listened to our endless questions. So thank you to Stephen, Paul, Danny Y., Ron, Tina, Mark, Barbara and Lee, Hilary and Bruce, Rob, Carol and Emily, Loretta, Ar-turo, Debbie, Neil, Todd, Jonathan and Joe, Peter L., Wanda and Sandra, Tony, Jay, Philip, and
les hommes de Paris
, where many tips were picked up and perfected.

Thanks to all the folks at our favorite neighborhood bar who crossed our paths at some point, especially our savvy bartender who was wise beyond his years, those suave B-school guys and, in particular, the hot Norwegian grad student.

Thanks to our moms for being so cool.

Extra special thanks to Amy, our first student; Anna for her feminine feedback; Felicia for clueing us in on Gen-X sex; Lula for capturing the spirit of the book in clever illustrations; Spencer for wise counsel; Peter H. for providing answers to a million questions; Mary, whose Catholic school skills kept us in line; Sam for arousing inspiration; and John, who, even though he clicked his heels to California, shared many of our adventures and lived to tell about them.

And we are forever indebted to Larry and Sharon for getting the ball rolling, to Diana for picking it up, and to Kristin, Tom and Judith for scoring the jump shot. Thank you.

xv

Introduction

The idea for this book arose several years ago during a series of conversations between Danny and Maggie, who have been best friends for many years. Early on in our relationship we established a pattern of close talks over vodka gimlets at our favorite neighborhood bar. We talked about work, we talked about haircuts, we talked about clothes, but usually after the third gimlet, we talked about men—how to find them and how to keep them. If one of us went out on a date, we talked about the guy and what we did, but we never really talked about sex. “Did you get lucky?” was hardly a question we needed to ask, because if one of us did, we were probably on the tele-phone at three in the morning telling the other about it. We were like any other two best friends except Danny was a gay man and Maggie was a straight woman.

When Maggie began dating a man who bought, but was too chicken to wear, a bright yellow Versace jacket, and had silver service for twelve and several Bruce Weber photographs on his wall, we suspected he was gay. Only then did our cocktail conversations turn to sex. It wasn’t that this guy kept turning her over and poking her in the rear. It was something less definite. “What does he like?” Danny asked. “What did he do?

What did you do?” Whatever it was, there was something missing, and Maggie couldn’t quite put her finger on it. She was feeling insecure because if this guy really was gay,
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Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man
then she felt she had no chance of making him happy in bed.

Why? Because somehow Maggie knew that there must be something really special about gay sex because all these guys were doing it. It’s not that he wasn’t trying hard, it’s just that he wasn’t getting hard. It was like trying to stuff a marshmal-low into a keyhole. She also knew that the idea of donning a pink bustier, edible undies and strawberry massage oil wouldn’t cut it. It wasn’t her style. “What can I do?” she finally asked in desperation.

Although she was conducting business as usual, the standard sex scenario wasn’t working. The breakthough came one day after work, after a particularly exasperating night before, when Danny finally asked, “What exactly did you do?” So Maggie got down on the floor, assumed a position, and pantomimed the act as best she could considering that she was wearing a fabulous new Armani pantsuit. Danny was quick to offer advice based on his years of dating in the gay world. While the bustier and massage oil were good for a fleeting moment or a passing giggle, Danny knew that what Maggie needed was some expert technical assistance. It was time to learn a few inside tips.

In good weather, we would meet in the park for brown-bag lunchtime lessons. We could sit for hours after work in our favorite city park discussing dates, designers and dicks.

Cocktail conversations took on a new vigor and enthusiasm.

What’s more, all of our other girlfriends wanted to know, too.

Women of all ages, places and walks of life demanded to be let in on the action. The numerous requests for demonstrations and assistance by phone mounted quickly, and were far more than we could handle. And while

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Introduction

Danny was eager to share the wealth with women everywhere, it was getting out of hand. Women whom he had never even met, and friends of friends, were calling him at work and asking him to explain “the pearl necklace.” They would report back on their successes. “Danny is all that and a bag of chips,”

said one satisfied girlfriend.

Sure enough, the aforementioned man with the yellow Versace went on to a healthy long-term relationship with a guy named Greg. Maggie went on to employ her newfound tips and became very popular. The key thing to remember is that it’s not the act itself that makes an Oscar-winning performance.

Sex is like good conversation: Anyone can talk, but there are some people who just have a winning way with words. It’s not what you say, but how you say it. And who among us couldn’t benefit from a few elocution lessons?

We remember one Super Bowl party consisting of two couples and us. The husbands went on a beer run while we stayed behind sipping margaritas with the wives. No sooner had the car started when one of the women commented that sex had changed since the kids arrived. Maggie responded by saying how vastly improved her sex life was since she took up Danny’s tips. Out came a curiously anatomically correct flashlight and a simple hand job demonstration that lit up their world. Stroking to the rhythm of Peggy Lee’s “Fever,” we soon had four flashlights and were all practicing in sync. “Oooh, what else do you know? Tell me, Danny.” “Well, did you ever try squeezing his nipples?” he asked. The wives looked at each other with a vacant, almost guilty stare. And then they turned to Danny and said, “You mean men have feeling in their nipples, too?” Case closed.

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Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man
It seemed as though the women all agreed on one thing. The early sizzle, when men were so eager to show off their sexual prowess, was long past. Women are taught to let men take the lead, which is fine. But as we all know, men, and their penises, have limited attention spans and need constant entertainment.

Sure, men have sporadic flashes of genius. But for the most part, sex could be reduced to kiss, touch, kiss, touch, kiss, pounce… “That was great for me, was it great for you?” The familiarity of lying side by side with a couple of smooches and caresses is fine, but a little variation to perk up Mr. Stiffy is always a welcome change.

Everybody knows the basics. Taking up these techniques while you’re dating will surely lead to a quick proposal of marriage. Introducing these tips if you’re married or in a long-term relationship will, undoubtedly, lead your partner to suspect you’ve been getting special coaching on the side. Tell him that you have. Tell him whatever you want. But think of this book as your personal trainer, at a fraction of the cost, and you don’t even have to leave your house.

“CAN I SEE YOUR TAN LINES?”

We offer this simple line because a question as innocuous as this can get the ball rolling. When the opportunity to have sex presents itself, men don’t need cryptic, convoluted messages or fancy engraved invitations. On the other hand, they don’t want to be trampled like they’re in a subway at rush hour. So not-so-subtle is the key. Let’s face it. Most women just don’t seem comfortable taking the suggestion of

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Introduction

Marabelle Morgan and greeting their partners at the door wrapped in plastic. Besides feeling like an idiot, you might end up looking like the last bologna sandwich left on the counter of the 7-Eleven that no one wants to buy. Too subtle, like cooking a gourmet dinner at home, will only make him feel full and much too guilty about wanting to jump your bones after you’ve worked so hard. The way to a man’s heart might be through his stomach, but in this case you’re shooting for parts a bit lower. Gay men are masters at coming up with simple lines to get guys to shed their clothes. Besides the tan-lines line, other tried and true lines you might use are: