Sex Tips for Straight Women From a Gay Man (9 page)

Upstanding Citizen

There are two positions that involve your partner standing up.

The first is very basic. We’ve all seen movies where the
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“You Know How to Whistle, Don’t You? Just Put Your Lips Together
guy’s pants are wrapped around his ankles while he gets head from somebody. This type of oral action usually occurs before you even hit the bed, and can be very exciting in the heat of the moment. It’s even better when you use one hand on his balls or nipples. We recommend doing it just long enough to keep things hot, then climb into bed, or you may not even get your bra off before he lets his load loose.

The second standing position is one you might try in the middle of long, sensual foreplay. Coaching him into position may be a bit difficult, since he probably won’t have any idea where you’re going with this. If he’s already standing, then just keep stroking his penis while you get into position on the bed. The basic position is this: The man stands at the side of the bed, while you lay on your back across the bed, your head hanging just a bit over the side. Needless to say, this position won’t work if you’re still sleeping on your college futon. The bed has to be high enough for your mouth to be at the same height as his straight and narrow.

The big advantage to this is that the bend in your neck will allow for maximum entry into your mouth and even your throat. Keep in mind, however, that he will be thrusting his johnson into your mouth, and you will have far less control than you do in other positions. Try placing your hands on his thighs to regulate his movements. If he’s good, he’ll lean forward and massage your outstretched—i.e., firm-looking—body.

He may also begin some oral action on you. But keep in mind that your head is upside down and you probably shouldn’t stay that way too long, or you may end up passing out, and nothing ruins a perfect evening quicker than that.

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Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man
Putting on a Good Face

Another gay movie fave is something that resembles oral intercourse. Suppose you’re kissing and he’s on top, just wriggle down under him until you reach his shaft. Much as he might during intercourse, he’ll know to hold himself up with his arms while he inserts his penis into your mouth. He’ll probably like this a lot since it comes close to intercourse, he can see the action, and there’s really not a lot he can do on you while you’re down there. He’ll also see the rewards of doing regular push-ups at the gym. He’ll probably start thrusting in and out, which means your head can stay in one place. But if he’s too vigorous, or on the smaller scale of things, you need to control his movements with your hands and head. This position can be a little rough on the neck since you have to bob your head up and down to maintain a grip on his penis. Try slipping your buckwheat pillow under your neck and it should be smooth sailing from there.

ADD-ONS

There are a few little extras worth mentioning here that will ensure that your performance goes from Oscar-nominated to award winner. They can be incorporated into the BJ at any point, and the added variation will be fun for you to try and great for him to feel.

Dick Whipping

Don’t worry; we’re not talking leather crops here. Perhaps a better term might be dick slapping, although that
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“You Know How to Whistle, Don’t You? Just Put Your Lips Together
sounds pretty intimidating, too. The movement is simply this: As you slide his shaft out of your mouth, flick his penis against your cheek or neck for a couple of gentle, and we mean gentle, slaps. Try it a little bit harder if he seems to enjoy it. The point of this is not that it’s “rough sex” or anything, it’s simply another sensation that will feel good and round out your best BJ

technique. It also gives you a chance to breathe and recoup for your next round of oral action.

Hummers

A hummer is another light sensation that he will enjoy. A hummer is really just a moan or hum during the BJ, which will create a slight vibration in your throat and, in turn, on his penis. We’re not saying that you need to belt out four bars of

“Don’t Cry for Me, Argentina” during sex, just a low hum or moan in your throat will do nicely. Try changing the pitch of your hum to vary the sensation.

Tinglers

A tingler requires a little advance work, because you’ll need a supply of cinnamon or minty mouthwash nearby. Put a small amount in your mouth; remember that you don’t want to end up swallowing it. As you go back down on him, release the mouthwash slowly so that it drips down his shaft. The tingly sensation will drive him wild, and it has the added bonus of preventing “dick breath” (see below) when you move back to kiss him on the lips.

Your handy glass of water with ice will add yet another
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Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man
super sensation. During one of your delicate sips amidst the oral action, take an ice cube in your mouth. When you go back down on him, the combination of cold ice and the warmth of your mouth will drive him into ecstasy. As the ice melts, it will also keep him well-lubed for extended oral activity. If you’re feeling really adventurous, try taking the cube out of your mouth and sliding it up and down his manshaft. The warmth of your mouth after that will feel like a cashmere blanket to him, so this might also be a good time to mention how much you’d like a Chanel cashmere twin set.

LAST WORD

Perhaps your biggest concern about the world’s best BJ is gagging. Well, there are times when smaller can be infinitely more manageable. There is no surefire way we know of to completely prevent gagging every time. A lot of it has to do with your relaxation level, and how comfortable you feel. A lot has to do with the control of your breathing. The tips in this book are designed to make you feel confident and in control no matter what you are doing, or with whom you are doing it. Relax your muscles. Your first reaction when a hot rod is heading toward the back of your throat is to tense up. Remember that Mr. Stiffy is your friend and that he will only feel as comfortable as you do. Also, the less your neck and head are bent, the more room you will have to fit his penis inside your mouth. The best way to prevent gagging is to coordinate your breathing with the in-and-out movements. Take a deep breath in while you can, then release it through your nose as you go back down on your partner.

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“You Know How to Whistle, Don’t You? Just Put Your Lips Together
A NOTE ON SWALLOWING

Gay men never swallow. Yes, you heard it here, and it may not be true 100 percent of the time, but for the most part, they don’t. Besides being somewhat unsafe, it also takes away the thrill of seeing someone ejaculate. We know that to some of you, that thrill is on a par with seeing a
National Geographic
special on penguins, and Maggie insists that she gets absolutely nothing out of seeing a man come. Swallowing for women is a thorny issue. Some straight men make a big deal out of it, but that seems inconsequential to us. Without getting into a whole big discussion on the power politics of swallowing, we’re here to tell you that you should
never
do anything you don’t want to. If you choose to swallow, that is your decision.

If you choose not to, then you certainly have nothing to apolo-gize for. Especially since you will have just given him the most spectacular, mind-blowing, spine-tingling BJ he’s ever had.

AFTERWORD

Gay men generally don’t worry about this, but some women we know are concerned about “dick breath” when they kiss their partner after going down on him. This is another of those preconceptions that you should really let go of. Assuming you’re both tidy and have showered within a reasonable amount of time, you shouldn’t have too much to worry about.

If you’re absolutely nuts about it, try taking a sip of water or wine before kissing him. And if he thinks it’s gross, just remember that it was his dick, after all.

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7

Play Ball

Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man
Now that you’ve passed penis preliminaries, you should feel pretty confident that your sexpertise will blow away the competition. By all means, keep practicing. Undoubtedly, your partner’s heavy breathing and occasional gasps will let you know what he likes best. He may even start to tell you; but remember that men, straight or gay, don’t always communicate with words. Stay alert, and don’t get sloppy.

This chapter will introduce you to something that most men feel women know nothing about. All that’s about to change.

Why women are mystified by testicles is something men just can’t comprehend. Danny thinks it’s because so much has been made of men’s fear of a kick in the nuts. But this doesn’t mean you should ignore them; just use your newly acquired tips and handle the fragile merchandise gently. Granted, you may think they’re crinkly and weird, but that sorry-looking sac of sex stuff under your straight and narrow friend can be a potent player in your partner’s pleasure. One man we know loves his balls so much that he can have an orgasm without even touching his penis. Regardless of what you might think, the image of his balls slapping back and forth against your backside or chin is a very exotic and sensual thought to a guy.

We believe that balls have always been treated like unwelcome country cousins. You recognize them when they show up at the door, but you’re not so happy to see them because you have absolutely no idea of what would keep them entertained. Women tend to overlook testicles entirely. Maybe this is because the only time they hear men refer to their balls is when they refer to someone as a ball buster, or
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Play Ball

when they’ve contracted a bad case of jock itch. But most men realize the importance of ball play and, in the locker room, when they’re not snapping each other with wet towels, they usually refer to sex as balling. Even though everyone from Sigmund Freud to
Playgirl
would have you believe that sex is all about dick, listen to your gay friends. They have balls, and they know what to do with them. So turn those country cousins into guests of honor. We’ll teach you to play ball like a major leaguer.

BASIC BALLDOM

First, you need to understand this unique equipment before you step up to the batter’s box. We all know that there are few things a man fears more than a punch in the balls. Because this fear is so ingrained, your partner may even be a little nervous when you begin to grasp him there. Your gentle touch will reassure him that you have no intention of snipping them off.

Once you’ve established the proper grip, he may like you to handle his balls a little more roughly.

There is no other place on the body that must be treated with such delicacy. The extreme sensitivity and vulnerability of the testicles is probably why play ball techniques can be so satisfying. You really have to know what you’re doing here, since pleasure can turn to pain with a flick of the wrist. When in doubt, err on the side of caution and handle with care. Although there are two testicles, you must think of the sac as one unit. Never squeeze them so that they separate. This could hurt big time.

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Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man
TROPHY WINNERS

Just like the variety of balls gleaming on the racks of your local bowling alley, testicles come in different sizes, weights and finishes. They can be smooth, fuzzy or hairy, and vary in size and shape from man to man. They’re even subject to the effects of gravity as a guy gets older. As any league bowler will tell you, good form is just the first step toward winning a trophy.

The topspin from these tips will rock his pins every time.

Straight and gay guys usually don’t dwell too much on the size of their own balls like they do, say, on the size of their magic wands. But ball size is a positive guy-talk metaphor for masculine traits like guts and courage. “Do you believe he had the
balls
to ask his boss for a raise after last year’s lousy P and L statements?” is a form of respect, and one that definitely af-firms the notion of bigger being better. Gay men are a bit more up-front about this and use terms such as basket or box to describe the whole package. The notion is that a big box equals a big penis, but this is not necessarily the case.

A few quick words about hair: Granted, we’re well aware that men in certain gay circles try to emulate the stars in porn flicks, who invariably have smooth, hairless balls. Some say that hair-free balls look bigger and are more sensitive to the touch. We just figure that porn movie moguls want to capture every nuance of action to satisfy their audience, and that it’s probably tough for a camera person to focus in on a dark area.

So movie balls are shaved, and

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Play Ball

probably covered with makeup, for that matter. There are, however, those who shave their balls, and we even know one poor guy who was red and raw for a week after using an over-the-counter depilatory. We still affectionately refer to him as the Hostess Sno-Ball. Nonetheless, most straight guys will not have engaged in these activities, so you will confront a modicum of hair. Our advice to you is simple. Get over it! You have hair and so does he.