Sex Tips for Straight Women From a Gay Man (3 page)

To your banker boyfriend:
“Wow, you’ve been working out. Make
a muscle.”

To your hippie English professor:
“Do you really have a peace sign
tattooed on your thigh?”

To your buttoned-down accountant:
“Wait a second…let me get
that thread off your pants.”

To your doctor:
“Would you mind taking a look at this bite for a
second?”

To your new friend at the bar:
“I have to go. Will you walk me
home? Can you drop me off?”

To the delivery guy:
“Just a minute, my handbag’s in the bedroom.”

To the male model you met at a film screening:
Just forget it!

xxi

Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man
The variations are endless. Most men are bright enough to take the cue. All you have to do is come up with a line that works for you, and then…

JUST GRAB IT

We’ve had numerous conversations about when you’ve gotten the guy into striking distance but are unsure about what to do next. Sure, you can look up into his eyes with a sexy come-hither glance. You can throw your arms around his neck and deliver a deep, wet kiss. Or you can slowly and seductively massage the knots out of his neck or back. These might work, but in the end, there is only one method that is absolutely fail-safe. Take a deep breath, emit a slow, audible exhale, look into his eyes and just grab it.

You’re probably saying to yourself that he’ll think you’re a slut. Well, for a second, maybe. But rest assured that any bad thoughts will be quickly dispelled by the novelty of your taking the lead and by your awesome performance. This
will
make him happy. A little ladylike initiative can go a long way. Just Grab It is more than a piece of advice. It’s a way of life.

xxii

Sex Tips

for

Straight Women

from

a Gay Man

1

Dos and Don’ts

Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man
Before we get into the actual tips, there are some preliminary things you should know. Gay men look at every sexual encounter as a once-in-a-lifetime performance. While women get gold stars for having food in the fridge for the next morning, gay men know that their partners may not hang around that long. They want everything to be perfect and do their best to design the most fabulous experience ever—whether they expect to see that person again or not. So while some of these tips may seem obvious, they’re worth keeping in mind.

CLEAN UP YOUR ACT

A nice shower is always a good idea whether he smells like he just got back from the gym or not. In your old life it may not have mattered, because you were the wide receiver and he was the star quarterback. But now that your hands, mouth and, yes, your nose will be in places they might not have been before—and for a longer time, at that—you’ll want to be sure that he’s squeaky clean. We’re not saying that a natural manly scent isn’t a turn-on, but no one wants to stick their face into an old gym shoe. Hot and sweaty
after
sex is good, but
before
is another matter altogether.

If you’re out on a date, chances are that he took a shower before heading out. But if he just came upstairs from walking the dog or fixing your washing machine, you’ll feel a whole lot better if you’re not gagging from the smell of 3-in-1 oil or other unpleasant odors. Likewise for eliminating that ambient barroom smell of smoke and Scotch.

2

The same thing goes for you. Those silver plastic pants you saw in Vogue may look
hot
, but they might leave you smelling like the beach after a nasty storm. We’re not saying you have to get crazy about this, but it does make things more pleasant.

Rumor has it that Cher, upon sighting a particularly sexy specimen, ordered, “Have him washed and brought to my tent.” She can probably get away with that, but unless you’re Claudia Schiffer or fabulously wealthy, do not, under any circumstances, suggest that he take a shower. This could make him feel momentarily undesirable or inferior to your royal pristineness. It is much better to say, “Hmm, looking at you like that makes me warm. I think I’ll cool off in the shower.”

After that, look him in the eye and remove an article of clothing. He’ll be mesmerized—honest. As you walk toward the bathroom, he probably won’t need any coaxing to join you. If he’s really dense, don’t hesitate to offer a sincere invitation. If that doesn’t do the trick, just say that you feel the need to take a shower. Leave the bathroom door open a bit, get naked, get under the water, and beckon him to bring you more soap, a washcloth or your body lotion from the nightstand (see chapter 2). The rest is up to you.

And while we’re on the subject of you, there are a few other don’ts that women’s magazine sometimes overlook.

BAUBLES AND BEADS

Did you ever notice that gay men might admire your cool jewelry but they don’t wear much of it themselves?

3

Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man
Maybe it’s true that men are dazzled by shiny, dangling earrings and fluffy hair accessories, but he really doesn’t want your tennis bracelet caught in his pubic hair, and neither do you, for that matter. Even the smallest diamond studs, whether they’re in your ears, nose or belly button, can do serious damage. Remember, if it can cut glass, it can cut skin. Ditto on the watch, rings and ankle bracelets.

There’s no doubt that sexy lingerie is a turn-on. It becomes a royal pain when those delicate pearl beads and crystal buttons get tangled and stuck in his chest hair, or leave a dent in his skin. Keep it simple. Chances are very good that you won’t be wearing it for long anyway.

DON’T GET NAILED

While men are fascinated by your fabulous French manicure, and look forward to a gentle back rub with your nails, no one wants to be fishing around in bed for a fake nail tip. If he finds a Vamp lacquered nail tip between the sheets the day after, he might freak out because he doesn’t know what it is, or worse, he might think you’re a total fake. Civilized gay men, and we’ve never known one who isn’t, are fastidious about clipped and filed nails. Keep your nails trim and smooth, because you never know where they might end up.

SCENTS AND SENSIBILITY

Women’s magazines are big on fragrance, but remember, they get paid big bucks to run those ads. Contrary to what
4

the salesperson says, men do not equate a certain fragrance with fabulousness. It doesn’t make any difference anyway. If they can hardly remember your birthday, why would you expect them to remember your perfume? He may like your Windsong on his mind, but not on his sheets, shirts and sofa.

A well-placed dab here and there is fine. Just don’t overdo it.

Also on this subject, the world is now filled with pollutants and allergens to which few are totally immune. A sneezing fit when he leans forward to kiss you is a surefire way to kill the moment.

TIPS ON TEXTURE

Do wear suede, cashmere, silk and leather for their sensual feel or smell. Don’t wear scratchy wools, cheap stiff lace or things that make you sweat like a pig. Another word on texture: You may never suspect it, but your pubic hair can be just as irritating on his lips and chin as his beard can be on your face.

Good sexual grooming tells us that the use of a simple, over-the-counter hair conditioner can prevent a bad case of brush burn.

HAIR HINTS

Before you get overly enthusiastic about running your fingers through a guy’s hair, look at the texture and style. Does it always look exactly the same? Does the feel of it seem a little odd? Don’t make the same mistake Danny did. Every time he ran his fingers through this one guy’s hair, the guy would push his hand away. Suddenly, in a

5

Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man
flash of brilliance, he realized the guy had a weave. So if you’re looking for splendor in the grass, make sure it’s not AstroTurf.

While we’re on the subject, one thing most women have no idea about is how to deal with men’s body hair. While massaging or licking a hairy chest, thigh or calf, do be gentle. Unless you’re lightly tickling him, concentrate on the muscle and not the surface, because an overzealous stroking may seem passionate to you, but it’s a painful hair-pulling for him. Creams, lotions and massage oils can make it even worse. Use them judiciously.

A funny thing happened to two buddies of ours, Freddy and Eduardo, who hooked up one night and got a little over-eager with the massage oil. Bursting from the bedroom in a fit of passion, they bounced from room to room in a series of en-ergetic embraces, hitting just about every wall in the house.

The next morning they were surprised to see their hand, back and butt prints, in oily silhouette, all over the prized antique wallpaper so preciously preserved by Freddy. Don’t overdo it with the oils.

Another tip we recently picked up on the Net was the following warning: “Never tape body parts together.” We concur.

CONVERSATION STOPPERS

Don’t discuss things like periods, rashes, yeast infections, bikini waxing or other things that can make a straight man squeamish.

Save that kind of talk for your girlfriends and gay friends. One international businessman friend of

6

ours was dating a woman who seemed really nice, with a cosmopolitan flair. But after a couple of cocktails, she tipped her hand: She was just another bimbette from the boonies.

While our friend was patient enough to hear about her Donna Karan panty hose, their relationship was over when she started discussing how her power puss punctured the puny panty panel.

BITE BITS

One last tip reminds us of a particularly disappointing encounter with a guy we call the vampire from Lancaster. He was cute and he was passionate, but he seemed to have an undue fondness for love bites—giving them, that is. Despite repeated and firm protestations in a loving voice, he persisted in biting too hard and too often. When he had an especially fierce tooth lock on Danny’s back, only a swift but decisive head butt made him stop.
Do
give love bites gently, sparingly and in selected situations.
Don’t
make him think that you’re orally fixated, or that you didn’t eat enough for dinner. And never, ever leave a hickey. That little trick grew really old after junior high school.

7

2

The Properly Appointed Bedroom

Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man
SETTING THE STAGE

Just like in the theater, any production will be even more spectacular when the right stage set and props are in place.

Assuming that you control your own space, it’s important to think about the things that will enhance and support your performance as you bask in the spotlight of center stage. One must not overlook the proper bedroom accessories, because being well prepared will make your performance seem absolutely effortless. Just think of this as setting the stage for a brilliant seduction, or having the right utensils and ingredients to prepare a great meal.

You might think that men don’t care about where they’re doing it as long as they’re doing it, but they do care when something becomes a pain, or stands in the way of their own good time. Everyone has heard those anecdotes of passion where bed frames collapse from high-impact gymnastics, or about the guy who kept whacking his head into the wall, or worse, when strewn sheets caught fire after landing on the bedside candle. One couple we know, with a particularly zesty sex life and a fancy antique bed, used to bounce around so much that the mattress would fall through the slats almost every night. The brilliant solution was to design special steel girders that attached to the bed frame, leaving both their sex life and the design of their family heirloom intact. These stories may seem hilarious at office coffee talk the morning after, but they certainly have a way of putting a damper on an award-winning performance. Remember, these tips are meant to help you shine as the star and not as the opening comedy act.

10