Secrets of a Jewish Mother: Real Advice, Real Family, Real Love (4 page)

1. Call after an affair to tell the hostess how great the party was, even if the party was just so-so. Participate in the dissection.

2. Call after surgery—always. Even when people say, “It’s no big deal,” it’s always a bigger deal than they anticipated. Your call counts.

3. Try very hard to go to the funeral of your friend’s loved one. If you can’t make the funeral, do your best to pay a
shiva
call (a condolence call), or send a thoughtful letter by actual snail mail.

4. Congratulate as well as commiserate. Share the
kvell.
Even if you are feeling the tiniest bit envious, do it anyway. If you are feeling more than the tiniest bit envious, then maybe you need to evaluate whether or not that friendship works for you and why you are jealous.

5. Call once in a while just to check in. E-mail counts a little bit, but it can’t substitute for an actual catch-up between friends. Besides, don’t you forget what is said in e-mails? We can’t remember a thing unless we’ve had an actual conversation, and even then ...

6. Send a gift or at least a card for the appropriate occasions—big birthdays, Bar/Bat Mitzvahs, weddings, graduations and engagements of your friends’ children. Thoughtfulness is greatly appreciated, and even small gestures can mean a lot. Our Aunt Cooky is queen of the greeting cards; she never misses an occasion. We love her for that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

My best friend Sandy’s husband had been diagnosed with an inoperable form of cancer. The initial prognosis of three to six months had been reduced to three to six weeks. Sandy lived in Arizona and at the time I was representing a client in a full-blown divorce trial in court in Connecticut. Trial dates are planned months in advance and they simply are not something you can cancel. I was sick at heart, and knew my friend needed me. So, I walked into the courtroom, explained the situation and asked the judge for a postponement of a few days so I could fly to see my friend. To my surprise, the judge granted it and wished me well. I got on the earliest flight I could, which was the following day. Sandy’s husband died while I was en route to Arizona. I never got a chance to say good-bye, but at least I was able to be there for a while with Sandy. Remember that old musical title,
Stop the World—I Want to Get Off?
Sometimes you need to stop your world when someone else’s world is falling apart. ■

I needed to pass the bookkeeping final to get my lousy two credits to graduate NYU. The problem was that I was flunking the course and didn’t understand a thing. My friends came to my rescue. Three of my male friends, who had grown up with me in Brooklyn, stayed up with me all night before the final to literally cram the material into my head. Were it not for their help, I would have failed. With their help, I managed to pass and graduate NYU on schedule. I always had more luck in friendship with men than with women. ■

1.
Who in your life needs you now?

2.
What can you do to help?

3.
What kind of a friend are you?

4.
How do you keep in touch with your friends?

5.
In what ways do you expect your friends to be there for you?

I always take stock around Yom Kippur and think about the people I need to apologize to. A few years ago, I invited my friend James on my boat for the July Fourth weekend. James came and had a great time. A few weeks later, I invited my friend Ethan on my boat for Labor Day. James called up and asked if he could come back for Labor Day too, so I impulsively said sure. I had introduced James and Ethan to each other and knew they had become friends, but I also vaguely remembered that they had had some kind of falling-out. When Ethan found out that James was coming for Labor Day, he told me very nicely that if James was going to be there, he didn’t want to come. How did I react? I called James and shared Ethan’s honest feelings, hoping James would back out since I had just said yes to him a few days before. I figured that since James had already spent one weekend on the boat that summer, it was fairer to give Ethan his turn. I did not expect James’s reaction. James was very offended that he had been “disinvited,” even though he had just invited himself only three days before. He told me he would never talk to me again. The whole episode upset me so much that when Yom Kippur came that fall, I called James to apologize. James told me he forgave me, and the conversation was polite. He even said, “Let’s move on.” But the truth is I don’t think he really meant it. Our friendship has never been the same. ■

I think this episode should be in Jill’s “No Good Deed Goes Unpunished” file. This is the thanks you get for inviting someone on your yacht for a summer weekend and for introducing him to a new friend. ■