Secrets of a Jewish Mother: Real Advice, Real Family, Real Love (3 page)

On the first day of college, in the fall of 1977, I spied a long-haired, beautiful, hippie-looking girl living right next door to me in one of the only all-girls dorms left on campus. Sandy was a missionary kid, an American who grew up in Mexico while her Baptist parents established churches wherever they settled. Missionary kid? Wasn’t that something out of a nineteenth-century novel or The African Queen? I was enthralled. Sandy was not only my first non-Jewish friend; she was actually exotically foreign, from a completely different culture than my own. Our philosophical meanderings often lasted until dawn. My new best friend had arrived.

Our friendship has lasted through everything that life has thrown at us, including overwhelming joy, real tragedy and the everyday life that comprises true friendship. Sandy has changed my perspective on political issues and given me insight into cultures vastly different than mine. Have we argued? Yes. Have we gotten on each other’s nerves? Once in a while. Is there anything in the world I wouldn’t do for Sandy? I can’t think of a single thing.

On the same day I met Sandy I also sat next to the man who would become my husband three years later. How is that for a lucky day? ■

Twenty years after my college years, I was back at NYU to pursue my master’s degree in business education. One night in the ladies’ room, a petite, beautiful lady stepped out of the stall. I introduced myself and later discovered that Karen Gillespie was the dean of retailing at NYU, a revered professor who had published more than forty books. We started to talk, and each week after class I would spend some time with her. I wasn’t taking her class, but we found time to get to know each other outside of the classroom.

Jill was working after school and at age sixteen already showed signs of business acumen. I made the shiddoch between Karen and Jill, and they clicked. Karen is the one who recommended Simmons College for Jill; had we never met, we never would have known about Simmons’s fabulous retailing internship program. There is no question in my mind that this education set Jill on a successful career path. Jill and I both have my friend Karen to thank for it, may she rest in peace. We all miss her.■

People think that Bethenny and I were very close friends because of our relationship as shown on the first two seasons of the show. However, I really had known Bethenny casually for only a couple of years before the show began. I met Bethenny through a mutual friend when she was on the Martha Stewart Apprentice show. She was pretty and smart. I liked her. As it happened, I had been approached and auditioned to become part of a reality TV show that was originally entitled Manhattan Moms but we all now know as The Real Housewives of New York City. The producers asked me to help cast the show with more people who were in my circle of acquaintances and who fit their profile. Bobby and I saw Bethenny at a Hamptons polo event during the summer, and Bobby said to me, “What about Bethenny?” Because of her Apprentice experience, it seemed Bethenny wanted to be famous and on TV. We approached her and she was immediately interested. Even though Bethenny was not a mom, she was a mom “wannabe,” in a committed relationship at the time and living in Manhattan. Bobby and I thought she would be a great addition to the cast.

Once Bethenny was cast on the show, we got close very quickly, becoming very involved in each other’s lives and calling each other many times every day. Our bond of course was the show itself, but I believed we had developed a real friendship. We helped each other and we were there for each other. As I write this I get very sad, because our friendship has recently hit some tough times. As of this writing, I’m not sure what will happen with our friendship. But no matter what, I will always love Bethenny.

 

Ah, the countess. I met Countess LuAnn de Lesseps at a party the summer before we filmed the first season of the show. We became casual friends. After I was cast as the first Housewife and the producers asked me to find more potential cast members, I found LuAnn’s pink business card in my closet and said, “Oh my God!” knew she would be perfect. LuAnn had been on Italian TV and was already a local TV personality. Obviously, she, too, wanted to be famous. LuAnn loves to sing, and I thought she would add class to the show. I have to say that I got lucky when the producers chose LuAnn, because I found a true friend. I can always count on her for good advice, even though I am stubborn and usually don’t take it. I also think she is an outstanding parent. We will be lifelong friends, and I am grateful she is in my life.

 

My relationship with Ramona is at times both awkward and surreal. I met Ramona through my social circle ten years ago. I tried to become her friend and was rejected. I even remember her having holiday parties and not being invited. I felt a little hurt but not surprised. When Ramona’s mother passed, I sent her a card. I called. I made the effort and tried to do the right thing. knew that Ramona had been kind to her husband Mario’s mother, and that showed me a side of Ramona that I liked and could admire. I always try to look for the good in people. Since she was friends with my good friends, there had to be good, right? But we have a very weird friendship. I don’t know why. I think we push each other’s buttons sometimes, and perhaps there is some underlying competition between us. It is probably unlikely that we would have become friends had we not been cast together on the Housewives. Yet we have to see each other often because of the show.

One thing we will always have is our shared experience on the Housewives. All the drama, the publicity, the red carpets. A hit show can be a once-in-a-lifetime experience, if you are lucky. In reflecting on my friendship with Ramona, I have read this chapter twenty times to help me decide whether Ramona is a real friend, and I still can’t figure us out. Maybe that’s the best answer I can give right now.

 

I met Alex and her husband, Simon, on the set of the show. I never knew them before. We are very, very different people with different values. I respect Alex as an intelligent woman who loves her family. I still don’t know what makes them tick. I have tried to include them in my life for the show, but in reality that is all it is. A show friendship.

 

I have to admit to myself that Kelly and I would never have met or become friends if not for the show. We simply traveled in different social circles. However, I can already see that Kelly is generous, thoughtful and an extremely good mother. I don’t know how our friendship will develop over time, whether we will become close friends or ultimately drift apart. We will just have to see.

 

As of this writing, the producers have added two new members to the cast whom I did not know beforehand. Obviously, it’s premature to discuss true friendship with either of them, but I am always open to the possibility of finding another front-row friend in my life. You never know where that person will come from. ■

1.
Among the people you know, how many friends are “front-row friends”? What makes them so?

2.
Are you a friend who is truly happy for your friends?

3.
Do you mistake business relationships for true friendships?

4.
Have you ever been disappointed in those whom you thought were your friends but turned out not to be? What could you do differently next time to avoid the same result?

1. Be there.

2. Apologize when wrong.

3. Forgive. Let it go.

4. Not cross the line. There are a few no-nos even a close friend can’t forgive.