Secrets of a Jewish Mother: Real Advice, Real Family, Real Love (27 page)

I come from a family that stays married. Both my grandparents and parents and close relatives all stayed married. Getting divorced was not an easy choice for me. My mother knew I was unhappy and that I needed to make a change. This was very hard for her to watch and for me to do. I was crying all the time during this period. I wanted to give it one more chance and went to therapy. I took Steven to a session I will never forget. In that room, Steven said I was the same person, but that he had changed. At my next session alone, the therapist told me I could leave and move on now without guilt. My advice is this: Try everything, including therapy, to stay in your marriage. For a second, I even thought about having another child to “save my marriage,” but I knew that wouldn’t solve our problems and would only create more stress for everyone. But if your marriage must end, make sure you both agree to put your chi!dren first. ■

We’ve given you these secrets of a Jewish mother so that your married life can be a happy one. But the bottom line is you can control only what you do; you can’t control what anyone else does. So if you are unhappy, go into marriage counseling. We look at counseling as giving your relationship a touch-up, like redoing your house. Everyone could use it now and then, even couples who think their marriage is just fine. If your husband loves you, he will go with you into counseling because he will be scared to lose you. Good counseling helps you fall in love again and rediscover why you got married in the first place. Even if you go alone, counseling is a place for you to sort out your own feelings and gives you space in which to grow.

Here’s the real message we are trying to share with you—marriage is work, but if it isn’t working in ways you can tolerate, then leave. You’ll know when you get to that point. But we really hope you never do.

I have so many friends whose marriages broke up over the years, and the one thing they have in common is that these were always the couples I swore were so happy! You can never tell what is really happening in anyone’s marriage.

Why have Bill and I stayed together all these years? I think it’s because both of us never gave up on the marriage at the exact same moment. God knows, there have been times when each of us has wanted to walk out; I think that’s normal. Life is stressful, and parenting throws curves at you that you didn’t expect when it was just the two of you. I’m sure living with me isn’t wonderful all of the time; I get busy and distracted easily. Bill had a severe obesity problem for many years. I was in despair that I had lost the man I married. But God was good to us; Bill turned fifty and turned his life around. At this stage when we are just starting to see what an empty nest might look like, I have my Bill back again. As Aunt Nessie says, what is a Jew without hope? We live on it. ■

1.
Are you seriously thinking of leaving your marriage?

2.
If so, have you received marriage counseling?

3.
Have you made the list of pros and cons?

4.
Is this problem something that you can never see yourself forgiving?

5.
Have you stowed away any cash? Remember, you’ll need
money.

At my best friend Sandy’s bridal shower in Guadalajara, Mexico, Sandy’s mother had us play a game where we threw little bits of paper into a hat. Each contained a bit of advice we wrote to the married couple, and all were read aloud. I thought Sandy’s mother, who was married to a minister and had been a missionary for decades, would offer some platitude like “Love each other always” or “Never skip church.” Instead, she wrote “Communicate.” So simple, so elegant, such incredibly good advice. No wonder her marriage lasted sixty years. ■

I believe a man is hard when he is soft and soft when he is hard. If I have to translate, what I’m saying is that it’s easier to get what you want from your man when you have put him in a really good mood, so don’t be afraid to get out those candles, dim the lights and put on a sexy negligee. “Men are really very simple creatures,” as Grandma Syl used to say. ■

Bill travels frequently—either I could sit home and pine and whine, or I could start a book club, run for local elective office and keep my law practice alive. Each of those activities gave me a reason to be out in the world, satisfied my need for intellectual stimulation and kept our conversations interesting. When Jon went to college, I pursued my dream of creating my own radio show. I figured that gave me the ultimate excuse to speak to fascinating people. Bill has been incredibly supportive. It has been the beginning of a new chapter in our marriage as well as my career. ■

1.
On a scale of 1 to 10, how good is your marriage right now?

2.
Are you an interesting person? Is he?

3.
What makes your marriage work?

4.
What doesn’t work for you?

5.
Have you been to marriage counseling before? Did it help?