Secrets of a Jewish Mother: Real Advice, Real Family, Real Love (8 page)

 

 

 

 

O
ur kids are growing into a generation of young adults that forgot how to date. What happened? Dating as a courtship ritual seems to have disappeared. Where did it go? More important, what replaced it? Random, anonymous conversations on social networking sites? Hook-ups? Or is that yesterday’s word? We can’t keep up. Even the word “partying” has morphed into a pejorative term, implying drug use rather than enjoying yourself at a party without drugs. Many of our young people are lonely. They don’t have “socials” the way we used to or safe places to meet other young adults. For some reason their own friends don’t “set them up” the way we did. If they are not in college and cannot afford an apartment of their own, their social world is tiny. So many kids today are content to sit home at their computers, watching life from a screen in their comfortable bedroom, rather than getting out there and participating in life. Joanna tells her mother, Lisa, all the time: The computer is both a blessing and a curse.

Despite the lack of what we used to call “dating,” meeting people and seeking a life partner is still an important part of life. The rules may change daily, but that just makes socializing more confusing, not less essential. Twenty- and thirty-somethings are still out there looking for their perfect mate. We have also noticed that the issues of dating resurface frequently in middle age, because so many people are either divorced or widowed. There may be a lot more baggage at that stage, and many more complexities, but whether we are twenty-four or fifty-four, we still have the same feelings of anxiety and rejection: Is he or she out there? Why didn’t this one work? Why didn’t he like me? The key is to maintain hope: I’ll check in tonight on JDate; maybe Mr. Right is waiting on my desktop.

In this chapter we explain how we found our Mr. Rights. More important, we tell you how to identify the definitely Mr. Wrongs.

If you are serious about getting serious, then you have come to the right place. For casual dating, move to another book—the Jewish mother is not interested. Dating is serious business to the Jewish mother; she knows that few things in life are more important than finding the right mate. Did you know that all Jewish mothers are born matchmakers? It is true. Lisa and Jill pride themselves on their matchmaking abilities. Plus it’s a huge
mitzvah,
and we need as many of those as we can get.

How do you find the right person for you? We think the best way to meet someone is through a match, the traditional
shiddoch.
Our parents, Sol and Gloria, met that way. Jill met her first husband, Steven, that way too. If you are single, get the word out. Tell your friends you are looking. You can’t expect them to read your mind; everybody has his own life to worry about. If you do not know anyone who is willing to set you up, there are professional matchmaking services in every region and on every desktop. Do not expect your white knight to magically appear one day when you are waiting in line for coffee, on the elevator or at the airport terminal. If you want to find love, you have to think of it as a second job (provided you have a first job). That means you have to be open to a shiddoch. Have a little trust—and carry pepper spray, just in case.

Of course, you can’t create chemistry. It’s either there, or it’s not. The matchmaking Jewish mother puts the pieces in place as best she can and then leaves the rest up to God and Cupid.

By the way, the savvy Jewish mother does not believe that there is only one perfect match for someone. She is way too practical for that. What happens if, God forbid, bite your tongue three times, something happens to that person? Does that mean you should be alone the rest of your life? Absolutely not. What about divorce? Maybe he was perfect for you for a while, but you weren’t so perfect for him. What are you supposed to do—just sit there and feel sorry for yourself? Jewish mothers are not only resilient, they are flexible. Many shoes can fit the same feet. Now, will you please call the number we gave you? We hear he is a nice boy from a very good family.

After you have figured out how you are going to meet someone eligible, with good potential, then the selection begins. Contrary to the popular assumption that a good man is harder to find than a good woman, we believe that a good woman is just as rare, if not rarer. So, ladies, value yourselves. Do not settle for less than you deserve! How do you know which traits in a man are the most important? Pay attention to our mother, Gloria.