Secrets of a Jewish Mother: Real Advice, Real Family, Real Love (30 page)

We have endless experience with grudges. The stories never end. We’ve got the cousins who stopped talking for ten years because she came late to a family wedding and accidentally got left out of some wedding pictures. How about the one we’ve all heard where she wasn’t picked to be the bridesmaid so she dropped the friendship altogether? There’s a really, good kind friend. She has turned what should be a time of joy for someone else into a portrait of “What about me? I’m left out, my feelings are hurt.” There are lessons from these lessons. So here are a few basic rules to consider before holding the grudge that will sever a relationship for life. Learn from our mistakes; we’ve made plenty.

1. How important is that person to you altogether? If she is someone you see only at weddings and funerals, then don’t expect too much in the way of gifts or thoughtful gestures. Do not make more of the relationship than is there. If you accidentally insult her or she insults you, who cares?

2. If the person is very important to you, never let a gift come between you. Period. If he or she came to your event, that is all that matters. Showing up is always much more important than a gift (though of course both are appreciated!).

3. Do not confuse the amount of money someone gives you with his respect for you. People do this all the time with gifts at weddings or Bat Mitvahs, but it is wrong. Not everybody can afford the “going rate.”

4. Decide what was really insulted—your vanity? Your pride? Think about this and how much it will take out of you to stay angry.

5. Try to see things from her point of view; it’s possible that both your hormones are working overtime. Stress can do that.

6. Have you told the person that you are holding a grudge against her? At least give her the chance to feel guilty about what she did wrong. Remember that most of the time, people are preoccupied with their own problems, not yours.

There is nothing more important to the Jewish mother than making sure her kids understand that one day she will be gone and they will only have each other. Yes, her children may (in fact, should) move on to get married and have children of their own, but to the Jewish mother, her offspring are accompanied on this life’s journey by their siblings, not their spouses and children. In other words, the Jewish mother makes sure there is always someone looking out for her chicks. After all, You Only Have Each Other. By the way, even if you hate each other, You Only Have Each Other. So, please, stop hating each other.

We know siblings who are not close at all. Some live far apart; others have very different personalities. There are thousands of reasons why sisters and brothers choose not to be friends as adults. But we believe that though sibling relationships may be difficult and complicated, they are worth nurturing. We have two reasons for this: First, who else will really understand your complaints about your parents? Second, as you age, who else will remember your childhood? That shared history alone makes your siblings worth cherishing. We know plenty of exceptions to this rule, plenty of people who have very good reasons why they stopped talking to their brothers and sisters. But this doesn’t make the Jewish mother very happy.

This isn’t a hard rule; it should be fairly obvious. Either you invite all the kids, or no kids. Of course, there are exceptions. With your children’s friendships, sometimes only one child is friendly with someone, and parents should not always have to entertain their children’s friend’s siblings. We get that. But for family affairs, it’s all or nothing. Someone in Sol’s family didn’t pay attention to this rule. Watch what happened.

How many stories have you heard about a nasty, insensitive, stingy, interfering mother-in-law? Too many. Talk about a minefield of miscommunications—the possibilities are endless, especially when two people of different cultures marry. “A daughter is a daughter for the rest of your life; a son is a son until he takes a wife.” Why? Because you can say anything to your daughter, and you’ll still see the grandchildren. Say one wrong thing to your daughter-in-law and you risk being disinvited to your son’s home forever.

We have a word in Yiddish that does not exist in English, which describes the relationship between the bride’s parents and the groom’s parents. They are called one’s
machatunim.
They are related, but only through the marriage of their children to each other. When you think about it,
machatunim
share a huge bond, but our society does not set expectations for that relationship. People must navigate that one on their own.

Mommy only had daughters, and her mother only had daughters, and her mother-in-law only had Daddy and one daughter, and Aunt Nessie only had two daughters ... you see where we are going here? So, of course, we don’t have too many problems with being the mother-in-law of daughters-in-law because we don’t have any. Only Aunt Cooky has a son, and she has gone out of her way to invite her
machatunim
to every single holiday in her home, and to cultivate a close relationship with her daughter-in-law. But she always has to remember that she is not the mother; she is only the mother-in-law, and that makes a big difference.